Vault: Jeff's Present To Bert

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault: Jeff's Present To Bert

Air Date: November 18, 2025
Host: [The Bert Show Cast]
Episode Focus: The Saga of Naming Bert’s New Bulldog

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Episode Overview

In this lighthearted episode, the cast dives deep into Bert's family dilemma: how to ensure his young son Hayden chooses his preferred name––“Dude”––for their soon-to-be new bulldog. The show showcases the team's comedic scheming, Jeff’s thoughtful (and strategic) musical gift, and real-time listener input on the art (and ethics) of subtly influencing a kid’s decisions. All of it is delivered in The Bert Show’s signature blend of authenticity and playful banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: Bert’s Stress & the Naming Right (01:33–03:01)

• Bert Introduces the Dilemma: Bert reveals that after losing their old bulldog, Kahuna, his family (especially his four-year-old son Hayden) is at the heart of picking the new pup’s name.

• Bert’s Preferred Name: Bert confesses he is set on “Dude”––an affectionate word in his household and a nod to his SoCal roots:

  “I just love the name dude for our new bulldog. … It’s in my head, I want an English bulldog named Dude.” – Bert (03:17)

• Tactics Unveiled: Bert describes how, by telling a recurring bedtime story starring "Dude" the bulldog, he aims to plant the idea in Hayden’s mind so that “naming the puppy Dude” feels like Hayden’s own choice.

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2. Strategic Psychological Maneuvering (03:01–05:23)

• Bert’s Masterplan:

  • Nightly storytelling about Dude—a regal-lineage bulldog that just didn’t fit the mold—becomes the vehicle for suggestion.
  • Bert hopes the legend will “grow” in Hayden’s imagination and imprint the name.

• Panel’s Reaction: Jeff and the hosts rib Bert about the manipulative tactics, likening the “burden” to carrying a cross and joking about religion and the panel’s own complicity.

  “I look for ways to just lift part of this weight off… Knowing that Dude the bulldog is one of these burdens.” – Jeff (05:23)

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3. Jeff’s Gift: The “Dude the Bulldog” Song (05:42–07:29)

• Jeff’s Plan: Tapping into the power of music, Jeff writes a Wiggles-style kids’ song about “Dude the Bulldog," hoping to double down on the brainwashing efforts.

• Live Performance: A whimsical, catchy acoustic song is played live on air; lyrics extol just how great a bulldog named Dude could be in Hayden’s life.

  Lyrics Sample:
  “My best friend is a dog named dude / he is short and funny and cute and every single day / I really love to play with my best friend dude…”
  (06:36–07:29)

• Bert's (and everyone’s) Joy:

  “Seriously… that is really great. Who put that together? That is really, really great.” – Bert (07:29)

• Consensus: Bert plans to play the song every night, integrating it into the nightly story routine to further reinforce the name to Hayden.

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4. Listener Call-ins: Success & Cautionary Tales (08:22–12:09)

• Caller Suzanne’s Warning (08:22–08:56): She recounts failing to influence her own daughter’s pet-naming through storytime; despite nightly readings of a book about a kitten named Boadicea, her child named her cat Sabrina.

  “We read this book every night for a year...but no, she wanted to name her Sabrina.” – Caller Suzanne (08:30)

• Co-host Tip: The team discusses the importance of timing—playing the song right before Hayden is asked to name the dog—since a child’s recall is fleeting and driven by whatever’s most recent.

  “I think like for her … her daughter probably just watched Sabrina before she was asked, ‘What do you want to name the cat?’” – Co-host (09:35)

• Caller Steve’s “Small World” Method (10:32–11:08): Steve notes repetition is key, recounting how his daughter became obsessed with a song, suggesting Bert should just “put the song on a CD and let Hayden listen before sleep.”

• Panel Reflection: Everyone laughs at how many educated adults are needed “to try to outwit a 4-year-old.”

  “It’s taken four adults...to manipulate the four year old.” – Bert (12:16)

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5. Comic Relief & Memorable Moments

• Jeff’s Comedic Deflection (07:57): Bert suspects Jeff must have an ulterior motive for being so nice, joking:

  “You fucked it all. There’s something going on.” – Bert (07:53)

• Meta Commentary (13:11–13:23):

  “You can’t do something like if he comes out and says...the bulldog’s name is like turd... Like you can’t say, ‘all right, turdiest dude Weiss.’” – Jeff (13:11–13:23)

• Final Commitment: Bert promises to record the big reveal when Hayden finally chooses a name, agreeing to honor “whatever he comes up with.”

  “What he will name the...dog is what we will go with for sure no matter what.” – Bert (13:23)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “That’s how I feel every day.” – Bert expressing stress (02:00)
• “He just moves slowly, almost as if he was Jesus carrying a cross...” – Jeff (02:02)
• “In my storybook...the legend of dude the bulldog has started.” – Bert (04:20)
• “Probably the best educational tool you could put together.” – Bert (06:08)
• “Hey dude. My best friend is a dog named dude…” – “Dude the Bulldog Song” (06:36–07:29)
• “Now if I played that every time... now it’s all coming together perfectly.” – Bert (07:41)
• “It makes me want to rock back and forth like a kid, right?” – Co-host/Commentator (08:15)
• “I swear, if Hayden doesn’t say dude, we’re gonna get him.” – Co-host/Commentator (12:44)

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• Bert Unveils the Plan: 01:33–03:16
• Bert’s Storytelling Approach: 03:16–05:23
• Jeff’s Musical Gift (Song): 05:42–07:29
• Discussion & Reactions: 07:29–08:22
• Listener Calls (Pet-Naming): 08:22–12:09
• Final Thoughts & Pledge: 13:04–13:39

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Takeaway

This episode of The Bert Show is equal parts family drama and hilarious morning radio plotting. The cast explores the science (or art) of subtle parental suggestion as they lean into manipulating – lovingly! – the next generation. Anchored by an original song, the segment is as much about friendship and creative teamwork as it is about bulldogs. Listeners are left rooting for Bert’s “Dude” gambit to succeed, but the spirit of the show is clear: family, laughter, and community always come first.

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Transcript

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[Bert]

You're on the Birch Show Jeff says he has brought me a gift today. I know one that will alleviate some of the stress in my life and I can't wait to hear this.

[Jeff]

Imagine Bert. I'm sure you've seen him, you know, either in his when he was doing the shirtless thing on the website or just picture been out to one of his appearances. But imagine Bert moving through life with boulders on his back, weighed down by the pressures of everyday life.

[Bert]

That's how I feel every day.

[Jeff]

And he just moves slowly, almost as if he was Jesus carrying a cross through the streets.

[Bert]

I don't know that I'd make that analogy there.

[Co-host/Commentator]

I mean, wasn't he raised a Jew? I guess it was Jesus.

[Bert]

Jesus was Jesus. He's on my team.

[Jeff]

So Bert is moving through the streets with these burdens on his back, and I look for ways to just lift part of this weight off.

[Bert]

You don't think that you're part of that weight.

[Co-host/Commentator]

I think you more of a Judas dive.

[Jeff]

A week earlier this week or no, last week, late last week, Bert told us that he and Stacy have been having conversations about replacing their bulldog, Kahuna, who passed away with a new bulldog. And they're gonna get this new bulldog as a puppy. And because they have a four year old, they are going to give the four year old Hayden the opportunity to name the puppy.

[Co-host/Commentator]

And I think that's smart because the whole idea also behind us, I mean, this is gonna be an important dog to Hayden. His first dog is gonna grow up with this dog. So this is gonna be a very important animal in his life.

[Jeff]

Tell us about the mental warfare taking place in the Weiss household of Sandy Springs right now.

[Bert]

Well, months and months and months ago when Stacy and I were thinking about bringing a puppy in just to kind of like make Kahuna, who was eight at the time, which is really. That's like, that's old. And bulldog ears, they don't live very long. We're gonna bring a puppy in the house. And you know the old cliche, you bring a puppy in the house to make the older dog feel young again. So we started thinking about that, and for whatever reason, I just love the name dude for our new bulldog. I just thought, it's funny. It's kind of an affectionate name that Stacy and I call each other all the time. I mean, I'm originally from Southern California. It's almost like the period in between every sentence that I ever say. So you naming our English bulldog Dude to me was funny, and it was just like, it's in my head, I want an English bulldog named Dude. So since we are going to give the naming rights to Hayden, what I have decided to do is when we go to sleep at night, we exchange stories. I make up one, and then Hayden makes up one, and then he goes to sleep. So the soap opera now in my storybook that I'm putting together for Hayden is a legend of dude, the bulldog who, just to give you guys just very quick synopsis, was born into a very regal line of English Bulldogs like Ugga8.

[Jeff]

But now he's Dude.

[Bert]

I mean, yeah, I mean, privileged. Privileged bulldogs. They were all met a spur. A specific criteria. They were all beautiful. They were show dogs. And dude is the one in the entire line that just came out all jacked up. He's got a very special personality. There's something special about him that I haven't written yet, but there is something special about him. He just looks different, acts different, doesn't have that regal attitude. He's just kind of like, you know, the ugly dog of the litter. And that's where the legend of dude the bulldog has started. So my feeling is, if I tell him this story every night as the legend grows, when we bring a puppy in the house, he will think, oh, my God. How cool is this? I will name our puppy dude. It will be his idea. So there's a little bit of a psychological thing going on. Brilliant idea. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

[Jeff]

So what I thought is, I watched Bert struggle through the streets with these burdens on his back, Knowing that dude the bulldog is one of these burdens. I was thinking to myself, how could I alleviate some pressure?

[Co-host/Commentator]

Because that's what you normally do.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's what Jeff does.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Jeff.

[Bert]

So I took out my pressure.

[Jeff]

I took out my notebook and my guitar. Oh.

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[Jeff]

Knowing that the wiggles are musical, right? Hayden loves the wiggles.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Remember, conjunction junction.

[Bert]

Junction. What's your function?

[Jeff]

If you're trying to get to kids.

[Bert]

Words and phrases, you put it to music. Oh, of course. It's a great idea for kids.

[Jeff]

I mean, I can't sing.

[Bert]

Probably the best educational tool you could put together.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Sure, yeah. Can you actually play the guitar?

[Jeff]

Well, I can. I mean, I can not well enough to sing to do, and I can't sing at all. But to put something together.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Jeff]

For Bert, noodle around a little bit.

[Bert]

And, you know, pick it out.

[Jeff]

So allow me, Bert, to lift one of these boulders off your back with the song dude, the bulldog for Hayden.

[Guest Singer]

Hey, dude. My best friend is a dog named dude he is short and funny and cute and every single day I really love to play with my best friend Duke My best friend is a dog named Duke he gives me kisses on my hands and my little cheeks too and when I rub his belly he shakes like a jelly that's my best friend friend dude When I go to bed at night dude is right there by my side When I wake up the next day, dude is ready to play. Hey, dude. My best friend is a dog named dude A bulldog named dude that's awesome, dude.

[Bert]

Seriously.

[Guest Singer]

There you go.

[Bert]

That is really great. Who put that together? That is really, really Great.

[Jeff]

Now you gotta put that. The house. Put that in Hayden's head high rotation. There you go.

[Bert]

Totally. Now if I played that every time before I read another chapter, chapter out of the story. Now it's all coming together perfectly.

[Jeff]

There you go.

[Co-host/Commentator]

That was selfless and no strings attached.

[Guest Singer]

Yeah.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Bert]

You fucked it all. There's something going on.

[Jeff]

There's nothing going on.

[Bert]

There's something going on. What happened?

[Jeff]

What? I thought it would be a nice gift.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Were you in the car accident with Jessica?

[Bert]

In my head. That's great. That is really. That's a huge present. Cause every day I can play that for him. And again, the brainwashing continues.

[Jeff]

And it's catchy, right? So.

[Guest Singer]

Yes.

[Co-host/Commentator]

It makes me want to rock back and forth like a kid, Right?

[Jeff]

And you kind of bop like this.

[Bert]

Hey, Kristin, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller Suzanne]

Good morning. It's not going to work.

[Bert]

What do you mean it's not going to work?

[Jeff]

Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?

[Bert]

You stop right there. You stop.

[Caller Steve]

No.

[Caller Suzanne]

My daughter's favorite book was Boadicea. And it was about a little gray kitten with purple eyes and just teeny, tiny little kitten. We found a kitten that had been abandoned that looked exactly like Bo. We read this book every night for a year. We loved this kitty and she wanted to name the cat Sabrina.

[Jeff]

Now, did you just read her the story and kind of half ass it or did you write a song?

[Caller Suzanne]

I was a teenage witch every day and it just came out of left field. I had no idea. I thought for sure this cat is gonna be Boadicea. We did end up naming her Boadicea. Cause it was too perfect. But no, she wanted to name her Sabrina.

[Bert]

I wanna tell you that I had doubts that it would work until this morning. Because I'm not all that confident in my writing abilities. However, when you throw this into the mix now every night before I start the storytelling, this is a slam dunk now, man. I've got no question at all that this dog is gonna be Dude.

[Co-host/Commentator]

And based on what she just said, I think Hayden's short term probably a lot like Burt's where it lasts very 30 second periods of time, you know? And I think that like for her, her daughter probably just watched Sabrina before she was asked, what do you want to name the cat? Instead of remembering about Boadicea. So the thing is that you have to somehow do all this right before you ask Kayden, what do you want to name the dog?

[Bert]

So you're saying like name the dog at night, at the normal time that we do the song and we do the story.

[Co-host/Commentator]

I'm thinking as a child, I'm just assuming as a little kid, they're going to go with what they just saw or something that's fresh in their mem. Or you put this on a CD and make sure you're playing it in the car when you guys go pick up the new puppy.

[Bert]

Beautiful. I just want us all to note that it's taking four adults that are pretty educated.

[Jeff]

I'm smart of four year olds.

[Co-host/Commentator]

We're gonna get this kid.

[Bert]

Good morning, Steve. You're on Q100 in the Burt Show.

[Caller Steve]

Hey, guys, how's it going?

[Bert]

All right. How are you?

[Caller Steve]

I'm doing all right. My daughter for the last five years now, when she was a baby, we would put her to sleep and my wife would play music, whether it's some kind of classical or, you know. But then as she got older, she wanted to pick her songs out. But for the last two years, she's been listening to It's a Stinking Small World. Every night before she goes to bed, she'll repeat one on the CD player. It's a small world over and over and over. So just throw it in the CD player and say, hey, why don't you go to sleep? To listening to the dude song.

[Bert]

Absolutely. So maybe.

[Caller Steve]

And let it play into her into his REM sleep.

[Jeff]

Didn't we all try that when we were in college?

[Co-host/Commentator]

I'm 5 adults trying to outwit a 4 year old.

[Jeff]

Am I the only one in college? Because I don't know. Have you guys ever recorded your textbooks into a tape recorder and then put the headphones on when you go to sleep?

[Bert]

I know a lot of people did that.

[Jeff]

It didn't work. It doesn't work. Frap. It puts me to sleep, though. I have a very monotonous voice. I don't know how I'm working in radio.

[Bert]

Suzanne, you're on Q100.

[Jeff]

Hey.

[Caller Suzanne]

Wow, Jeff, you just blew it. That was an awesome, awesome song. Your personality is like, different in my brain, you know, you had this, you know, tough, mean guy, and then comes this thing. It's so cute. I loved it.

[Bert]

This thing's gonna go in heavy rotation on Q100, like right after a 50 song. Right after 50.

[Caller Suzanne]

Put it in the 10 songs.

[Jeff]

Now, let me ask you a question. If you see a bulldog today, what would you name it?

[Caller Suzanne]

Good.

[Bert]

Of course you would.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Now, I commend you. You know, you talk about how you don't play the guitar too well. But you did very well on the.

[Jeff]

Recorder in the song and the pan flute.

[Co-host/Commentator]

Right?

[Jeff]

That's awesome. Kick Zamfir's ass.

[Bert]

Hey, Sean, you're on Q100 head.

[Caller Steve]

Hey.

[Jeff]

My 18 year old daughter was listening to this song and completely rocking out. That's so gonna work.

[Bert]

That's so gonna work. Dude, you did a great job on that.

[Jeff]

No worries. Don't call me dude. That's my new dog.

[Bert]

So it has taken a who, people, adults, educated adults to manipulate the four year old.

[Co-host/Commentator]

But you still gotta record when you ask him and see what his response is. Because I swear, if Hayden doesn't say dude, we're gonna get him.

[Bert]

I made that promise to Jeff that it will be a big night in our house when Hayden names the dog and I will record it, whatever he comes up with. If it's not dude, everything we've tried didn't work, then that we'll have to live with it.

[Guest Singer]

But this is a bulldog named Dude.

[Bert]

Yeah, it's gonna work, man. Brill.

[Jeff]

And you can't do something like if he comes out and says that the. You know that the bulldog's name is like turd or something. Like you can't say, all right, turdiest dude Weiss. And then call it Dude.

[Bert]

What he will name the child is what we. Or the dog is what we will go with for sure no matter what. But that, that puts us into a totally different level right now.

[Jeff]

It's gonna help. Ask those guys to get a tncd. Put it in the house. Put it in the car.

[Bert]

Already done.

[Jeff]

Get on the ipod.

[Bert]

Nicely done. Thank you much appreciation.

[Jeff]

No worries. I love the.

[Bert]

You'Re on the Birch show.

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