Vault: Listeners Call In With Their Messiest Mom and Dad Moments

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Listeners Call In With Their Messiest Mom and Dad Moments
Date: April 9, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Tracy, Jeff, Ella, Marlo, Jennifer, Dina

Episode Overview

This episode brings together The Bert Show team and their listeners to share and dissect the “messiest” parenting moments. With Producer Tracy on the cusp of becoming a parent for the first time, the hosts invite listeners to call in with their most challenging or embarrassing “mom and dad moments,” discuss real-life parenting dilemmas, and crowdsource practical advice for these all-too-relatable situations. Expect candid stories, genuine anxieties, and plenty of humor as the cast and callers dive into pacifier weaning, kid leashes, and cursing toddlers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Producer Tracy’s Countdown to Motherhood

• Tracy openly shares her anxiety about her impending due date and the unpredictability of childbirth.
  • "I just realized I have to do it myself now." – Tracy (03:56)
• The cast jokes about how parenting is impossible to plan and every new parent faces a steep on-the-job learning curve.

Memorable Moment:

• Tracy admits to preferring to return children to their parents when things get tough, now realizing it's her turn to take charge.

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Listener Call-In: Pacifier Weaning Dilemmas (05:05–08:48)

Guest: Jennifer

• Challenge: Jennifer's daughter was “glued” to her pacifier until age three, and nothing seemed to work to break the habit.
• Tracy admits she’s only tried secondhand solutions and hasn't figured out what she’d actually do as a parent.

Possible Solutions Explored

• Tracy shares her sister-in-law’s idea of mailing the pacifier to Santa Claus as a symbolic trade for new toys (06:01).
• Jennifer describes her own solution: "accidentally" dropping the pacifier out the car window to force the issue.
  • "I had her take her pacifier...we cracked the window...and I accidentally dropped it out the window." – Jennifer (07:07)
• The team reacts with shock, humor, and other inventive ideas (like planting the pacifier and letting it “grow” into a flower).

Notable Quotes

• "I've never heard of that way." – Bert (08:08)

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The Leash Controversy: Keeping Kids Safe in Public (09:05–11:34)

Guest: Dina

• Situation: Dina’s daughter was nearly lost in a mall, leading her to try a child harness/leash—something she had previously judged other parents for.
  • "Before you become a mom, you see people with different things and you think, that is horrible...But then when something like that happens..." – Dina (10:06)
• Tracy and Jeff discuss the practicality of leashes in very crowded situations, despite the social stigma.
• Jeff shares a story about seeing a homemade harness that took practicality to an extreme.

Notable Quotes

• "With a child in the mall, you can't keep them in the stroller all the time...so when she'd get whatever, you know, for 15 or 20 minutes, we'd put it on her." – Dina (10:07)
• "It just looks so odd to me..." – Bert (10:48)

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Swearing Toddlers: How to Handle “Bad Word” Phases (11:41–15:18)

Guest: Marlo

• Situation: After watching Happy Gilmore, Marlo’s young children repeatedly used inappropriate language, which she desperately wanted to curb before visiting extended family.
• Tracy suggests not reacting with amusement to kids swearing to avoid reinforcing the behavior.
• Marlo’s unconventional but effective solution: “bad word time.” She makes a game out of letting the boys say all their bad words in the car, with clear time-boundaries and off-limit words:
  • "I let my kids have bad word time in the car...We're going to get all the bad words out of your system." – Marlo (13:20)
  • She credits this with helping her eldest (now almost 13) never swear inappropriately.

Notable Quotes

• "You want your kids to be able to be everything at home with you. You want to see all their ugly. Do you know what I'm saying? I think it's brilliant." – Marlo (14:12)
• "I’m gonna guess that Tracy will not allow cussing around Ella at any time, even in three months.” – Jeff (15:11)

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Segment Timestamps for Easy Navigation

• [02:10–04:50] – Tracy’s pregnancy anxieties and the cast’s advice on preparing for unpredictability
• [05:05–08:48] – Pacifier weaning: creative and controversial crowd-sourced solutions
• [09:05–11:34] – Lost-in-the-mall: The leash debate and shifting perspectives as a parent
• [11:41–15:18] – "Bad word" dilemma: Should you ignore, punish, or schedule “bad word time”?

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Noteworthy Quotes & Moments

• "The goal really is to get them out of the house and get them to 18 or 19 before they need therapy." – Bert (04:43)
• "I just realized I have to do it myself now." – Tracy (03:56)
• "Before you become a mom, you see people with different things and you think, that is horrible. I would never do that...but then when something like that happens..." – Dina (10:06)
• "I let my kids have bad word time in the car....We're going to get all the bad words out of your system." – Marlo (13:20)

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode balances laughter and raw honesty, making light of universal parental anxieties while providing genuinely helpful advice. From “losing” pacifiers to child leashes and creative cursing solutions, the show affirms that parenthood is messy, improvisational, and ultimately about surviving—and laughing at—the tough moments together.

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Missed the episode? This summary has captured all the important takeaways, parenting hacks, and relatable confessions—minus the ads and off-topic banter.

Transcript

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[Bert]

Visit borhurst.com the Bird show hi producer Tracy here. We've done this before and we have got to do this a lot over the next week because frankly, this is not going to go all week.

[Tracy]

I hope not.

[Jeff]

Why do you guys say that? She's not due until June. It's three weeks.

[Tracy]

I hope I'm not going. 40 weeks. I actually woke up cranky this morning. Cause for whatever reason in my head, this has to happen on a weekend. So the fact that it didn't happen this weekend made me think, well, I have to wait till next weekend, and if it doesn't happen next week and I have to wait till the following one.

[Ella]

You're in such work mode.

[Tracy]

I know.

[Bert]

I love her.

[Jeff]

Why does it have to happen on a weekend?

[Tracy]

Because there's just a weird way my head was thinking about it, and it just dawned on me as I was walking down the hall. You know, you could go into labor at any point.

[Jeff]

You know, actually, you don't want to deliver a baby on the weekend.

[Producer Tracy]

Why?

[Jeff]

Because the hospital, that's when accidents and stuff happen. So if you. More accidents and injuries and stuff like that. So if you have to go to the hospital for anything elective, you want to do it like on Tuesday or Wednesday, because those are the days the least accident y days. And that's when it's the safest to go to the hospital.

[Tracy]

I just told you that. I know. I just realized that I can't plan this, and now you're telling me.

[Jeff]

But I mean, any day is good. Yeah, any day.

[Bert]

It's on your schedule. Trace. Here's what we need to do for Trace. If you're a parent right now, if you're a parent right now, 404741, Q100. Because we need to get her some practical parenting advice. So here's how we like to handle this. If you've had a situation with an infant or a toddler and you've worked through the problem, you know the answer. You know how your whole family went through it and it worked out great, then give us a call right now. 404-741-Q100. You tell us exactly what was going on in the house and the problem that you had. Don't tell us immediately how you fixed it. Tracy here is going to tell you how she would handle it, because a couple of weeks ago, she realized she's got. She's never had to do any of this. Nothing.

[Tracy]

None. I always get to give the child back to their parents so they can discipline them. And I just realized I have to do it myself now.

[Bert]

And it is totally different when you're in the heat of the moment and it's your child. It is completely different than when it's with somebody else's. But I think this happens to every soon to be Parent where you realize, holy crap, I've never done this before. And every situation that arises is a unique and new situation.

[Ella]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't envy you at all. And I think that it's also because you're so unconditionally in love with your own child that it clouds your decision

[Jeff]

making by child and do no wrong.

[Ella]

Yeah. When it wouldn't if it were from the outside looking in. You know what I mean?

[Tracy]

And I'm also afraid that if I do handle it the wrong way, I'm going to scar them for some reason. Something so minor. And I've just ruined their life for the next 50 years.

[Bert]

Right. The goal really is to get them out of the house and get them to 18 or 19 before they need therapy.

[Hers Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Tracy]

See, and I don't want her to need therapy.

[Bert]

It's going to happen.

[Ella]

Everybody's got issues. Every, every human being will have issues. So you know, you'll scar her somehow.

[Jeff]

Faked Ella.

[Ella]

I know Ella will not have issues.

[Bert]

All right, here's Jennifer with a very common one. Good morning, Jennifer.

[Jennifer]

Good morning, you guys.

[Bert]

Good morning. Can you help Tracy out here?

[Jennifer]

I can help. Tracy. Tracy, I'm so. I know you're ready to go, so get, get on to the hospital. But let me tell you real quick about a pacifier incident. I don't know if you're going to use pacifiers or not, but.

[Bert]

Okay, now wait a second. Now don't tell us the answer. Just tell us the problem and Tracy's going to try to tell you the best way to fix it.

[Jennifer]

Okay, I'll tell you the problem. My daughter was given a pacifier by a nurse in the hospital when she was first born.

[Dina]

Against.

[Jennifer]

They didn't ask me. So the pacifier became glued to my daughter until she was three years old. And we could not get it away from her. We tried everything we could to get

[Dina]

it away from her.

[Jennifer]

She, you know, potty trained well on. In one day, the bottle was gone. In one day, the pacifier stayed with her. So she was three.

[Bert]

Okay, hold on. So pretty common. How do you break your child of the pacifier?

[Tracy]

I know this is pretty common because my niece refuses to give up her pacifier.

[Jeff]

She's worse.

[Ella]

14.

[Tracy]

No, she's also three. So I would like to say that I'm going to avoid giving my child a pacifier. But then again, I also read that pacifiers reduce the risk of sids. So again, make the wrong decision and you're really in trouble. But my sister in law actually did this whole thing where right around the time that her son turned, I think year two, it was Christmas time and he actually mailed his pacifier to Santa Claus with his Christmas list. So in exchange for his pacifier, he was going to get new toys at Christmas. So that might work.

[Bert]

Dang, that is good. That's really good.

[Jeff]

You can do the same thing.

[Dina]

I wish I thought of that.

[Jeff]

If it's not Christmas time, you could just trade it for some crack rocks or something like that.

[Tracy]

With my niece, we're trying to get her to pack. She's packing up all of her stuff that she doesn't use anymore, like her pull ups and things like that. So she's creating a little box to give to her new cousin Ella. So we're hoping that she'll include the pacifier. But fingers are still crossed on that one.

[Bert]

Great idea.

[Jennifer]

That is so neat.

[Tracy]

But other than those two things, I don't know. I have no idea how you get a child to give up a pacifier.

[Bert]

How'd you do it, Jennifer?

[Jennifer]

I had my daughter, when we were riding, I sat in the backseat with her and I had her take her pacifier and told her, went, cracked the window and said, we're gonna let your pacifier dry out.

[Dina]

It's sticky.

[Jennifer]

It's slabbery. And she held it up to the window and I held it with her and I accidentally dropped it out the window.

[Bert]

Accidentally.

[Jeff]

What the hell is wrong with you?

[Jennifer]

I've been out the window and she. And I said, oh my gosh, your backfire went bye bye. And she cried. Of course, she doesn't know that. I could go and get another one.

[Jeff]

My God, I hope you never have a kitten that you need to get rid of.

[Jennifer]

You need to stop. I wouldn't throw a kitten out a window.

[Bert]

Don't be ridiculous.

[Ella]

Don't be so stupid, Jeff. So did she. I mean, like, she cried and everything when she get over it.

[Jennifer]

And she cried, but she understood. Like she would say, passing on, passing on, you know, out the window, you know, she had a logical explanation why

[Jeff]

she didn't have her pacifier because mommy's a psychiatric.

[Marlo]

Oh my God, you are so rude.

[Ella]

Yeah, don't be rude, Jeff.

[Jennifer]

Oh my God.

[Bert]

I have never heard of that way.

[Tracy]

Somebody else I know actually like planted the pacifier and then like daughter walked away for like an hour or so and put like a potted plant in its place. So like the pacifier grew into a flower and then the baby would just like, I know it's crazy. But then the baby would then watch the Flower grow and did one of the pacifier.

[Jeff]

I like that idea.

[Bert]

That's do stuff like that.

[Ella]

I like that more than littering, right?

[Jeff]

That was much better than throwing your child.

[Bert]

I understand what she's saying. She's saying that it accidentally happened and the baby understood the fact that it was an accident. It's gone. So there's some loss there, but at least she's over it. Not the way I'd handle it, but it was handled nonetheless.

[Jeff]

That child will never have any trust issues with Mommy. Let me hold your pacifier.

[Dina]

No.

[Jeff]

Lumsy throw crap out the window.

[Ella]

Outer finger.

[Bert]

Mom 404741Q100. Hey, Dina. Good morning.

[Jennifer]

Hey. How are you guys?

[Producer Tracy]

Good. How are you doing?

[Marlo]

Good.

[Dina]

I have three little girls. And this is a situation happened with my oldest daughter. So I kind of learned, never judge anybody for what you see. But she about got lost in the mall. She was probably lost for two minutes, which felt like about 20. And I did something just that I never thought I'd ever do just to keep track of my daughter.

[Bert]

So how do you keep track of your daughter before she is lost is the question.

[Dina]

Like one and a half, two years old. She's a toddler, I guess.

[Tracy]

I mean, I've always been told that you never take your eye off them, not even for a second, because they can run off the other way, but not possible.

[Dina]

No, not. And we have. I'm married with, you know, my husband, and we're definitely. I'm a little more freaked out than most parents about something happening to them or someone taking them. So I'm a little more watchful, probably, than the average mom. And it still happened to me. So I had to ensure it never happened again.

[Tracy]

I mean, other than keeping them in a shopping cart or holding their hand or carrying them the entire time or keeping them in a stroller. What do you do?

[Bert]

There's that leash thing they see.

[Dina]

Yeah, that's what we did.

[Jennifer]

Leash.

[Bert]

Really?

[Dina]

Yes.

[Marlo]

And I thought, you know, I.

[Dina]

Before you become a mom, you see people with different things and you think, that is horrible. I would never do that. You think that. But then when something like that happens, you know, they come in all sorts of little, you know, teddy bears and all sorts of stuff. But we got our little leash, just not for all the time. But you can't. With a child in the mall, you can't keep them in the stroller all the time. They eventually will want out, and they do run around, and it can happen in a split second. So when she did get we'd bring the leash to the mall, and then when she'd get whatever, you know, for, you know, 15 or 20 minutes, we'd put it on her.

[Tracy]

I can. I mean, I can't see doing that all the time, but I can see doing it. And, like, if you're in a really, really crowded place where it's hard to keep up with a grown adult, I could do. I would do it.

[Bert]

I just have never been able to do that with our kids. And when I see those kids on a leash, it just looks so odd to me. It just.

[Tracy]

But, like, if you're in, like, a really packed place where it's like, shoulder to shoulder. Yeah, I. I don't have an issue with that. Rather than losing them.

[Jeff]

I know a lot of people have problems with that, but like Tracy said, if you take. If your kids at the Dogwood Festival and they want to get up out of their stroller for, you know, I mean, that's so wall to wall people time up to you. I mean, go out and buy a leash. Like, don't get, like, clothesline from the basement. And fashion one, which I've actually seen before.

[Bert]

No way.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Ella]

That's scary.

[Jeff]

Yeah. I saw somebody with. It was. It was like a bungee cord that they made out of a harness, and they tied a little piece of rope to it. I was like, well, if you need to do it, you need to do it. I mean, it's only 10 bucks.

[Bert]

Hey, Marlo. Good morning. You're on Q.

[Marlo]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Marlo]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hey, you'll be the last call here. What's up?

[Marlo]

I wanted to give her advice for getting a toddler to stop using bad words.

[Bert]

Stop using. Give us a couple of examples of when your kid was using bad words and it embarrassed you.

[Marlo]

Oh, my gosh. A friend of mine told me to let my kids see Happy Gilmore. I've got three boys, and they were probably at time. They were eight, six and two and a half, maybe three. And so there's a word in the movie which I probably can't say on the air, but it starts with a day. And they kept calling each other that. And it was so embarrassing. And we were going from. I lived in Texas at the time, and we were going from. In the car, on a long drive, actually here to visit family. And they kept saying that word in the car. I'm like, guys, when you get around my mother and my grandmother, you can't use those words.

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Marlo]

And I was so worried because it just came out so easily. And so now she has to tell me how she would fix that.

[Bert]

All right, so how would you. Go ahead. I mean, because this is gonna be a problem. Cause you curse like a sailor, Right?

[Marlo]

Right.

[Bert]

So how is it possible your little girl's not gonna pick up on your nasty words?

[Tracy]

Well, first of all, I heard you never, ever acknowledge it. Like you don't laugh or you don't smile or giggle when they say it can't happen. I know.

[Jeff]

Three and a half year old cousin is the funniest thing in the world.

[Tracy]

The first time you do it, they realize they're gonna get attention for it. So they keep doing it and doing it and doing it. So you can acknowledge it or at least not acknowledge it in a positive way. The first. And then you have to tell them that we don't talk like that. That's not a very nice word. And then if they continue to do it, I guess you punish them. However it is that you punish them, whether it's timeout or, in Melissa's case,

[Jeff]

banking, drop them out the car window with the password.

[Marlo]

I did it a totally different way. Can I tell you?

[Bert]

Yeah, of course.

[Marlo]

I let my kids have bad word time in the car. It was just me and the boys. And I told them, okay, this is what we're going to do. We're going to get all the bad words out of the system. Out of your system. My oldest is now almost 13 and we still occasionally do it, but he's never said a bad word ever. He's nicest kid you could ever meet in your life.

[Ella]

I would so tape that conversation.

[Jeff]

That was what I was thinking. Please record that.

[Bert]

So what is it? Is it like 30 seconds? Is it a minute? Is it two minutes? And they could say whatever they want.

[Marlo]

They could say whatever they want. But I always said the F word's off limits. You have to have something that's off limits.

[Jeff]

Do you?

[Marlo]

They, they went round and round and bad words to kids might be totally different to bad words than us, but I mean, you'll get, you know, dirty pants and, you know, silly stuff, but at the same time they're gonna say the bad words over and over and over and then they'll ask for bad word time and then they'll ask for bad word time in front of their friends and you'll say, no, that's inappropriate. And they know exactly when they can use bad words. And you want your kids to. Me to be able to be everything at home with you. You want them, you want to see all their ugly. Do you know what I'm saying I think it's brilliant.

[Bert]

I do, too.

[Jeff]

Do you participate?

[Marlo]

Sometimes. Yeah. We're having a real bad day. I mean, I'm not perfect. I don't let them think that I'm perfect for a second. I'm a single mom with three boys. I don't know how to raise three boys. I'm learning every day.

[Jeff]

Are you gonna do the same thing with sex?

[Bert]

Good. It's good that you didn't.

[Producer Tracy]

Yeah.

[Ella]

Trace is about to put Jeff in timeout.

[Marlo]

We've had those conversations and it's like my face turns red and we just all laugh.

[Bert]

So for 30 or 60 seconds, whatever they want to say is totally on loose. Throw it out there.

[Ella]

That's funny. Gosh, yes. But you've got to tape that. You've got to tape that.

[Jeff]

I'm gonna guess that Tracy will not allow cussing around Ella at any time, even in three months.

[Ella]

I'm guessing Bert's going home to have a conversation with Stacy today about bad work time.

[Bert]

We are green lighting it, man.

[Jeff]

For her or for the kids?

[Ella]

Yeah, all of the above.

[Jeff]

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