Vault: Listeners Confess Their Strangest Habits

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – Listeners Confess Their Strangest Habits

Episode Date: June 10, 2026
Host(s): Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast

---

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the quirky, bizarre, and giggle-inducing habits of The Bert Show hosts and their listeners. In the recurring "Am I Normal?" segment, callers share their weirdest routines—ranging from pre-meeting rituals to food dissection—with the hosts weighing in, celebrating the oddities that make life interesting. The episode is lighthearted, authentic, and filled with laughter as both cast and callers reveal just how peculiar—and sometimes surprisingly common—strange habits can be.

---

Key Discussion Points & Listener Calls

1. The Inspiration: A Call About "Pre-Meeting Pump Up"

• [01:15] Bert introduces the "Am I Normal?" Segment: Though the initial caller, Tanya, bails, her story kicks everything off.
• Tanya’s Routine ([01:33]):
  • Before monthly work presentations, Tanya listens to hardcore rap and jogs in a bathroom stall to build adrenaline.
  • The hosts debate if this is "abnormal cool."
  • Memorable Quote:
    • Host 3: "It's not normal, but it's pretty cool." [02:35]
• Hosts’ Imagery:
  • Hosts imagine the scene: business attire, rap blasting, someone running in a stall.
  • Host 4: "She's like a cat who's all excited now that she's done her business." [02:49]

2. Hosts' Own Odd Habits

• Oscar Staircase Fantasy ([03:24]):
  • Host 4 imagines receiving an Oscar every time they walk up stairs, "thanking" an imaginary audience at the top.
  • Quote: "So, yes. When you see me climbing stairs, just in my mind, I'm either winning, you know, Best Screenplay or Best Actress." [04:18]

3. Listener Calls: Sharing the Strangeness

A. Disney Roleplay in Bed ([04:21])

• Caller John:
  • Plays "Sleeping Beauty" with his fiancée, complete with scripted dialogue and kisses, as a sleep ritual.
  • Quote: "She'll make me go outside the room and then come in and do a whole dialogue… And if I don't do it right, I gotta do it again." [04:26]
  • Started five years into their relationship.
  • Hosts tease him, "You really love this woman, don't you?" [04:50]

B. Folding Wet Jeans Before Drying ([06:04])

• Host 3:
  • Admits folding wet jeans meticulously before putting them in the dryer to avoid wrinkles, despite knowing it's unusual.
  • Quote: "Every time I do laundry, I fold wet jeans and put them in the dryer." [07:13]

C. Microwave Race ([07:25])

• Caller Ashley:
  • Runs circles in her kitchen to see how many laps she can do before the microwave timer beeps.
  • Quote: "I try to see how many circles I can run around in my kitchen before the microwave [finishes]." [07:25]
  • Recorded 29 laps in 30 seconds.
  • Hosts laugh at the visual and kitchen size.

D. Smelling All Food ([08:24])

• Caller Ashley:
  • Must smell any food, drink, or even gum before putting it in her mouth.
  • Host 3: Shares a friend’s similar habit—smelling silverware and even pens.
  • Quote: "I can't put it in my mouth without smelling it first… I want to make sure it's okay before I eat it or drink it." [08:37]
  • Family gets annoyed in restaurants; she brings the plate to her nose for a pre-eating sniff.

E. Purse and Bed Directional Habits ([09:52])

• Host 3 & 2:
  • One friend must hang her purse facing a certain way at home, or it bothers her.
  • Host 2 can only sleep facing the door—believes it's a self-protection instinct.
  • Host 4 can't sleep with limbs dangling off the bed due to lingering childhood "monster-under-bed" fears.

F. Disney Tram Driving Daydream ([10:46])

• Host 1:
  • While alone, pretends their car is a Disney World parking lot tram—makes wide turns for "all four tram cars."
  • Quote: "For some reason, I start to imagine myself driving one of the parking lot trams at Disney World." [11:09]
  • Hosts joke about pretending to narrate on a walkie talkie.

G. M&M Dissection ([12:06])

• Caller Joanne:
  • Eats peanut M&Ms by sucking off the chocolate, saving the intact nuts on a napkin to eat last.
  • Quote: "When I eat peanut M&Ms, I have a napkin in front of me and I have to put one at a time. I color code them first." [12:10]
  • Hosts find this both impressive and "freaking disgusting." [12:39]
  • Discuss other weird candy-eating habits, like dissecting Snickers bars "like an ear of corn."

H. Sleeping with Mirrors Covered ([13:43])

• Caller Shelby:
  • Since middle school, must sleep with bedroom doors closed and mirrors turned to face the wall to avoid reflected light.
  • Quote: "I would take like my full length mirror off the wall and turn it around backwards so that I couldn't see anything." [13:43]
  • Hosts confirm: "That's not normal." [14:01]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "[Tanya] puts on an iPod, plays hardcore rap music in the bathroom, and runs and plays in a stall to get her adrenaline up." — Host 1 [02:16]
• "Every time I climb stairs I think that I'm walking up to receive my award at the Oscars." — Host 4 [03:48]
• "I try to see how many circles I can run around in my kitchen before the microwave [finishes]." — Caller Ashley [07:25]
• "When I eat peanut M&Ms... I color code them first. Then I put one at a time in my mouth, get all the chocolate out, and the peanut has to stay completely intact." — Caller Joanne [12:10]
• "If I'm driving through a neighborhood... for some reason, I start to imagine myself driving one of the parking lot trams at Disney World." — Host 1 [11:09]

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:15] Start of “Am I Normal?” segment; Tanya's pre-presentation ritual
• [03:24] Host reveals Oscar fantasy on stairs
• [04:21] Caller John and the Sleeping Beauty ritual
• [06:04] Host 3 folds jeans before drying
• [07:25] Microwave running game story
• [08:24] Can't eat without smelling it first
• [09:52] Purse direction and bed/direction night routines
• [10:46] Disney tram driving daydream confession
• [12:06] M&M eating “system”
• [13:43] Must cover mirrors before sleep

---

Tone and Takeaways

• Authentic and Playful: The hosts openly admit to their own odd habits, normalizing quirks while laughing with (not at) listeners.
• Inclusive: There's a chorus of “not normal, but awesome!”—making everyone feel a little more seen in their weirdness.
• Celebratory of Uniqueness: Whether it's pre-work bathroom jogs, childhood monster fears, or candy dissection, the show reminds us that everyone has their thing—and that’s worth celebrating.

---

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad and then the next it's no, actually carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit for hers.combert to get personalized affordable care that gets you. That's F O R h e r s.comb for hers.com Bert Weightliftsbyhurst is not available in all 50 states, but go via registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A S to get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions. Visit borhears.com Need a new couch?

[Aaron's Advertiser]

A bigger TV? A fridge that actually stays cold? At Aaron's, you can get the brands you love with flexible payments that work for your budget. Approval is easy and delivery is free. Shop [e-mail] or visit your local store today. Approval not guaranteed. Restrictions apply. See store for details.

[Host 1]

Listen, it's the vert show. So am I normal? We've done this on the show a few times. It's been a while and our caller, we actually had a caller who. The reason we're. The whole reason we're going to do this, she wanted to know if she was normal and. And she bailed on us.

[Host 2]

No way.

[Host 3]

Can we at least talk about her normal abnormalness?

[Host 1]

Absolutely.

[Host 3]

Okay.

[Host 1]

And we can use her real name of Tanya, because if she's not gonna join us, then she doesn't have the opportunity to use a fake name or voice disguiser. But apparently Tanya once a month has to go in front of her bosses and justify the work she's done over the past 30 days, like kind of present to them. I don't know if she works in sales or what she does, but. But every month she has to go into a room with her Boss and say, this is how much I sold. These are the new leads I've found. This is whatever.

[Host 4]

I wonder if she's always done it or she's just doing it now in this weird job climate.

[Host 1]

I think she. I don't know what the situation is,

[Host 4]

but her bosses are like, oh, God, is it the 30th again?

[Host 1]

Well, no, it's required for her at work. That's not the weird thing.

[Host 4]

Okay.

[Host 1]

No, that's normal. That's every month that she's required to go in there. The weird thing that she does is she puts on an ipod, plays hardcore rap music in the bathroom, and runs and plays in a stall to get her adrenaline up.

[Host 4]

Oh, my God.

[Host 1]

That's. Before she goes in there.

[Host 3]

Before she goes in. I think that's actually awesome.

[Host 4]

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

[Host 3]

It's not normal, but it's pretty cool.

[Host 1]

So she goes in there and she's in the.

[Host 4]

It's not the music part. I think it's her jogging in the stall.

[Host 1]

My thought is, if you go into the bathroom after her and you see that going on, you're wondering what got her all bound up.

[Host 4]

Yeah, she's like a cat who's all excited now that she's done her business.

[Host 1]

But you know how you can hear when somebody's got the headphones on? So you hear the music playing in the background.

[Host 3]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

And hear the tiny little music sounds. And then you just see somebody running. Then she comes out and you're expecting her, or I guess her to be dressed up to, you know, about to go out for a run or something,

[Host 3]

but she's dressed for business, full on.

[Host 1]

Shoot, I'm ready to go in.

[Host 3]

I love that. I don't know what song she listens to.

[Host 1]

All she said in her email was it was hardcore rap music. So that was it.

[Host 4]

That's funny.

[Host 3]

That's awesome.

[Host 1]

So staying pumped. Do you guys have anything?

[Host 4]

Well, you know, a couple in the, you know, honor of the Golden Globes. And I've done this for, I don't know how long. And I think because when I was a kid, I was addicted to all these award shows. And of course, like every kid, you, you know, think about winning an Oscar and what it would be like to be at the Oscars and everything, so. And it is without fail, every time I climb stairs that I think that I'm walking up to receive my award at the Oscars. Every time. Every time.

[Host 1]

Like a full flight of stairs or like a little step. Doesn't matter.

[Host 4]

Doesn't matter. I just. For some reason, stairs remind me that I'm going to receive my Oscar. And I'll start the stair. If it's a long staircase, I'll start the stairs, you know, kind of fast. And then the top of the stairs, I'll take a little slower because, you know, everybody that wins, like, once they get to the top, they're just like, yeah, thank you so much. And, you know, take those last two steps very slowly. That's awesome. So. Yes. So when you see me climbing stairs, just in my mind, I'm either winning, you know, Best Screenplay or Best Actress.

[Host 3]

I love that. Yeah.

[Host 1]

Hey, John. Welcome to the bird show.

[Caller John]

Hey, how are you guys doing?

[Host 1]

Good. We're glad to help and tell you if you're normal or not.

[Caller John]

Okay. Well, actually, I know that it's definitely not normal. It's something my fiance makes me do. She'll make me play Sleeping Beauty with her. She'll lie down in the bed, and she'll make me go outside the room and then come in and do a whole dialogue. Be like, oh, who's this I see? Is this Sleeping Beauty? Are you kidding me? No. And I'll have to go over and give her a kiss. And if I don't do it right, I got to do it again.

[Host 3]

You really love this woman, don't you?

[Caller John]

Oh, I do. And it's funny because sometimes, like, I'll go over to make her kiss and she'll be, like, giggling inside. Then she'll, like, just bust out laughing. She goes, oh, let's do it again. Let's do it again. I didn't do it right. It's crazy.

[Host 2]

And how far into the relationship did

[Host 4]

she, like, start doing this role playing thing?

[Host 2]

Because that doesn't happen off the bat.

[Caller John]

No. Okay. We've been together for about seven years. I'd say it started about a year and a half ago.

[Host 4]

Okay, so five years into the relationship. Yes.

[Host 3]

She was like, that's. That's hilarious.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

How did that even start? Is it something she always wanted to do?

[Host 4]

Well, when you.

[Caller John]

I have no idea. Like, I know she loves, like, Disney movies and it was just funny. I don't know. I think we were watching a movie one day and then, like, you know, I think I actually egged it on where I was, like, just joking around, like, oh, you know, because she was fall asleep, and I think I might have said, oh, you know, it's Sleeping Beauty. And I gave her a kiss, and then she loved it from that point. So I think it was my fault. You always want me to play it. I'm like, geez, hey, she's.

[Host 1]

She's really hot, isn't she?

[Caller John]

She actually is.

[Host 1]

She is away with it. I knew that.

[Host 3]

So the answer to that. Am I normal?

[Host 1]

Yeah. No. 404741Q100. That's the phone number if you want to call and let us evaluate whether or not you're normal.

[Host 3]

I've got one. I actually fold my jeans before I put them in the dryer.

[Host 1]

What?

[Caller Shelby]

What?

[Host 3]

I know. I don't know where it started or where I heard about it, but I feel like a long time ago, somebody. I can't even remember, but somebody told

[Host 1]

me that if you did all three of us give a high pitched. What?

[Host 4]

Yeah. My math is still a thing.

[Host 3]

I have to take out my jeans. It's very much like a methodical thing. Whatever. And I hate doing laundry, so I don't want to prolong it, but now that I heard this, I have to do it. I have to take the jeans out and. And, like, shake them out. Right? Cause you know how they get all twisty and bindy and whatever in the dryer, and I have to, like, smooth out the legs.

[Host 1]

In the washer?

[Host 3]

You mean in the washer? Yes. I'm sorry. And from the washer, I take them out, I have to shake them out and then, like, smooth down the legs to kind of like get the wrinkles out when they're still wet. And then I have to, like, fold them in half and then lengthwise again. And then I put them in the dryer before I dry them, and I feel like it makes them less wrinkled, and I feel like it makes my jeans last longer, but I'm not really sure how.

[Host 1]

I think that, you know, the wrinkles fall out as the jeans dry, but

[Host 3]

to me, I feel like they're gonna turn out better if they're folded. So every time I do laundry, I fold wet jeans and put them in the dryer.

[Host 4]

Whatever makes you feel.

[Host 3]

So I know that's not normal, but you're not. No, no, no.

[Host 1]

Hey, Shelby. Welcome to the bird show.

[Caller Ashley]

Hey. Hey.

[Host 1]

How are you?

[Caller Joanne]

Good.

[Caller Ashley]

How are you?

[Caller John]

Good.

[Caller Ashley]

Okay. I try to see how many circles I can run around in my kitchen before the microwave.

[Caller Joanne]

Be

[Caller Shelby]

really.

[Host 1]

So, like. So you put something in there to heat up, you throw in your SpaghettiOs, you hit 90 seconds, and then you take off like a horse.

[Caller Ashley]

And I try to see how many circles I can run.

[Host 4]

Oh, my God, that's great.

[Host 3]

And where do you describe your kitchen? Where do you run around well, it's

[Caller Ashley]

not very big, so I sort of

[Caller Joanne]

get really, really dizzy.

[Host 3]

And so you run around in circles and you count them?

[Caller Joanne]

Uh huh.

[Host 4]

What's your record?

[Caller Joanne]

Yeah, well, I put soup in there

[Caller Ashley]

for 30 seconds and I ran 29.

[Host 4]

Oh my God.

[Host 3]

Oh, a lap.

[Caller Ashley]

A second.

[Host 1]

Good job.

[Host 2]

Good job.

[Host 3]

That is a small kitchen.

[Host 1]

Yeah. And that's also not normal. Hey, Ashley. Welcome to the bird show.

[Caller Ashley]

Hi. How are you?

[Host 1]

Good. How are you?

[Caller Joanne]

Good.

[Caller Ashley]

I cannot put anything in my mouth without smelling it first. Oh.

[Host 3]

One of my best friends is like this. She smells everything.

[Host 4]

So like gum or like a mint or anything.

[Caller Ashley]

I can't smell it without putting it in my mouth. I mean, I can't put it in my mouth without smelling it first. I think it's weird. I want to make sure it's okay before I eat it or drink it.

[Host 1]

Is it every forkful that you guys do or is it just like the

[Host 4]

first bite, the initial bite?

[Host 1]

Like if you have a steak, do you have, do you smell each bite of the steak or do you just smell the first one?

[Caller Ashley]

I just smell it before I eat it.

[Host 3]

My friend does it with silverware. She has to smell her silverware before she uses it.

[Caller Joanne]

No, I don't.

[Host 4]

Like.

[Host 3]

Yeah, like she smells everything and it's like, it's kind of weird, this thing. Like if she picked up this pen to use it, she would probably smell it first and then use the pen.

[Host 2]

So what does that do?

[Host 4]

What is she looking for?

[Host 3]

I don't know. She said it's just sort of a habit thing. But she. I've noticed the silverware thing. She takes. I mean, it's in her own home, in her own kitchen.

[Host 1]

Her own dishwasher.

[Host 3]

Her own dishwasher. Like she washes the dishes, puts them away, but picks up her fork and smells it.

[Host 4]

See? So you're more normal than Jen's friend.

[Host 1]

I do have.

[Caller Ashley]

My family gets really annoyed because when we'll go to like a nice restaurant, I'll smell the food before I eat it and they think it's really rude.

[Host 1]

Do you bring the plate up to your nose or do you cut it off with your fork and.

[Caller Ashley]

No, I will bring the plate up to my nose. I'm not gonna put my face on the table.

[Host 1]

Okay, good. Well, at least you have manners about it.

[Host 4]

That's the standards too.

[Host 1]

Yep. That's not odd. Not normal.

[Host 3]

I have a friend who I was asking about this yesterday and she said at her house her purse has to hang facing a certain direction on the chair when she walks in the house.

[Host 2]

I have a direction thing.

[Host 3]

If it's hanging the other direction, it bugs her. It will bother her all night. So when she walks in the house, her purse has to hang a certain direction.

[Host 2]

See, I can't sleep not facing the door. So I have a direction thing. Like if I go to sleep and I'm facing the window, I will wake up immediately and turn and face the door.

[Host 1]

You mean you'll roll over in bed?

[Host 2]

Yeah, because somehow I think someone's gonna come and kidnap me. And if I see them before they kidnap me, I know they're there.

[Host 3]

You can get away.

[Host 2]

I don't know.

[Host 4]

It's funny you say that, because I cannot sleep with any arm or leg hanging off the bed. Like, since I was a kid, it's still. It's a monster under the bed thing still. Here I am in my late 30s, and I can't sleep with my leg hanging over the bed. I had to tuck it slowly back

[Host 3]

in if I didn't there. With your Oscar.

[Host 4]

Yeah, exactly. See, my Oscar will save me.

[Host 1]

And you can save your breath because I know this isn't normal, and I don't know why I do it, and I don't know where it came from. But if I'm driving through a neighborhood that has, like, a lot of stop signs or a lot of turns to go to someone's house, then for some reason, and I'm in the car alone, for some reason, I start to imagine myself driving one of the parking lot trams at Disney World.

[Host 4]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

[Caller John]

What?

[Host 1]

Yep. Seriously, I will actually.

[Host 4]

You should not have said this right before Burt's big adventure. You know that, right?

[Host 1]

Or I will actually make turns wide so that all four cars of the tram will make it around the turn.

[Host 2]

Do you ever pretend you have a walkie talkie?

[Host 1]

No, it hasn't gotten that far yet.

[Host 2]

Hi. And over on the left, kids.

[Host 3]

Awesome. That is not normal.

[Host 1]

Arms and legs inside the vehicle. People, please remain seated till we arrive at our destination.

[Host 3]

Simba wise,

[Host 1]

it's not. I'm not in the park, Jen. I'm in the parking lot.

[Host 3]

I'm sorry, I thought you were on the safari of the animal kingdom.

[Caller John]

Mm. Mm.

[Host 1]

That's on a track. I'm free. I can go wherever I want.

[Host 4]

He's trying to take people to their cars.

[Host 1]

I'm actually delivering people to a real place. That's Simba One. Hey, Joanne. Welcome to the show.

[Caller Joanne]

Hi, guys. Good morning.

[Host 1]

How are you?

[Caller John]

Good.

[Host 1]

How are you?

[Host 3]

Good.

[Caller Joanne]

I have kind of. All my friends think it's gross, but I think it just makes me happy. So I do it. When I eat peanut MMs, I have a napkin in front of me and I have to put one at a time. I color code them first. Then I put one at a time in my mouth, get all the chocolate out, and the peanut has to stay completely intact. I put that on a piece of napkin and I wait till I eat all the peanuts, I eat all the chocolate, and then I go back and eat the peanuts one at a time.

[Host 3]

Oh, that sounds really awful.

[Host 1]

Not only is that not normal, it's freaking disgusting.

[Caller Joanne]

It's awesome. The peanuts have the best flavor when they're by themselves. It's just, it's wonderful.

[Host 2]

Do you collect them?

[Caller Joanne]

No.

[Host 1]

I love the way she responds to Wendy. Almost annoyed. No, she dumps.

[Host 4]

She looks like she's double dipping her peanuts.

[Host 1]

Have you ever had them like on the napkin on your desk and had somebody walk up to your cubicle and just take a few of them?

[Caller Joanne]

Oh, yeah. They think it's disgusting because it looks. They, they look gross. They look like it's nasty. But you know, it makes you happy. Take care of it.

[Host 1]

Not, not, not normal.

[Caller Joanne]

But if we.

[Host 4]

Yeah. Now if we did a segment called am I annoying? It's those people who eat like, like Snicker bars. I had friends in school that would eat snicker bars. Like for on the outside, like an ear of corn and then. Yeah, no, eat the damn candy bar.

[Host 1]

Like it. The only food that you can dissect before consuming it is an Oreo cookie.

[Host 4]

Yes. Because everything else is. Yeah, it's not baby bites. You gotta, you know, commit to the chocolate.

[Host 1]

Hey, Victoria, you'll be our last call for this round of Am I Normal?

[Caller Shelby]

Okay, well, ever since I can remember like middle school, I don't like doors be open when I go to sleep and I don't like mirrors in my room so reflect light. So I would take like my full length mirror off the wall and turn around backwards so that I couldn't see anything.

[Host 3]

And you do this every night?

[Caller Shelby]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

Yeah. That's not normal.

[Host 1]

Do you do to every, every mirror?

[Caller Shelby]

Well, I only had the full length mirror in my room, so.

[Host 1]

Nope, not normal. This is the bird show.