The Bert Show: "Vault: Jeff Drops Melissa's Dog Off"

Release Date: October 27, 2025
Host: Bert and the Bert Show Cast

Episode Overview

This episode dives into a chaotic—and hilarious—story about Jeff dropping off Melissa's dog, Toby. What starts as a seemingly simple good deed turns into a madcap adventure involving frantic pet-chasing, friendly ribbing about Melissa’s well-documented health issues, and a showcase of Melissa's surprising speed and agility. As always, the Bert Show cast brings authenticity, warmth, and plenty of humor to their storytelling, inviting listeners right into their world.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Setup: Dropping Off Toby

• Jeff volunteered to dog-sit for Melissa while new carpeting was installed at her home, to spare Toby the disruption ([02:54]).
• After the concerts, Jeff, Jessica, and Rachel bring Toby back to Melissa's apartment ([03:25]).
• Melissa welcomes the crew in, showing off her freshly carpeted apartment and introducing her cat, Akima ([03:34]).

2. Good Intentions…Lead to Chaos

• As the group prepares to leave, Rachel opens the door; Toby dashes halfway down the stairs, causing a sudden panic ([04:10]).
• The group recalls Melissa’s oft-repeated warning: “You cannot let Toby off the leash outside. He’s gone.” ([04:08]).

3. The Great Escape

• Initially, Toby responds obediently and comes back—giving everyone a false sense of security ([04:24]).
• As Melissa turns to lock her door, Toby seizes the chance and bolts for the exit, aiming (as Melissa claims) directly for the nearest busy intersection ([04:42]).
• Jeff describes the almost cinematic scope of Toby’s escape, humorously attributing doggy motivation to the search for “a urine-soaked leaf somewhere in the front of that apartment complex” ([04:48]).

4. Melissa’s Moment of Glory

• Faced with a loose dog, and no time for her usual “I have kidney issues” explanations, Melissa leaps into action.
• The cast riffs off action movie clichés to describe Melissa’s feat:
  • “She did a backflip off the patio, spun twice in the air, landed…in three quick strides made it the hundred yards to her car…like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…slides across the hood a la Bo and Luke Duke…” ([05:48]-[06:23]).
• The rest of the crew is left stunned, trying to figure out the etiquette for chasing a runaway dog—and marveling at Melissa’s superhuman effort ([06:24]).

5. The Happy Ending (and More Ribbing)

• Within 90 seconds, Melissa reappears at the apartment, having recaptured Toby and restored order ([07:06]).
• The cast cannot resist more humor—comparing Melissa’s car to the General Lee in "Dukes of Hazzard," joking about “kicking a box marked TNT into the river,” and Melissa’s tire-spinning exit ([07:12]).
• The moment is capped with admiration for Melissa's sudden transformation and the whole group’s laughter.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Melissa’s health excuses:
  “She, you know, she marches around, says, ‘Oh, my kidneys hurt. Oh, my kidneys hurt.’”
  – Host ([02:02])

• On the warnings about Toby:
  “You cannot let Toby off the leash outside. He’s gone.”
  – Melissa ([04:08])

• Describing Toby’s escape:
  “He did. Puppy Shawshank. He was down the stairs…doing the run where the back legs almost kick up between the front legs.”
  – Jeff ([04:42])

• Action-movie Melissa:
  “She did a backflip off the patio, spun twice in the air, landed…in three quick strides made it the hundred yards to her car. You know, like doing the run that they do in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon…”
  – Jeff ([05:48]-[06:23])

• The comedic wrap-up:
  “Oh, my God. She jumped over a train. She drove by a box marked TNT and kicked it into the river. And she got Toby back. The whole episode was 90 seconds long. But I have never, not only seen a friend of mine, but a human on earth move as fast as Melissa Carter did that day.”
  – Jeff ([07:12])

• Final jest:
  (Mimicking a narrator) “‘I reckon Toby, you knew just what he was getting.’”
  – Cast ([07:45])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:44–02:14: Comedic banter about Melissa’s health excuses and how they affect plans.
• 02:54–03:40: Setting up the return of Toby and introductions at Melissa’s apartment.
• 04:08: Warning about Toby’s uncontrollable nature when unleashed.
• 04:41–05:44: The moment of panic as Toby escapes, team scrambles to respond.
• 05:48–06:23: Hyperbolic, action-movie style narration of Melissa’s chase and retrieval of Toby.
• 07:06–07:45: The triumphant return—with Melissa and Toby safe, crew jokes and debriefs.

Tone & Takeaway

The energy throughout is lively, irreverent, and full of inside jokes—a hallmark of The Bert Show. Listeners are treated to a slice-of-life catastrophe made all the more entertaining by the dynamic chemistry between the hosts and their willingness to rib one another. Ultimately, it’s a celebration of friendship, humor through adversity, and the (sometimes surprising) lengths we’ll go for our pets and pals.

Ideal for: Anyone craving a humorous, unscripted storytelling session about life’s little misadventures—especially animal lovers and fans of witty radio banter.