The Bert Show Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: Listeners Confess the Wildest Places They've Been Escorted Out Of
Date: March 18, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen, and listeners

Overview

The Bert Show invites listeners to share their most embarrassing and wild stories about being escorted out of public venues. Inspired by a viral incident involving Broadway star Patti LuPone confronting an audience member, the cast dives into personal experiences and opens the phone lines to hilarious, cringeworthy audience confessions—from comedy clubs to Disney World.

Main Theme

Theme:
A light-hearted, comedic exploration of public ejections—listeners and hosts swap stories about being forcibly removed from venues, usually for violating rules or engaging in awkwardly inappropriate behavior. The episode delves into why people get booted and the universal embarrassment of the public “walk of shame.”

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Kickoff: Patti LuPone's Viral Confrontation [02:02-03:09]

• Jen shares an audio of Broadway actress Patti LuPone halting "Gypsy" to berate an audience member for taking pictures:

  “You heard the announcements. Who do you think you are? How dare you? Who do you think you are? Get them out. I won't continue a bit taking pictures!” —Patti LuPone [02:23]

• Panel’s Reaction:

  • The humiliation of public escorting is discussed, with jokes about stage spotlights highlighting the “offender.”
  • The panel invites listeners to call in with similar stories: “Is there anybody listening right now... you had to be escorted out in front of everybody?” —Host [03:15]

Setting the Scene: The Universal Walk of Shame [03:10-04:53]

• Jen: The awkwardness of being made an example in a crowd.
• Host: Escalates from minor misbehavior (cell phone use at the movies) to more obvious rule-breaking (catching foul balls at baseball games).
• Co-host: Highlights that sometimes the guilt is “guilt by association”—if your friend crosses the line, you may get pulled out too.

Listener Confessions

1. Comedy Club Drink Minimum Showdown [05:30-07:02]

• Caller: Group attends club in Florida with no intention to order drinks; refuses to pay drink minimum; spotlight is literally turned on them, and show stops for security to escort them out.
• Host: “Have them stop the entire show... security has to escort you and your mom out.” —Host [07:02]
• Panel: Everyone agrees the added humiliation is comedians making fun of you as you go.

2. Singing Along at Phantom of the Opera [07:15-07:46]

• Caller (via story): Usher has to physically remove drunken man singing loudly during “Phantom”; he resists, is bodily carried out.
• Co-host: “You don't even get bragging rights for that. You can't even say I got kicked out of Phantom tonight.” —Co-host [07:46]

3. Sistine Chapel Photography [07:50-08:06]

• Co-host: Shares personal story of being gently escorted out of the Sistine Chapel for taking photos.
• Jen: “Oh, I thought that was when you almost passed out.” —Jen [08:01] (panel jokes continue)

4. Olympic Fountain Prank [08:07-08:30]

• Caller: During the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, she and friends run into the Centennial Park fountain; police escort them out after stopping the show.
• Caller: “They literally stopped the show for you?” —Host [08:25]
• “Yes, and it was really bad. I was embarrassed.” —Caller [08:26]

5. Hot Dog Toss at a Dodgers Game [08:31-09:09]

• Caller: Boyfriend throws hot dog across bullpen to another fan; immediate ejection and security escort. Entire section boos the security guards.
• Host: “Embarrassing, but he deserves to get thrown out. But you have to go with him as a friend.” —Host [09:09]
• Co-host: Offers insider perspective on abandoning friends after they cause trouble at games.

6. Putt-Putt Golf Water Violation [10:02-10:44]

• Caller: Removed from mini-golf in Wilmington, NC, for retrieving balls from water and “being stupid.” Their photo is up as a banned person 15 years later.
• Jen: “I don't understand what the violation was.” —Jen [10:31]
• Caller: Explains they were sober, just goofing off.

7. Kicked Out of Disney World [10:45-11:36]

• Caller: Group is escorted out by “Disney Secret Service” after a friend’s drunken rudeness at Epcot; banned from property for 72 hours, including hotel.
• Host: “They kicked you out of the whole thing? The park, the hotel, the whole thing?” —Host [11:32]
• Caller: Describes “surreal” and intense Disney security.

8. No Pictures at the Pink Pony [12:33-13:15]

• Caller: After taking a photo in a strip club (Pink Pony), security stops the music and dancers shout; the group is loudly ejected.
• Caller: “15 Jaeger bombs later... it was just a quick snapshot... the guy gets on a loudspeaker: ‘No taking pictures at the Pink Pony!’ And I was mortified.” —Caller [13:15]
• Jen: “Have you ever been to a strip club before? Was that your first time?” —Jen [13:05]

9. Sushi Restaurant All-You-Can-Eat Ban [13:38-14:07]

• Caller: Boyfriend eats so much at an all-you-can-eat sushi place that after three hours, police are called and they are kicked out.
• Host: “At what point do they come up to you and say, 'I'm sorry, that's too much?'” —Host [13:48]
• Caller: “He was going strong... they've stopped staring at us... with police, I would’ve sued.” —Caller [13:51]
• Co-host: “That would have been a great lawsuit.” —Co-host [14:01]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Who do you think you are? Get them out. I won't continue a bit taking pictures!" —Patti LuPone (clip) [02:23]
• "That is the walk of shame right there." —Host [05:23]
• "If you're going to go out, go out in handcuffs." —Host [14:03]
• “You are no longer allowed on Disney property for the next 72 hours.” —Disney security, recounted [11:05]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:02 – Patti LuPone’s viral takedown & intro to theme
• 03:10 - 04:53 – Cast personal stories & setting up the topic
• 05:30 - 07:02 – Comedy club “drink minimum” incident
• 07:15 - 07:46 – Phantom of the Opera singing ejection
• 08:07 - 08:30 – Olympic fountain confession
• 08:31 - 09:09 – Dodgers game hot dog incident
• 10:02 - 10:44 – Mini golf ejection
• 10:45 - 11:36 – Disney World banning
• 12:33 - 13:15 – Pink Pony strip club photo shaming
• 13:38 - 14:07 – Sushi “all-you-can-eat” ban

Overall Tone

Energetic, irreverent, and full of laughter, The Bert Show’s team and callers treat shameful ejections as a source of group therapy and comedy. Listeners are encouraged to take their embarrassing moments in stride and everyone bonds over the awkwardness of public humiliation.

Conclusion

This episode stands out for its candid and hilarious peek into the universal fear—being publicly marched out, usually for something a little bit silly. Through stories both extreme and relatable, The Bert Show fosters a sense of camaraderie (and plenty of laughs) over the “walk of shame.”