The Bert Show Vault Episode: Listeners Call And Give Us Their Best Sick Call Ins

Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)
Cast Featured: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and listeners

Episode Overview

This lively and funny episode takes a deep dive into the world of “calling in sick”—focusing on the art, strategy, and hilarity of faking (or even genuinely making) those dreaded work calls. With both cast and listeners contributing their stories, advice, and sample scripts, the episode offers an authentic, behind-the-scenes look at sick day etiquette and confessions, all in The Bert Show’s signature real and relatable tone.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. The December Sick Call Surge

• [01:14] Bert opens with a statistic from Monster.com, highlighting that December is the most popular month for sick days, often for reasons unrelated to illness.
• [01:18] "One in three workers has called in sick when they're not in the past year." — Bert
• [01:31] Kristin chimes in on the pressure to sound "sick enough," even when you're legitimately unwell.

2. Acting Sick: The Performer's Dilemma

• [01:40] Bert posits that calling in sick, especially faking, is tough because “you don’t get rehearsal time”—even the best actors rehearse, so why not you?
• [02:27] Advice: Practice your call in your head first, and ideally, "call as soon as you wake up" to use that groggy morning voice for authenticity.
  • "If you use your voice too much in practicing, you're going to ruin it." — Kristin [02:57]
• [03:11] Kristin recounts an awkward real sick call: "I know I don’t sound sick." The group discusses the awkwardness of non-obvious illnesses like back pain.

3. Crafting Believable Excuses

• [04:22] Tips and cautionary tales:
  • Don’t forget your excuse—if you fake a back injury, don’t get caught roughhousing at work.
  • Too much detail or overexplaining can make your story less believable.
• [04:42] Excuses people commonly use: recovery from holiday parties or needing time to buy gifts.

4. Listener Call-ins: Rehearsing Sick Calls Live

Jennifer’s Congested Call

• [05:08] Jennifer calls in suggesting the “plug your nose” trick for sounding stuffed up, but the cast mostly finds it unconvincing after hearing her demonstration.
  • "If I was this plugged, I'd blow my nose." — Kristin [06:35]
• [06:47] Sasha offers two tried-and-true sick call styles based on her boss’s gender: “girl stuff” (cramps) for male bosses, and “food poisoning” for the rest.
  • "My boss is a guy, so he just doesn't want to hear it. He's like, okay, go to bed." — Sasha [06:56]
  • "If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn't want to get into it, so he'll get you off the phone as quick as possible." — Bert [07:23]

Coughing as Performance Art

• [09:29] Sarah gives an Oscar-worthy performance: heavy fake coughs, a scratchy voice, and almost crying for effect.
  • "Do three really heavy coughs...makes it sound like you're really, really sick." — Sarah [09:35]
  • "That's Academy Award winner right there." — Bert [10:34]
  • "Oscar winning, my friend." — Abby [10:22]

The “Honesty” Debate: Is the Truth Best?

• [10:56] Jamie struggles with wanting to attend her 21st birthday party vs. being scheduled for a busy shift at a restaurant.
  • The hosts advise that with major, once-in-a-lifetime events, honesty is the best policy.
  • "I'd be more angry at them if they waited till Saturday to call in and made my life harder..." — Kristin [13:08]
  • "If it's like, 21st birthday...you gotta be cool about it." — Kristin [13:29]

A Supervisor’s Perspective

• [13:40] April, who receives sick calls as a supervisor, advises workers to “remember their disorder.” She describes catching workers tripping over their fake ailments, like curing "pink eye" overnight.
  • “Know your illness and use the props.” — Abby [14:18]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Preparation:
  “Even the best actors in Hollywood rehearse... We could change that for you if you guys want to call us right now...call in sick to us, right? We will work with you.”
  — Bert [01:40]

• On Overacting:
  “If you use your voice too much in practicing, you’re going to ruin it.”
  — Kristin [02:57]

• On TMI Excuses:
  “If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t want to get into it, so he’ll get you off the phone as quick as possible.”
  — Bert [07:23]

• On Accepting the Truth:
  “Honestly, I won’t be here on Saturday. And I hope you can understand. I turn 21 once.”
  — Jamie [12:16]

• On Supervisor Savvy:
  “Know your illness and use the props.”
  — Abby [14:18]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:14] — Most common month for sick calls and why
• [02:27] — Morning voice tip and rehearsal advice
• [03:11] — The struggle to sound sick with non-obvious illnesses
• [04:42] — Holiday parties and shopping as hidden reasons for sick calls
• [05:08] — Listener “nose plug” rehearsal
• [06:47] — Two classic excuses: cramps and food poisoning
• [09:29] — Oscar-worthy cough performance
• [10:56] — The 21st birthday honesty dilemma
• [13:40] — Supervisor's side: catching the fakers

Episode Tone

• Lighthearted, irreverent, and playful, with the hosts joking and riffing off of one another
• Direct, honest, and community-focused—listeners and cast are equals in the conversation
• Real-world wisdom and plenty of relatable workplace humor

Conclusion

This episode showcases The Bert Show's signature mix of relatability, wisdom, and humor, as hosts and listeners reveal the truth behind the nation’s sick call culture. Through listener call-ins, practical advice, and a healthy dash of improvisational fun, the cast illuminates both the strategy and the comedy of trying to stay home without getting caught. Whether you're plotting your next "sick day" or reminiscing about past bluffs, this episode entertains and assures you're not alone in your creative excuses.