Vault: Jeff Drops Melissa's Dog Off

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Jeff Drops Melissa's Dog Off"

Release Date: October 27, 2025
Host: Bert and the Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into a chaotic—and hilarious—story about Jeff dropping off Melissa's dog, Toby. What starts as a seemingly simple good deed turns into a madcap adventure involving frantic pet-chasing, friendly ribbing about Melissa’s well-documented health issues, and a showcase of Melissa's surprising speed and agility. As always, the Bert Show cast brings authenticity, warmth, and plenty of humor to their storytelling, inviting listeners right into their world.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Setup: Dropping Off Toby

• Jeff volunteered to dog-sit for Melissa while new carpeting was installed at her home, to spare Toby the disruption ([02:54]).
• After the concerts, Jeff, Jessica, and Rachel bring Toby back to Melissa's apartment ([03:25]).
• Melissa welcomes the crew in, showing off her freshly carpeted apartment and introducing her cat, Akima ([03:34]).

2. Good Intentions…Lead to Chaos

• As the group prepares to leave, Rachel opens the door; Toby dashes halfway down the stairs, causing a sudden panic ([04:10]).
• The group recalls Melissa’s oft-repeated warning: “You cannot let Toby off the leash outside. He’s gone.” ([04:08]).

3. The Great Escape

• Initially, Toby responds obediently and comes back—giving everyone a false sense of security ([04:24]).
• As Melissa turns to lock her door, Toby seizes the chance and bolts for the exit, aiming (as Melissa claims) directly for the nearest busy intersection ([04:42]).
• Jeff describes the almost cinematic scope of Toby’s escape, humorously attributing doggy motivation to the search for “a urine-soaked leaf somewhere in the front of that apartment complex” ([04:48]).

4. Melissa’s Moment of Glory

• Faced with a loose dog, and no time for her usual “I have kidney issues” explanations, Melissa leaps into action.
• The cast riffs off action movie clichés to describe Melissa’s feat:
  • “She did a backflip off the patio, spun twice in the air, landed…in three quick strides made it the hundred yards to her car…like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…slides across the hood a la Bo and Luke Duke…” ([05:48]-[06:23]).
• The rest of the crew is left stunned, trying to figure out the etiquette for chasing a runaway dog—and marveling at Melissa’s superhuman effort ([06:24]).

5. The Happy Ending (and More Ribbing)

• Within 90 seconds, Melissa reappears at the apartment, having recaptured Toby and restored order ([07:06]).
• The cast cannot resist more humor—comparing Melissa’s car to the General Lee in "Dukes of Hazzard," joking about “kicking a box marked TNT into the river,” and Melissa’s tire-spinning exit ([07:12]).
• The moment is capped with admiration for Melissa's sudden transformation and the whole group’s laughter.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Melissa’s health excuses:
  “She, you know, she marches around, says, ‘Oh, my kidneys hurt. Oh, my kidneys hurt.’”
  – Host ([02:02])

• On the warnings about Toby:
  “You cannot let Toby off the leash outside. He’s gone.”
  – Melissa ([04:08])

• Describing Toby’s escape:
  “He did. Puppy Shawshank. He was down the stairs…doing the run where the back legs almost kick up between the front legs.”
  – Jeff ([04:42])

• Action-movie Melissa:
  “She did a backflip off the patio, spun twice in the air, landed…in three quick strides made it the hundred yards to her car. You know, like doing the run that they do in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…”
  – Jeff ([05:48]-[06:23])

• The comedic wrap-up:
  “Oh, my God. She jumped over a train. She drove by a box marked TNT and kicked it into the river. And she got Toby back. The whole episode was 90 seconds long. But I have never, not only seen a friend of mine, but a human on earth move as fast as Melissa Carter did that day.”
  – Jeff ([07:12])

• Final jest:
  (Mimicking a narrator) “‘I reckon Toby, you knew just what he was getting.’”
  – Cast ([07:45])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:44–02:14: Comedic banter about Melissa’s health excuses and how they affect plans.
• 02:54–03:40: Setting up the return of Toby and introductions at Melissa’s apartment.
• 04:08: Warning about Toby’s uncontrollable nature when unleashed.
• 04:41–05:44: The moment of panic as Toby escapes, team scrambles to respond.
• 05:48–06:23: Hyperbolic, action-movie style narration of Melissa’s chase and retrieval of Toby.
• 07:06–07:45: The triumphant return—with Melissa and Toby safe, crew jokes and debriefs.

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Tone & Takeaway

The energy throughout is lively, irreverent, and full of inside jokes—a hallmark of The Bert Show. Listeners are treated to a slice-of-life catastrophe made all the more entertaining by the dynamic chemistry between the hosts and their willingness to rib one another. Ultimately, it’s a celebration of friendship, humor through adversity, and the (sometimes surprising) lengths we’ll go for our pets and pals.

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Ideal for: Anyone craving a humorous, unscripted storytelling session about life’s little misadventures—especially animal lovers and fans of witty radio banter.

Transcript

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[Podcast Host 2]

You're on the vert show.

[Podcast Host 3]

Should have been a pretty easy night. Jeff is dropping Melissa's dog Toby off before all hell breaks loose.

[Podcast Host 2]

I feel bad that I'm going to do this, but I feel like I need to because we've been snowed. Snowed?

[Guest or Co-host 1]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 3]

All of us. Is this the Melissa thing?

[Podcast Host 2]

Yes.

[Podcast Host 3]

All right.

[Podcast Host 2]

We have all, you know, she, you know, she marches around, says, oh, my kidneys hurt. Oh, my kidneys hurt.

[Guest or Co-host 2]

I never do that.

[Podcast Host 3]

Yada, yada, yada. Dialysis.

[Podcast Host 2]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host 3]

Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada.

[Guest or Co-host 2]

Yada transplant. Never do that.

[Podcast Host 2]

Hey, Melissa, you want to go to lunch today? I can't eat. Yeah. Hey, Melissa, you want to go to the movies tonight? I have dialysis.

[Guest or Co-host 2]

Hey, Melissa, I think those are good excuses. Hey, I don't know what's wrong with those reasons.

[Podcast Host 2]

Hey, Melissa, you going to watch TV today? No, I'm resting for my day dialysis. So I.

[Podcast Host 3]

You know, it's not like we have proof. Like, we can look and go, oh, yeah, look, one of the kidneys isn't working.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, I've got more than.

[Guest or Co-host 2]

You're more than welcome to come dialysis with me. I tell you, it's a lot of fun.

[Podcast Host 2]

Oh, I've got proof. Bert, I'll need you down that CDQ up track 39 and stand by with it. I'll need you to fire it for me. Just a moment. If you could also bring up my computer over here. I do have some sound effects that'll make the story a little more entertaining.

[Podcast Host 3]

39, ready to fire, sir. Warp speed 5.

[Podcast Host 2]

All right, here's the situation. Melissa had some new carpeting put in her house the other day, right? So she brought Toby over to stay with Jessica and Sasha and I. Toby's her dog. Toby's her dog for the day. So the car. So Toby didn't have to be locked in a closet while the carpet guys did all their work and going crazy. And so last night, we gave Melissa a ride down to the Creed concert and in the process, returned Toby to her apartment. So we loaded Toby up in the passport, we drove over. We had to pick up Rachel, our new promotions director here at the radio station.

[Guest or Co-host 2]

So.

[Podcast Host 2]

So Jessica and Rachel and Toby and I drove over to Melissa's apartment. And then we pop out of the car, and we take Toby upstairs. We knock on the door, and Melissa.

[Commercial Narrator]

Goes, come on in.

[Podcast Host 2]

I'm just getting ready. And we bring Toby in the house. And she says, this is my apartment. This is. What's your cat's name?

[Guest or Co-host 2]

Akeema.

[Podcast Host 2]

This is my cat, Akima. This is, you know, look at this nice patio I have. I'll be ready in two seconds. So then she says, okay, I'm ready to go. And Rachel opens the door to the apartment, and she pops the door up and starts to walk down, and Toby runs halfway down the stairs. Now, I freak out because we've watched Toby from Melissa before, and Melissa always says, don't let Toby off the leash because he'll run.

[Guest or Co-host 2]

You cannot let Toby off the leash outside.

[Podcast Host 3]

He's gone.

[Podcast Host 2]

Cause he'll run. And she always maintains that he runs toward the busiest intersection. But she's way in the back of this apartment complex. Way in the back. So anyway, so Toby starts to run down the stairs, and I panic.

[Podcast Host 1]

Toby.

[Podcast Host 2]

And Jessica sees Toby.

[Podcast Host 1]

Toby.

[Podcast Host 2]

And Melissa goes, toby, come here. And Toby comes back upstairs. So we're all very impressed. So we continue to file out, not really paying so much to what we now think is obedient Toby. And just as we all get outside and Melissa turns around to lock the door, Toby makes a run for it.

[Guest or Co-host 1]

Oh, boy.

[Podcast Host 2]

And he did. Puppy Shawshank. He was down the stairs.

[Podcast Host 3]

He's been planning it for a while.

[Podcast Host 2]

Down the stairs, front, you know, doing the run where the back legs almost kick up between the front legs. And as Melissa said, right toward Roswell Road, which is. I mean, we're way in the back of the complex. And this dog had a mission. There was a urine soaked leaf somewhere in the front of that apartment complex that he was gonna smell, and he was gonna smell it at that very moment. So now there's like a look of panic and we're like, what do we do? And of course, Melissa's Toby, you know, with anger and Toby, the mom voice. Yeah, yeah. And using its middle name, Toby Bejesus Carter. So then all of a sudden, Melissa realizes that she has to drop the facade that she has kidney disease to rescue Toby. So this is what I remember happening in my hand. But it was such a flash. But Melissa is on the. Is it the second or third story?

[Guest or Co-host 2]

Well, actually, it's one flight of stairs.

[Podcast Host 2]

But it's the third story. It's the third story.

[Podcast Host 1]

Right.

[Podcast Host 2]

So she's on the third story. She did a backflip off the patio, spun twice in the air, landed on the ground. Jeff could have sworn he heard. And in three quick strides made it the hundred yards to her car. You know, like doing the run that they do in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Step hits her car, slides across the hood a la Bo and Luke Duke slides into the car and in her Honda Accord, spun the tires out. Nice.

[Podcast Host 3]

Very nice.

[Podcast Host 2]

And left. Jessica's upstairs making sure the cat doesn't go out. Rachel and I have both come downstairs, and I'm looking at Rachel going, what's etiquette here? What do I do? Do I follow in my car? Do we try to run the other direction? Intercept what's supposed to happen here? Jessica's up on the stairs going, I think this is my fault somehow. This is my fault. And I kid you not, when not 10 seconds later, around the corner of the. You know, of the. What do you call it, apartment complex, comes Melissa. Melissa Carter with Toby in the car.

[Podcast Host 3]

Oh, no, you don't have any chitty problems.

[Podcast Host 2]

Melissa, never meaning no harm. She was like her accord became the general leap for a minute. Oh, my God. She jumped over a train. She drove by a box marked TNT and kicked it into the river. And she got Toby back. The whole episode was 90 seconds long. But I have never not only seen a friend of mine, but a human on earth move as fast as Melissa Carter did that day.

[Podcast Host 3]

There is no kitty problem.

[Podcast Host 2]

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[Guest or Co-host 1]

Selvies.

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