Vault: Listeners Confess Their Stupidest Injuries

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: Listeners Confess Their Stupidest Injuries

Date: April 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this engaging and hilarious episode, The Bert Show team, joined by listeners, trade confessions about their “stupidest” injuries. The cast kicks things off with Bert sharing a mishap involving DIY home repair and expanding foam, which sets the tone for a string of jaw-dropping, laugh-out-loud injury tales from co-hosts and callers. The episode celebrates everyday human clumsiness, ignites a sense of camaraderie through shared cringe, and keeps the laughs flowing as each injury one-ups the last.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Expanding Foam Fiasco – The Headliner Injury

• [01:02 – 09:36]
• Bee Extermination Success: Bert regales the group with how he (somewhat heroically) took care of a bee infestation at home, going so far as to don a beekeeper-style outfit and document the incident on video.
  • “I appreciate the applause for successfully exterminating the hive of bees.” – Bert (03:29)
• DIY Danger: After confirming the bees are gone, Bert fills a hole in his porch ceiling with expanding insulation foam. He demonstrates the foam’s properties to his wife Jessica by squeezing some into his hand—leading to the episode’s “stupidest injury.”
  • “I shoved the nostril one at a time up in the, up in the, where the nest was, and I start filling it up. And Jessica's down at the bottom…” – Bert (04:39)
• Foam Catastrophe: Bert accidentally glues his fingers together and hilariously attempts to remedy it with soap, acetone, and desperate Googling, only to learn from the label (too late) that gloves are a must.
  • “If you do come in contact with bare skin, visit the hospital as soon as possible, or you will have to wait for the stuff to completely dry and then break off one by one, which according to them, takes up to 72 hours.” – Bert (06:52)
  • “The only way to remove it is for the first layer of your skin to flake and fall off, which will happen over the next 24 hours.” – Bert (08:48)
• The Aftermath: Bert sheepishly admits to Jessica that he’s glued his hand and, after much trial and error with nail polish remover and acetone, ends up removing a full layer of skin from his fingers.
  • “So if you look at my hand, I have got no layer of skin on the four fingers of my left hand because I was trying to show Jessica what a ball of expanding foam looked like.” – Bert (08:56)
• Memorable Banter: The cast makes fun of Bert’s lost “manliness” and the visceral grossness of his skin-peeling saga in typical Bert Show style.
  • “Did you save a flake of skin for me?” – Cassie (09:33)
  • “I'll sprinkle it in your coffee.” – Bert (09:35)

2. Co-Host & Listener Injury Confessions

• [09:41 – 13:08]

Host and Listener Stories:

• Through the Ceiling Mishaps

  • One co-host shares how her large father nearly falls through the ceiling while moving things in the attic, startling her as debris rains down during her TV time. (09:41 – 10:11)
  • Bert follows up by confessing a similar incident early in his homeownership, when he fell through the ceiling and landed safely on a bed below – the group laughs about narrowly avoiding serious injuries. (10:17 – 10:24)

• Danger Dad Chronicles (Listener: Laura)

  • Laura calls in to list her accident-prone dad’s “greatest hits,” including:
    • Knocking a quarter-sized hole in his head by pulling a stuck axe down on himself while chopping wood (10:46 – 10:58)
    • Dropping a concrete gutter block on his foot, requiring crutches (11:12 – 11:20)
    • Using a ten-speed bicycle instead of a ladder to retrieve a fishing rod, resulting in serious bleeding—but still departing for a beach trip, using saltwater as a questionable remedy (11:25 – 11:52)
  • Memorable quote: “That decision making skill—the hole in his head had something to do with that one.” – Laura (11:54)
  • The dad is now strictly banned from climbing the roof.

• Adam’s Electric Shock (Listener: Adam)

  • Adam, an electrician, describes nearly falling off a ladder after grabbing a live wire by mistake while working in a store. He details the embarrassment of having every employee watch him play it off as “no big deal.” (12:23 – 13:05)
  • “I yelled, stopped everybody in the middle of the Aaron’s Rentals. They all stood up and looked at me… Totally solid.” – Adam & Bert (12:55 – 13:07)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Attempted DIY Heroics:

  • “You gotta support me on this. And I'll be honest. I'm gonna little real talk right now… I wanted to make sure she was aware that there was a level of danger to what I was doing.” – Bert (03:37)
  • “Sacrifice me. I'll go wash it off. Just start spraying.” – Bert, dramatizing his bee battle (03:48)

• On Male Ego and Home Repair:

  • “Do not, because you're a man, you don't need gloves to do this.” – Cassie ribbing Bert (06:40)
  • “All your manliness points just got wiped away.” – Cassie after Bert admits his hand-gluing mishap (07:30)

• On Parenting and Safety:

  • “He's not allowed on the roof of the house at all.” – Laura confirming her dad’s perpetual injury ban (11:57)

• On Playing It Cool:

  • “If you're a guy, you gotta play it off like it's cool. It's like I'm good.” – Bert on enduring workplace embarrassment (12:59)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:02 – 09:36]: Bert's expanding foam accident (in all painful detail)
• [09:41 – 10:24]: Ceiling fall stories (hosts & co-hosts)
• [10:44 – 11:57]: Laura’s “danger dad” injury collection
• [12:23 – 13:07]: Adam’s electrifying ladder mishap

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Tone & Vibe

The episode is classic Bert Show: real stories, unfiltered confessions, plenty of self-deprecating humor, and playful teasing amongst co-hosts and callers. Each contributor, host or listener, brings a mischievous storytelling energy, emphasizing the “we all do dumb stuff sometimes” theme, making the show both relatable and laugh-out-loud funny.

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Summary:
If you’ve ever facepalmed at your own klutzy moments, this episode of The Bert Show delivers a cathartic dose of relatability and laughter. Between Bert’s DIY disaster and caller Laura’s injury-magnet dad, it’s a friendly reminder that sometimes, getting hurt in absurdly preventable ways is just part of the human experience.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I told you guys a couple weeks ago about the weird call that Jessica or the text message that Jessica sent me about the bee problem.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

She's like, we got a bee issue. She goes, don't worry about it right now, but we've got a serious bee issue to the point where people can't get near our house. So. Oh yeah, it was bad. Well, after doing some more research, it wasn't really that bad. And I was able to exterminate the bees successfully and I showed you guys. I'm going to try to get this video fixed.

[D]

Very.

[B]

Thank you. Danger. Can I have the credit for that?

[D]

Did you wear one of those matadon

[B]

full on white thing, the nets and the khakis? So I fully took care of the bee hive or nest or whatever it's called.

[C]

That video though?

[B]

Yeah, if I can get that edited properly, I'll put it online. It was pretty insane, but I killed them all. Right, so then fast forward one week. I just wanted to make sure that it was completely dead. And I went back and I looked at the space. There was a little hole in the ceiling where they were kind of getting between The. The ceiling, the porch ceiling and the floor.

[C]

I mean, talk about. Man. The swarm.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

We're bleeding out of the hole. Yeah.

[B]

Do you know how many times they got stung? Zero.

[C]

How many bees do you. Thousands.

[B]

Not kidding.

[C]

Thousands.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

We saw the video yesterday.

[B]

It's ridiculous.

[C]

Pouring, pouring.

[B]

I thought for a minute I was going to be that person on the news where they cut away a chunk of the wall and there's, like, the big, giant hive underneath there.

[C]

Because that just happened to a woman where there were so many bees in her wall that honey was running down her windows.

[B]

So I appreciate the applause for successfully exterminating the hive of bees.

[C]

Awesome.

[B]

Without one sting. Nicely done. So I went to the hardware store and I said, look, I got this situation, and here's. There's a hole and there's a beehive, and blah, blah, blah. I want it next week. I want to patch it up. What should I do? And I got a couple suggestions. What? One of them was this stuff was to fill the space with this expanding foam. It's basically like an insulation foam. You would put it around a pipe. You would use it to seal cracks in your house. And it comes through. It looks like hair. Like a real thick, heavy hair mousse. But then as it dries, it expands into a very hard Styrofoamy.

[C]

I've seen that stuff before.

[B]

Yes. And it's yellow. Like, I'm sure you've seen it if you have a crawl space in your house or whatever. And I was like, that's the best idea. Cause I'll just shove the nozzle up in there and fill it all up. So I get Jessica to back me up. I'm like, look, you just stand at the bottom of the ladder. Cause I'm still in the.

[C]

That's funny. Just to start with. Honey, can you back me up?

[B]

You gotta support me on this. And I'll be honest. I'm gonna little real talk right now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I knew there were no bees left in there, but I wanted to make sure she was aware that there was a level of danger to what I was doing. So I asked her, you were trying

[C]

to turn her on a little bit.

[B]

I asked her to stand at the bottom of the ladder with the can of bug spray. I'm like, look, if any bees come out, sacrifice. God, I'm such a tool. I can't believe I actually said this. I said, sacrifice me. I'll go wash it off. Just start spraying.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'll take the hit. You guys shoot me if you gotta shoot me, but don't let any bees escape.

[C]

It's like a sick. Leave me behind, honey. Just leave me behind. A reality TV show. Cause this is great. Okay, I'm sorry.

[B]

So I'm up on the ladder. Your goal, please, for my sake, is to find an injury that's more stupid than the one I'm about to tell you about.

[C]

You tell this injury story, and can we tell a retro injury story of yours later?

[B]

I. I shoved the. If you're talking about when I fell through the ceiling, I didn't get hurt, so I shoved the.

[C]

He fell through A true story. Yeah, true story. He fell through his own ceiling. Anyway, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Let's finish this one.

[B]

I shoved the nostril one at a time up in the. Up in the. Where the nest was, and I start filling it up. And Jessica's down at the bottom, and she says, you know, how do you know? I mean, that's a whole giant porch ceiling. Like, you can't fill that whole thing. Like, this is an expanding foam. So I remove the nozzle, and I. You know, like how you would do with hair mousse. I squirt some in my hand, and I hold it out, and it starts to, you know, expand in my hand. I'm like, see? See how that works?

[C]

Like, the blob?

[B]

And she's like, oh, yeah. Okay. So I fill that in. Then there's another space over there. So I fill that in. Meanwhile, I don't want to take this goop of stuff and throw it down on the ground because it's a cement patio, and I don't know how it's going to work.

[C]

That's in your hand.

[B]

So now I'm on a ladder. In my right hand, I've got an aerosol can of expanding foam. In my left hand, I'm holding a ball of this expanding foam.

[C]

Your sample?

[B]

Yep. Balanced on the. Yes, balanced on the ladder. And then I fill it all up, and then it starts to come out the hole. And everything's good, right? So things are good. So I walk over to, like, a plastic bag that we had on the port, and I scrape off the ball of. You know, it's like a greasy, gooey. It's like. I don't know. It's just gooey, greasy, gross. And I scrape it off into a plastic bag. Jessica goes upstairs. I go into the sink in the downstairs bathroom. I get the soap out. I start to wash my hands. My fingers are glued together.

[C]

Oh, no.

[D]

Oh, my.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And I'm like, huh, this stuff's really sticky. So then I use my right hand to actually attempt to force the fingers of my left hand apart, and they won't open.

[C]

You're kidding.

[B]

So then I decide, well, I need to go get the can of foam to find out what do I got to do? Paint thinner, gasoline. How am I going to do this? What takes this stuff off on the can? If it says, do not use this without gloves. Do not.

[C]

Do not, because you're a man, you don't need gloves to do this.

[B]

Now allow this to come in contact with bare skin.

[E]

Oh, no.

[C]

What does the warning say after that?

[B]

If you do come in contact with bare skin, visit the hospital as soon as possible, or you will have to wait for the stuff to completely dry and then break off one by one, which according to them, takes up to 72 hours. But then down below that, it says, if you spill it on any covered surfaces, use acetone.

[E]

Right.

[B]

To get it off. So I said, at this point, I have now called Jessica and I have confessed that I've actually glued my hand together.

[C]

All your manliness points just got wiped away and your octave level goes a little.

[B]

Honey. So I.

[C]

Can you come here for a second?

[B]

So I went and got a. So I asked Jessica, I'm like, can you go in the closet and see if we have any acetone? Thinking it's like a painting thinner thing. She goes, that's what you use to move nail polish remover.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She goes, that's no problem. So she goes and gets nail polish remover that she has and pours it in a bowl for me, and I stick my entire hand in the bowl. And I don't know if you've ever gotten acetone into an open cut, but it's horrible. It's the equivalent of holding your eyeball open and then holding a lighter to your eye. So I suffered through that. I was literally sweating.

[C]

So you had a cut on your hand?

[B]

Yes. So I was literally sweating, but I had to get this stuff off. It wasn't working. It was like getting all goopy, but it wasn't working. So Jessica goes. And that was like an acetone blend. She goes to get 100% acetone. So she has now left for CVS with my good hand. I Google this stuff to find out what it is. I still haven't told Jessica this, but it says on the website, if you get this on your skin, don't use acetone because it will dissolve the product, causing it to sink into the first layer of your skin.

[D]

Oh, no.

[B]

The only way to remove it is for the first layer of your skin to flake and fall off, which will happen over the next 24 hours.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

So if you look at my hand.

[C]

Oh, yes.

[B]

I have got no layer of skin on the four fingers of my left hand because I was trying to show Jessica what a ball of expanding foam looked like.

[C]

Are they still glued together?

[B]

No, they're apart. Look, Nanu nanu or whatever.

[C]

That's how long and prosper.

[B]

I am almost regretting what I did this today because then as you continue to read on the Internet, like you're supposed to get a pumice stone, you know what those are? Apparently it's a big girl thing, but use them on your feet and use it to scrape the dead skin off your hand, which I did this morning in the shower. You guys all turned on.

[C]

Did you save a flake of skin for me?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It looks really raw.

[B]

I'll sprinkle it in your coffee. Hey, Crystal.

[D]

So I'm sitting on the couch watching tv, just chilling. And my dad, who was a big guy, he's like six four. You know, he's heavy. He's a big guy. He's upstairs in the attic moving stuff, Right. I don't even know what he's doing. He's just up there messing around. And all of a sudden, this large body and pair of legs is like, dangling right over top of my head with the sheetrock and the insulation all falling down on top of me. He actually caught himself with his arms, but his legs are all lower bodies hanging out of our giant ceiling.

[C]

So, Jeff, do you have any related story to her dad? At least he caught himself with his arms.

[B]

Yeah, I did the same thing right when I moved into my house. I misstepped. I went right through two beams in the ceiling, and I fell into our guest bed.

[C]

Oh, it could have been so much more dangerous than that, though. I was in the entire floor. But yeah, yeah, I'm glad there was a bed. Hey, Scott landed where he did.

[B]

Scott, welcome to the show.

[C]

Oh, Scott.

[B]

Scott also fell through the ceiling.

[C]

Hey, we've had enough of those stories. I don't need to out myself right now.

[B]

Hey, Laura, welcome to the show.

[D]

Hi.

[B]

What's going on?

[D]

Oh, nothing. I just. My dad really, really taught. He just takes the cake. He doesn't have one story. He has multiple.

[B]

Okay, what's the best one?

[D]

Well, one of them, he knocked a hole in his head the size of a quarter while chopping wood.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

Underneath the parachute and got the ax caught in the parachute to yank on it until it came down and hit him in the head.

[B]

Oh, that's not.

[C]

That doesn't feel good. No, it doesn't feel good.

[D]

You know those cement things that catches like the water, like at the bottom of a gutter.

[B]

Yeah. Right. And spits it out in a different direction?

[D]

Yeah. He dropped one on his foot and was on crutches for a while.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

He used a 10 speed as a step ladder to get his fishing rod in the basement before we're on our way to panama city. So he's hemorrhaging all over the. All over the house. There's bloody footprints everywhere. He doesn't go to the hospital to get stitches. No. His solution was to go ahead and go to panama city. He proceeds to walk into the ocean, Stick his hand in the salt water. Because the salt water will heal it nice. That's the hole in his head had something to do with that one. That decision making skill. So, yeah, that's just the ones that I remember off the top of my head. He's not allowed on the roof of the house at all.

[B]

Oh, Laura, thank you.

[C]

I love the danger of getting on something with wheels in order to be your support to grab something that has a hook on it.

[B]

And you know what, here's the thing. Laura's gone. But I bet if we asked her, I bet the ladder was on only 6ft away from the 10 speed. Like. But there's a box in front of it. So I'm not going to move that box. I can use the ten speed. Hey, adam.

[D]

Hey.

[B]

What's going on?

[E]

How's it going?

[C]

Good.

[B]

I'm starting to feel better.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

I got.

[E]

I'm gonna try to help you out a little bit.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

All right. So I'm standing. I do a side job for Aaron's reynolds. And I'm tying in a ballast for a light. I'm standing up there. I know the thing's hot. I'm standing on the ladder propped up against the wall and I go to strip a wire, Grab the hot wire with my wire strippers in my right hand, Reach up there with my left hand and touch the metal on the wire strippers. Shocked the crap out of myself. About fell off the ladder and I yelled, Stopped everybody in the middle of the Aaron's rentals. They all stood up and looked at me.

[B]

And then you gotta. If you're a guy, you, gotta play it off like it's cool. It's like I'm good.

[E]

It's all good.

[B]

Totally solid. Totally solid.

[C]

It really didn't hurt.

[B]

Listen, it's the vert show.