Vault: Jeff Finally Did Something He's Spent Years Dreaming About

Summary

The Bert Show: “Vault: Jeff Finally Did Something He's Spent Years Dreaming About”

Date: March 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and highly relatable episode, the Bert Show crew dives into a long-held fantasy of co-host Jeff Dollar: ramming a shopping cart with a car. The show riffs on everyday frustrations, from stubborn parking lot gates to stray shopping carts, and capitalizes on listener participation to make a hilarious, oddly satisfying vehicular dream come true. The segment mixes playful banter, behind-the-scenes setup drama, and the surprisingly anticlimactic payoff of Jeff’s long-awaited cart collision.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Origin: Relatable Car Frustrations

• The story kicks off as Jeff recounts how a Mike Tyson news item about ramming through a stuck gate sparked a show debate about car-based impatience.

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 01:08):
    "We all have these weird frustrations in the car that all have to do with patience, like waiting for the arm to go up so you can leave the airport parking lot or any parking garage..."

• Jeff shares a personal memory of leaving a hospital parking lot after his child was born, feeling tempted to ram an exit gate that wouldn't open, echoing a universal urge.

The Fantasy: Smashing a Shopping Cart

• The crew acknowledges the unique—but not entirely uncommon—desire to hit a rogue cart in a parking lot:

  • Quote (Melissa, 04:24):
    "There it is. Come saying, hit me. Hit me, boy. Take me out."

• A listener calls in to offer their ancient, nearly-dead van as the perfect tool for the job, setting the stunt in motion.

• The rundown: The team gathers in an empty, construction-stalled parking lot with a 1980s-era van belching smoke, encouraging Jeff to live out his “cartage” dream.

The Setup: Janky Vans & Risky Business

• The chosen van is perfectly dilapidated—held together by luck and the occasional screwdriver:

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 05:49):
    "This van is held together... I wanted the window rolled down, you know, and so I try to roll. He goes, no, it doesn't look like that. And he pulls the door apart, takes a screwdriver out, and then the window just falls into the door."

• The show’s videographer, the only paid staffer present, theatrically lists every potential catastrophe for the record, heightening the suspense and comedy.

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 05:22):
    "Just want to go on record... Jeff could die or be maimed."

The Big Moment: Cart vs. Van (07:01–09:14)

• Jeff speeds the rickety van toward a lone shopping cart as the crew cheers him on.

• Humorous play-by-play and Rocky theme references abound:

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 07:56):
    “Let’s do it. Cue the Rocky theme. I’m getting in the love mobile.”
  • Quote (Co-host, 08:16):
    "Get it, boy. Go get it."

• The cart stubbornly resists dramatics; instead of going airborne, it stays nearly intact while the van takes the real beating:

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 09:04):
    "The cart—not damaged at all."
  • Quote (Co-host, 09:07):
    "The van fender and the bumper has fallen off, but the cart is in perfect working order."

The Aftermath: Reflections & Listener Relatability (09:24–10:23)

• A mail carrier caller relates to the joy of “liberation” via minor destruction after years of pent-up irritation with trash cans blocking mailboxes.

• The cast cautions against trying this at home, noting that the “fantasy” is far rougher on your vehicle than expected—even if it’s fun for a moment:

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 10:01):
    “Don’t try this at home, kids. Your car will take a beating.”
  • Quote (Melissa, 10:05):
    “It’s not worth it.”

• Jeff hilariously admits his craving for random destruction is now even stronger:

  • Quote (Jeff Dollar, 10:15):
    “It’s the worst possible thing I could have done. I wanna run over everything now.”
  • Quote (Co-host, 10:22):
    “You’re an addict now.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Channeling Mike Tyson:
  "Yeah, generally I think if you have a tattoo on your face, you don't take no for an answer."
  — Co-host, 01:29

• On Listener Bonds:
  "Jeff lived this for you yesterday... He did this for all of us."
  — Co-host, 09:45 / 09:51

• On the Unbreakable Cart:
  "The cart—not damaged at all."
  — Jeff Dollar, 09:04

• On Regrets and Revelations:
  "It feels so good. But seriously, don't do it... I wanna run over everything now."
  — Jeff Dollar, 10:06 / 10:15

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Important Timestamps

• 01:08 — Jeff details the gate-ramming fantasy’s origin and his history of parking lot frustrations.
• 03:21 — Behind-the-scenes logistics and the arrival of the “hero” van.
• 05:22 — Safety disclaimers and crew jokes about the van’s sketchy condition.
• 07:01–09:14 — The big build-up, the cart hit, and the aftermath.
• 09:24–10:23 — Listener reactions, Jeff’s admission of newfound destruction cravings, and public service warnings.

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Episode Tone & Style

The show is lighthearted, engaging, and full of playful banter, riding the line between wish fulfillment and comedic cautionary tale. The camaraderie among the hosts and the interactivity with listeners infuse the segment with warmth and a sense of communal catharsis—almost everyone has wanted to “just ram it” at some point. The segment is structured for laughs, nostalgia, and a little bit of vicarious thrill.

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This episode perfectly captures the Bert Show’s blend of humor, authenticity, and relatable content, taking a parking lot pipe dream and spinning it into a hilarious, surprisingly poignant celebration of everyday annoyances.

Transcript

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[Jeff Dollar]

the Bird Show Jeff got to live

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

out a fantasy yesterday. And not only for him, but I think for all of us have at least had this thought in our minds at one point or another.

[Jeff Dollar]

It's. And it's. I gotta tell you, Bert asked me this morning when, when I came in how it felt and it felt better than I expected. This is so funny, I gotta be honest with you. Because it started with that Mike Tyson story. Yeah, Mike Tyson couldn't get through the gate of a community that he was visiting. Gate wasn't opening fast enough or that wasn't accepting his code, so he just rammed it.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Yeah, generally I think if you have a tattoo on your face, you don't take no for an answer.

[Jeff Dollar]

So there was a picture of the messed up gate in the news and Jen did the story in Entertainment Buzz. And so we started talking about that and talking about how we all have these weird frustrations in the car that all have to do with patience, like waiting for the arm to go up so you can leave the airport parking lot or any parking garage, you know, so you gotta put your like. I have a very vivid memory of when Hayden was born leaving Northside Hospital. And we went to the wrong gate, but I didn't notice it and it wouldn't open. And I remember sitting there going, I'm gonna have to ram it. I'm gonna have to ram the gate. Thank you, baby Hayden. But then you see the sign. This entrance or exit closes at 10pm Please use whatever. I'm like, ah, crap. Cause the sign's up. Then you don't have an excuse to ram It. So that's been living in the back of my head, and it rears itself. Whenever I'm in a parking garage or when I'm cruising through a parking lot and I just see one lonely grocery cart, I hear that theme from, you know, the good, bad, and ugly. Like, there should be. Yeah, there should be tumbleweeds going. Tumbleweeds blowing by. And I'm like, a little trigger. Your little hands shifting, ready to go. I got. You know, I can get up to third gear by the time I hit it. So I mentioned that we were talking about the Mike Tyson thing, and a listener called up and said, look, if you want to live out this fantasy, I've got a van. I just bought a new car. I've got a van that's like 20 years old, and it's on its last leg, which is actually funny because I got a phone call while they were setting up for it that the van stalled.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Oh, really?

[Jeff Dollar]

This is perfect. And our intern Jason had to go get his car and get cables and jump the van to get it started.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

And there's a three handy. There's a three kidnapping maximum on any van. And I think he's probably kidnapped three people. So he had to get his car.

[Jeff Dollar]

Right. So he's got to turn it over to the next. So they get the van running, and they call me up, and they go, okay, so we're ready for you. Come on down. So Melissa and I go downstairs, and, like, they had. I don't know. I'm bad at distances 50 yards away.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I am, too. But we turned the corner from our office building to get there, and we both stopped, and we're like, that is exactly what we thought that van would look like.

[Jeff Dollar]

But there's the van, and it's running, and it's got. You know, it's chilly outside, so. And I think the engine's a little bit jacked up. Cause it is. I mean, I think he said it's an 85.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Is the exhaust kind of puttering out of the back and puffs.

[Jeff Dollar]

Putting big puffs of white smoke. So you'll see that in the video. Big puffs of white smoke. So the van is running, and then 50, 60 yards down the parking lot is just one lonely grocery store.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

There it is. Come saying, hit me. Hit me, boy. Take me out.

[Jeff Dollar]

And this is in a parking lot where there's some construction going on. But obviously with the economy, this project has been stalled. So it's completely empty. There's no one in the parking lot, so it's Ours. So as soon as I see it, I get excited. I'm like, oh, this is exactly what I imagined. It's gonna be fun. So I'm talking to Melissa and she's gonna do like an intro, like kind of do a play by play thing for it. And then I'm gonna ram the cart. And so I'm getting over there and I see our webmaster and the guy who's our videographer, and he says, okay, ready to do this? I said, yep. And he goes, okay, well, just so I'm on record as saying, so you could die. And I'm like, excuse me. And he goes, just want to go on record as saying the car could come up through the windshield. The car could go flying down over the hill like all this other. The van could explode, the brakes could fail. Like, he goes over every possible doomsday. And I'm like, why are you doing this?

[Melissa]

To alleviate him, right?

[Jeff Dollar]

And he goes, because that way, if anybody asked me, because he was the only employee out there, because we had. All of our interns were down there. Rich was down there, and intern Jessica was down there, and intern Jason was down there. But the only paid employee was our videographer. And he's like. So I just. Everybody heard that, right? Jeff could die or be maimed.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

And I'm like, I say it's worth it. Yeah, I say it's worth it.

[Melissa]

I am not responsible for what happens to Jeff's brain when these shards of

[Jeff Dollar]

metal go through it, right? So, I mean, this van is held together. Like I told the guy, I wanted the window rolled down, you know, and so I try to roll. He goes, no, it doesn't look like that. And he pulls the door apart, takes a screwdriver out, and then the window just falls into the door.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Haven't we all had a car like that at one point or another where you can to anything in the vehicle and it's just not working.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's cool.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Like the glove compartment. Every time you go around a right turn, the glove compartment opens up.

[Melissa]

I actually had a passenger side door that would open. So there was a bungee cord that was attached to the passenger side door and to the console in the middle, the emergency brake. And that's the only way I kept the door shut.

[Jeff Dollar]

So we're ready to go and we're ready to do this. So Melissa does a little bit of an intro, and then I hop in the van and I make one nice, strong. It only took one.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Let her fly.

[Jeff Dollar]

Mainly because. And you'll see this in the video can't wait to watch. Mainly because I don't know if the van could have handled two, but.

[Melissa]

Well, I think when you. When I got there, yeah, when I got there, I said, who's gonna win, the van or the cart? Because everybody just assumes that the cart is gonna be airborne and go 50, 100ft, and the cart is just this little drinky dink thing.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Not if the van is from 1982.

[Co-host (possibly Mike)]

And I think you'll be surprised.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

So we're gonna play the audio from the video here. The video is now up online on our [e-mail] and we'll see if it prints on the air also.

[Melissa]

Can we watch? Can we watch?

[Tire Rack Announcer]

Can I?

[Jeff Dollar]

Yeah, you can go over there and watch. So, Melissa, you haven't seen this yet, have you? I mean, you lived it, but you haven't seen it.

[Co-host (possibly Mike)]

We all have fantasies when we're in traffic. You know, you're frustrated, and you just want to move ahead, and so you want to ram the car in front of you, but you don't. You have the fantasy.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Don't do it.

[Co-host (possibly Mike)]

We talked on the bird show about that. But Jeff's fantasy is not a car in front of him. It's a shopping cart. He's like, you know, there's so many random shopping carts and parking lots. He's like, just one time, I want to gun it, and I want to hit the shopping cart. Well, you know what? We want to make Jeff Dollar's fantasy company.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

I'm so excited.

[Co-host (possibly Mike)]

We are here today, about to get that van. Thanks to Burt show listeners.

[Jeff Dollar]

Wow, that's a sexy van.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Yeah, you know what? That's the kind of van that you see on the side of the road that's just been pulled over by nine cops with, like, 400 pounds of weed or 400 people.

[Jeff Dollar]

Let's do it. Cue the Rocky theme. I'm getting in the love mobile.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

It's a beige,'70s color band, too, with brown trim, with no hubcaps.

[Jeff Dollar]

Look at the exhaust. That's awesome. Spewing smoke. Here it comes.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Get it, boy. Go get it.

[Jeff Dollar]

Yes, sir.

[Caller or Additional Co-host]

Damn. That didn't go nearly as far as

[Jeff Dollar]

I thought it should.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

No, it didn't go as far as I thought it would go. So

[Jeff Dollar]

the door got stuck shut, and

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

the cart is just lonely and on its side.

[Jeff Dollar]

Oh, my God.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

And the front of the van is just jacked up.

[Jeff Dollar]

Jeff sitting in that van is priceless. That right there is a good cartage.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

So that's online right now.

[Jeff Dollar]

Trashed.

[Co-host (possibly Mike)]

And look at the cart is fine.

[Jeff Dollar]

The cart not damaged at all.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

The bad fender has. And the bumper has fallen off, but the cart is in perfect working order.

[Jeff Dollar]

That's like when I use those on

[Ritual Zero Proof Announcer]

the after after Thanksgiving sale to ram people.

[Jeff Dollar]

Because those carts are sturdy. Yes, Mike. Don't ever do it.

[Melissa]

That is so funny.

[Jeff Dollar]

Good morning.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Q100.

[Mail Carrier Caller]

Good morning.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Good morning.

[Mail Carrier Caller]

I know how death must feel. It must be liberated because I deliver mail. And for some reason, people think that every Thursday they need to put their trash can in front of the mailbox. And I just want to come through the neighborhood and take out every trash can that is in front of the mailbox. I do not want to smell your trash while I'm trying to put your mail in the box.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Yeah. Jeff lived this for you yesterday. His is in the form of a shopping cart, but he did this for you.

[Jeff Dollar]

Thank you.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

He did this for all of us.

[Jeff Dollar]

You're welcome. And I don't want to encourage this because it jacked up. I gave Bert a piece of the van like it is.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dollar]

Don't try this at home, kids. Your car will take a beating.

[Melissa]

It's not worth it.

[Jeff Dollar]

It feels so good. But seriously, don't do it now.

[Caller or Additional Co-host]

Here's my question.

[Melissa]

Do you think that now when you see grocery carts, you're gonna wanna ram

[Jeff Dollar]

them more than before? It's the worst possible thing I could have done. I wanna run over everything now.

[Co-host (possibly Burt)]

You're an addict now.

[Jeff Dollar]

I can't. It feels so great. The Burt Show.

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