Vault: Listeners Call And Give Us Their Best Sick Call Ins

Summary

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The Bert Show Vault Episode: Listeners Call And Give Us Their Best Sick Call Ins

Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast Featured: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and listeners

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Episode Overview

This lively and funny episode takes a deep dive into the world of “calling in sick”—focusing on the art, strategy, and hilarity of faking (or even genuinely making) those dreaded work calls. With both cast and listeners contributing their stories, advice, and sample scripts, the episode offers an authentic, behind-the-scenes look at sick day etiquette and confessions, all in The Bert Show’s signature real and relatable tone.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. The December Sick Call Surge

• [01:14] Bert opens with a statistic from Monster.com, highlighting that December is the most popular month for sick days, often for reasons unrelated to illness.
• [01:18] "One in three workers has called in sick when they're not in the past year." — Bert
• [01:31] Kristin chimes in on the pressure to sound "sick enough," even when you're legitimately unwell.

2. Acting Sick: The Performer's Dilemma

• [01:40] Bert posits that calling in sick, especially faking, is tough because “you don’t get rehearsal time”—even the best actors rehearse, so why not you?
• [02:27] Advice: Practice your call in your head first, and ideally, "call as soon as you wake up" to use that groggy morning voice for authenticity.
  • "If you use your voice too much in practicing, you're going to ruin it." — Kristin [02:57]
• [03:11] Kristin recounts an awkward real sick call: "I know I don’t sound sick." The group discusses the awkwardness of non-obvious illnesses like back pain.

3. Crafting Believable Excuses

• [04:22] Tips and cautionary tales:
  • Don’t forget your excuse—if you fake a back injury, don’t get caught roughhousing at work.
  • Too much detail or overexplaining can make your story less believable.
• [04:42] Excuses people commonly use: recovery from holiday parties or needing time to buy gifts.

4. Listener Call-ins: Rehearsing Sick Calls Live

Jennifer’s Congested Call

• [05:08] Jennifer calls in suggesting the “plug your nose” trick for sounding stuffed up, but the cast mostly finds it unconvincing after hearing her demonstration.
  • "If I was this plugged, I'd blow my nose." — Kristin [06:35]
• [06:47] Sasha offers two tried-and-true sick call styles based on her boss’s gender: “girl stuff” (cramps) for male bosses, and “food poisoning” for the rest.
  • "My boss is a guy, so he just doesn't want to hear it. He's like, okay, go to bed." — Sasha [06:56]
  • "If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn't want to get into it, so he'll get you off the phone as quick as possible." — Bert [07:23]

Coughing as Performance Art

• [09:29] Sarah gives an Oscar-worthy performance: heavy fake coughs, a scratchy voice, and almost crying for effect.
  • "Do three really heavy coughs...makes it sound like you're really, really sick." — Sarah [09:35]
  • "That's Academy Award winner right there." — Bert [10:34]
  • "Oscar winning, my friend." — Abby [10:22]

The “Honesty” Debate: Is the Truth Best?

• [10:56] Jamie struggles with wanting to attend her 21st birthday party vs. being scheduled for a busy shift at a restaurant.
  • The hosts advise that with major, once-in-a-lifetime events, honesty is the best policy.
  • "I'd be more angry at them if they waited till Saturday to call in and made my life harder..." — Kristin [13:08]
  • "If it's like, 21st birthday...you gotta be cool about it." — Kristin [13:29]

A Supervisor’s Perspective

• [13:40] April, who receives sick calls as a supervisor, advises workers to “remember their disorder.” She describes catching workers tripping over their fake ailments, like curing "pink eye" overnight.
  • “Know your illness and use the props.” — Abby [14:18]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Preparation:
  “Even the best actors in Hollywood rehearse... We could change that for you if you guys want to call us right now...call in sick to us, right? We will work with you.”
  — Bert [01:40]

• On Overacting:
  “If you use your voice too much in practicing, you’re going to ruin it.”
  — Kristin [02:57]

• On TMI Excuses:
  “If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t want to get into it, so he’ll get you off the phone as quick as possible.”
  — Bert [07:23]

• On Accepting the Truth:
  “Honestly, I won’t be here on Saturday. And I hope you can understand. I turn 21 once.”
  — Jamie [12:16]

• On Supervisor Savvy:
  “Know your illness and use the props.”
  — Abby [14:18]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:14] — Most common month for sick calls and why
• [02:27] — Morning voice tip and rehearsal advice
• [03:11] — The struggle to sound sick with non-obvious illnesses
• [04:42] — Holiday parties and shopping as hidden reasons for sick calls
• [05:08] — Listener “nose plug” rehearsal
• [06:47] — Two classic excuses: cramps and food poisoning
• [09:29] — Oscar-worthy cough performance
• [10:56] — The 21st birthday honesty dilemma
• [13:40] — Supervisor's side: catching the fakers

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Episode Tone

• Lighthearted, irreverent, and playful, with the hosts joking and riffing off of one another
• Direct, honest, and community-focused—listeners and cast are equals in the conversation
• Real-world wisdom and plenty of relatable workplace humor

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Conclusion

This episode showcases The Bert Show's signature mix of relatability, wisdom, and humor, as hosts and listeners reveal the truth behind the nation’s sick call culture. Through listener call-ins, practical advice, and a healthy dash of improvisational fun, the cast illuminates both the strategy and the comedy of trying to stay home without getting caught. Whether you're plotting your next "sick day" or reminiscing about past bluffs, this episode entertains and assures you're not alone in your creative excuses.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Listen, it's the Birch Show.

[D]

So I'm reading this survey from. Is it monster.com?

[E]

Yeah, the one about how this is the most called in sick month of the year.

[D]

One in three workers has called in sick when they're not in the past year. And over the next couple of weeks, people will call in at a higher rate, call in sick at a higher rate than they did the entire year.

[E]

This is the most. Most people take sick days in the month of December than anywhere else. And it doesn't always have to do with being ill.

[D]

The problem with this is that when you call in sick is that you don't have any rehearsal time, right? Like, even the best actors in Hollywood rehearse or when they're doing a TV show, everybody sits around a table and they read over the script, they work on each other and before the cameras start to roll. So we're assuming that you guys are just gonna call in sick cold turkey without any kind of rehearsal time at all. We could change that for you if you guys want to call us right now. 400-474-11005. You call in sick to us, right? We will work with you. We will tell you how it sounds. If it's believable or not before you make the call to your boss.

[F]

Right.

[G]

I've never done.

[F]

I've never done that. So I don't know. I don't know what advice I give you.

[G]

Always practice it in your mind.

[F]

Well, for me, it would be in my mind first, because I think if you use your voice too much, if you're doing it first thing in the morning, then if you use your voice too much, you've cleared it up, and so you don't sound sick. But in my mind, that you have to wait to speak first in giving your call because you have to sound sick. And anybody who first wakes up and then when you're first talking, you do still seem groggy and a little stuffed up and everything. And that's usually, to me, when I've actually spoken the words, that's the best time to call.

[D]

You say as soon as you wake up.

[F]

As soon as you wake up, because it's almost. Number one is the first time you realized how sick you were. So, you know, it seems authentic. Then you're using the groggly voice. It seems authentic. Yeah. If you use your voice too much in practicing, you're gonna ruin it.

[D]

404, 741, 1005.

[E]

I'll feel pressure, even if I'm legitimately sick, that I don't sound sick enough. And one of the hardest was when I had to call Bert when I pulled that muscle in my back. And I didn't say. I was like, hey, so I'm probably gonna be a little bit late today. He's like, okay. And I'm like, so I know I don't sound sick.

[D]

Like, it was like, you know, like this back pain. And how does that print?

[E]

Right? So, like, I'm lying on the floor, you know, like. But I'm like, I felt like I should be coughing or something, but it had nothing. One had nothing to do with the other.

[G]

You know, that might actually be a good excuse.

[D]

It's a great excuse.

[G]

You know, you don't have to sound. Because you don't have to sound sick.

[D]

But you can't sound a little bit like you're in pain, though. He had no. Zero pain. Like, zero.

[G]

It's just so random that somebody would buy it.

[E]

But the problem with that is with anything like that is. I mean, like, Jessica got me a doctor appointment, like, that day and everything. And if you remember, like, I had to spend the next week with a heating pad or some crap like that.

[G]

So bring a heating pad to work.

[H]

That's Easy.

[E]

Unless you're prepared to do that. Like, you can never forget. You know what I mean? Like, if you're gonna fake a back injury two days later, you can't be playing Frisbee in the hall.

[D]

Right?

[E]

You know what I mean? Like, you can't forget.

[F]

I mean, so many play Frisbee in the hall.

[D]

There are plenty of opportunities that you're going to have. Like, you're probably circling the days right now on your calendar. Like, you know, the holiday that you have a holiday party on Thursday night, and you know it's going to go late, and you're going to have to go into work on Friday. So you're probably already thinking, I'm going to call in sick.

[F]

Or then, I mean, there's a lot of people, I'm sure, that call in sick because they have no other times to buy gifts for people, especially their family. If the only time, you know, only time you have a chance to is on the weekends when you're with your family. And it's already crowded at the malls. So I can see a ton of people calling sick because they want that Thursday off so that they can go shopping.

[D]

You got the too much detail thing going on also. Like, if you give out too many details, you start stuttering. You bury yourself. Morning, Q100.

[I]

Hi, my name is Jennifer, and I was calling in about the tips for calling in sick.

[D]

Okay, Jennifer, now, do you already know which day over the next couple of weeks that you have planned to call in sick?

[I]

Oh, well, I can't call in sick. I'm in retail.

[D]

Okay.

[I]

This is our busy season.

[E]

Well, this is perfect time for you to call in sick like you need to.

[I]

Yeah, well, my uncle is my boss, so if I call him sick, I might lose my job.

[E]

He can't pull the. My aunt died.

[H]

Excuse me.

[D]

News to him.

[E]

Yeah, that's kind of a challenge.

[D]

So what is your tip?

[I]

Well, if you ever want to call in sick, hold your nose. If you plug your nose up, then you sound really congested, and I find that that really helps. Especially when you had mentioned earlier calling first thing in the morning when you're still kind of groggy and they just hold your nose.

[D]

Will you try it on us so we can hear if it really sounds authentic or not?

[I]

Oh, sure.

[D]

Okay.

[I]

Good morning, man. How you doing this morning? Not feeling too well. My sinuses are killing me. I think I got a little bit of a fever, and I just don't know if I'm gonna make it in today.

[G]

It's not bad.

[E]

Yeah, I wasn't buying.

[F]

Well, try it. Try it with one nostril.

[I]

Well, I'm driving.

[F]

Oh, okay. All right.

[D]

See, I would say your sinuses might feel a lot better if you took your fingers off your nose.

[F]

Because I just. Yeah, I don't know.

[E]

I just think it sounds so fake.

[F]

I don't know if I ever sound like that.

[E]

Like, I don't think people legitimately ever sound like this. If I was this plugged, I'd blow my nose.

[G]

I think it's actually a pretty good idea.

[E]

Really?

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

Sasha.

[I]

Yes.

[D]

This is rehearsal time for you here. Like. Like I said, like, even actors and actresses, they just don't go right on camera and start acting.

[E]

Of course not.

[I]

It's just true.

[D]

You need some rehearsal time.

[I]

I do. And my tip for calling in is not to do that whole, like, rehearse 50 times before you call your boss trying to sound sick. I just like to sound. This is going to sound gross, but every time. Well, I actually have two ways to call in. It's either, oh, I'm feeling bad. I'm having really bad menstrual cramps. Yada, yada, girl stuff. My. My boss is a guy, so he just doesn't want to hear it. He's like, okay, go to bed. Or I just say that I went to a Mexican restaurant the night before and I couldn't stop pooping.

[D]

You know what? That is actually one of the tips that I saw on one of these lists. Like, if you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn't want to get into it, so he'll get you off the phone as quick as possible.

[I]

Exactly. That's the truth. He's like, oh, God, you know, I don't want to hear about that.

[E]

Pretending that Melissa Carter is your boss. We'll throw you a curve here. You now have a female boss. Let's hear you call and say Sasha.

[I]

Okay, well, if I did have a female boss, I would just use the. I was up pooping all night. Excuse me.

[E]

Well, let's hear it.

[D]

Let's hear it.

[E]

Let's hear it. Melissa's your boss. And the phone is ringing. And Melissa just answered.

[D]

And roll.

[I]

Hey, Melissa, I'm really sorry to be calling in today. I. I was at a restaurant last night, and I must have eaten something really bad. It was a Mexican restaurant down in, you know, down in downtown Dallas. It was one of the new ones, and I don't know what I ate. I guess it was the chicken. I was just up all night, right. Crapping my brains out. No, I'm just kidding. I wouldn't say that. But I was up all night, you know, I just. My stomach wouldn't stop rolling, and I woke up this morning hoping it was, you know, gone, and it wasn't. And I just really don't feel like coming into the office and dealing with that. And I'm really sorry.

[F]

Well, it's funny how Cindy just came in and said that she saw you last night out at Park Tavern.

[G]

Yeah, I don't.

[D]

I mean, what do you say to that?

[F]

You can't. Yeah, because it's kind of like with the back thing. You don't sound sick when you talk. You know, I would much rather somebody use the excuse of pooping, though, than the menstrual cycle, because, I mean, you know, I think that's.

[D]

Well, it'll work with a guy. Like, if you're calling in and you're a woman. Guys, I want to talk about that. You don't have any idea, so we'll get you off the phone quick.

[G]

I don't want to think about you bleeding the right.

[F]

A lot.

[G]

I just.

[F]

I left because I actually was having.

[G]

Problems one day, and I called Dylan.

[F]

And I was like, dude, I'm really.

[G]

Sorry, but I'm just having these. And I started to explain, and he.

[F]

Was like, it's just.

[H]

Don't come.

[F]

Just.

[G]

I don't care.

[H]

Don't.

[G]

Just don't come.

[H]

He.

[F]

We wanted to hear nothing about nothing.

[G]

Just stay home.

[D]

You can always use the. I got kneed in the forehead by a horse. Yeah, Jamie used a couple of weeks ago.

[E]

That one works for at least a.

[A]

Day and a half.

[F]

Yeah, that's awesome.

[D]

Hey, Sarah, you're on Q100. What's going on?

[I]

Hey. Nothing much.

[D]

All right, let's practice on us. Don't go cold. I mean, actors don't do it, so why should you?

[I]

Oh, yeah, well, I'm a pro, so I'm good with that. So what I find is, of course, doing it when you first wake up. But if you, like, do three really heavy coughs and making your throat all itchy and scratchy and it makes it sound like you're really, really s. Okay, do them.

[E]

So how would this sound?

[I]

Okay. You really want me to cough?

[E]

Jen Hobby will. Jen Hobby playing the role of your immediate supervisor.

[I]

All right, hold on. It helps when you're coughing on the phone. Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got this nasty cold and I'm running 102 fever. Sorry. Oh, I just don't think I can come and stay and if they make you make it sound like you're gonna cry, that helps too.

[D]

That's pretty good.

[E]

That was a really good one.

[G]

Oscar winning, my friend.

[H]

Oscar.

[D]

You definitely have something stuck in your throat right now, though.

[I]

I know, but I think that's good.

[G]

The forced three coughs and the almost cry.

[D]

Yeah, very good, man.

[G]

That's a clincher.

[D]

That's Academy Award winner right there.

[E]

Well done.

[I]

Thank you very much, guys. Have a great night.

[E]

Have a great day.

[D]

I gotta get through the morning first.

[F]

Have a crappy day, but by the time the sun goes down, you have a good time.

[E]

Yeah. By the time you guys go to bed, enjoy it.

[F]

She sounds like that. Cause she's been partying, partying all night, smoking cigarettes.

[D]

That's why our voice is as jacked as it is.

[I]

Have a good night.

[D]

Jamie, good morning. You're on Q100.

[I]

Okay, well, I'm kind of in a pickle. My work knows that I am. My 21st birthday's on Friday. They know that I'm taking off on Friday. I had Saturday scheduled off. But they're like, we really need you to come in. It's going to be one of the busiest days of the year. Blah, blah. So I got suckered into it. But I know that I'm not going to be able to go in Saturday because I know there's a party for me that I really want to go to, but if I'm working, I can't get to it.

[D]

You can stop there. There is nothing that you can say. There is no way to call in without. I mean, even if you really were sick, I mean, let's say you just had it coming out, all sorts of hands. I mean, it was terrible. There is no way that they're not gonna believe you're calling in sick and you're faking it.

[I]

I know I'm usually really good at it. I can usually come up with some real legitimate. They're like, okay. Because I have all guy bosses and I use the whole. Oh, God, my cramps are so bad. Okay, whatever. Don't come in.

[F]

Well, what do you do? Are you in retail?

[I]

No, I work in a restaurant.

[F]

In a restaurant. Well, still I. Because I'm also thinking of the co workers. Because if, you know, you're not coming in adds extra work or has somebody else be, you know, to have. Be called in. It's one thing if you're sick, and if it's a random day and everybody's like, oh, well, that's cool. She's sick. She can't help it, but everybody in that restaurant knows it's your birthday.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Everybody knows that if they have to do extra work because you decide to call in on Saturday, that it's not going to be worth the, you know, the animosity that's going to be created.

[E]

I think you just have to be honest. You have to go to your boss and go, look, dude, it's my 21st birthday Friday night. I know my friends are planning on taking me out. I'm just going to be honest with you. I won't be here on Saturday. And I hope you can understand. I turned 21 once.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

I'm not going to be at a waitress at Applebee's in 10 years.

[D]

Yeah. There's nothing you can do. Nothing you can do.

[F]

And I think that way, at least if you call ahead, then they can go ahead and schedule somebody else, and nobody's going to be called in on Saturday morning.

[I]

Yeah, I think about bribing some of the other servers and just be like, so I'll give you 20 bucks if you just work for me on Saturday.

[D]

Definitely.

[F]

Yeah, absolutely.

[G]

Would you guys even buy it, though, if somebody called you with that honest excuse, Would you be like, okay, or would you be mad and fire them?

[E]

No, I think if somebody was truly honest and it was something like once in their lifetime, like their 21st birthday, I think I personally would cut him some slack. But if it was just like, I'd.

[F]

Be more angry at them if they waited till Saturday to call in and made my life harder to try to. To call, you know, other people in to help out, I. I'd fire him on Saturday.

[E]

If there was a. If there was. It was just a random, huge party, then I'd have an issue. But if it's like, 21st birthday, I mean, if you're. If you're are a manager of a food service establishment.

[G]

Right.

[E]

You know that you don't have a lot of career waiters and waitresses on hand. Like, the people are living their own lives and making money from you while they can, so you got to be cool about it.

[D]

Hey, april, you're on Q100.

[I]

Hey, guys. Actually, I just wanted to call on the supervisor. I'm the person that receives those calls, and I just wanted to remind them to remember their disorder, because I had a girl yesterday call me and tell me that she had pink eye. And she came to work today and she was fine. That right there was just the ultimate.

[E]

Well, maybe she didn't have pink eye. Maybe she had some weird disease and Dr. House was able to solve it.

[I]

You really have an issue and you don't want to come in like a your 21st birthday. You can call me and tell me that. Don't call me 30 minutes before you got to come. Come to work and tell me, hey, I got pink eye all of a sudden, Right.

[D]

Well, modern medicine, I clear that conjunctivitis up in 24.

[F]

It's like Jeff said, like. Yeah. If you have a back ache, then you're gonna have to take the heating pad in with you the next day. Know. Yeah. Know your illness and use the props.

[E]

Especially if you work with somebody like Burton and you go, so you went to the doctor for your back, huh? Can you use all those pills?

[C]

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[H]

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[C]

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[H]

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[D]

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[H]

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[C]

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[H]

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[D]

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[H]

No, not a tour bus. It's a regular car we use to deliver and set up customers phones at home or work.

[D]

Are you a groupie on this tour?

[H]

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[D]

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[H]

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[D]

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[A]

Com.