Vault: Listeners Confess To Their Most Embarrassing Stories!

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault — Listeners Confess to Their Most Embarrassing Stories!

Episode Date: March 4, 2026
Theme: Hilarious, real-life confessions of listeners’ (and hosts’) most embarrassing moments—centered mostly on involuntary bowel mishaps in high-stress situations.

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🎙️ Episode Overview

This episode takes a comedic deep dive into the authenticity of the phrase “so scared you crap yourself.” The Bert Show team opens the phone lines and invites listeners to share their own—and others’—most embarrassing accidental moments, mostly centered around fear-induced (and sometimes not so fear-induced) loss of bowel control. Lively, irreverent, and full of laughs, the stories span everything from terrifying childhood punishments to crime scenes and even the morgue.

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🗝️ Key Discussion Points & Stories

1. Origins of the “Crap Yourself” Phrase

• Host Query
  • Jeff wonders aloud about the real-life origins of the phrase “scared the tish out of me.”

    “Cause is that just. I mean, every phrase has to have an origin somewhere. You know what I mean?” (Jeff, 01:35)

• Embarrassing Honesty Among Hosts
  • Wendy sheepishly confesses that, for her, it wasn’t fear or surprise, but illness (and recently!)

    “It wasn't even that long ago. Like, it was 7 o' clock actually this morning.” (Wendy, 02:14)

• The team clarifies: They’re really looking for fear-based, not illness-induced, stories.

2. Listeners’ Fear-Based Mishaps

• Sporting Goods Store Robbery [03:00]

  • Caller shares about a robbery where the suspect lost control when cornered by police.

    “...when the cops surrounded the guy, they said he went just right in his hand.” (Caller, 03:11)

  • Hosts riff on the embarrassment—Jeff jokes about not wanting his last memory to be that kind of accident.

• The Teabagging Incident at the Tea Plant [03:47]

  • Supervisor covers a coworker with tea bags as a prank; the cleaning guy freaks out and soils himself when the coworker jumps out.

    “...not only did the man faint, but he crapped his pants. And I lost my job.” (Susan, 04:11)

  • Maria is floored by the cause-and-effect.

    “That is a tragic teabagging story.” (Wendy, 04:38)

• Paramedic on Scene of a Car Accident [04:45]

  • Paramedic describes arriving at a multi-car pile-up and finding the shaken driver had soiled himself.

    “He literally crapped himself all over his car.” (Caller, 04:59)

• Drug Raid and Tighty Whities [05:03]

  • Former drug agent has a suspect lose composure (and more) during a search.

    “The guy crapped himself. He was wearing tighty whiteies.” (Caller, 05:13)

  • Jeff jokes:

    “How come the only people who wear tighty whities are criminals and Homer Simpson?” (Jeff, 05:19)

• Childhood Chores Gone Wrong [05:34]

  • Listener Neil recounts being so terrified of parental punishment that he soiled himself as a child:

    “My parents... were chasing me around my room, and I literally crapped myself.” (Neil, 05:40)

  • Wendy deadpans:

    “You pooped yourself over chores? ...Be a man.” (Wendy, 05:51/05:57)

• Morgue Internship Mass Panic [06:02]

  • Jody talks about a group of interns touring a morgue, witnessing a dead body’s eye opening unexpectedly, sending everyone (literally) running—to the bathroom.

    “For some reason, the guy's eye opened and it closed back and everybody, including me, ran screaming. And. Yes, we all. All of you, all of us.” (Jody, 06:08)

  • Maria’s reaction:

    “Holy crap. His one eye opened.” (Maria, 06:42)

3. Beyond Fear—Other Embarrassing Bodily Mishaps

• Orgasm-Induced Accident [07:04]
  • Kara calls in, pushing the envelope:

    “How about during an orgasm?” (Kara, 07:06)

  • The team dissolves in shock and laughter.

    “He was pretty fine with it because he realized that it was something that he had done.” (Kara, 07:22)

  • Maria exclaims:

    “Oh, what? No, no, no.” (Maria, 07:14)

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💬 Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the embarrassment factor:

  “If I was about to die, I don't want to be the guy who crapped... I don't want that to be the last memory.”
  — Jeff (03:26)

• On group embarrassment:

  “It was a group crapping.”
  — Jeff (06:36)

• On unexpected hazards of pranks:

  “That is a tragic teabagging story.”
  — Wendy (04:38)

• On intimate mishaps:

  “Actually, he was pretty fine with it because he realized that it was something that he had done.”
  — Kara (07:22)

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⏰ Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:53 — Jeff introduces the topic: “Ever been so scared you crapped yourself?”
• 02:14 — Wendy admits to recent (non-fear-based) incident
• 02:59 — First listener call: robbed sporting goods store
• 03:47 — Tea bag work prank gone wrong
• 04:45 — Paramedic’s auto accident account
• 05:03 — Former drug agent with “tighty whiteies” suspect
• 05:34 — Listener Neil: childhood fear and chores
• 06:02 — Jody: morgue internship horror
• 07:04 — Kara: accidental mishap during intimacy

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🎧 Episode Tone & Vibe

The Bert Show continues its trademark blend of candidness, irreverence, and good-natured ribbing. The cast teases each other, encourages honesty, and welcomes listeners’ outlandish stories with warmth and laughter. The episode is flush with awkward honesty, playful shaming, and the unfiltered humor that has made the show beloved.

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Summary:
If you’ve ever wondered just how real the phrase “so scared you crap yourself” can get, this episode delivers with uproarious, cringe-worthy tales—both from listeners and hosts—about losing control in life’s wildest moments. The result: laughter, solidarity in mortification, and a universal reminder that sometimes, embarrassment just happens.

Transcript

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[Jeff]

The bird show okay, this is only going to take one phone call. Por favor.

[Wendy]

I can't even remember why you got curious about this.

[Jeff]

It's the way my mind works. It's brilliance you'll never be able to comprehend.

[Maria]

Be afraid.

[Jeff]

I have no interest in tragic stories. You know it. No interest in. And something funny. Yep. It's gonna be fun stories. I'll screen out your tragedy. Have you ever legitimately been so scared that you crapped yourself? Because you all. You all know the phrase, you know,

[Maria]

I blanked my pants?

[Wendy]

Yeah, that pooped my pants.

[Jeff]

Scared the tish out of me. You know what I mean?

[Caller/Guest]

Mm.

[Jeff]

So has that ever literally happened?

[Wendy]

So there you are in netherworld or whatever, and you didn't.

[Jeff]

You've been so frightened that you literally

[Wendy]

lost control of your mouth.

[Jeff]

Cause is that just. I mean, every phrase has to have an origin somewhere. You know what I mean? Wendy, have you ever been so scared that you crapped yourself?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I've never crapped myself.

[Jeff]

Burt.

[Wendy]

Not scared.

[Jeff]

Melissa.

[Maria]

Wait a second. Based on alcohol.

[Wendy]

Sick.

[Maria]

You've really done it? Yeah, the past few weeks. You really did.

[Wendy]

Yeah. I mean, it wasn't full on or anything, but yeah, I was sick.

[Jeff]

Oh.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Wendy]

I'm not proud of it.

[Maria]

How about the rest of you? There's an awkward pause.

[Wendy]

I'm the only one in here. That's honest. That's all. It wasn't even that long ago. Like, it was 7 o' clock actually this morning.

[Jeff]

People are calling, by the way.

[Wendy]

So these are just based on being. This is fear. These aren't. This isn't illness induced. This is you. You were so scared.

[Maria]

Something literally scared the crap out of you, right? No, that has not happened to me. Me either.

[Jeff]

Hobby.

[Maria]

It hasn't happened.

[Jeff]

Hobby.

[Maria]

Scared.

[Wendy]

Blankless Based on being scared or overall.

[Maria]

Overall.

[Jeff]

Or drunk?

[Maria]

Nope. We got pretty control of the bowels, Jeff thinks.

[Jeff]

Not this week.

[Maria]

Ever.

[Jeff]

That paper. Wide to the mouth.

[Wendy]

Really?

[Caller/Guest]

Show me.

[Wendy]

Ashley, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. It happened to me, but my brother worked at a sporting goods store. And they got robbed one time, and the cops showed up. He hit the emergency button, and when the cops surrounded the guy, they said he went just right in his hand.

[Wendy]

Really?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

The guy who got surrounded?

[Caller/Guest]

The guy who was robbing him?

[Maria]

Yeah, the guy who was up behind the counter. Yeah, I could see that. Oh, yeah. Somebody pulls a gun on you, you think your life is flashing before you.

[Wendy]

I didn't really think that. I didn't really. I thought everything would tighten up more than anything.

[Jeff]

Yeah. I would try my best not to. Because if something. If I was about to die, I don't want to be the guy who crapped. I don't want that to be. The last memory is. Oh, crap, I crapped myself. Darkness.

[Maria]

Yeah, right.

[Wendy]

Neil, I'm gonna put you on hold right now. You might be my close call. Okay? Sure. Hold on.

[Maria]

Oh, no.

[Wendy]

Good morning, Susan. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning. I was a supervisor at a tea packing plant. And we had covered a guy in tea bags. And we had another guy that was there to clean him up. And as he started cleaning him up, the guys popped out of the tea bags. And not only did the man faint, but he crapped his pants. And I lost my job.

[Maria]

You lost your job?

[Caller/Guest]

I did. But I tell you, I was infamous.

[Jeff]

Hey, listen, just so you know, if I own the teabag company, let me tell you something. The person who would get fired would be the one who crapped himself in the office.

[Maria]

There you go.

[Wendy]

He can't be trapped.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, they wanted to have me arrested. I mean, they were really upset. And I thought I would be eating grits and toast for the weekend.

[Wendy]

That is a tragic teabagging story. Good morning, Q100.

[Jeff]

Teabagging lesson.

[Wendy]

Hey, Eric.

[Caller/Guest]

I am paramedic here in Cobb County. And I was working, not working. I was on my way home from work, and I watched this truck literally roll over four or five cars in front of me and stopped to make sure he was okay. And he literally crapped himself all over his car. Really?

[Maria]

That'll do it.

[Wendy]

Chris, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. Good morning, guys.

[Jeff]

Good morning.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm actually a former drug agent, and I did a search warrant on a house and went through the front door, and the guy Crapped himself. He was wearing tighty whiteies.

[Wendy]

It didn't take long at all.

[Jeff]

How come the only people who wear tighty whities are criminals and Homer Simpson

[Maria]

and end up on the show Cops?

[Wendy]

Common thread here is that it's just guys calling in for this, of course.

[Caller/Guest]

Good morning.

[Wendy]

Neil, you are on Q100. Hi.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey.

[Wendy]

How's it going? Good.

[Caller/Guest]

All right. Well, when I was a little kid,

[Wendy]

you know, I did something stupid.

[Caller/Guest]

My parents, like, you know, I didn't do my chores or something, so they were chasing me around my room, and I literally crapped myself. And, you know, they're trying to, like, you know, smack me around or whatever, and I literally crapped myself. And they couldn't even do anything.

[Wendy]

They're just like, clean yourself up. So you pooped yourself over chores? Over not doing chores.

[Caller/Guest]

I pooped myself over chores.

[Wendy]

Be a man. Good morning, Jody.

[Caller/Guest]

Hi. Good morning. You guys are great, by the way. I love you all.

[Wendy]

Thank you. Not right now, but in general, but

[Caller/Guest]

anyway, Me and five other interns, we went to the morgue, and we were looking at how there were embalming bodies and opening them up. And we went to this other table. This guy just came in, and for some reason, the guy's eye opened and it closed back and everybody, including me, ran screaming. And. Yes, we all. All of you, all of us. And we didn't even want to go back in.

[Jeff]

It was a group crapping.

[Wendy]

I had to go land on that. No, that's a hard one to be.

[Maria]

Can you. I would crap myself. Holy crap. His one eye opened.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh.

[Wendy]

Does that happen, like, based on, like, just muscle stuff going on there?

[Maria]

Probably just like a convulsion or something. I would definitely crap myself.

[Wendy]

Go ahead, Kara.

[Caller/Guest]

Hey.

[Maria]

Hey.

[Caller/Guest]

So this last little segment you were doing about when it happened. How about during an orgasm?

[Maria]

Oh, what? No, no, no.

[Wendy]

Really? How do you explain that?

[Caller/Guest]

Actually, he was pretty fine with it because he realized that it was something that he had done.

[Maria]

Brag about that.

[Wendy]

There's some honor in that, I guess. Okay.

[Jeff]

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