Vault: Listener calls us out on our terrible sex advice.

Summary

The Bert Show Podcast Summary

Episode: Vault: Listener Calls Us Out on Our Terrible Sex Advice
Date: May 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around a listener’s candid feedback about past sex advice given on The Bert Show—a suggestion that watching adult films as a couple can improve a partner’s bedroom skills. The show’s hosts revisit this advice, share both comedic and genuine insights on sexual communication in relationships, and invite listeners to call in with their stories, strategies, challenges, and resources about bridging the intimacy gap with their partners.

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Key Discussion Points

1. The Listener’s Backfire Story (00:57–06:43)

• The Listener Email:
  An anonymous listener writes to say The Bert Show’s advice (watching porn to improve one’s sex life) backfired spectacularly in her marriage. Instead of improvement, her husband started mimicking inappropriate and extreme acts from the films, leading to uncomfortable and degrading situations.

  “He is now just a new kind of clumsy, a new kind of too fast and a new kind of too rough … he’s trying all the nastiest scenes in the movies thinking it’s working for me.” — Listener email (01:44)

• Specific Complaints:
  The husband’s use of graphic language and actions learned from adult films caused discomfort.

  “He’s slapping parts of his body on my forehead and face that are inappropriate.” — Listener email, quoted by Burt (02:39)

• Hosts’ Reactions:
  The hosts express discomfort and humor at the specificity and honesty of the email:

  “You can’t even be sensitive. She can’t talk to her husband about sex.” — Co-host (03:29)

2. Why Communication is So Difficult (03:34–07:22)

• Taboo and Insecurity:
  The group discusses why it’s so hard for couples—especially women—to give direct feedback about sex without hurting feelings.

  “A guy’s ego is wrapped up in all that. You tell him he’s bad at that … every guy thinks they’re the greatest in the world.” — Burt (07:26)

• Challenge:
  Even though direct advice is often given ("just tell him what you want"), real-life examples of that working are scarce.

3. Listeners’ Alternative Suggestions (08:11–15:30)

• Educational, Not Explicit:
  Several listeners call in to suggest structured, educational resources over traditional adult films:

  • “Get a couple of videos that are put out by Nina Hartley … she has a series of videos about how to be a good lover. Start at the basic level.” (08:08–09:19)
  • Instructional videos (e.g., Kama Sutra, Time Life videos) are also discussed but even these can be hit or miss.

• Book Recommendation:

  • “Hot Monogamy is a book that really teaches you how to talk about sex and communicate what you want.” — Listener Diane (15:07)

• ‘Preview Before Viewing’ Advice:
  Multiple callers and hosts stress the importance of pre-screening content to avoid surprises.

  “She needed like two in the morning Cinemax stuff, not like the hardcore section at Insurrection.” — Burt (04:49, humor)

• Start Simple:
  “There are basic videos out there that show how to touch certain body parts … you start out simple. You bring in tools, food items, change the venue.” — Caller Jamie (11:17–12:28)

4. The Difficulties of Changing a Longstanding Dynamic (09:30–10:37)

• Long-Term Issues:
  Highlights from listeners who have been married for over a decade without finding sexual satisfaction, despite trying numerous resources:
  • “12 years. Yeah. So any advice you could throw out there for her or me would be great because it’s…very difficult, especially after 12 years.” — Caller Melissa (10:12)

5. On Male and Female Perspectives (12:55–14:50)

• Communication Styles:
  Hosts and listeners discuss how some women have success by directly (but kindly) suggesting articles or references, rather than adult movies, citing improvements through gentle honesty.

  • “Tell him what you want in the bedroom right off the bat. I told him to just read, go online … over time he improved.” — Caller Sandra (12:55–13:33)

• Sports Analogy for Self-Improvement:

  “You know, that was a bad game that you just played. Well, you got another game coming up this weekend. Play completely differently. It’s going to be fine.” — Co-host (14:39)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Notable Moment | |-----------|------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:44 | Listener | “He is now just a new kind of clumsy, a new kind of too fast and a new kind of too rough…” | | 02:39 | Burt | “He’s slapping parts of his body on my forehead and face that are inappropriate.” | | 03:34 | Burt | “I’d say 70, probably 75% of couples don’t talk to each other about sex…It’s just awkward all around.”| | 07:26 | Burt | “A guy’s ego is wrapped up in all that…every guy thinks they’re the greatest in the world.” | | 08:14 | Caller | “What she needs to do is get a couple of videos that are put out by Nina Hartley…” | | 10:12 | Melissa | “12 years. Yeah. So any advice you could throw out there…would be great because…it’s very difficult.” | | 11:17 | Jamie | “After a period of time, your bodies change, so what used to work for you stops working…” | | 13:33 | Sandra | “I learned from my mother…tell him what you want in the bedroom right off the bat.” | | 14:39 | Co-host | “That was a bad game…Well, you got another game coming up…Play completely differently.” | | 15:07 | Diane | “A book called Hot Monogamy…it really teaches you how to talk about sex…” |

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• 00:57–06:43: Listener email and discussion of why the porn advice backfired
• 06:43–08:11: Callers weigh in on the difficulties of having “the talk”
• 08:11–09:19: Nina Hartley educational video series recommendation
• 10:12–10:37: 12-year unsatisfying marriage, and the struggle to change things
• 11:17–12:28: Step-by-step advice from Jamie about starting simple and building up
• 12:55–13:33: Sandra shares a case of direct communication leading to improvement
• 15:07–15:30: Book recommendation: “Hot Monogamy”

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Insights & Takeaways

• Communication is Hard but Key: The main consensus is that honest, sensitive communication about intimacy is essential, but extremely difficult to initiate and sustain due to ego and vulnerability.
• Skip the Porn as a Teaching Tool: Mainstream adult films can provide unrealistic or extreme ideas, often making things worse if used for direct emulation.
• Start with Educational Tools: Consider basic, instructional videos or books that focus on communication and mutual pleasure rather than explicit content.
• Practice Kindness in Feedback: When discussing change, frame requests positively and focus on what feels good rather than what’s lacking.
• Every Couple’s Needs Are Unique: There’s no one-size-fits-all strategy—what works for one couple may flounder for another.

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Final Advice (Listener Lisa):

“Be very careful of what you ask for, because you just might get it—from angles that you don’t think are appropriate.” (06:36)

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Episode Tone:
Candid, humorous, and empathetic—balancing laugh-out-loud moments with sincere listener-driven advice. Real, direct, sometimes a bit awkward, but always authentic.

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Useful For:
Anyone struggling to talk sex with a partner—or looking for gentle, effective ways to move toward mutual satisfaction in the bedroom.

Transcript

[Burt]

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[Co-host 1]

ought to know today.

[Burt]

People who switch their car insurance to geico save about $900 a year. Experts are calling that nice to know. Also, plants can hear when bees buzz. My ficus just heard that. And finally, animal experts have confirmed that goats have regional accents. I'm getting a hint of Irish there. It feels good to get good news. It feels good to Geico my shopping sty. More stay at home than try in store. So my Amex Blue Cash Everyday card is my go to accessory. When I shop, it's easy to earn by getting 3% cash back on US online retail purchases. Each order brings me closer to more cash back. So go ahead, add the card and shop the latest styles, reinvent your look and reward yourself with Amex. And try on the Blue Cash every day card. Learn [e-mail] Explore BCE terms and cash Back Cap apply. This is the Burt show says Burt Show. I'm writing this from an anonymous email address. I'm not looking for help. I'm actually giving advice based on some bad advice your show gave me. I can't remember how long ago it was, but the show got into some debate on how you might be able to make a bad lover a better lover. One of the suggestions that was mentioned by a caller was to buy some porn and have your man learn some new moves. Sounded great. My husband is good at many things. Ask him to fix the sink. No problem. Something wrong with the car? Done. But sex? Not so much. He's clumsy, he's too fast, he's too rough. The sex is routine. We were having sex less and I was taking care of myself more. And he noticed. However, he's really sensitive. Having to talk with him about his lack of talent wasn't an option. I struggled with the right words to say for months. I came up with nothing that wouldn't hurt him. So I just started purchasing some porn, thinking he'd pick up some new moves. And he watched. And he watched and we watched. He is now just a new kind of clumsy, A new kind of too fast and a new kind of too rough.

[Co-host 1]

Oh no.

[Co-host 2]

Backfired.

[Burt]

The biggest problem. I gotta be careful with this. The biggest problem is that he's trying all the nastiest scenes in the movies thinking it's working for me. The foul language he's now using is too graphic and gross. He's slapping parts of his body on my forehead.

[Co-host 2]

Oh no.

[Burt]

And face that Are inappropriate.

[Co-host 2]

Well, he's definitely adventurous. I just picture this. Step it on up there, son. Go get your woman. Does that ever work?

[Burt]

I slap it on the forehead.

[Co-host 1]

No. Come on.

[Co-host 2]

Are you really even asking that question?

[Burt]

Then it shouldn't be allowed in a movie.

[Co-host 2]

Come on.

[Burt]

Then it shouldn't be allowed in a movie.

[Co-host 2]

A lot of things shouldn't be allowed in a movie. But if you're trying to learn moves from all that, like you've that, I mean, come on stuff and her face, that's awful.

[Burt]

I think that's when she wrote the email after that, that final str right there. She must have been like, what are you doing?

[Co-host 2]

Why stop right there and say.

[Burt]

Because now she's between a rock and a hard place at this point.

[Co-host 2]

You can't even be sensitive. She can't talk to her husband about sex.

[Burt]

I'd say 70, probably 75% of couples don't talk to each other about sex. If it's bad because it wasn't.

[Co-host 2]

It is a sensitive time. Well, I think it's so everybody's supposed to be good in bed and then if you feel insecure about it, you don't want to bring it up. If you feel somebody else is insecure, it's just. It's just awkward all around. Therapists in the bedroom.

[Burt]

We have received that advice though before. Like, go ahead, get some porn. Watch it with your man. He'll pick up on some new moves. And he just picked up on the nastiest stuff. He went from like the most remedial moves to the way advanced class. And he's just not ready for that poor little thing.

[Co-host 2]

Well, and her problem was she let him pick it out.

[Burt]

Oh, so she should have picked it out.

[Co-host 2]

She should have picked out the movies because then she could have previewed them for the right moves.

[Burt]

I think she did. The way it was written here, it sounds like she brought it home.

[Co-host 2]

I, I am still stuck on the image of somebody slept in a junkie, previewed it before she showed him what moves to get.

[Burt]

I don't know what the whole technique of the whole thing is. I don't know if you preview to make sure that it's. It's husband appropriate or not.

[Co-host 1]

He needed the introductory videos.

[Co-host 2]

Do you think he's not the advanced.

[Burt]

It could be like, oh,

[Co-host 2]

what are you doing? What are you doing? Sorry. I'm sorry.

[Burt]

She needed like, she needed like two in the morning Cinemax stuff. Not like the hardcore section at Insurrection.

[Co-host 2]

Right.

[Burt]

Where they don't really ever show his junk or anything.

[Co-host 2]

Beginners or whatever. Well, there's another. Call it. I mean, all of that, I think is just kind of. It's funny. I laugh at it more than get ideas from it. But to sleep with a man. That's true. But so funny to you. Ha ha ha. Melissa. I know. Especially they're slapping against your forehead. You're the one stupid. But no, there, there. But there's also those, you know, if you look in any of, you know, like, the karma sutra videos and stuff like that, you know, there's other videos out there that are, I mean, seemingly just as silly, but it's certainly not going to get into crazy, you know, with anything.

[Burt]

With anything. There's like instructional video. You know, you want to play baseball. There's actually an instructor instructional video. You can go out, teaches you how

[Co-host 2]

to hit the karma Sutra. But it's videos and stuff. They are more instructional than the.

[Burt]

Right.

[Co-host 2]

The porn.

[Burt]

And there is some adult film stuff that is 101. Basic cinematics.

[Co-host 2]

101.

[Burt]

Stop. You know, late night stuff.

[Co-host 2]

He couldn't do it from to begin with, and he can't go from not knowing how to do it to advance. That just doesn't work. It's not advanced. It's demeaning.

[Burt]

Yes. I mean, she's kidding me.

[Co-host 2]

Really, really degrading stuff. And now he thinks that she's going to like that. Wham.

[Burt]

Hey, Ryan, hold on for me one second, right? Because I just got to finish this letter.

[Co-host 1]

No problem.

[Burt]

All right. So again, he's slapping parts of his body on my forehead and face that are inappropriate.

[Co-host 2]

I am so uncomfortable with us saying that. Stop saying that.

[Burt]

And she says. And she says. And let's just say he's trying to enter the house through the doors on the back deck. Okay, Now I have no way to reverse this, so I'm just giving a little advice to the Burch show listeners. Be very careful of what you ask for, because you just might get it from angles that you don't think are appropriate. From Lisa in Roswell.

[Co-host 1]

Good morning.

[Burt]

How are you?

[Co-host 1]

Good morning. All right. How are you? Bert show.

[Burt]

Good. What's going on? Thank you.

[Co-host 1]

But, hey, I think, you know, she obviously has a guy who wants to know, who wants to do better. She just should just tell him what she wants. I mean, she doesn't need videos and all that. I mean, that can be fine, but just tell him what. What she wants. Well, you have said that he wants to do better.

[Burt]

You say that. And we've talked about that on the show, but we have never really heard a woman call up and say, this is how I handled it with my husband or my boyfriend who was bad at sex. I talked to him about it, and this is how it ended up successfully for both of us. No one has ever done it. We've tried a dozen times.

[Co-host 2]

It's so. It's such a sensitive topic, especially if it's somebody that you're sleeping with.

[Burt]

You know, that's A guy's ego is wrapped up in all that. You tell him he's bad at that. He's been thinking since day one, he's great. Every guy thinks they're the greatest in the world.

[Co-host 2]

You don't have to say that they're bad. You have to encourage what is good and steer the direction to what is good for you.

[Burt]

Give dudes. Give us the blueprint. Tell us the exact words to use. I don't want to know the situation. Give us the words. Because we would have. I can't think of a scenario where most guys would take it and be okay with it.

[Co-host 2]

Right. There's no way to describe it on the radio. There's gonna get in trouble.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Co-host 2]

I don't think.

[Burt]

Tracy, you're on the voice disguiser.

[Co-host 1]

Hey, good morning, Bird Show.

[Co-host 2]

Good morning.

[Co-host 1]

What she needs to do is get a couple of videos that are put out by Nina Hartley. She is a veteran film star, and she's also a nurse. And she has a series of videos about how to be a good lover. She can pick up one about how to give certain pleasure and how to receive certain pleasure. And she can say to her husband, I want to be the best lover I can for you. Let's watch this together, and then we can watch this other one. They're great videos. They're very erotic. I mean, you always get you in the mood, but you learn a lot of things, too, without the slapping in the back door and all that kind of stuff.

[Burt]

Okay, so there are two of these videos. One is for a guy.

[Co-host 1]

There's more than two. I mean, she has a whole bunch of them that are act specific or just how to be in general, how to be a good lover, how to give certain things. You know what I mean? How to receive certain things. You know, like, if you want to switch that around, you can. You know, I mean, it can get interesting. Some pretty advanced kind of stuff, but I think they need to start at the basic level.

[Burt]

Okay. Nina Hartley.

[Co-host 1]

Nina Hartley. Yeah.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Co-host 2]

It's a great idea.

[Burt]

And here's Melissa on the voice disguiser. Good morning, Melissa.

[Co-host 1]

Yes.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Co-host 1]

Hi. I can feel her pain, guys. I have the exact same situation. P.S. i tried the Kama Sutra. We tried Time Life videos. We tried everything. And I can't talk to you any about it either because it gets very sensitive about it, shall we say.

[Co-host 2]

Did y' all wait to do that until after you got married?

[Co-host 1]

Well, I was a virgin when I got married to him, and he had only done it with one other person of the professional nature, but, you know.

[Co-host 2]

And a professional.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah. I didn't think about it at the time. I just kind of thought that we could both figure it out ourselves.

[Co-host 2]

Okay.

[Burt]

And he hasn't been able to figure it out. And how long are we going on now?

[Co-host 1]

12 years. Yeah. So any advice you could throw out there for her or me would be great because it's. It's very difficult, especially after 12 years. And you start thinking of going in the other direction, which is definitely something you don't want to do.

[Burt]

So you don't know how it could. How good it can be. You just know how bad it is.

[Co-host 1]

Right.

[Burt]

Got you.

[Co-host 2]

Okay.

[Burt]

All right. We're going to try to get you some help here.

[Co-host 1]

Thanks.

[Burt]

Thank you.

[Co-host 1]

That's bad.

[Co-host 2]

That's real bad.

[Burt]

I'm still looking for the calls that have had the talk with their husband that would be radio friendly, that have worked out successfully. Jamie says she can pull it off.

[Co-host 2]

Okay.

[Burt]

Good morning, Jamie.

[Co-host 1]

Hi.

[Burt]

Hey. So we get this email from a Birchill listener that says that she heard on our show that if your husband or boyfriend's bad in bed, then go out, get yourself some adult films and have him watch them and he'll learn a couple of moves. The bad part here is that her husband learned all the most graphic and nasty stuff in the adult films, and he's using it on her and he doesn't know what he's doing. And it's demeaning.

[Co-host 1]

Right. Well, my husband and I are working on 20 years. We have three kids. And after a period of time, your bodies change, so what used to work for you stops working and you have to find something else. And the movie thing is a great idea, but she should have watched them first and she should have started off first. Very simple. She should have started off with like one of those 30 minute from tantra or some company like that. That's just a simple, almost back to basics, how to have basic sex videos. It's how to touch your partner in certain ways. I can't really get very descriptive because it does get kind of graphic.

[Burt]

Thank you for that.

[Co-host 1]

There are basic videos out there that show how to touch certain body parts and what body part to use, not smacking people in the face with things. And you start out simple. You bring in tools, you bring in like food items and different. Change the venue. Instead of just always having it in one place, move it to some other part of your house. And then after you do that a while, you can start building and getting into the more graphic videos.

[Burt]

So that's the suggestion you made initially to Jen is that she went for the nasty section when she could have gone for the basic one on one section.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, I think she needed to start off a little slower and preview it, you know, I don't know, I just think that there's some. Some of that stuff that can be really gross and dangerous.

[Burt]

Hey, Sandra, Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Co-host 1]

Good morning. How are you?

[Burt]

Good, how are you?

[Co-host 1]

I'm good. I just wanted to say that I've successfully been able to tell my boyfriend, well, my ex boyfriend, I was 18 at the time and watching, you know, I learned from my mother at a very young age that tell him what you want in the bedroom right off the bat. So it's very easy. He wasn't that great, kind of awkward. But I told, I told him to just read, go online, read some stuff and not watch pornography because that's the wrong way to go. It's the messy way to go. And sorry. And I just felt that was the best way. And he actually improved over time.

[Burt]

Yeah. I think at the core, like every dude wants to be great, you know, but listening to the words that were not would be initially that would hurt. It would really hurt. But I think eventually we'd get to a place where we want to be with you. You know what I'm saying?

[Co-host 2]

I always think there's room for improvement. I do. I always think that there's room for improvement. I don't think it's. I'm not a believer of. It's. As long as there's chemistry there, you can, you can change, you know, the way you play the game and. Yeah. And what used to work on one person doesn't work on the next. You know, every couple is unique.

[Burt]

Right.

[Co-host 2]

You know, and that means the guy and the girl are gonna have unique things and you know, differences about them and what they like and what they don't like too. And I think overall as an advice for guys, it's just slow down. Yeah. And I mean that is never going to be bad. Right. And I think that's why you asking me, it's just looking right at Burt when she said that. But I mean, like. But I mean, there's so many factors that goes into it, because not two. Two sessions are going to be the same, because you're not going to feel the same. You're not going to be in the same mood. Exactly. So I think that people get so discouraged so easily when. You know what? Okay, that was a. You know, that was a bad game that you just played. Well, you got another game coming up this weekend. You know, play completely differently. It's going to be fine.

[Burt]

All right. A sports analogy.

[Co-host 2]

Now I get it.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Co-host 2]

So you could win your game this weekend. Forget loss last weekend, but forget it. Right. You're gonna win this weekend. Yeah.

[Burt]

Now I get it. Hey, Diane. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Co-host 1]

Hello.

[Burt]

Hello.

[Co-host 1]

Hey. I just wanted to tell you guys about a book called Hot Monogamy. And it just, you know, like the quote on the back, it says, if anyone wants to improve their sexual relationship, this is the book to read. And it really teaches you how to talk about. About sex and how, like you said, so many couples don't, which is really the key. You got to be able to tell them what you want and what you like and what you don't like.

[Burt]

All right? So if you want real concrete data, like hard data, she says hot monogamy. And the other one we heard was Nina Hartley. Okay, but don't go to the advanced section at Insurrection. He's not ready for that. Or she's not ready for that.

[Co-host 2]

No, that's snow. Keep the forehead out of it. Yeah, it looks like the woman. Guess what? If it looks like the woman's not having fun on the video. She's not.

[Burt]

Well, that's. That's the thing, is that they never. They always look like they're having a great time. We should sue the industry. I've never watched one where the woman is like, no, don't do that.

[Co-host 2]

I. Yeah, I think it's funny. I. I just. I tend to just laugh out loud.

[Burt]

I gotta be honest, Like Shen said, you think it's funny because you're not having sex with a man.

[Co-host 2]

Even the two girl ones are silly. Whatever.

[Burt]

You take that back.

[Co-host 2]

Here.

[Burt]

Virtue.