Vault: Lets Be Honest

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault — "Let's Be Honest"

Date: December 10, 2025
Podcast by: Pionaire Podcasting

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Episode Overview

This episode revisits the show's popular, occasionally infamous "Let's Be Honest" segment, where co-hosts anonymously submit and answer deeply personal, sometimes squirm-inducing questions. The tradition of bare-all honesty, with a comedic and authentic twist, delivers both laughs and genuine moments as each cast member faces questions aimed at vulnerability, truth, and a bit of embarrassment.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "Let's Be Honest" Pot Returns

[01:20 – 01:47]

• Jeff introduces the format: a "terracotta pot" filled with anonymous, personal questions—meant to make the team squirm.
  • “They're questions that are basically designed to make you squirm.” — Jeff [01:20]
• The crew recalls how tough the last session was, which led to some fallout, but they're giving it another go.

2. Who Would You Have Lost Your Virginity To?

[02:13 – 02:59]

• Crash’s question: If you could have lost your virginity to someone you've since met, who would it be and why?
• Crash answers: “Jessica Simpson.”
  • Jen clarifies if celebrities count; Crash argues the question doesn't exclude them.
  • Jeff and others joke about the “easy question,” and Crash simply replies:
    • “Because she looks like Jessica Simpson.” — Crash [02:53]
• The group jokes about who would have answered differently and riffs about dodging trouble.

3. Choosing Your Vice President—Bert’s Presidential Pick

[03:11 – 04:24]

• If running for President, which co-host would you choose as your running mate—and why?
• Jeff methodically eliminates each person for humorous, mock-political reasons:
  • “I can't have Melissa because three fourths of the country wouldn't allow a gay vice president.” — Jeff [03:24]
  • “I couldn't pick Crash because inevitably, you know, Crash has something in his past that would come out and ruin our candidacy. Or he'd be drunk at a debate.” — Jeff [03:45, 03:53]
  • “Buzz ... there’s always some kind of phone scam around the corner.” — Jeff [03:56]
• Picks Jen Hobby as the most politically correct.
  • “I'd go with Jen Hobby then, I think as my vice president.” — Jeff [04:21]
• Jen retorts about her own “past”: “As soon as they dig up my past, you're screwed.” [04:24]

4. If You Had to Sleep With Someone’s Significant Other

[05:09 – 05:36]

• Crash faces: “If you had to sleep with the significant other of someone on the Bert Show, who would you choose and why?”
  • Ryan quips: “It would be Ryan. I've always wanted to do a rock star, baby.” [05:23]
  • Crash admits: “I'd do Stacy. She's too cute, she's little... There's just something about Stacy... ultra cute and sexy.” — Crash [05:36]

5. The Impact of Breakup — Melissa’s Honest Take

[06:46 – 08:59]

• Melissa is asked: If someone retold the story of her breakup with “not Lisa” in full detail, who was more at fault? “Equal” is not allowed.
  • After some hesitation and group banter, Melissa answers:
  • “I'd say me. Because ... after the illness, I'm the one that totally changed my vibe ... I had a new lease on life ... and not Lisa didn't have that. So I would put the blame on me, because I'm the one that initiated the change.” — Melissa [08:00]
• They talk candidly about the changes illness can bring to perspective and relationships.
  • Jeff: “Your perspective is different after the illness.” [08:57]
• Melissa reflects on her healing and moving past the hurt.

6. Private Habits Confessed — Jen Hobby

[11:24 – 13:51]

• Jen faces: “What do you do in private you’d never do in front of us for fear of endless ridicule?”
  • After quips about past “Am I Normal?” segments, Jen reveals:
  • “I can seriously sit in the mirror for hours and analyze and reanalyze my eyebrows and every little hair on my face ... I have, like, man hairs ... and so I'm always checking ... to pluck the random man hairs that come out of my face.” — Jen Hobby [12:05]
  • The group jokes about “face pubes” and “nipple snakes,” making light of the confession.
    • “For future reference, that's called a face pube.” — Crash [13:15]
    • “If you have them on your nipples, they're nipple snakes.” — Jen Hobby [13:20]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the purpose of honesty:
  • "We will answer these questions honestly. And the last time we did this, it got really ugly because the questions were really hard and they made you squirm and they hurt people around us. So we swore it off and then decided to bring it back." — Jeff [01:47]
• Crash’s celebrity crush:
  • "Jessica Simpson ... because she looks like Jessica Simpson." — Crash [02:53]
• Jeff’s diffusing candor about politics:
  • "I can't have Melissa because three fourths of the country wouldn't allow a gay vice president." — Jeff [03:24]
• Honest, raw self-accountability:
  • "I'd say me. ... after the illness ... I'm the only one that had that perspective of facing death and then coming out on the other side." — Melissa [08:00]
• Self-deprecating humor about unwanted facial hair:
  • "I can sit in the mirror for hours and analyze ... man hairs that come up on my face." — Jen Hobby [12:05]
  • “If you have them on your nipples, they're nipple snakes.” — Jen Hobby [13:20]

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Important Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|-------------| | The "Let's Be Honest" game starts | 01:20 | | Crash answers the virginity question | 02:15–02:59 | | Jeff discusses his vice president pick | 03:11–04:24 | | Sleeping with a co-worker’s significant other | 05:09–05:36 | | Melissa on her breakup with "not Lisa" | 06:46–08:59 | | Jen's secret grooming habits | 11:24–13:51 |

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

With classic Bert Show wit, self-deprecation, and mutual ribbing, this episode exemplifies the balance of authenticity, vulnerability, and humor that has defined the show's reputation. The "Let's Be Honest" segment both exposes and bonds the team, while showing listeners that even morning radio hosts are as messy, awkward, and human as the rest of us.

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Transcript

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[Crash]

Get it.

[Jeff]

The Bird show, for those of you that don't know, let's be honest is we all come in here with questions for each other, but they're anonymous and they're pretty. I mean, they're. They're questions that are basically designed to make you squirm. All right, so Jeff has a whole pot full of questions.

[Melissa]

It's a terracotta pot.

With Q100 painted on it. How impressive.

[Crash]

This is our official, let's be honest pot.

[Jeff]

And we've all agreed that we will answer these questions honestly. And the last time we did this, it got really ugly because the questions were really hard and they made you squirm and they hurt people around us. So we swore it off and then decided to bring it back.

[Crash]

Pulled. I'm gonna set aside because we have to get Crash. It was for Crash.

[Jeff]

Okay, okay.

[Crash]

But the one that fell out while I was pulling. It was for Melissa.

[Jeff]

I'm a little nervous about these. I gotta be honest with you. I'm this. I'm this close to peeing.

[Crash]

This one's. This one's for me. So I'll let Jen ask.

[Jen Hobby]

Okay. Are you ready?

[Crash]

I am ready.

[Jen Hobby]

It says.

If you could have lost your virginity to someone you have met since, who would it be and why?

[Jeff]

What's that?

[Melissa]

I think it's an easy question.

[Jeff]

Yeah, you got a softball there. That's cool.

[Crash]

Jessica Simpson.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh. Do celebrities count?

[Crash]

Does it say they don't?

[Jeff]

Oh, I think this was a question from the women trying to get you. Is this trying to corner him into a. An answer that would get him in trouble with Jessica?

[Jen Hobby]

No.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Jen Hobby]

I don't think so. So you would have lost your virginity to Jessica Simpson? Why?

[Jeff]

Hello, Jessica Simpson. Yeah, hi.

[Jen Hobby]

Not because she was a virgin too?

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No.

[Jen Hobby]

Okay.

[Crash]

Because she looks like Jessica Simpson.

[Jeff]

Don't have to say anything more as far as I'm concerned.

[Ryan]

There you go.

[Melissa]

Yeah. Note to Jeff. You should have said Jessica dollar.

[Jeff]

We need to get a bigger pot because Jeff's hand doesn't fit in there.

[Crash]

Okay, here's this. Crash's question. Bert Yelp. Bring it.

It's an election year, and you are running for president. Which member of the show do you choose as your running mate, and why?

[Jeff]

Oh, that's a good point. That is good.

[Crash]

That's a good question.

[Jeff]

Who would I choose as my running mate, and why? Well, I can't have Melissa because three fourths of the country wouldn't allow a gay vice president. So, Melissa, I love you, but I can't. I'm not that progressive yet, and I really want the presidency.

[Crash]

I'm gonna say you can't go with Jen because of the Howard Dean incident. I think she's prone to outbursts like that.

[Jeff]

I couldn't pick Crash because inevitably, you know, Crash has something in his past that would come out and be. Would ruin our candidacy.

[Melissa]

Or he would be drunk at a debate.

[Jeff]

Or he'd be drunk at a debate.

Buzz. Right? Jeff, I would be scared to have you as the vice president because I'd always feel like there was some kind of phone scam around the corner or some manipulation going on that was gonna make me look like an ass on national television.

[Crash]

Hey, Osama bin Laden's on the phone. Psych.

[Jeff]

So I think I would have to go with Jen Hobby as. As the woman that could do the most politically correct of anybody and probably walk the line. I'd go with Jen. Hobby then. I think as my vice president.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah, but as soon as they dig up my past, you're screwed.

[Jeff]

Go to your house and find 12 jackrabbits. You are screwed.

[Jen Hobby]

Dude, you should have just picked producer Tracy. Cause she's kind of the innocent one.

[Jeff]

See, it's the innocent ones you gotta watch out for, you know? Then it's not her background I'm worried about. You have to take a look at your spouse's and girlfriend's and boyfriend's background, too. And I know that Scott guy's into some weird crap.

[Ryan]

I gotta find Crash is kind of creepy. If you look. You look at him in the hallways and he's always got that tilt to his head.

[Jeff]

Yeah. So, Jen, you're the vice president.

[Melissa]

All right, hang on.

[Crash]

I got a question for Crash, but I put it back in. Oh, here it is. Question for Crash.

[Ryan]

No, I'm not drunk right now. Next story.

[Crash]

Let's be honest, okay? For Crash.

I don't like this question.

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[Ryan]

I don't care. Nothing can hurt my feeling. I'm an armadillo.

[Jeff]

That's just a way of saying it's too easy.

[Crash]

No, it's not.

[Melissa]

Oh.

[Crash]

If you had to sleep with the significant other of someone on the Burt show.

[Jeff]

Oh, wow.

[Ryan]

It would be. It would be Ryan.

I've always wanted to do a rock star. Baby.

[Jeff]

I said he is a pretty man. Man. He is a purdy man.

[Crash]

Who would you choose and why?

[Ryan]

Instantly. I would do Stacy.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Ryan]

Oh, she's too cute. She's little. She's petite. I'd throw her around. I'd manhandle her. I would uncomfortable with this. Don't get me wrong. And it's funny because, I mean, Jessica, you're very beautiful. I love you to death and everything. It's just that there's just something about Stacy that I think she's just ultra cute and sexy.

[Jeff]

By the way, I don't think Lee is ever coming home now because of that answer.

[Ryan]

Hey, you want the truth?

[Crash]

What you're saying is Stacy can get done.

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[Crash]

Do I keep doing. I forgot how he did this. Dude. Are we like I draw a bird again? So do I ask him again or do you?

[Jen Hobby]

No, we gotta. You gotta dig for one for Melissa, right?

[Jeff]

That would really be nice.

[Melissa]

I thought you had one for me.

[Jeff]

I think everybody should have to ask. Yeah, everybody.

[Crash]

You've gone or. No.

[Jen Hobby]

No, I have not.

[Crash]

All right. So Melissa and Jenna left.

[Jeff]

Yup.

[Melissa]

Yup.

[Crash]

Melissa.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Crash]

Oops.

[Jeff]

I'm very flattered, by the way. Just be Gentle with her a little bit. I will bring her back just so I can. Over the next couple of months. She'll heal.

[Ryan]

Hey, you're the one that's buffing up there, big guy.

[Jen Hobby]

It'll take a while for it.

[Jeff]

I know. Oh, my God.

[Melissa]

See?

[Jeff]

Well, she's not used to anything like that. Right.

[Melissa]

There's your vice president. Right.

[Crash]

Melissa, if a caller to the show retold the story of yours and not Lisa's breakup with every detail that you and she know.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Crash]

Would you think the end of the relationship was more the fault of not Lisa or you and it was equal? Is not a possible answer.

[Ryan]

Wow.

[Jeff]

That is written by one Jeff Dollar, hands down.

[Melissa]

So a listener knows the entire story, not just what I said on the air.

[Jeff]

100% truth.

[Melissa]

I mean, not what I said on the air was a lie, but with.

[Crash]

Every detail that you and she know.

[Jeff]

For those of you in the office now, you know, we've never revealed not Lisa's identity.

[Jen Hobby]

No.

[Jeff]

If she's. If there's anybody in the office right now.

[Melissa]

No, that's not fair.

[Jeff]

Turning up.

[Melissa]

That's not fair.

[Jeff]

Turning up the radio or the computer could be her.

[Melissa]

Stop. That's not fair.

[Crash]

If you're on the phone with someone and all of a sudden they stopped, that could be.

[Jeff]

Not Lisa.

[Melissa]

There's somebody, Blanche, in your office right now about to pass out if books.

[Ryan]

Come whizzing over your head from your. The partner in your next cubicle. That could be.

[Crash]

Not Lisa.

[Melissa]

The only reason I'm gonna say.

Cause part of me wants to say me. I'd say me.

[Jen Hobby]

It's called. Let's be honest. Yeah.

[Melissa]

I'd say me.

[Crash]

Why?

[Melissa]

Because I think that, you know, the true reason for our breakup is because of how things evolved after the illness. You know, like during the illness, our relationship was on a certain. At a certain speed. You know, it was at a certain. You know, has a certain routine going. And then after surgery, I'm the one that, you know, totally changed my vibe, my, you know, my actions, my. Because, you know, of course, you know, I had a new lease on life, and I would. Wanted to do all kinds of stuff, and I'm the only one that had that perspective of facing death and then coming out on the other side. And not least, it didn't have that. So I would put the blame on me because I'm the one that initiated the change in momentum in our relationship. So I'd say me.

[Crash]

All right. All right.

[Ryan]

It just almost seems like you're. You're blaming Your illness, which you really.

[Melissa]

I'm not.

[Jeff]

No, you can't blame that. I mean, but I'm not.

[Melissa]

I'm answering the question. I'm not blaming the illness, but that's how. That's reality.

[Crash]

That's how you felt.

[Jeff]

Your perspective is different after the illness.

[Melissa]

It has nothing to do with somebody else coming in our life. It has nothing else to do with the fact that we got in a fight over something that, you know, everything had to do with the fact that we didn't know how to handle how different our relationship was after I got well than before I got well.

[Ryan]

It has nothing to do with that manipulating, no good, cheating SOB woman named.

[Crash]

Oh, my God.

[Ryan]

You just gave it away.

[Melissa]

I don't know.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

I don't know who you're talking about, but that's not Lisa.

[Ryan]

So right now, if there's someone walking through the office going, I'm a not a no good. No good. That might be not Lisa.

[Crash]

Melissa just had to say the sentence. That's not not Lisa.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Are you still hurting by the whole thing?

[Melissa]

I'm. I'm a lot better. I'm a lot better because I think once I. Once I started letting go because she let go before I did, and once I started letting go, I feel. I feel a lot. Not as. I don't know. It doesn't feel as heavy as it did before.

[Jeff]

What?

[Ryan]

It was just kind of funny that you actually said that. Are you still hurting?

[Jeff]

Still hurting by the whole. Yeah, I can be.

[Melissa]

Not as much as. Not as.

I can fight it in bird a lot. I know. Not as much. I mean, I think I still have that cautious attitude going forward, but I'm not hurting regarding her as much as I was. Right.

[Ryan]

Well, I know she's getting better because I was. I was changing in our office that we share and she took a double take at me. So things are getting better.

[Jeff]

Kids couldn't believe how small it was.

[Crash]

Yeah.

That was the back hair she was studying, not your ass.

[Jen Hobby]

She wondered how you got that swirl.

[Crash]

So the last man standing is one Jen Hobby.

[Jeff]

Oh, here come the tears. Here we go. Get ready.

[Jen Hobby]

If you guys can't make fun of me anymore because I get really mean emails from people.

[Jeff]

I hear when we. When we talk about how sensitive you are.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes. I get really mean emails from people after we talk about how sensitive I am.

[Jeff]

You need to suck it up a little bit.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, yeah. I mean, like really vicious, mean ones.

[Crash]

Like what, for example?

[Jen Hobby]

Really saying what? I don't know. I could pull up one from Yesterday. It was really mean.

[Crash]

What was the tone of it?

[Jen Hobby]

It was like, oh, first of all, they registered the domain name can't stand genhobbyahoo.com. oh, God, who would you.

And then they said, what time are.

[Jeff]

You on the computer yesterday, Jeff?

[Jen Hobby]

And they just said. They just really mean stuff.

[Melissa]

Every.

[Jen Hobby]

It's funny because that person and, like, two or three others always email. Every time you guys talk about how much I cry on the radio or whatever, they're like, oh, you suck. Shut up.

[Melissa]

They're just jealous you're married.

[Crash]

Will you please send me an email from the address can't stand genhobby.com? because that's funny to me.

[Melissa]

Well.

[Jen Hobby]

And I always think it's my old boss anyway.

[Jeff]

Oh, it could be. It could be that.

[Crash]

I think about it, you know, he's got plenty of time to register. Email address. What do you do in the privacy of your own home that you would never, ever do in front of us for fear of endless ridicule?

[Jeff]

Oh, I bet you've got a fistful of these.

[Jen Hobby]

Endless ridicule.

[Crash]

And I bet the answer involves the phrase fistful.

[Jen Hobby]

That I would never do in front of you guys.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

You know, like when we did Am I Normal? And that woman called up and she said, before the Academy Awards, she gives a speech in her own house.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Or the woman that called up and said that she likes to tie herself up before her husband gets home and be rescued when he walks through the door. That kind of thing.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah, not that weird. That was weird. I'm trying to think of something good. Cause I'm sure there's a bunch of these. But the first two that came to my mind were that I can sit in the. I can seriously sit in the mirror for hours and analyze and reanalyze my eyebrows and every little hair on my face. And seriously, like, I have. This is really gross. I have, like, man hairs that, like, come up on my face. And so I'm always checking it out to make sure that I can, like, pluck the random man hairs that come out of my face.

[Jeff]

I dated a chick like that one time, and we went skiing and the snowflakes were getting stuck in on her cheeks because of all the hair on her face.

[Jen Hobby]

No, it was. It's not a lot that happens to.

[Crash]

Jen when she eats a powdered donut.

[Jen Hobby]

No, no, no. I'm just saying there's like, one or two which will sprout and I.

[Melissa]

Man hairs are different than peach fuzz.

[Jen Hobby]

Peach fuzz is more fun. No, peach fuzz. Man hairs like man hairs is like a coarse black hair.

[Jeff]

Like fly hair, now that I think about it.

[Crash]

You're gonna snip them.

[Jen Hobby]

Just for future reference, I will check my face every single day when I get home from work just to make sure one of those man hairs hasn't popped up.

[Crash]

For future reference, that's called a face pube.

[Melissa]

Is it a face pube?

[Jen Hobby]

And if you have them, if you get them on your nipples, they're nipple snakes.

[Jeff]

I think that might be a good time to.

[Crash]

By the way, perform. Performing at Music Midtown this year. Face pubes and nipple snakes on the same stage.

[Jen Hobby]

That's a weird thing, right?

[Ryan]

That's pretty weird.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

I like the after 8:30 addendum to question.

[Ryan]

Do you have any nipple snakes?

[Jen Hobby]

Every once in a while, yeah.

[Melissa]

That is funny.

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Neat.

[Jen Hobby]

But I checked for those too. It's all about plucking.

[Jeff]

That's your introduction. Let's be honest.

[Crash]

Hey, I gotta go home and pluck my nipple snakes.

Get it?

[Jeff]

The Bird show.

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[Jen Hobby]

So good, so good, so good.

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[Crash]

Because there's always something new.

[Jen Hobby]

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[Crash]

Who?

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