Vault: Jeff requested new computers

Summary

The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Jeff Requested New Computers
Date: July 16, 2026

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Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show crew dives into the comically frustrating saga of trying to upgrade their ancient, painfully slow office computers. Jeff recounts his epic battles against office bureaucracy, red tape, and hilarious bad luck as he makes repeated attempts to secure new computers for his team. The conversation bounces between witty banter, relatable workplace gripes, and the age-old office technology woes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Harsh Reality Behind the Studio Glamour

• (00:58) Bert reflects on outsiders’ perspectives: “From the outside looking in… you guys are listening to a radio station. …they must have the most up to date technology. It's a radio station.”
  • In reality, the studio’s computers and network are “devastatingly slow.”
  • Despite their appearance, the team is plagued by outdated equipment and sluggish networks.

Jeff’s Hilarious Attempt at a Purchase Order

• (01:37) Jeff explains his straightforward (and honest) initial attempt to get new computers:

  • Wrote on the purchase order: “Because the ones we have suck ass.”

    “That was actually… on the PO.” (Jeff, 01:37)

  • It “didn’t play the political game” and was rejected.

• (02:12) Jeff’s revised approach:

  • Rewrote the reason as: “The equipment that we currently have is outdated and does not seem to have the capabilities to…”
  • Still hit by bureaucracy and management questioning the quantity.

Management Skepticism and Justification

• (02:47) Management asks why so many computers are needed.

  • Jeff explains simultaneity of multiple team members needing computers.
  • Emphasizes: “We shouldn't have to wait in line. Like, we have the money in the budget. It shouldn't be that big of a deal.”

• (03:17) Bert expresses frustration as the upgrades are from their own Bert Show budget, not the main station’s funds:

  “We shouldn't have to go to anybody to get it, which makes it even doubly more frustrating. … This is our cash.” (Bert, 03:17)

The “Prove It” Test to the General Manager

• (03:27) Jeff finally corners the elusive General Manager, Gary, and requests:

  1. Play a YouTube video
  2. Read an email
  3. Visit any news website

• (05:03) The twist: Everything works flawlessly for Gary during his test run!

  “Flawless. …No problem. Video play. Email opens up.” (Jeff, 05:03)

  • The computer works perfectly only when being demonstrated.

Classic Tech Failure Irony

• Comparison to taking a car to the mechanic when it stops making noises, or visiting a doctor when symptoms vanish:

  “Every time you start it, when it rains, it goes [makes noise]. And then the minute you pull into the mechanic… it sounds like you pulled it out of the dealership.” (Jeff, 06:13)

The Ongoing Misery and Office “Relics”

• (06:52) Running gag about ancient printers:

  “These are the same printers that when I started here in 95.” (Cassie, 07:01)

  • Bert compares them to the “mainframe computers” that “occupied one room, the whole room.” (Bert, 07:04)

• Cassie shares envy over a friend who got an iPad from her government job to work from home, contrasting it to their antique setup.

• (07:49) Jeff jokes about writing a letter of complaint and “taking it down to the mimeograph machine.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On brutal honesty in corporate forms:

  “Because the ones we have suck ass. And that was actually… on the PO.” (Jeff, 01:37)

• On management’s skepticism:

  “Why can’t we just have one new computer?”
  “We shouldn’t have to wait in line. Like, we have the money in the budget.” (Jeff, 02:47)

• On the irony of technology behaving only when management is watching:

  “He gets on it, and it’s like, we just got a brand new computer.” (Bert, 05:23)

• On office tech as relics:

  “These printers look like, you know, in your textbooks a couple of years ago when they showed you what the first mainframe computers in the world look like… That’s our floors, our printers and computers.” (Bert, 07:04)

• On resorting to the mimeograph:

  “I’ve written a strongly worded letter and right after the show I’m going to take it down to the mimeograph machine.” (Jeff, 07:49)

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:58–01:37 – Office tech expectations vs. reality
• 01:37–02:26 – Jeff’s two failed attempts at a purchase order
• 02:26–03:27 – Justifying the need for multiple computers
• 03:27–05:05 – General manager “test drive” and office tech irony
• 05:10–06:46 – Tech never fails under scrutiny and analogies with mechanics/doctors
• 06:46–07:49 – Reiteration: still stuck with old hardware, ancient printers, iPad envy, mimeograph joke

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Tone & Style

The conversation is energetic, sarcastic, and laced with self-deprecating humor, capturing the camaraderie and every-desk frustration that any office worker with ancient tech will recognize. Jokes and playful ribbing are constant, making even their office misfortunes oddly entertaining.

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Takeaway

The Bert Show’s attempt to modernize their workflow is mired in red tape, Murphy’s Law, and unexpectedly effective computers—only when management checks in. Despite their best efforts, the team is “stuck with these things for a while,” and the saga of ancient office tech continues—at least until the next mimeograph letter gets noticed.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Refreshers contain caffeine. You're on the Burt show. I know from the outside looking in, man. I mean, you guys are listening to a radio station. If you've never been to one, man, it must seem like almost sometimes like bigger than life.

[D]

Mm.

[B]

I mean, the engineering around here must be awesome. They must have the most up to date technology. It's a radio station.

[D]

We make so much money.

[B]

Not on our network, man.

[C]

A lot.

[B]

Our network here is so slow, dude. I mean, it's devastatingly slow. To get anything done on our computer network is crazy, crazy slow. So we decided months ago we got our own little separate Bert show budget and we were going to do something about it.

[E]

So I said, you know, we got to buy some new computers because we're upgrading our website and, you know, just to have new computers. So I put it. Filled out a purchase order. It's the same as you do it, you know, corporate office do. And I filled it out. And under the reason why I was requesting like six grand for, you know, five new computers or whatever it was I put. Because the ones we have suck ass. And that was actually. It was on the po. Yeah, that guy.

[B]

That'll get you what you want.

[E]

No, it didn't play the political game, man. That got rejected.

[D]

Really shocking.

[E]

So I decided to fill it out again. And I had to come up with a more politically correct way to say so. I was like, the equipment that we currently have is outdated and does not seem to have the capabilities to. So I sent that one in.

[B]

Did you write that on the form, too? I understand the red tape here, man. Like in any office, like the red tape to get anything done is like exhausting. You know, it's not like a one day process. We're talking about weeks, if not months to get things done. Right?

[E]

So then I.

[B]

And in the meantime, everybody's frustrated because we're working on these really slow computers, you know, even though Jeff is trying to cut through this whole thing.

[E]

So then I get word back that management is questioning why we need so many computers. You know, why can't we just have one new computer? And I said, well, there's times where like either Bert or Tracy or myself are doing like producer type things. And at the same time, Melissa might be pulling up a news story and Jen might be pulling up a entertainment post story and Joanna might be updating the website. Like all that stuff potentially could happen at the same time. And we shouldn't have to wait in line. Like, we have the money in the budget. It shouldn't be that big of a deal.

[B]

It's not even like the radio station's budget, so it's our budget. So we shouldn't have to go to anybody to get it, which makes it even doubly more frustrating. More frustrating, right? This is our cash.

[E]

Our general manager, Gary, is a busy man. He travels a lot. He works for corporate also, so it's a rarity to see him in the building. And I had an opportunity yesterday. He was in the studio and I said, gary, you know what, I need you to sign this po because I need these new computers. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go in and get on the computer that Joanna uses, and it's a desktop computer that sits on Bert's desk. I want you to sit down at the computer and I want you to do three things for me. I want you to go to YouTube and, and play any YouTube video. And then I want you to go to your email and I want you to read any email. And then I want you to go to any website and read a news story.

[B]

You finally got the man in front of you that can make the decision, right?

[E]

And here's what I get him cornered, right? Here's what I know from looking over Joanna's shoulder when, you know, when I've been in there is like, I'll say, hey, can you change this on the website? And she'll go, yep. And she'll click on it and literally minutes pass before the update window opens. Or I'll say, hey, did you watch the video that Jen sent? Should we put that on the website? She'll click on it and it's buffering, buffering, buffering.

[D]

It's as if there was dial up, but it's really just the computer function because it's so old.

[B]

We could get Rhett in here and we could reenact the video that she's trying to download live and get it up faster than we can watch it on YouTube.

[E]

And she makes sure the phone handset is really solid down in the cradle for the dial up modem and everything like. So I tell Gary to sit down and do those three things and get. And guess what happens?

[B]

Uh oh.

[D]

What?

[E]

Flawless.

[D]

Of course.

[C]

Quick.

[E]

No problem. Video play. Email opens up.

[D]

Which computer was he on?

[E]

The one that sits on Birdstadt.

[D]

You're kidding. Yeah, the one that works. The one that sits in 1988.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

And that's the one. I think. You know what? I think that computer is a conspiracy theory going on between the printer and

[E]

my computer in the office to jack

[B]

with you because we've had so many problems with both of them. But that one is used by the Night show also, and everybody else. So there's all sorts of crap on that computer. And I can't believe we finally had an opportunity to prove to this guy how slowly the network runs and he gets on it, and it's like, we just got a brand new computer.

[D]

This is one of the worst.

[E]

Yeah. And it. I mean, everything opened right up. And I was sitting there, like, the video started running. And I'm like, okay, well, the video's running. Wait till he tries to read his email and then click, click, click, click. And next thing I know, he's like, no problem. Hey, Jeff, I'm sitting at the computer and it's working fine. Tool bag. Love, Gary. Send. Hey, look, that worked. Okay, I'm watching a video right now. So then I tried to get him to do the porn stuff that Bert does. That slows it down. And he said, apparently you're not supposed to do that in the office. So we skipped over that.

[B]

Gary, where does it say that? Where is it in writing? Where is it in writing?

[E]

And then we. So everything opened fine. So then I had to turn into just begging mode. And I'm like, dude, have you ever taken your car to the mechanic? Because every time you start it, when it rains, it goes. And then the minute you pull into the mechanic and you start the car.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

And it sounds. It sounds like you pulled it out of the dealership. Have you ever done that? And Gary's like, yeah. And I'm like, what about this? You go to the doctor because you have a nagging cough. But as soon as you get in the waiting room, you don't even have to cough. He's like, yep. And I'm like, so please let us have computers. Please, please, please.

[B]

So the bottom line is we're stuck with these things for a while.

[D]

I think he didn't sign it.

[E]

No, I think he's going, yeah.

[D]

It's a consistent theme. Cause we tease about the printers. I mean, the printers had been here before I got here in 95. And these same printers were here in 95 realtors.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

These are the same printers that when I started here in 95.

[B]

Like these printers look like, you know, in your textbooks a couple of years ago when they showed you what the first mainframe computers in the world look like, how they occupied one room, the whole room.

[D]

That's our floors, our printers and computers.

[B]

That's what our printers look like.

[D]

Seriously, it's bad.

[B]

So we're stuck with these things. Yeah, we're still working on it.

[D]

And it's so funny how. Yeah. A friend of mine who I had mentioned, who has had so funny how has had surgery and actually works for the government and she's had to work from home because of her surgery. They provided her an iPad so that she could be able to work easier from home.

[B]

Is that right?

[D]

And I'm like, really? That's cool. Let me tell you about the computers. We haven't worked well.

[E]

I've written a strongly worded letter and right after the show I'm going to take it down to the mimeograph machine.

[B]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

All new drinks are now at McDonald's with refreshers like the strawberry Watermelon refresher and the Mango Pineapple refresher with popping boba. To crafted sodas like the Sprite Berry blast with berry flavors and cold foam. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire six? All new drinks are here now at McDonald's.

[B]

Refreshers contain caffeine.