The Bert Show: Vault — Listeners Confess to Their Most Embarrassing Stories!

Episode Date: March 4, 2026
Theme: Hilarious, real-life confessions of listeners’ (and hosts’) most embarrassing moments—centered mostly on involuntary bowel mishaps in high-stress situations.

🎙️ Episode Overview

This episode takes a comedic deep dive into the authenticity of the phrase “so scared you crap yourself.” The Bert Show team opens the phone lines and invites listeners to share their own—and others’—most embarrassing accidental moments, mostly centered around fear-induced (and sometimes not so fear-induced) loss of bowel control. Lively, irreverent, and full of laughs, the stories span everything from terrifying childhood punishments to crime scenes and even the morgue.

🗝️ Key Discussion Points & Stories

1. Origins of the “Crap Yourself” Phrase

• Host Query
  • Jeff wonders aloud about the real-life origins of the phrase “scared the tish out of me.”

    “Cause is that just. I mean, every phrase has to have an origin somewhere. You know what I mean?” (Jeff, 01:35)

• Embarrassing Honesty Among Hosts
  • Wendy sheepishly confesses that, for her, it wasn’t fear or surprise, but illness (and recently!)

    “It wasn't even that long ago. Like, it was 7 o' clock actually this morning.” (Wendy, 02:14)

• The team clarifies: They’re really looking for fear-based, not illness-induced, stories.

2. Listeners’ Fear-Based Mishaps

• Sporting Goods Store Robbery [03:00]

  • Caller shares about a robbery where the suspect lost control when cornered by police.

    “...when the cops surrounded the guy, they said he went just right in his hand.” (Caller, 03:11)

  • Hosts riff on the embarrassment—Jeff jokes about not wanting his last memory to be that kind of accident.

• The Teabagging Incident at the Tea Plant [03:47]

  • Supervisor covers a coworker with tea bags as a prank; the cleaning guy freaks out and soils himself when the coworker jumps out.

    “...not only did the man faint, but he crapped his pants. And I lost my job.” (Susan, 04:11)

  • Maria is floored by the cause-and-effect.

    “That is a tragic teabagging story.” (Wendy, 04:38)

• Paramedic on Scene of a Car Accident [04:45]

  • Paramedic describes arriving at a multi-car pile-up and finding the shaken driver had soiled himself.

    “He literally crapped himself all over his car.” (Caller, 04:59)

• Drug Raid and Tighty Whities [05:03]

  • Former drug agent has a suspect lose composure (and more) during a search.

    “The guy crapped himself. He was wearing tighty whiteies.” (Caller, 05:13)

  • Jeff jokes:

    “How come the only people who wear tighty whities are criminals and Homer Simpson?” (Jeff, 05:19)

• Childhood Chores Gone Wrong [05:34]

  • Listener Neil recounts being so terrified of parental punishment that he soiled himself as a child:

    “My parents... were chasing me around my room, and I literally crapped myself.” (Neil, 05:40)

  • Wendy deadpans:

    “You pooped yourself over chores? ...Be a man.” (Wendy, 05:51/05:57)

• Morgue Internship Mass Panic [06:02]

  • Jody talks about a group of interns touring a morgue, witnessing a dead body’s eye opening unexpectedly, sending everyone (literally) running—to the bathroom.

    “For some reason, the guy's eye opened and it closed back and everybody, including me, ran screaming. And. Yes, we all. All of you, all of us.” (Jody, 06:08)

  • Maria’s reaction:

    “Holy crap. His one eye opened.” (Maria, 06:42)

3. Beyond Fear—Other Embarrassing Bodily Mishaps

• Orgasm-Induced Accident [07:04]
  • Kara calls in, pushing the envelope:

    “How about during an orgasm?” (Kara, 07:06)

  • The team dissolves in shock and laughter.

    “He was pretty fine with it because he realized that it was something that he had done.” (Kara, 07:22)

  • Maria exclaims:

    “Oh, what? No, no, no.” (Maria, 07:14)

💬 Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the embarrassment factor:

  “If I was about to die, I don't want to be the guy who crapped... I don't want that to be the last memory.”
  — Jeff (03:26)

• On group embarrassment:

  “It was a group crapping.”
  — Jeff (06:36)

• On unexpected hazards of pranks:

  “That is a tragic teabagging story.”
  — Wendy (04:38)

• On intimate mishaps:

  “Actually, he was pretty fine with it because he realized that it was something that he had done.”
  — Kara (07:22)

⏰ Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:53 — Jeff introduces the topic: “Ever been so scared you crapped yourself?”
• 02:14 — Wendy admits to recent (non-fear-based) incident
• 02:59 — First listener call: robbed sporting goods store
• 03:47 — Tea bag work prank gone wrong
• 04:45 — Paramedic’s auto accident account
• 05:03 — Former drug agent with “tighty whiteies” suspect
• 05:34 — Listener Neil: childhood fear and chores
• 06:02 — Jody: morgue internship horror
• 07:04 — Kara: accidental mishap during intimacy

🎧 Episode Tone & Vibe

The Bert Show continues its trademark blend of candidness, irreverence, and good-natured ribbing. The cast teases each other, encourages honesty, and welcomes listeners’ outlandish stories with warmth and laughter. The episode is flush with awkward honesty, playful shaming, and the unfiltered humor that has made the show beloved.

Summary:
If you’ve ever wondered just how real the phrase “so scared you crap yourself” can get, this episode delivers with uproarious, cringe-worthy tales—both from listeners and hosts—about losing control in life’s wildest moments. The result: laughter, solidarity in mortification, and a universal reminder that sometimes, embarrassment just happens.