Vault: Is Your Car Safe at the Valet?

Summary

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The Bert Show Episode Summary

Episode: Vault: Is Your Car Safe at the Valet?
Date: October 27, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (by Pionaire Podcasting)

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into a playful yet concerning experiment: Is your car really safe when you hand over the keys to a valet? Using their trademark humor, Bert, Tommy, Jeff, and co-hosts recount personal experiences and perform an undercover test to see how easy it is for someone to retrieve a car from valet without proper proof. The segment is an eye-opener about the lax security at some valet services, all explored in real-time on the air.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Real-Life Valet Mishap Sparks Curiosity

• Bert narrates how a recent encounter at a local restaurant valet revealed surprising nonchalance in handing over cars.
  • “You want to believe that your car is completely safe once you drop it off with the valet, right? Tommy proved to us one morning that that's not the case.” (Host, 01:44)
• He describes going to recover his car without the claim ticket and being handed the keys with minimal verification.

2. The On-Air Valet Experiment

• To test if this was an isolated incident or common practice, the crew sends Tommy out to replicate the scenario at two different hotels.
• First attempt: Tommy is denied because he lacks a ticket and credibility as a guest.
• Second attempt: They give detailed play-by-play as Tommy tries to retrieve a black Toyota Corolla by vaguely claiming he lost the ticket and isn't a hotel guest.

3. How Easy Is It to Get a Car from Valet?

• Tommy keeps the hosts updated step by step:
  • He talks to the valet desk, repeating, “I lost my ticket. I'm not a guest. It's a Toyota Corolla.” (Tommy, 03:29)
  • Despite not knowing a room number or having the ticket, staff begin looking up the car's info and eventually provide assistance.
• Tension, laughter, and disbelief mount as Tommy actually gets access to the car.
  • Jeff jokes, “Take the car and go!” (Jeff, 05:20)

4. Ethical & Legal Concerns

• As Tommy prepares to drive the car, a debate erupts:
  • Some hosts push him to drive off, others worry about legal implications.
  • Call-in advice: Tiffany warns, “If he drives it off the premises, he can be charged with grand theft auto.” (Tiffany, 09:12)
• The hosts clarify for listeners: Don’t try this at home!

5. Reflection and Takeaway for Listeners

• The experiment reveals some valets may hand over cars too easily with a convincing demeanor and basic car details.
• The hosts underscore the real risks and suggest listeners be vigilant about their belongings.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:44] Host: “You want to believe that your car is completely safe once you drop it off with the valet, right? Tommy proved to us one morning that that's not the case.”
• [02:56] Host: “Or the Range Rover, and he maybe would have given me those cars. Maybe just because it was a beat-up Wrangler, he said, go ahead and take it.”
• [05:20] Co-host/Jeff: “Take the car and go.”
• [06:13] Host: “I don't even think you should take it out of the parking lot. I think you should just go right up because we proved the point.”
• [09:12] Tiffany (caller): “If he drives it off the premises, he can be charged with grand theft auto.”
• [08:45] Host: “That is great. I don't believe it.”
• [08:48] Tommy: “All right, dude, I think I just found me a new job.”
• [03:46] Jeff: “He's going to get it. I feel like he's going to get it.”
• [05:14] Jeff: “You get in the car.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:44] — Introduction to the valet safety experiment
• [02:41] — Recent firsthand valet experience (story setup)
• [03:20] — Tommy begins the undercover valet test
• [05:00 – 06:00] — Tension rises as Tommy convinces the valet; hosts react in real time
• [06:13] — Hosts debate legality and morality of taking the car
• [08:31] — Tommy successfully retrieves and “steals” the car
• [09:12] — Caller Tiffany outlines the legal risk: “If he drives it off the premises, he can be charged with grand theft auto.”
• [08:48] — Show’s comedic reflection: “I just found me a new job.”

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Tone and Style

• Humor, playful banter, and disbelief dominate the show.
• The hosts present the real risks through a comedic lens, but effectively highlight a genuine concern.

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Listener Takeaways

• Many valets may not rigorously check tickets or guest info, especially if you sound believable and know basic facts about a car.
• Moral of the story: Always keep your valet ticket and remain vigilant—don’t assume your vehicle is 100% secure.
• The Bert Show provides laughs but also offers a real warning about common service practices.

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Transcript

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[Host (Birch Show)]

Purchased the Birch show you want to believe that your car is completely safe once you drop it off with the valet, right? Tommy proved to us one morning that that's not the case. First we need to check in with T hey dude. Yo. Hey, what's up man?

[Tommy]

Hey man, what's up?

[Host (Birch Show)]

Let me reset this on over the weekend, Jeff and I met in the Virginia Highlands. He was with Jessica and they drove down in their car and Stacy and I went down in ours and we met at a restaurant. They had their car valeted. Stacy and I, we had our car valeted and the the plan Was for Stacy and Jessica after lunch to go shopping over to lenox mall. They were gonna drive over there, and Jeff and I were gonna go back up into midtown. So Stacy and Jessica take off and take the car. And then when Jeff and I go out to my car, Stacy still had my valet ticket. So I go up to dude, and I'm like. I told him what the story was, and he just points at a. He's all, which one's your car? And I pointed to my wrangler, and he said, okay, see ya. Bye.

[Jeff]

Bye.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Here's your car. Gave him the three bucks, and we took off. So we wanted to test the theory this weekend if that was just a fluke or if that's how valets really handle it. Is it really safe to have your car at a valet?

[Co-host/Commentator]

Because technically, you could have taken. You could have pointed out the Porsche.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Or the range Rover, and he maybe would have given me those cars. Maybe just because it was a beat up wrangler. He said, go ahead and take it.

[Jeff]

Yeah, just get it out of our.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Yeah, get it out of our line. You're making the other cars look like crap. So we sent Tommy to a hotel this morning to try the same thing, and he got denied the first time. So we wanted to make sure that that wasn't a fleet As a public service. We sent him to another hotel, and he's there right now. Hey, dude.

[Tommy]

Yeah, man. What's up?

[Host (Birch Show)]

So you've scoped out the parking lot, and you have your eyes on one car that you can give the valet description to?

[Tommy]

Yeah.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Okay, go for it.

[Tommy]

I just know what kind it is.

[Host (Birch Show)]

All right.

[Tommy]

All right.

[Jeff]

And don't forget, you're not a guest at the hotel.

[Tommy]

Yeah. Hey, I've lost my ticket. It's a Toyota corolla. Okay. I'm not. I'm not a guest. I just met somebody here, and I think they back got it. Talking lady at the desk. Okay. Yeah, they're doing the exact same thing as last time. They're sending me to, like, a security desk.

[Jeff]

I got. I got a feeling you'll get this one.

[Tommy]

Really?

[Host (Birch Show)]

Yep.

[Tommy]

No, I don't think so. Hold on a second. I got to go back in the hotel room.

[Host (Birch Show)]

It's pretty nice, right? This is pretty nice hotel.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Tommy, show him some legs.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Yeah, do the.

[Tommy]

I lost my ticket. I'm not a guest here. I was meeting somebody. It's a Toyota corolla. Yeah, I think I was meeting somebody here, and I think they've actually got it. I wrote a phone number on It. I think I gave it to my buddy that I was meeting in the lobby. Yes, Toyota Corolla. No, I'm not a guest. I don't have a room number at all. And I'm not real sure what his room number was either. He's already left. She's. Yeah, she's looking in a, In a book. All right, Looking.

[Host (Birch Show)]

She's a protocol. She's looking up Toyota. I'm sure. Nowhere on that protocol does it say, okay, just give him the car.

[Jeff]

He's going to get it. I feel like he's going to get it.

[Tommy]

No way. Feel like, yeah, I should be there within the hour. Hopefully.

[Host (Birch Show)]

No way there.

[Tommy]

She's. She's on the phone right now calling somebody.

[Jeff]

Nine, one, one.

[Tommy]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jeff]

911.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Yeah, I wonder if we try that. We should try this the next time. Not at a hotel.

[Jeff]

Well, who has valet at a restaurant?

[Host (Birch Show)]

Well, that's what I said. I think that he had better luck getting a car restaurant.

[Tommy]

Thank you very much.

[Host (Birch Show)]

At 9 o'. Clock.

[Tommy]

So I just meet him out here.

[Jeff]

Wait, did you get the car?

[Tommy]

Yeah, he's actually coming right here. I know the guy is. Hey, I lost my ticket. It's a Toyota, brother. Yeah, black Toyota Corolla. Yeah, here we go.

[Jeff]

You get in the car.

[Host (Birch Show)]

He's giving it.

[Tommy]

I think so. I think so.

[Host (Birch Show)]

No, no, no, don't.

[Jeff]

Yeah, no, take the car.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Take the car and go.

[Tommy]

Yeah, I am.

[Jeff]

I don't know. Just have him drive it around.

[Host (Birch Show)]

It's stealing.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Let's drive it around the block and get it.

[Tommy]

No, what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna drive around. I'm gonna pull it back and drop it off. Okay, I guess, I guess I like. I'm valeting it again.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Got something.

[Jeff]

Just re valet it and then the other guy will come out with the ticket. He won't be able to find his car. Oh, that's comedy.

[Tommy]

Yeah, yeah. What he's doing, he's getting the keys right now and he is walking.

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[Tommy]

He's walking out the door to go get the car and I am going to follow him out here and I cannot believe.

[Jeff]

I want you to get in the car and beep the horn a couple times.

[Tommy]

Okay. He. He's running to the car right now.

[Hers Weight Loss Advertiser]

No way.

[Host (Birch Show)]

No way. Oh, I don't believe.

[Tommy]

This is the. I've never committed this crime.

[Jeff]

Like I said, I think this is joyriding.

[Co-host/Commentator]

This is joyriding.

[Host (Birch Show)]

I don't even think you should take it out of the parking lot. I think you should Just go right up because we proved the point. You don't need to take it anywhere or just start it and then go. Oh, you know what?

[Co-host/Commentator]

Beep the horn a couple times.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Beep the horn a couple of times and then go back.

[Jeff]

No, no, no, just try it. Just drive it around somewhere.

[Host (Birch Show)]

That's illegal.

[Tommy]

Why not bring it back to the station and take a picture?

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Oh, God.

[Co-host/Commentator]

And then drive it back.

[Verizon Advertiser]

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[Host (Birch Show)]

That is illegal. That is illegal grand theft. You can do that if you want, but I'm not backing you when the cops come and get you.

[Tommy]

Oh, yes, you are. This wasn't my idea.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Is he take. Is he bringing the car?

[Tommy]

He hadn't drove up yet. I think he's got to go a good ways to get it.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Oh, my God, that's so cool.

[Tommy]

Yeah, he went to get it. Yeah. How much do I have to pay? Yeah, it wasn't probably about 30 minutes ago. Yeah.

[Jeff]

He's not gonna have any money.

[Co-host/Commentator]

No, he won't.

[Tiffany]

Okay.

[Tommy]

Just on there. Okay, thank you. I don't really know what he just gave me, but he gave me a parking pass. He got me to talk to somebody else. I'm not gonna go in there and talk to him.

[Jeff]

No, just get.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Just get the car and get the car. Get the cash. Unreal.

[Jeff]

Here's what I want him to do.

[Tommy]

Tell me to pay $8. Okay, I'll pay $8, sure. No problem.

[Host (Birch Show)]

$8 for a brand new what? Toyota. Toyota Corolla? He paid two bucks too much.

[Jeff]

Hey, I'm just kidding.

[Host (Birch Show)]

I'm kidding. I don't know anything about a Corolla.

[Tommy]

Hey, do what now? Hey, you there?

[Host (Birch Show)]

Yeah, I'm here. Yeah.

[Tiffany]

Okay.

[Tommy]

Yeah, I got. I'm going to pay this lady some money, okay?

[Host (Birch Show)]

You got $8 on you?

[Tommy]

Yeah, I got it.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Jeff will pick that up once you get back.

[Jeff]

That's a miracle. I'll only pick him up if you let him do what my suggestion is about to be.

[Host (Birch Show)]

You want to what?

[Jeff]

I want him to drive the car away from the hotel, turn the radio all the way up, turn the wipers on, turn the hazards on the turn signal, adjust the seat, fix the mirrors, screw them up, pop the trunk, then bring the car back, shut it off and go. I have to run back in.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Okay, that's fine, that's fine.

[Tommy]

Hold on. Yeah, hold on one second. I should be there within the hour. He just pulls it up. So thank you very much. I really appreciate that.

[Jeff]

Did you hear this crash? He keeps getting a receipt.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Getting a receipt.

[Tommy]

All right, here.

[Host (Birch Show)]

I Go.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Oh, yeah.

[Tommy]

Honk the horn.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Honk the horn.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Honk the horn. So I. So you prove it.

[Tommy]

Thank you very much, buddy. I really appreciate that.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Honk the horn.

[Tommy]

Hold on. I'm not getting in right now. Okay. All right. He got it.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Oh, my God. I cannot believe this.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Okay, go, go.

[Tommy]

All right, I just put it in drive. I am. Just stole the car.

[Host (Birch Show)]

That is great. I don't believe it.

[Tommy]

All right, dude, I think I. I just found me a new job.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Now bring it right back. No, do all the stuff you're gonna do to the car, then bring it right back. I don't want you driving that thing.

[Tommy]

Let me beat the horn here.

[Jeff]

I don't believe.

[Host (Birch Show)]

I don't believe.

[Jeff]

Just have him drive it around the block. Put. How many miles do you think you can put on it in an hour before you.

[Co-host/Commentator]

No, no, no.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, come on in. Who's this?

[Tiffany]

Hey, it's Tiffany.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, Tiffany.

[Tiffany]

If he drives it off the premises, he can be charged with grand theft auto.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Yeah, I don't think he should do that. All right, thank you for. Are you a cop?

[Tiffany]

And my brother is a police officer, and I'm telling you. Yeah, we'll charge him if he pulls it off the premises because it is not his.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Okay, thank you.

[Tiffany]

All right.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Hey, T. Don't do that, man.

[Jeff]

T. He hung up.

[Host (Birch Show)]

Oh, no. The Birch Show.

[Tommy]

Dude, did you order the new iPhone 17 Pro?

[Jeff]

Got it from Verizon, the best 5G network in America.

[Tommy]

I never looked so good.

[Host (Birch Show)]

You look the same.

[Tommy]

But with this camera, everything looks better. Especially me.

[Host (Birch Show)]

You haven't changed your hair in 15 years.

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