Vault: Is This The WORST Audition Tape Ever?

Summary

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The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Is This The WORST Audition Tape Ever?

Date: March 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into a hilariously cringeworthy audition tape allegedly submitted by a hopeful church singer vying to perform "Oh Holy Night" at his congregation's next Christmas service. The show’s cast listen together—and challenge their listeners to stick it out for the full three minutes, warning that the clip’s comedic value only increases with time. The team’s commentary and the unforgettable performance create a laugh-out-loud listening experience centered on a blend of holiday spirit and unfiltered talent… for better or worse.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Setting Up Listener Commitment

• [00:45] The host opens with a challenge: listeners must commit to hearing the audition tape in full, noting, “If you bail after about a minute, you’re not going to get the true feel of this entire song.”
• Emphasis is placed on the necessity of context and endurance; this isn’t just a bad audition, it’s one that becomes legendary only with the full experience.

The Backstory and Anticipation

• The audition tape’s performer is dramatized as a confident churchgoer inspired by witnessing his congregation's choir:
  • Host: “He’s like, I am the real star of this congregation … if they could just hear me.” [01:23]
  • Guest 1: “He feels the call. This is the Lord calling upon him.” [01:38]
• The tape is submitted for consideration as a lead Christmas soloist: “He sends in an audition tape to the church to say, ‘Hey, y’all, listen to this.’ … It’s bad, y’all. It’s really bad. But it’s three minutes. Make a commitment, okay?” [01:43]

The Audition Tape: Play-by-Play and Cast Reactions

The Opening

• [02:16] (First notes): Host interjects immediately, “Okay. It doesn’t get any better than that. That’s the best…” prompting immediate laughter from the crew.
• Guest 1: “Amen.” [02:33]
• Host: “Both hands up in the air. You’re feeling it, man.” [02:35]

Bizarre Vocal Choices and the Team’s Imagination

• Guest 2 on the performance’s musicality: “I like the way he’s not using a lot of notes.” [03:26]
• Host: “He’s making it his own.” [03:35]
• Imagery runs wild, with playful speculation:
  • Guest 1: “I imagine that he has a ponytail down.” [02:56]
  • Host: “Preparing for takeoff.” [03:04]

The Notorious High Note

• [04:45]: The cast cringes as the singing reaches its—apparently unintended—climax:
  • Guest 2: “He spilled something hot on his testicles.” [04:47]
  • Guest 3: “I think so.” [04:52]

Can’t Look Away

• Despite the pain, the hosts insist the tape must be experienced in full:
  • Host: “You gotta listen to this all the way through.” [05:13]
• Guest 1: “I think after that, he went, yes.” [05:38]
• Guest 3: “Nailed it.” [05:40]

Debriefing: Was it Serious?

• The question of the singer’s sincerity versus a possible prank is debated:
  • Guest 2: “If he was sending that into someone, you know that wasn’t the only one he did.” [05:43]
  • Guest 1: “Has to be a joke. Towards the end of it, though, it’s a little bit…” [05:53]
  • Host: “Like the American Idol auditions where you think you’re kicking ass… but you can’t. What you’re hearing in your head and your ears is totally different.” [05:56-06:00]

Hilariously Creative Listener Ideas

• Guest 2: “I’m gonna make that my ring back on my phone. That way nobody will talk, leave me messages.” [06:10]
  • Guest 1: “No one will ever call you.” [06:14]
• Suggestions for playing it during Christmas gatherings for laughs.

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Listener Call-Ins & Final Audience Reactions

• Amber calls in: “That was absolutely painful.” [06:17]
  • Host: “Really?”
  • Amber: “It hurt to listen to.” [06:22]
• Amanda: “Yeah, I had to turn that up to hear how bad it was, and then I had to turn it back down.” [06:29]

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Host: “Both hands up in the air. You’re feeling it, man.” [02:35]
• Guest 2: “I like the way he’s not using a lot of notes.” [03:26]
• Guest 2: “He spilled something hot on his testicles.” [04:47]
• Host: “Like the American idol auditions where you think you’re kicking ass… but you can’t. What you’re hearing in your head and your ears is totally different.” [05:56-06:00]
• Amber (caller): “That was absolutely painful.” [06:17]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:45 – The three-minute commitment challenge
• 01:06 – 01:43 – Backstory of the “star” churchgoer and context for the tape
• 02:16 – Audition tape begins
• 04:45 – The “legendary” high note moment
• 06:17 – Listener (Amber) calls in to share her reaction

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Tone and Takeaway

The episode is pure Bert Show: off-the-cuff, irreverent, and openly mocking but with a warm, communal humor. Both cast and listeners are united in the agony and hilarity of surviving the world’s worst audition tape. Ultimately, it's a celebration of commitment, perseverance, and the joy of shared experience—even, and especially, when it's “absolutely painful.”

Transcript

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[Radio Host]

The Birch Show. And I want you to make a commitment to the Burt show right now for the next three and a half minutes that you won't tune out. Because this entire song here, the song, it's only going to be funny and. And effective if you listen all the way through. Like, if you bail after about a minute, you're not going to get the true feel of this entire song.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

Okay?

[Radio Host]

So I'm asking you to commit to the Bird show. As I understand it, this is a guy that's. I'm not sure where he submitted this audition tape, but he was sitting in the congregation and he's watching everybody else do their thing around Christmas time. He's watching the choir, and he's like, man, I could do better than that.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

He's like, I am the real star of this congregation.

[Radio Host]

If they could just hear me. He's probably one of these guys in church, raises hands and everything. He's got this sway going back and forth, and he hears. Yeah, got both hands in the air and stuff. He's like, you know what? They need me.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

He feels the call. This is the Lord calling upon him.

[Radio Host]

So he sends in an audition tape to the church to say, hey, y', all, listen to this. And I think it's going to be on set. Who's going to be singing oh, Holy Night next year. So he sends in this audition tape. It's bad, y'. All. It's really bad. But it's three minutes. Make a commitment, okay?

[Radio Show Guest 2]

Oh, he's got the Casio.

[Radio Host]

You like the beginning of the American Idols. You know, where it's the bad performers. You'll love this. If not commit.

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

Holy night stars are brightly shining.

[Radio Host]

Okay. It doesn't get any better than that. That's the best

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

of our dear savior.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

Amen.

[Radio Host]

Both hands up in the air. You're feeling it, man.

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

Now lay the world in sin and error high till he appear. And it's so bad, it's worth.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

I imagine that he has a ponytail down.

[Radio Host]

Preparing for takeoff.

[Weight Watchers Narrator]

Sounds like karaoke.

[Radio Host]

Too bad. Yeah, that's why I said you gotta commit. Here we go. Oh.

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

On your knees.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

I like the way he's not using a lot of notes.

[Radio Host]

He's making it his own.

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[Radio Host]

It gets better.

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

When Christ was born.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

How did this possibly stick to the tape?

[Radio Host]

Oh, my God.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

Dear, I. I've got tears.

[Weight Watchers Narrator]

I moved.

[Radio Host]

Commit, people. There's a minute.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

Oh, no.

[Radio Host]

Here it is.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

Oh, no.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

He spilled something hot on his testicles.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

I think so.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

Oh, come on.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

He's got to be joking.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

I want to go caroling with him.

[Radio Host]

You got to listen to this all the way through.

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

You know it was divine.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

I think after that, he went, yes.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

Nailed it.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

You know what?

[Radio Show Guest 3]

Send it in.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

If he was sending that into someone, you know that. That wasn't the only one he did.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

Is that serious?

[Radio Host]

As far as I know, he did

[Radio Show Guest 2]

several of those and picked that one as the best.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

Has to be a joke. Towards the end of it, though, it's a little bit.

[Radio Host]

I think, like the American idol auditions where you think you're kicking ass.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

Yeah.

[Radio Host]

But you can't. What you're hearing in your head and your ears is totally different.

[Weight Watchers Narrator]

I want that song to put on in my. In my place. So when Come over to my house. That's what they're listening to for Christmas.

[Radio Show Guest 2]

I'm gonna make that my ring back on my phone. That way nobody will talk, leave me messages.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

No one will ever call you.

[Radio Host]

Hey, Amber. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

That was absolutely painful.

[Radio Host]

Really?

[Radio Show Guest 3]

It hurt to listen to.

[Radio Show Guest 1]

It did hurt. Oh, God.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

It was bad.

[Radio Host]

I told you I was gonna test your commitment to the show. Good morning, Amanda. You're on Q100.

[Radio Show Guest 3]

Yeah, I had to turn that up to hear how bad it was, and then I had to turn it back down.

[Singer (Audition Tape)]

The Birch show.

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