Vault: Listeners Call In With Their Most Mortifying Moments

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Listeners Call In With Their Most Mortifying Moments" (April 3, 2026)

Overview

In this laugh-out-loud, unfiltered episode, the Bert Show crew opens the phone lines and invites listeners to share their most mortifying moments, centering on the theme of accidental bathroom mishaps—specifically, times they've peed themselves as adults. Jumping off a recent confession by singer Fergie, the conversation quickly becomes a relatable, hilarious safe space as people candidly recount their own embarrassing accidents. The tone is a blend of camaraderie, laughter, and unashamed honesty, as both the cast and callers bond over universal (if awkward) human moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Fergie’s Admission Sets the Stage (00:17–00:54)

• Host relates a recent Fergie interview where she admits her most embarrassing moment was peeing herself on stage.
  • Quote: “Fergie says I should have used the toilet before I went on stage. That was and always will be the most embarrassing moment of my life.” — [B, 00:32]
• The panel jokes about adult bathroom emergencies and wonders how common they are.

The Crew’s Own Experiences with Urgency (00:58–01:38)

• Driving home needing to pee:
  • One host admits to making an emergency stop to pee in the bushes.
  • “McDonald’s napkins in the glove compartment—that’s what they’re there for.” — [C/B, 01:29]
• Jokes about planning bathroom stops and the fear of not making it.

Listeners Call In: Pregnancy & Peeing Moments (01:44–03:14)

• First caller: Shares that pregnancy, especially with “big babies,” made accidental peeing common.
  • “I leak if I laugh too hard. I leak if I sneeze.” — [F, 02:09]
• Describes a memorable moment at a hardware store, pregnant, wearing overalls, when sneezing caused a visible wet spot:
  • “I was big and pregnant, and I was wearing these overalls, and there was a total wet spot. … I am the most unsexy thing ever.” — [F, 02:44]
• The panel jokes that the overalls “were not sexy” anyway.

The Non-Pregnant, Laugh-Induced Mishaps (03:29–04:15)

• Second caller (never been pregnant): “Sometimes I just laugh so much that I'll tinkle a little.” — [E, 03:33]
• The hosts and callers discuss how finding something truly funny brings on “leakage,” especially with certain friends, and recall stories of classmates in high school dealing with the same issue.

Pee in Public: Grocery Stores & Sports (05:09–05:45)

• Caller Caroline: Tells a story of not making it through self-checkout at the supermarket, resulting in a puddle at age 38:
  • “I had black pants on. You couldn't tell, but there was a big puddle, and I was mortified.” — [G/E, 05:28]
  • Her mom had to collect her purchases while Caroline made an embarrassed escape.
• Another caller shares hearsay about professional football players needing to “just go in their pants” on the field. The cast is incredulous but amused.

The Horseback Riding Disaster (06:04–07:11)

• Caller Shannon: Tells an epic story from a group event involving horse games:
  • Game required balancing water on a spoon while riding.
  • Horse “stopping and starting” triggered unstoppable peeing—she pleaded for someone to stop the horse: “I kept yelling, you better stop the horse. ... Because I'm peeing. I'm peeing. And they wouldn't stop.” — [E, 06:46]
  • The aftermath: Soaked saddle and photographic evidence.

Other Athletic Mishaps (07:16–07:32)

• The crew notes that runners and other athletes sometimes have control issues due to the “pounding” and physical activity.

A Diarrhea Story – “The Worst Ever” (07:40–09:03)

• Caller Amy: Shares an especially mortifying incident triggered by an allergic reaction to salad preservatives.
• Out for dinner and drinks, her stomach gurgled ominously; she rushed to the restroom but was too late:
  • “It exploded all over me. ... I just had to stay in the stall until somebody could go get me a change of clothes.” — [G, 08:43–08:49]
  • Another friend had to fetch new clothes from home—a story met with a mix of sympathy and humor by the hosts: “Some think it’s funny, but it’s really brown and red.” — [C, 09:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Fergie’s Regret (00:32): “That was and always will be the most embarrassing moment of my life.”
• Overalls Blame (03:02): “I don't think it was the pregnancy or the pee. I think it was the overalls that made her not sexy.” — [B, 03:02]
• Unstoppable Horse (06:46): “I kept yelling, you better stop the horse. … Because I'm peeing. I'm peeing. And they wouldn't stop.” — [E, 06:46]
• Grocery Store Puddle (05:28): “You couldn’t tell, but there was a big puddle, and I was mortified.” — [G, 05:28]
• Bathroom Stall Wait (08:49): “I just had to stay in the stall until somebody could go get me a change of clothes.” — [G, 08:49]
• Panel Empathy (09:01): “Awful. So embarrassing.” — [G, 09:01]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:17 – Fergie’s on-stage accident sets the topic
• 01:44 – First listener: pregnancy and sneezing-induced accident at Lowe’s
• 03:29 – Second listener: laughing so hard it happens, even without kids
• 05:10 – Self-checkout grocery store story, age 38
• 06:04 – Horseback game and the unstoppable accident
• 07:40 – Amy’s severe allergic reaction leads to a poop nightmare
• 09:12 – End of listener stories

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Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is authentic, playful, and unfiltered. Hosts and callers laugh through the discomfort, finding community in shared mishaps. No one is judged; instead, everyone is welcomed into the hilarious, embarrassing humanity of needing to go and not quite making it. The humor is sometimes self-deprecating but always compassionate.

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Summary Takeaway

Through a series of openhearted, awkward, and sharply funny phone calls, The Bert Show reminds listeners that nobody is immune to embarrassing slip-ups. Whether due to laughter, pregnancy, sports, or an unexpected allergy, bathroom accidents can—and do—happen to everyone. The takeaway? If pop stars, athletes, and everyday people alike have their mortifying moments, you can laugh at yours too.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

We need to get the phones ready because I was just reading this article this morning about Fergie, and Fergie has finally admitted that the most embarrassing moment in her life was when she peed herself during the show. Do you guys remember those photographs of her? Yeah. She said, I think everyone has seen the pictures on the Internet. When I didn't use the bathroom before I went on stage, we were doing let's Get It Started, and I was jumping all over. Fergie says I should have used the toilet before I went on stage. That was and always will be the most embarrassing moment of my life. Fergie says I can never live it down. She peed her pants as an. So I'm just wondering as an adult, like, do people do that? Like, what made you pee your pants as an adult? Like, literally pee yourself.

[C]

I know there's been times where, like, you leave here and you're thinking, okay, I need to go to the bath. No, I'll wait till I get home. And then you get stuck in traffic.

[D]

That's actually got to be a legitimate fear.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Because I've got to go before I'm getting on the interstate.

[C]

I've been in that position because I've actually left the car to go in the bushes on the side of the interstate before coming back from Savannah.

[B]

That's so fun. Little drip dry.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, you know, shake. You shake a little bit. You know, you can.

[B]

Leftovers. McDonald's napkins in the glove compartment.

[C]

Yeah, that's what they're there for.

[B]

I was gonna say that's what they're for, but I'm just curious. When people actually, as grown adults, pee

[C]

in your pants, there's gonna be a lot of drunk stories, too.

[D]

Hey, Bird show. What's going on?

[E]

Hi.

[F]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning.

[F]

Well, the first time I peed in my pants as an adult was when I was pregnant with my son.

[D]

Hold on one second. Did you just say the first time?

[F]

Yes, I.

[G]

It'.

[F]

I have two kids, and they were both kind of big babies. And I gotta be honest. I bet you'll get more calls from this after you've had kids. Especially if they're big. I have a nine pounder and a seven pounder.

[B]

Sounds like you're talking about Thanksgiving turkey.

[F]

I leak if I laugh too Hard. I leak if I sneeze.

[C]

Tracy's panicked right now.

[D]

But isn't that's horrible?

[F]

It is. It's horrible. And some of my girlfriends who are also moms. I mean, when we're all laughing and hanging out, you can tell who has kids because we. We all cross our legs because we're laughing hard.

[B]

And have you ever full on just, like, laughed in the grocery store and had, like, a wet spot?

[F]

Well, that's what happened when I was pregnant. My husband and I were going into Lowe's, and I started sneezing.

[D]

Oh, no.

[F]

And all of a sudden, I said, oh, God, we need to go home. And he said, what? And I said, look, I just peed all over myself. And I was wearing. I was big and pregnant, and I was wearing these overalls, and there was a total wet spot. It was. You know, when you're pregnant, you feel ugly anyway, so when you're sick, sitting there with pee, you know, you're like, I am the most unsexy thing ever.

[B]

I don't think it was the pregnancy or the pee. I think it was the overalls that

[F]

made her not sexy.

[B]

Never, never, never.

[C]

Listen to this show again.

[B]

No, overalls are never sexy.

[D]

Hey, never.

[C]

But Tracy's panicked because she made the comment, after you're pregnant, it's easier to do that and have a big baby. And, you know, Tracy talks about her obese fetus.

[D]

Unless it's already happened. Hey, Becky. Welcome to the show. Hey, what's up?

[B]

When did you pay yourself?

[G]

Well, I don't have the excuse of

[E]

having ever been pregnant.

[F]

Sometimes I just laugh so much that

[E]

I'll tinkle a little.

[B]

Does it happen often?

[F]

Well, it's not all that often, but, I mean, sometimes I'm just hanging out with my friends, and I hang out with really, really funny people, and then I just have to go to the bathroom real quick. So it's never more than, like, a few drops.

[G]

But still it's.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah. My sister's best friend in high school had that issue. And so every time when she get a really hard laugh going. So it's almost as if when they saw her about to lose it, everybody

[B]

like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[C]

It's not funny. But, yeah, she would laugh harder. She would laugh so hard that they'd be riding. You know, like in high school, what do you do? You ride around? They'd be riding around.

[B]

She's like, oh, so how embarrassing. Do we have anybody else over there?

[C]

I can't believe we haven't had any drunk stories yet? Because I can imagine the drunk, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I've done it where I've woken up in the middle of the night and almost done it. Like, where you. You know, you have the dream about you're doing it, but not. Not in public.

[D]

We actually had a call that said that, but she hung up where she. It happened to her last night.

[B]

Oh, no.

[D]

Hey, Bircho wet the bed.

[G]

Good morning.

[D]

Hey, how are you? Good morning.

[G]

Hey.

[F]

Good.

[G]

I never peed in my pants, but I've heard my husband's a big football follower, and he says that professional players have to pee during the game because they can't leave to pee. So it's pretty common.

[E]

They just go in their pants.

[F]

That can't be true.

[D]

And that's who Wendy wants to date.

[B]

Not anymore. No way.

[D]

Hey, Caroline. Welcome to the show.

[G]

Hey. Thank you.

[D]

What's going on?

[G]

Great to be here. I have a story I used to. So I feel very comfortable telling this story. I. I was at the supermarket, and I kind of felt that I could wait, and I figured, oh, let me just get out of here real quick. I went on self check, and I just never made it out. I had black pants on.

[E]

You couldn't tell, but there was a big puddle, and I was mortified.

[G]

I had to run out the store, send my mom back in, and make her go and get my stuff. And this was like a couple of years ago.

[B]

You peed in a puddle on the floor.

[D]

How old were you at the time?

[G]

Oh, I was, like, 38. Yeah. Now I make sure I go ahead of time.

[D]

Oh, so you know what? You've all got something in common with Fergie, and she's a successful grown woman, right?

[B]

Yes. Well, next time she's in, we'll play all these stories for her.

[D]

Hey, Shannon.

[F]

Yes.

[D]

Welcome to the show.

[E]

Thank you. Many times I've had a little leak, but I went to a fun show with a group of ladies and men and their kids where they had a horse ring, horse riding ring.

[G]

And we were playing games where you

[E]

would hold a spoon with water on it, and you were trotting your horse, and somebody would say, turn your horse left. So I got on the horse. And, you know, it's really different when a horse decides to stop and then take off and go the next way. And you don't ride a horse normally. Well, this horse, they said they would go really slow for me. Well, slow on a horse that does. That is not very slow. I kept yelling, you better stop the horse. You better Stop. Because I'm peeing. I'm peeing. And they wouldn't stop. And I'm like, I'm peeing.

[G]

I felt what I got.

[E]

And somebody's there taking pictures. And I get up, and it's like the whole saddle is soaking. We.

[F]

Yeah. For the first time, I'm looking.

[E]

You say, I'm like, I told you

[F]

I had to pee.

[E]

And I was literally soaking wet. I was disgusting.

[D]

Giddy up.

[C]

I've heard of. I've heard of athlete, like runners have. I have said before that sometimes they have a harder time. I don't know why that. I don't know why, but there were some runners somewhere talking about how there may be some leak issues.

[D]

It's a lot of pounding for a long time, and it all rattles up your bladder. Hey, Amy, you are gonna be our last call.

[G]

Hey, how are you guys?

[D]

Did you pee your pants?

[G]

I love your show.

[E]

I love you.

[D]

Thank you.

[G]

Well, I have the worst story ever. This is awful. But as I grew older, I became allergic to, like, different preservatives, and I became allergic to. To a preservative that's on salad a lot of times. And I was out with friends. There was two couples out, and we were eating salad and in our dinner, and then we left that place and went to a bar. Well, this allergic reaction happened, and what happens is I get diarrhea. Yes, it's awful. No, I didn't think about it because this reaction only happened, like, one time to me, so I didn't think about it. Well, my stomach started gurgling, and I got up and I left and went into the restroom, and it exploded all over me.

[D]

Oh, no.

[G]

Yes. It was terrible. Terrible.

[B]

It went down your pants and stuff. Like, you didn't make it.

[G]

I. I just had to stay in the stall until somebody could go get me some change of clothes.

[D]

So somebody actually had to go home and get you a change of clothes.

[C]

You poor thing.

[G]

Awful. So embarrassing.

[C]

Some think it's funny, but it's really brown and red.

[D]

That sucks. Sorry about that, Amy, but thank you for sharing the story with us. We sure do appreciate it.

[A]

The Birch Show.