Vault: Kids Will Throw Up Anywhere

Summary

The Bert Show — Vault: Kids Will Throw Up Anywhere

Date: May 26, 2026
Main Theme:
This lighthearted and candid episode revolves around the hilarious and sometimes mortifying stories of young kids spontaneously throwing up in public—and often, in the most inconvenient or embarrassing places. The hosts (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the cast) and callers share their personal experiences, showing parents they’re not alone in enduring these unforgettable parenting moments.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Universal Law: Kids Will Vomit Anywhere

• (01:25) Bert (Main Host) kicks things off recalling how young kids (especially ages 2-3) can puke without warning, often not because they’re sick but just because, well, they’re kids.
  • "They don't need to have a cold. They don't need to be choking on something. If they are ready to yak, they just yak in the middle of anywhere sometimes." — Bert (01:25)
• (02:25) The unpredictability is likened to a cat's sudden vomiting—no real warning, and it can be anywhere.

2. Mortifying Parent Stories

• (02:41) Bert’s infamous Outback Steakhouse story:
  • His son, Hayden, unexpectedly vomited on a woman, ruining her big pre-party meal, though the victim was gracious the following day.
  • "My 2 year old at that time or 3 year old, pukes all over her and their night is ruined. But they were really, really cool about it." — Bert (03:16)
• (03:50) Movie Theater Mishap:
  • Another of Bert’s kids, Hollis, throws up during a screening of "The Princess and the Frog," causing a pungent smell in the crowded room.
  • "He basically yacked on the family in front of us in between the chairs." — Bert (04:13)
  • The good news: other parents in the theater understood.

3. When Does This End?

• (05:12) Panel wonders what age the spontaneous upchucking phase passes.
  • Communication improves around age four or five, so the random vomit risk decreases.

4. Call-In Segment: Listeners Share Their Moments

Memorable Call-Ins and Quotes:

• Disney Disaster (06:00):
  • "While they were waiting to see Minnie Mouse, his daughter puked everywhere. All over the furniture in Minnie's house. The whole room had to get cleared out." — Jennifer, Caller (06:06)
• Funeral Faux Pas (06:35):
  • Alicia calls in: her two-year-old peed all over her and her husband just before the last prayer.
  • "We were at a funeral and my 2 year old, right before they did the last prayer, decided to pee all over my husband and I. Right in the funeral service." — Alicia, Caller (06:41)
• The Ultimate TMI (07:18):
  • Amy tells of her baby spitting up into her friend’s mouth.
  • "She decided she wanted to pick up the cute little baby ... and he spit up into her mouth." — Amy, Caller (07:24)
  • "Seriously, there's not enough mouthwash for that." — Co-Host (07:41)
• Cruise Catastrophe (08:01):
  • Chris describes a nightmare "dress-up night" on a cruise, with his 2.5-year-old vomiting AND "rooster tailing" diarrhea on the restaurant table and guests.
  • "He yaks all over the table, just projectile vomits. ... He has diarrhea and rooster tails out of the back of his diaper and gets it all in the back of their Mickey Mouse ears on the chair." — Chris, Caller (08:01)
  • Co-Host laughter and mild horror at the phrase "rooster tail." (08:46)
• Airplane Agony (09:00):
  • Mandy shares the classic airplane nightmare: her nearly-two-year-old vomits on the woman next to her mid-flight.
  • "He threw up all over the lady next to me." — Mandy, Caller (09:14)
  • "And the worst is when you're on a plane because you can't escape that man." — Bert (09:21)
  • "I would open the hatch and I would jump." — Co-Host (09:31)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the age of spontaneous vomiting:
  • "I think we're going to realize when this is all said and done that it's the two year old phase. That from two to three, those are prime yakin years right there." — Bert (07:04)
• On parenting camaraderie:
  • "The good news in a theater like that is that you're there with other parents with 2, 3 and 4 year olds, so they understand it. That's the only saving grace there." — Bert (04:55)
• On the vivid details:
  • "She decided she wanted to pick up the cute little baby and hold him up above her and he spit up into her mouth." — Amy, Caller (07:24)
• On coping:
  • "With Hollis, anything can happen. I would wear an Ebola suit over to our house." — Bert (05:28)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:25–02:34 — Introduction to the unpredictable nature of toddler/preschooler vomiting
• 02:41–03:25 — Outback Steakhouse incident: Bert’s son throws up on a diner
• 03:50–04:49 — Movie theater mishap: Bert’s child throws up during "Princess and the Frog"
• 05:12–05:22 — Panel discusses at what age kids start giving warning
• 06:00–06:24 — Disney character house gets shut down due to vomiting
• 06:35–06:51 — A funeral disrupted by a toddler’s accident
• 07:18–07:41 — The “into the mouth” incident
• 08:01–08:50 — Disney cruise catastrophe with "rooster tail" detail
• 09:00–09:40 — Airplane story; hosts’ nightmare scenarios

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Tone & Vibe

The episode is candid, unfiltered, and playfully irreverent, striking a balance between empathy for parents and comedy in gross-out situations. Listeners are invited to laugh at the universality (and unpredictability) of parenting small children, with the hosts commiserating and sharing their own embarrassing tales.

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For Listeners Who Missed It:

This episode offers both catharsis and community for parents and non-parents alike—proof that you’re not alone if your “prime yakin’ years” have left you with tales of public embarrassment. Whether you’ve survived a cruise dining room meltdown or just dread air travel accidents, The Bert Show keeps it light, real, and funny.

Transcript

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[Main Host]

play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. The Bird show if you guys have kids, you know that and I'll try to handle this delicately. Cause it's 7:25 and some of you are still eating. But if you have kids that are like two, three years old, they don't have to be sick in order to get sick. Like I told you guys when Hayden was younger, when we were at Outback Steakhouse one night, puke sick. Like it just comes from nowhere. They don't need to have a cold. They don't need to be choking on something. If they are ready to yak, they just yak in the middle of anywhere sometimes. And this happened to our family again a couple of days ago with Hollis and I Want to know from you guys that are parents, where's the most inappropriate or embarrassing place that your kid just yacked? And you never see it coming because again, they don't have to be choking on anything. This may not be a symptom of a cold that's been going on for days.

[Co-Host]

It's just a spontaneous row.

[Main Host]

If they're like two years old, sometimes you're just holding them and all of a sudden, bleh.

[Co-Host]

It's like a cat. It could be anywhere, Anywhere, anyt as long they start.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

Even a cat, you get the warning.

[Co-Host]

A little bit of warning.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

They run from the hardwoods onto the rug.

[Main Host]

They know better, right?

[Co-Host]

Yes.

[Main Host]

Now, I told you guys years ago, we're at Outback Steakhouse. And the way that Outback is, is they're all those little. They're booths, right, that are set up about shoulder high right now with the Hollis story.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

Do you have to give as much detail? Because Jessica and I had an Outback craving the other night.

[Main Host]

I haven't gone back there since this happened. So we're there with the family and it's everybody. It's the grandparents, it's Stacy and I and it's the kids and. And Hayden is playing peekaboo with a whole bunch of like 20 somethings that are sitting in a booth right next to us. And all of a sudden he just throws up on the back of the neck of one of the women that are eating there. You remember she called us the next day. I was telling the story and she calls up the next day, she's like, it's okay.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

That was in the back of my mind the entire time I was sitting there. I'm glad you didn't say what booth it was.

[Main Host]

I have not gone to Outback since that day. It was so traumatic. I was. So they were heading out like it was their big filler meal before they went out to go drinking. So my 2 year old at that time or 3 year old, pukes all over her and their night is ruined. But they were really, really cool about it. This one happens on Saturday morning. There was a press screening for the Princess and the Frog at Atlantic Station.

[Co-Host]

New Disney movie.

[Main Host]

Jen was there.

[Co-Host]

Yeah, yeah, it was there with my

[Main Host]

friend and her daughter sitting a couple of rows behind us.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

Oh, no.

[Main Host]

And Stacy gets up to go to the restroom. So I'm there with Hayden and Hollis sitting in the row and. And Hayden just gets up. I mean, Hollis just gets up and pukes. No reason at all. There's nothing coming. It was in the Dark theater, but

[Co-Host/Panelist]

where, like, you stood up and do you walk anywhere or just stand where you stood up?

[Main Host]

So it was sort of half in between our aisle. And I'm sure they didn't know it at the time. They could smell it. But he basically yacked on the family in front of us in between the chairs.

[Co-Host]

Gross.

[Main Host]

And you know, that smell, man, it just permeates through the theater, right?

[Co-Host]

Disgusting.

[Main Host]

And even in a D theater, you know, when they're showing a lighter part of the movie, you can see what people are doing. And you could see as it was getting worse, that people are starting to look in our direction. And I didn't have any napkins, nothing. So it happens right there in the theater with no warning at all. Zero.

[Co-Host]

Not like, daddy, I'm gonna get sick, or I don't feel good or anything like that. Just stand up.

[Main Host]

Now, the good news in a theater like that is that you're there with other parents with 2, 3 and 4 year olds, so they understand it. That's the only saving grace there. But if you're at outback and sometimes there are family, sometimes you're not, it's a little more embarrassing. But this can happen. Your parents, it'll happen anywhere.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

What age does it end?

[Main Host]

Well, at some point, you know, like at 5, they start to tell you, look, my stomach doesn't feel good. But at 2, it just hits them in the stomach and then they're throwing up.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

So 4ish around the communication. I'm just wondering how guarded I have to be around each of your kids.

[Main Host]

With Hollis, anything can happen. I would wear an Ebola suit over to our house.

[Co-Host]

I was thinking that Jeff was trying to figure out at what age he should adopt.

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[Co-Host]

Once I get through that stage, then I can have a kid.

[Main Host]

Good morning, Jennifer. You are on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Hi. Good morning. Hey, I was calling. This actually didn't happen to me. It was my brother, and they went to Very Merry Christmas a couple weeks ago. And if you've ever been to Disney in the past, Mickey and Minnie have their own houses where if you want to see the characters, you wait in these humongous lines and get to get your picture taken with Mickey and Minnie and so forth. While they were waiting to see Minnie Mouse, his daughter puked everywhere. All over the furniture in Minnie's house. The whole room had to get cleared out. So people had been waiting for 30, 40 minutes to evacuate the area.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

Can't puke in Minnie Mouse's house.

[Main Host]

And when you've been waiting that long, you're finally up to the front of the line and you have to wait another 30 minutes based on some kid yakking you forget that you have your own 2 year old and this has happened to you before. Here is Alicia. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller]

Good morning. Hi. Virtual. We were at a funeral and my 2 year old, right before they did the last prayer, decided to piece all

over my husband and I Right in the funeral service.

Yes.

[Co-Host]

At least it was parents crying.

[Main Host]

And how old is your child?

[Caller]

Two.

[Main Host]

Two. I think we're, I think we're going to realize when this is all said and done that it's the two year old phase.

[Co-Host]

Yeah.

[Main Host]

That from two to three, those are prime yakin years right there. Yeah.

[Co-Host]

They just can't tell or communicate or hold it. Well, maybe it's just for a stomach rebellion, you know, the terrible twos. Maybe the stomach is just as rebellious as the kid.

[Main Host]

Hey, Amy, Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey. I know mine's more of an infant story, but my son had just been fed and I had a friend who came over. She decided she wanted to pick up the cute little baby and hold him up above her and he spit up into her mouth.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

Dude, why are we doing this while people are eating breakfast?

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[Co-Host]

That is nasty. Seriously, there's not enough mouthwash for that.

[Main Host]

Hey, Chris. Good morning.

[Co-Host/Panelist]

Look at the joy that Bert is getting. Bert has been waiting since Hayden puked at strangers. Bert has been waiting.

[Caller]

I don't know that I could top that.

[Main Host]

See what you got, Chris.

[Caller]

I, I had my two and a half year old. We were on our first cruise, which was a Disney cruise at the time. He went into the fanciest restaurant on the ship. It was our dress up night and get to the restaurant, sit down, they bring out the main course. He yaks all over the table, just projectile vomits. And not only does he projectile vomit all over the table and all over the people at the table, which was not just our family, it was other people. He has diarrhea and rooster tails out of the back of his diaper and gets it all in the back of all in the back of their Mickey Mouse ears on the chair and.

[Main Host]

Okay, yeah, I think we get that.

[Co-Host]

Yep, that's pretty good. That is hilarious that he just called it rooster tail.

[Main Host]

I think that's good. I'll take one more. I won't get to the one who threw up all over clothes at the Banana Republic while mom was shopping, but. Hey, Mandy. Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey. We were on a flight to Denver and my child. Well, he was gonna be 2 in February, and he had been just, you know, that kid on the plane screaming and yelling and not being still and not going to sleep. And it was late and I was hoping he would sleep, but he didn't. And I'm sitting in the middle and he threw up all over the lady next to me.

[Main Host]

And the worst is when you're on a plane because you can't escape that man. There's no way for the air to get out of that plane, and there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.

[Co-Host]

I would jump. I would open the hatch and I would jump.

[Main Host]

I'd start smoking and just say, turn it around.

[Co-Host]

Then, then get me out of here.

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