Vault: Listeners Share Wild Nicknames for Ex-Lovers.

Summary

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The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Listeners Share Wild Nicknames for Ex-Lovers
Date: May 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this riotous and candid episode, The Bert Show casts a spotlight on the hilarious, biting, and sometimes cringey nicknames listeners have given to their ex-lovers based on infamous bedroom misadventures. With a rapid-fire of listener call-ins, hosts Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the crew riff on the wisdom (or madness) of how one wild move can earn a lifetime moniker. The mood is irreverent, unfiltered, and packed with laugh-out-loud moments as the show dives into the art of naming exes—without getting (too) graphic.

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Key Discussion Points & Caller Highlights

Why Do Exes Earn Nicknames?

• Opening Context [00:07]:
  The hosts set up the show’s theme: sharing the most outlandish nicknames listeners have for ex-lovers, often inspired by “one move” gone wrong.
• Bert (A):
  “Most women have a former lover in their past that was so bad that he has earned a nickname.”
• Kristin (B):
  “Come on, guys—these nicknames basically tell the story!”

Early Examples and Host Stories

• The Stabber [00:17]:
  An ex whose bedroom technique was so pointed he earned this knife-sharp nickname.
  Quote: “He’s the Stabber. That’s how she’ll refer to him because she tells the story to all of her friends…” – Bert (A) [00:34]
• Slurpee [01:04]:
  Melissa relates a friend’s ex who got this nickname for, well, excessive enthusiasm:
  “His saliva would come out of his mouth everywhere he pressed his lips. So it was on my neck, my ear, my mouth... So, I mean, it would come up amongst Melissa’s girlfriends. Every time they go to a 7 11. They’d be like, ‘hey, Melissa, you want a slurpee?’” – Kristin (B) [01:07]
• The Jackhammer/Roadrunner [01:41]:
  The hosts admit nicknames go both ways, with “The Jackhammer” cited as a classic for guys with, shall we say, single-minded technique.

Listener Call-ins: The Funniest Nicknames

[02:14] – “Chewy”

• Not a lover, but a friend’s ex received this nickname. Direction left to the imagination!

[03:17] – The Wee Man

• A (host): “Just the name!”
• Caller (D): “The Wee Man.”
  The group breaks into laughter—subtle implications trump explanation.

[03:24] – Littlefoot

• Another diminutive nickname, just as gently savage as “Wee Man.”

[03:30] – The Jackhammer

• Caller (D): “We called him The Jackhammer.”
• Bert: “Yeah, that one can go both ways.”

[03:47] – “FP” / Freak Penis

• Caller (D): “My friend’s nickname for her ex was FP. Freak Penis.”
• The hosts’ reactions range from bemused to scandalized as circumcision and even “aardvark” come up.
  “One of my former roommates was the aardvark.” – Bert (A) [04:10]

[04:45] – Squishy

• Caller (D): “We called him Squishy.”
• Host (A): “That’s not a good one. Terrible.”
• Kristin (B): “Little Squishy Mooc. Squisherson.”

[05:03] – The Choker [Voice Disguised]

• Nickname prompting confusion (“Was this about…?”) and immediate unease.
  “She needed to be. She’s still scared of that guy.” – Bert (A) [05:13]

[05:28] – The Plunger

• “And it only probably took three. Plunge. Plunge. PlunGE.”
  The co-hosts riff on this one, inventing full scenarios.
  “And I’m out.” – Bert (A) [05:43]

[05:55] – The Pig Farmer

• “Was he a pig farmer?” “He was a pig farmer.”
• Prompting the hosts to laugh at literalism:
  “That’s not really a nickname as much as it is a description. The profession’s job.” – Host (C) [06:04]

[06:18] – The Vampire Pickle Boy

• Universally declared a terrific band name.
• Mystery abounds:
  “I think I know, but I can’t tell you on there. You have to turn off our mics.” – Kristin (B) [06:30]
• The group chooses to leave this one’s meaning unresolved for the audience's imagination.

[07:05] – Mr. False Start

• Leading to a chorus of “Offsides!” from the group.

[07:18] – The Scraper

• “Is that with fingers or–?” “No, no, that’s with the–. Yeah, we’ve talked about that before. Either you’re really good at that or you’re not good at all.”
  The group cringes in sympathy.

[07:39] – Vegas & The Chin Licker

• One caller gives two for the price of one:
  “My ex we call Vegas, and her ex, Chin Licker.”
• The “Chin Licker” is a guy whose specialty was, apparently, smothering with kisses to the point of including the chin.
• Host (B): “The Chin Licker is hilarious. And, you know, that’s all they refer to him as in her group of friends.” [08:04]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the universality of giving nicknames
  “This can work for guys, too, with women, because we do the same thing.” – Bert (A) [01:31]

• On bad technique
  “Just for the record, no man should have a nickname for a penis.” – Host (C) [04:22]

• On taking bad advice
  “I think this is in the Bible. But you’re not supposed to take lovemaking advice from a guy named Alfie.” – Host (C) [03:06]

• On caller nicknames
  “Plunge. Plunge. PlunGE.” – Bert (A) [05:41] “The Chin Licker is hilarious…” – Kristin (B) [08:04]

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Standout Timestamps

• [00:07] – Introduction to the Nickname Game
• [01:04] – Melissa’s “Slurpee” story
• [03:17] – The Wee Man & Littlefoot
• [03:47] – “FP” and the “aardvark” detour
• [04:45] – The Squishy call
• [05:03] – “The Choker” (disguised voice)
• [05:28] – “The Plunger” and ensuing laugh fest
• [06:18] – “Vampire Pickle Boy”
• [07:05] – “Mr. False Start”
• [07:18] – “The Scraper”
• [07:39] – “Vegas” and “Chin Licker”

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Tone and Takeaways

The Bert Show tackles the cringey and comedic side of dating history with their signature mix of cheeky banter and uninhibited honesty. Listeners and hosts alike seem to embrace the catharsis found in giving, and sharing, those perfect ex-nicknames. Whether to laugh or to wince in solidarity, this episode is a reminder: everyone’s got a “Stabber,” “Slurpee,” or “Chin Licker” in their past–and sometimes, you just gotta share the story.

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Transcript

[A]

It's the vert show.

[B]

You could say poo. No, that's nasty.

[A]

I want to see if we can get you guys on the phone, because Jeff was just talking about this poor guy, and I think most women have a former lover in their past that was so bad that he has earned a nickname. You know, in this case, this guy's going to be the Stabber for the

[C]

rest of his life among this group of girls because of his emotion, his technique during the. During sex. He's the stabber.

[A]

He's the stabber. That's how she'll refer to him because she tells the story to all of her friends, and somebody in the group nicknames him the Stabber. And whenever his real name comes up or whenever he comes up again, they'll refer to him as the Stabber. And everybody knows who he is. So give us a call right now. We don't want to know the history behind and or the technique. We just want to know the nickname, and then I think we'll be able to figure out exactly what he was doing wrong. 404-741. Q100. Melissa accidentally sort of told us about one of them earlier this morning.

[B]

Well, there was this guy when I dated guys. There's this one guy who, when we made out, it was. Well, it was one time, I got to say. And it was just. He was a slobber, dude. I don't know what to call him. Because he's Slurpee. Slurpee. Because he's Slurpee. His saliva would come out of his mouth everywhere he pressed his lips. So it was on my neck, my ear, my mouth. It was so. So. I mean, it would come up amongst Melissa's girlfriends. Every time they go to a 7 11. They'd be like, hey, Melissa, you want to slurping? Yeah, slurping.

[A]

God, it's tough. This can work for guys, too, with women, because we do the same thing. So

[C]

what do you got?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

I know the technique, but I don't know the proper nickname that I would give her.

[C]

See, I don't. I don't think I've ever done this as a guy.

[A]

Maybe the jackhammer. Oh, yeah, you just got. Yeah, the roadrunner. I don't know the conversation we were

[C]

having off the air. We could have the wet back.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, wet back.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Don't tell us what it was all about, Mike. Just tell us the nickname that you use for the really bad ex lover.

[D]

It wasn't my ex lover. I actually had a friend in New Hampshire who Was a girl, but she nicknamed her ex boyfriend Chewy.

[A]

Thank you, sir. That's all we need from you. Thank you.

[C]

They could go in a couple different directions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

404, 741.

[C]

None of them good.

[B]

Did one of your friends burn motorboat?

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

He could have been the motorboat.

[A]

It wasn't one of my friends, but one of my dudes in Texas swore that was the greatest maneuver ever. Alfie. And he was the motorboater. I remember, like, sitting around going, if you really want. He's saying, if you really want to satisfy Stacy, this is the way you do it. Making the motorboat sound really dude. And I think I probably tried it.

[C]

Just for the record.

[A]

What is going on?

[C]

I think this is in the Bible. But you're not supposed to take lovemaking advice from a guy named Alfie.

[A]

Hey, Mimi. Good morning.

[D]

Hi. Good morning.

[A]

Hi. Now, just the name. Just the name of the Nick. The really bad ex lover.

[D]

The Wee Man.

[A]

That's easy.

[B]

The Wee Man.

[A]

Okay. Ouch.

[B]

I had a friend call a guy Littlefoot.

[C]

Aw.

[A]

Lynn. Hey, Lynn.

[D]

Hello. Hello.

[A]

Good morning.

[D]

Good morning. We called him the Jackhammer.

[A]

Yeah, that one can go both ways. 404-741. Q100. Hey, Nicole. Good morning.

[D]

Good morning.

[A]

How are you?

[D]

Good. How are you?

[A]

Great.

[D]

My friend's nickname for her ex was fp.

[A]

F as in Frank?

[D]

Correct.

[A]

F, P. We're gonna need a little more than that.

[C]

Gonna be a tough one.

[D]

Freak penis.

[A]

Freak what?

[D]

Freak penis.

[C]

Freak penis.

[A]

Did he have one of those things that went up?

[D]

No. Circumcision.

[A]

Oh, the aardvark. Yeah, One of my former roommates was the aardvark. Dude,

[C]

Just for the record, no man should have a nickname for a penis.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

[A]

You guys ever seen those ones that bend, like, straight up? Like, they go like this way? Nope. Me neither. Good morning. Whitney, you're on Q100.

[D]

Hi.

[A]

Hey.

[D]

We called him Squishy.

[A]

Squishy.

[B]

That's not a good one.

[A]

That's not good at all. Terrible.

[D]

Poor guy.

[B]

Little Squishy Mooc. Squisherson.

[A]

Hey, Amber. Good morning. You're on the Voice Disguiser.

[D]

Hi. His name was the Choker.

[A]

The Choker?

[D]

Yes. Ooh.

[A]

Fred'll freak you out. Okay, thank you.

[D]

Thanks.

[A]

She needed to be. She's still scared of that guy.

[C]

Well, that could have been him. Maybe he just got something caught in his throat when he was. He started choking.

[A]

All right, the. The nickname that you still use for your former really bad ex lover.

[D]

The Plunger.

[B]

The Plunger. Oh, that's awesome. And it only probably took three. Plunge. Plunge. PlunGE.

[C]

Done.

[A]

And I'm out.

[B]

Free flush.

[C]

Pre plunger.

[A]

Good morning, Q100.

[D]

Yes. Hello.

[A]

Hello, Hello.

[D]

Yes. The pig farmer.

[A]

The pig farmer. Was he a pig farmer?

[D]

He was a pig farmer.

[C]

Okay, well, that's not really a nickname as much as it is a description.

[A]

The profession's job. I called him the Lawyer. Good morning, Q100. Hi.

[D]

Hi. I had an ex boyfriend that we called the Vampire Pickle Boy.

[A]

The Vampire Pickle.

[C]

It's a great band name.

[A]

Can anybody. Is anybody drawing a.

[C]

Is it.

[B]

Oh, I think I know, but I can't tell you on there. You have to turn off our mics.

[A]

Okay, hold on one second. Okay. We'll be right back in one sec.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[B]

Aha. Is that it?

[A]

Did you hear that?

[D]

Did I hear what?

[A]

What Jen's guess was on that one? The Vampire. Vampire Pickle. Okay, we'll just leave it at that. Yeah, we'll leave it at that.

[C]

Jen's obviously dated him.

[A]

404-741. Q1. These are fun.

[C]

VPB.

[A]

Hey, Pam. Good morning.

[D]

Hey, how are you? I'm fine.

[A]

All right. The nickname you still use for the

[D]

former ex lover, Mr. False Start

[C]

Offsides.

[A]

Rich. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[D]

Hey, man.

[A]

Hey. What's up?

[D]

Not much. The ex I have, we used to call it a scraper.

[A]

Oh, ouch.

[C]

That's not good.

[A]

Yeah, that's bad.

[B]

Is that with fingers or.

[A]

No, no, that's with the. Yeah, we've talked about that before. Either you're really good at that or you're not good at all. Sorry. Hi, Natasha.

[D]

Hi.

[A]

Good morning.

[D]

I have two. One's from one of my exes and one's from a friend, my ex we call Vegas, and her ex, Chin Licker.

[A]

Chin Licker. His move was the chin lick. I need to know this one. So he used to just lick her chin?

[D]

No, that's just like how he kisses. Like he eats her whole face and her chin.

[B]

That's gnarly. The Chin Licker is hilarious. And, you know, that's all they refer to him as in her group of friends.

[D]

Gross.

[B]

Oh, that's funny. I haven't seen Vegas was chin and liquor and Slurpeer Brothers.

[A]

Dear Virtue.