Vault: Jeff's Bathroom Mistake

Summary

The Bert Show — “Vault: Jeff's Bathroom Mistake”

Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Date: October 30, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively and humorous episode, the cast of The Bert Show dives into one of their signature moments: an embarrassing and all-too-relatable story from Jeff about a bathroom mishap. With the group’s trademark good-natured ribbing and comfort with oversharing, Jeff recounts the day he made a regrettable (and painful) mix-up between baby wipes and Clorox wipes. The cast reacts with their usual blend of disbelief, teasing, and sympathy, creating a fun, spirited conversation about everyday fiascos and the bonds forged through sharing them.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: “You cannot feel as stupid as Jeff did”

• Bert sets up the segment, promising listeners they’ll feel better about any embarrassing moment after hearing Jeff’s story.
  • Notable Quote:
    “No matter what you do today, by the end of working day today, you cannot feel as stupid as Jeff did on this given day.” (02:14 – Bert)
• The cast expresses mock anticipation and schadenfreude over being let in on Jeff’s blunder.

2. The Bathroom Dilemma Unveiled

• Jeff begins to delicately recount a time when he suffered from a stomach bug, resulting in a need for “looser” bathroom accommodations.
  • Notable banter about phrasing:
    “He sounds like a man. My daily movement, my bowel movements.” (03:42 – Bert)
• Jessica, described by Jeff as “the saint”, thoughtfully bought baby wipes to help him cope during his illness.

3. Baby Wipes vs. Clorox Wipes: The Mix-Up

• On a later, healthy day, Jeff faces a shortage of toilet paper and remembers the leftover wipes under the sink.
• He blindly grabs what he believes to be baby wipes, uses them, and then, while washing his hands, realizes with horror that he used Clorox counter wipes instead.
  • Notable Quote: “I look down at the can of Clorox counter wipes.” (06:20 – Jeff)
  • Cast erupts in disbelief and mock sympathy.
• The group jokes about the catastrophic implications:
  • “No, you didn’t, Jeff. That’ll take all the skin right off your butt.” (06:23 – Bert)
  • Jeff’s instant, deadpan admission: “I bleached my ass.” (06:33 – Jeff)

4. Fallout & Aftermath

• Jeff admits to still feeling the effects of his mistake “about once a day,” causing both himself and the crew to erupt into laughter.
  • Notable Quote: “About once a day I’m reminded of my mistake.” (07:07 – Jeff)

5. Classic Morning Show Banter

• The cast jokes about Jeff’s creative approach to the crisis, the risks of oversized hands and tiny wipes, and the philosophy of “external use only.”
  • “You must have sewed, like, 13 of those together.” (04:23 – Bert)
  • “It says for external use only.” (06:54 – Cassie)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:14 — Bert introduces Jeff’s infamous bathroom mistake with comic buildup.
• 03:19 — Jeff recounts the illness that started the saga.
• 05:30 — Jeff finds himself out of toilet paper and attempts to improvise with “wipes.”
• 06:20 — The horrifying realization: Jeff used Clorox wipes.
• 06:33 — Jeff confesses bluntly: “I bleached my ass.”
• 07:07 — Ongoing repercussions and group laughter.

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Memorable Quotes

• Bert (02:14):
  “No matter what you do today... you cannot feel as stupid as Jeff did on this given day.”
• Jeff (06:33):
  “I bleached my ass.”
• Bert (06:23):
  “That’ll take all the skin right off your butt.”
• Cassie (06:54):
  “It says for external use only.”
• Jeff (07:07):
  “About once a day I’m reminded of my mistake.”

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Tone & Style

The episode is lighthearted, candid, and full of the camaraderie and playful teasing characteristic of The Bert Show. The cast balances empathy with irreverent humor, making Jeff’s misfortune a group-mocking therapy session — and a comfort for anyone who’s ever suffered a “why me?” moment in the bathroom.

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Summary:
Jeff’s bathroom blunder provides ample fodder for a signature Bert Show episode: unfiltered, relatable, and hilarious. The group’s roast-a-palooza turns one man’s Clorox mishap into a universal lesson in always checking the label — and laughing at yourself. This episode is sure to lift any listener’s spirits (and maybe make them double-check under their own sinks!).

Transcript

[A]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

Jeff Bridges why are you still living above our garage?

[A]

Well I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me.

[B]

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[A]

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[C]

Nice.

[B]

J free.

[D]

You heard them.

[A]

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[E]

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[A]

So what are we having for lunch?

[B]

Dude, my work here is done.

[F]

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[C]

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[E]

You're on the Burt Show. I want you to leave the show today knowing this, that no matter what you do today, by the end of working day today, you cannot feel as stupid as Jeff did on this given day.

[D]

Quite a horrific experience I had last week, and I forgot to share it with you. And I know how you guys enjoy peeking inside of my world and just.

[E]

Take a quick vote. Anybody here really enjoy peeking inside of Jeff's world?

[D]

I don't have much time here, so we'll just move on. You know, especially peeking inside my bathroom. And if there's.

[E]

That's the one place I do not want to be picking.

[D]

And if there's anything that brings more pleasure to the three people I sit with every morning, it's me making a mistake. So I will share with you a story.

[E]

He's got my interest there. Yeah. You're actually admitting that you made one.

[D]

Yeah, I made an error.

[B]

And he's talking about a mistake in the bathroom.

[D]

So I will share with you a story.

[E]

Would you use one of Jessica's pads? How do you make a steak in the bathroom?

[D]

That happened last week. And this should carry you guys over for a month or so.

[C]

A few.

[D]

And I'm gonna try to be delicate here. If I get too gross, you know, throw a flag. But I'll try to be. Try to be delicate now. Like a year ago or something, I ate something that, you know, disagreed with me or otherwise got some sort of virus in the. In the digestive tract. Okay. Which.

[G]

Which.

[D]

Which made my daily movement a bit looser than it's.

[E]

They had the runs.

[D]

Yep.

[E]

Gotcha.

[D]

And check.

[E]

He sounds like a man. My daily movement, my bowel movements.

[D]

I'm trying to be.

[E]

I need some stool softener.

[D]

I'm trying to be delicate here. So Jessica is, you know, being the saint that she is. When she was at the grocery store that day, she actually bought this can of, you know, baby wipes, like the already moistened.

[E]

You use baby wipes?

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

As an adult, you use baby on your booty.

[D]

Yes.

[E]

Oh, my God. So he went to use the whole damn can for one wipe.

[C]

Me.

[E]

They're kind of small, too.

[D]

You gotta really. You can't. You gotta.

[E]

And you've got big hands. That must have been a mess.

[D]

You gotta make kind of a glove out of it.

[B]

You know, it gets kind of.

[E]

That to be disgusting, but it makes.

[B]

More of A mess before you make.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

You must have sewed, like, 13 of those together.

[D]

Yeah, it's tough. It's not all it's made out to be, but anyway, so she gets me this can of baby wipes.

[B]

It says baby wipes.

[D]

So for, you know, for the period of the illness, I was, you know, I was able to stay clean using those.

[E]

I mean, some think it's funny, but it's really brown and running.

[G]

Okay.

[D]

All right.

[E]

Look at you, Jeff. Just trying so delicately to walk on the line. And there goes Melissa. She's the one jumping off the pier like Lindsay usually does.

[D]

Wasn't this my break? So that means she doesn't even have to talk.

[G]

Right.

[E]

He made a deposit. The bank of bowels.

[D]

So anyways.

[E]

I love that line. We are never getting through this.

[D]

You're sliding into first.

[E]

Okay, all right. Enough, enough, enough, enough.

[D]

So anyway, she buys this can, so whatever. So, you know, however long ago it was, when. When I was sick, they were. They came in very handy. And then I put them in the cabinet underneath, you know, my sink. And then just last week, I'm, you know, hanging out, doing my, you know, usual perfectly healthy daily routine. And your normal stools are back. Yeah.

[C]

Dropping the kids up at the pool.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Everything. Everything's cool. And I look to my right, and no toilet paper.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

So I think, oh, man, what am I gonna do? And then I remember that these roll of baby wipes probably, you know, two thirds or more still there right around the corner.

[E]

That's good for one wiping for you.

[D]

Yeah. Underneath the sink. So.

[E]

So you have to waddle there.

[D]

Two thirds of the bottle so I can reach around. I don't have to, you know, make the waddle to the closet to get some more toilet paper. So I reach around the corner and I grab the can and open it and shake a couple out and take care of business, and everything's cool and wrap up and get dressed and stand up, and I'm standing at the sink to wash my hands, and I look down at the can of Clorox counter wipes.

[E]

Oh, no, you.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Are you serious?

[E]

No, you didn't, Chef. That'll take all the skin right off your butt. Chef has got a raw butt now. When did you do this?

[D]

I bleached my ass.

[E]

You did not. Oh, my gosh.

[D]

And I gotta tell you.

[G]

That I.

[D]

Just didn't do, you know, enough to clean up and move on. I figured as long as I get the moist ones out.

[E]

Oh, no.

[G]

Oh, Jeff.

[C]

It Says for external use only.

[E]

You're really gonna work?

[D]

Yeah, I'm gonna polish this thing up like it's the silver and it's Christmas and family's.

[C]

So.

[D]

I mean, what were the repercussions?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

How did what happened?

[D]

About once a day I'm reminded of my mistake.

[E]

Oh, still yet?

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh my God, that's hilarious. You're on the Birch Show.

[G]

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[A]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[B]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[A]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you. Teach me.

[G]

So.

[A]

Dana.

[B]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[A]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network. Nice.

[B]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[A]

T Mobile is the best place to.

[E]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[A]

So what are we having for Lodge?

[B]

Dude, my work here is done.

[F]

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[H]

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