Vault: Listeners Think She Needs to Confess

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Listeners Think She Needs to Confess"

Date: May 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into a classic Bert Show dilemma: a listener named Paula has built her entire relationship on a lie and faces increasing pressure to come clean. The panel, joined by callers, debates whether honesty is always the best policy when a lie grows out of proportion, especially as Paula's boyfriend is about to propose. The show is a blend of real talk, humor, and raw listener interaction, with the cast walking a tightrope between empathy and tough love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Paula's Dilemma (00:15–00:46)

• Background:
  Paula lied to her boyfriend, claiming that she had also been cheated on by a previous fiancé, mirroring his painful past to better connect with him.
• Current Situation:
  The relationship is now 18 months in, moving towards engagement, and her fabricated story risks being exposed.
• Core Question:
  Should Paula confess the truth, or is it too late to undo the lie?

Caller Reactions: The Case for Coming Clean

• Marion’s Strong Stance (01:02)

  • "Her whole relationship is based on a lie. If she wants to keep this guy, she has got to come clean with him." — Marion (01:09)
  • Marion equates Paula’s dishonesty with the pain caused by cheating and stresses that continuing the lie invalidates the relationship.
  • The hosts agree, acknowledging the severity:
    • "Ouch. I mean, that's kind of... I'm not gonna argue with you because you sound right." — Host (01:30, 01:34)

• Michelle Offers Empathy But No Excuses (01:47)

  • Michelle feels for Paula but draws a parallel with common “guy moves,” where men lie early in relationships to gain favor.
    • "That is a total guy move. It was a total guy move on her part." — Michelle (01:56)
  • Adds that while honesty will hurt, it’s the only ethical option.

Relating to Relationship Lies – Humor & Perspective (02:13–02:45)

• Hosts swap stories about people lying about allergies, heritage, or experiences just to impress someone.
• "You make up your nationality...and then you meet, like, she comes to meet your family, and they're, like, Japanese." — Host (02:16)
• This segment lightens the mood but underscores how lies inevitably lead to awkward or untenable situations.

Paula’s Direct Input (03:02–03:55)

• She confides that the lie was mostly discussed in the first four months but faded after that.
  • "During the first, like, four months...it was something that we talked about a lot. But then over the past year, it hasn't come up at all." — Paula (03:02)
• She minimized her story to always sound less dramatic than her boyfriend’s.

More Listener Feedback: Alternative Views

• Karen Advocates Letting It Go (04:08)

  • Suggests Paula maintain the lie, orchestrate family cover stories, and move on.
  • The hosts push back:
    • "You can't ask your family to engage in your lie." — Host (04:43)
    • Raises the risk of family members refusing to participate or sabotaging the secret.

• Brittany Seeks Show's Intervention (05:20)

  • Proposes the Bert Show orchestrate Paula’s confession on air, or roleplay an encounter with the fake ex.
  • The panel jokes about past on-air interventions but recognizes the absurdity.

• David Endorses Avoidance (06:11)

  • Suggests Paula simply ask her boyfriend not to discuss the topic, citing ongoing emotional pain.
  • The hosts dismiss this as impractical and cowardly.

The Panel’s Final Consensus

• Hosts Press for Immediate Honesty (07:23, 08:07)

  • "There is no option except coming clean with this guy. There is zero wiggle room here." — Host (07:36)
  • Paula agrees, recognizing that nothing else makes sense:
    • "It doesn't seem like any of it's gonna make sense unless I just... tell the truth." — Paula (08:00)
  • The hosts urge quick action, especially before the engagement becomes official.

• Deal Breaker? Mixed Predictions (08:20–08:51)

  • Hosts debate whether this lie is a relationship killer.
  • Some think it’s surmountable, others (“Jen”) warn that the scale of deceit may make it irreparable.
    • "I think he's gonna have a real issue. She played along way too much." — Jen (08:37)

Paula’s “What If” Scenario and Humor (09:03–09:21)

• Paula jokes about hiding the truth until they’re grandparents, only to have the hosts quip about age and honesty.
• "I wouldn't wait till then." — Host (09:17)

Final Thoughts & Follow-Up (09:25–09:54)

• Paula commits to updating the show.
  • The hosts stress the importance of timely honesty:
    • "Don't give yourself too much time... The more you think about it, the more you won't do it." — Host (09:45–09:48)

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Memorable Quotes with Timestamps

• "Her whole relationship is based on a lie. If she wants to keep this guy, she has got to come clean with him." — Marion (01:09)
• "You can't ask your family to engage in your lie." — Host (04:43)
• "It doesn't seem like any of it's gonna make sense unless I just, you know, tell the truth." — Paula (08:00)
• "There is no option except coming clean with this guy. There is zero wiggle room here." — Host (07:36)
• "I think he's gonna have a real issue. She played a long Way too much." — Jen (08:37)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Paula's full backstory and dilemma: 00:15–00:47
• First impactful caller (Marion): 01:02–01:39
• Paula explains how often the lie came up: 03:02–03:32
• Karen suggests continuing the lie: 04:08–04:43
• Panel consensus on coming clean: 07:23–08:07
• Debate on whether it’s a deal breaker: 08:20–08:51
• Paula agrees to update the show: 09:25–09:54

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Tone and Takeaway

The episode is candid, playful, and brutally honest. The panel injects humor but maintains empathy for Paula’s predicament, ultimately insisting that real relationships require real honesty—even when the fallout may be painful. Through listener calls and in-studio debate, the show illustrates The Bert Show’s classic blend of warmth, comedy, and practical wisdom.

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If you’ve ever gotten yourself in too deep with “just a little white lie,” Paula’s saga—and the chorus of honest, funny advice—will hit home.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

Get it the Birch Show. Paula here needs your help. She's been lying for about a year and a half.

[C]

Yeah. She has told her soon to be fiance that she has gone through the same thing that he has. He had a former fiance who cheated on him and they broke up. Her friend in order to get them together said she'd gone through the same experience. Well, she went along with that story and has been going along with it ever since. Well, now she's realizing this is a bigger deal to him than it ever was to her. And she's wondering, should she come clean?

[A]

So your. Your advice for her? Does she come clean? Does she just let it go? She can't just let it go. It's gonna come up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like Jen said, parents are gonna be around. It's gonna come up.

[B]

Details.

[A]

Here is Marion. Good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[D]

Good morning. Hello, everyone. Listen, her whole relationship is based on a lie. If she wants to keep this guy, she has got to come clean with him.

[C]

Mm.

[D]

I feel like. I mean. I mean. I mean, you lied to this guy to get with him. She should have come clean right away. As soon as they started hitting it off, she should have been honest with them. I think that she is just as bad as the girl he cheated on. And because their relationship's not real, she's lived with this guilt the whole time, and she needs to come clean if she wants to keep them.

[A]

Ouch. I mean, that's kind of.

[D]

Sorry. That's the plain truth.

[A]

Okay, I'm not gonna argue with you because you sound right.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

She's a person who would use your middle name if she knew it.

[A]

Just the way she said listen.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Good morning, Michelle. You're on Q100. Hi.

[E]

Hey, guys. I. I feel bad for her.

[D]

I don't condone what she did, and I know when she comes clean, it's gonna wreck her relationship. But that is a total guy move. It was a total guy move on her part. It is.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That is something a dude would do. Where like in the beginning he says,

[D]

you know, oh, yeah, baby, I know how you feel.

[A]

Saying anything you can to hook up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because you know, she's only gonna be around three weeks. Big deal.

[C]

You make up your nationality. That's completely not yours. Like, oh, yeah, I'm from Germany, too. Yeah. Deep roots in Ger. And then you meet, like, she comes to meet your family, and they're, like, Japanese.

[B]

Who was it who told the story about the guy who was. The hot girl had cats, but he was deathly allergic to cats.

[C]

He told her he liked cats.

[B]

Yeah, he's like, I love him, but that would just, like, totally juice up on Claritin. Before I went over to his house, and he was awake for, like, four days.

[C]

It's a little different than being engaged before.

[A]

Bad details, Paula, you had how many times. If you were Counting back now, 18 months. How many times did it come up in conversation where you just could have put a stop to it and say, look, look, look, look, look, look. Let's just set the record straight right now.

[E]

I would say that during the first, like, four months or so, it was, like, something that we talked about a lot. You talked about a lot. But then over the past year, it hasn't come up at all. So it was really a beginning of the relationship thing that went away.

[C]

It just depends how detailed you got in those conversations and what you, like, you mapped out.

[E]

Well, you know, I always tried to. I always tried to make it like my situation wasn't as bad as his. Like, oh, you know, like, your. Your wedding was only, you know, a month away. Like, we broke up a few months before my wedding. Like, I feel like it made. Like

[C]

that makes it even worse.

[A]

He calls up to check in with her, and she's like, oh, you know what? Today's just a bad day. Some days are good, some days are bad. Something like this can last with you forever.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

All right, so Karen here, I think, is going to tell you that, you know, she just thinks you should let it go. Hey, Karen. Good morning.

[D]

Good morning.

[A]

Hi.

[E]

Hi.

[D]

How are you?

[A]

Okay, thank you.

[D]

Good. Yes. I think that her relationship has gone to the point now she should probably just let it go. I'm sure she can cover some kind of way, especially since she tried to downplay it. I mean, she could just kind of tell her family to say it was something. You know, a quick engagement, and he broke my heart and just let it go.

[A]

You can't ask your family to engage in your lie.

[B]

Cause there's always gonna be one family member who doesn't like you as much as you think they do and will either refuse to go along with it or intentionally tank it or is just like your old, crazy, craziest batcrap aunt. He's like, why are you saying that it's not true. You're just trying to get yourself lady.

[A]

And it goes against every parental lesson they ever taught you. Don't lie. You gotta tell the truth. So if you go back to your parents and you say, you gotta help me with a lie, it doesn't matter if you're 12 or 28 or whatever. Good morning, Brittany. You're on Q100.

[D]

Hey, guys, I think you should really help her out because this is a pretty big lie. I'm like, it's gone on way too long, and I think she needs your help on it.

[A]

What do you mean?

[D]

You think Bird should call him and have her on the other line and she come out to him and you guys try to downplay it a little bit? She loves you so much. She came on the radio and she wanted our advice, and she really loves you.

[B]

I think Bird should.

[C]

What the hell's wrong with you?

[B]

Play the role.

[A]

You can stop right here. I love the way Jeff, for seven years, has volunteered me for the most embarrassing and difficult assignment.

[B]

No, I think you should just be out somewhere she's gonna be and play the role of the ex fiance. And you guys get into it in public where she says, I'm never even gonna acknowledge your existence again. It's like it never happened. And then she lives by that code.

[A]

Hey, good morning, David. You're on Q100.

[D]

Hey, thanks for having me. Look, she needs to keep up the lie, unfortunately, but she needs to tell her boyfriend, look, you know, last time you're talking to your friends, then, you know, do you mind not bringing that up anymore? It hurts too much. And, you know, just this, concentrate on

[A]

the future, you know, and that's the

[D]

way to handle it.

[A]

You are not representing guys very well right now.

[D]

Hey, I'm trying to help her out, man.

[A]

She needs to go to him and go, look, this is part of our past. I never want to talk about it ever again because it still has, like, this little twinge of pain. So we can never talk about it ever again?

[D]

Yes. Look, honey, I know you're telling your friends that, you know, this happened, whatever, but do me a favor. It hurts too much, and let's not bring this up anymore.

[A]

No way, dude.

[B]

But you have to allow him to still talk about his experience, because if it doesn't, you know, if he doesn't feel the same way, he's gonna, like,

[A]

put it into his wedding speech. I just want to say to everybody here right now that the past is in front of everybody. The past is the past.

[C]

Well, what if they go to, like, counseling. She was engaged. I was engaged. And now we're finally at the wedding that we were meant to be at.

[A]

Half the people that were going to be going. What are you talking about? You got to come clean. There is no other option.

[C]

You have to be like. My family is still very sensitive. My mom cries about it every time you bring it up, so don't ever tell my mom.

[A]

Paula, there is no option except coming clean with this guy. There is zero wiggle room here. You got to say something with your friend.

[E]

With my. You think my friend and I should do it together?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

This is her boyfriend.

[A]

So what? This is her boyfriend for 18 months.

[C]

It's always nice to have a partner in crime. A little comfort. Yeah, bring your friend along.

[E]

I gotta be honest. From listening to all of the advice, it doesn't seem like any of it's gonna make sense unless I just, you know, tell the truth.

[A]

You got to do it immediately. Especially if, you know, this engagement. He's about to pop the question to you. You got to get this done now.

[B]

I think you're overthinking it.

[A]

You're not gonna be happy, but I don't think it's a deal breaker. Do you guys think it's a deal breaker?

[C]

At first, I didn't think so, but I. I'm just. I'm confused about how much conversation she had about it. The detail that she just.

[B]

I mean, he is gonna feel betrayed twice.

[C]

She said four months is how long they talked about it and she gave details.

[A]

Jen, you're saying deal breaker?

[C]

I think it is. I mean, I don't think she can go on without telling the truth because I think eventually it'll come out and it'll hurt worse later. But I think he's gonna have a real issue. She played a long Way too much.

[B]

Yeah, it's betrayal twice. Are you really good in bed?

[C]

Who's gonna say no? Who's gonna say no? Seriously?

[E]

The only question I can think of is, like, what if we're married for 20 years and we have this amazing marriage and, like, we have kids and then we're grandparents, and then, like, one day, you know, when we're 70, I'm just like, oh, by the way, you know, remember when we.

[B]

I wouldn't wait till then.

[E]

By that time, it really won't matter.

[B]

You won't be as good in bed at 70 as you are now, so I would do it.

[A]

You gotta tell him something. Can we check back with you next week to find out how you handle this? Whole thing.

[E]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

How quickly? I mean, is this engagement, do you think, like, it's gonna happen tomorrow, this weekend, next week?

[E]

No, I'm kind of thinking, like, holiday season. Like, I'm thinking probably around, like, Christmas time.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Don't give yourself too much time.

[C]

No.

[A]

Because you won't do it. The more you think about it, the more you won't do it.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

All right, Paula, keep us posted. All right.

[E]

All right, thank you, guys.

[A]

Bye. Bye. Get it. The bird show.