Vault: Maybe her boyfriend isn't into her anymore

Summary

---

The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Maybe Her Boyfriend Isn't Into Her Anymore

Original Air Date: May 26, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show crew tackles a dramatic relationship dilemma from a listener, Amber, who's caught in limbo with her ex-boyfriend. Amber suspects her boyfriend isn't fully committed and concocts a scheme to uncover the truth—by swapping his laptop with an identical one laced with spyware, installed by her brother. The hosts dive deep into themes of trust, relationship boundaries, and self-sabotage, blending real talk with humor and strong opinions.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Amber’s Story: Relationship Limbo & Spyware Plot

• Amber calls in (01:35), explaining she's back in a confusing, semi-rekindled relationship with her ex.
• The core issue: After two years together, Amber wanted to move in, but her boyfriend wasn’t ready, leading to a "timeout." Now, they're in a will-they-or-won't-they stage.
• Feeling insecure, Amber considers buying an identical laptop to plant spyware and monitor his activity with her brother’s tech help.
  • Amber (01:36): “My brother has the idea that he can install some kind of spy software... I can see exactly what my boyfriend is doing like on email and Facebook and any IM that he gets.”

2. The Hosts React:

• The team is skeptical of the plan from the start, questioning both the morality and logic.
  • Host (02:09): “It seems like a flawed plan to me though.”
• They rehash Amber’s motivations and unresolved tension about why the couple broke up.
  • Amber (02:40): “I wanted to move in together, and he wasn't ready, and so we took a time out.”
• Frustration over the lack of direct communication:
  • Host (03:57): “You would rather be the person that buys an identical computer and adds spyware...than that kind of person that asks for direct honesty?”

3. Comedy of Errors: The Laptop Swap Backfires

• Amber's brother installs spyware, but the boyfriend struggles with technical issues and takes the laptop to his work IT department (06:28).
• Amber panics, grabs the empty laptop box from the boyfriend’s apartment to cover her tracks, leading to more confusion.
• The hosts roast Amber for her amateur detective work:
  • Host (08:08): “Honestly, you're a crappy spy.”
  • Host (08:14): “This was never my idea. My brother is an idiot.”

4. Ethical Lines & Tough Love

• The team grows increasingly blunt about the ethics and ramifications:
  • Host (08:17): “You shouldn't even be in a relationship... I wish I could warn the potential boyfriends, your future girlfriend here is a total sketch.”
• Callers join in, expressing disbelief and frustration at Amber’s actions.
  • Host (10:00): “She is the reason that we cannot get married because of psycho idiots like her.”
• The central message solidifies: Direct conversation is the only healthy route, and Amber’s actions show she may not be ready for a real relationship.
  • Host (11:50): "There's a reason he doesn't want to commit. So, you doing all this craziness, adding spyware...it's just not time for you."

5. Lessons on Relationships & Trust

• The hosts and callers drive home universal dating lessons:
  • If someone isn’t reciprocating commitment, accept it rather than chase answers in manipulative ways.
    • Host (10:23): “It's not into you; go on about your way and find somebody that is.”
  • Attempting “spy games” rarely ends well and reflects on one’s own insecurities.
    • Caller Amber (10:47): “Like, it was a funny idea. But now that I'm doing it, it feels. Feels really gross… I don't like who I'm acting like.”

6. Humor, Outrage, and Real Talk

• Hosts vacillate between offering escape strategies and urging Amber to come clean, all infused with humor and exasperation.
• The consensus: Amber’s plan is doomed. She should end the relationship and focus on self-reflection.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On choosing sneakiness over honesty:

  • Host (03:57): “You would rather be the person that buys an identical computer and adds spyware...than that kind of person that asks for direct honesty?”

• Host's moral bottom line:

  • Host (08:17): “You shouldn't even be in a relationship...I wish I could warn the potential boyfriends, your future girlfriend here is a total sketch.”

• When Amber admits regret:

  • Amber (10:47): “Like, it was a funny idea. But now that I'm doing it, it feels...feels really gross because...I don't like who I'm acting like.”

• On reading the guy’s reluctance:

  • Host (11:50): "We're focusing…on the wrong thing. What Jen said is, he's just not that into you. There's a reason he doesn't want to commit."

• The hosts’ final withering advice:

  • Host (14:21): “You think those words have ever come out of somebody's mouth? ‘You love me so much you put spyware on my computer? I love you. Move in with me.’”

---

Important Segments & Timestamps

• 01:32 – Recap of previous episode, Amber’s situation introduced
• 01:35 – Amber describes her plan to swap laptops and install spyware
• 02:40 – Amber shares the reason for their breakup
• 03:10 – 04:10 – Discussion on trust, communication, and Amber’s anxieties
• 06:28 – Amber’s laptop plan unravels: boyfriend takes computer to work IT
• 07:43 – 08:08 – Amber's botched cover-up and hosts’ mockery
• 08:17 – Hosts tell Amber she’s not ready for a relationship
• 10:00 – 10:27 – Dramatic caller feedback; outrage at Amber’s actions
• 11:50 – 12:27 – Callers and hosts underscore the real problem: he’s not that into her
• 14:21 – 14:40 – Wrap-up: Will Amber ever get the answers she seeks?

---

Takeaway

This episode shines a comedic, sometimes cringeworthy light on the perils of insecurity and mistrust in relationships. The hosts don’t mince words about the consequences of sneaky behavior, drive home the need for honest communication, and remind listeners: If someone doesn’t want to commit, accept it, move on, and work on yourself—spyware and schemes never lead to love.

---

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad and then the next it's no, actually carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy pill and the Wegovy pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit for hers.combert to get personalized affordable care that gets you that's F O R h e r s.comb for hers.com Bert Weightliftsbyhurst is not available in all 50 states, but go via registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A S to get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions,

[SpinQuest Advertiser]

visit borhears.com Whether it's slots or live dealers, Spinquest.com has the fun and action you're looking for with Spinquest exclusives. Blackjack, roulette, baccarat and even live dice with craps and bubble craps. The games never stop so you don't have to. And right now new users get $30 coin packs for just 10 bucks. Play [e-mail] SpinQuest is a free to

[Host 1]

play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Listen, it's the Burt Show.

[Host 2]

Previously on the Birch Show.

[Caller Amber]

I'm kind of seeing my ex boyfriend. We're kind of on in a limbo area right now. So I think that alone is making me a little on edge. Why don't I go and buy the same exact laptop that my boyfriend or whatever ex boyfriend got? Because my brother has the idea that he can install some kind of spy software. I can see exactly what my boyfriend is doing like on email and Facebook and any IM that he gets.

[Host 3]

It seems like a flawed plan to me though. Like to buy an exact computer that he has. He's going to have documents on the original computer.

[Host 1]

Brand new.

[Host 3]

Yeah. Oh, it was a brand new computer.

[Host 1]

Brand new.

[Host 3]

Okay, so they broke up, and I guess now they're dabbling in this whole limbo stage. Where are we broken up? Maybe we still want to go out with each other. Did we ever find out the reason why they broke up in the first place?

[Host 4]

No, I don't think we did.

[Host 3]

Hey, Julie.

[Caller Amber]

Hi, guys.

[Host 3]

Hey, you're back on the Voice Disguiser. Why did you guys break up in the first place?

[Caller Amber]

Well, because I wanted to move in together, and he wasn't ready, and so we took. Took a time out.

[Host 3]

So you're like, if the relationship's not moving forward, then I want out.

[Caller Amber]

Yeah. And I think after two years, I think it's time to, like, do something. So we talked about it, and now we're back to kind of seeing how we feel. So it's good. It's not where I want it to be, which is probably why I'm going a little crazy.

[Host 5]

Because if you did.

[Host 6]

If infidelity was not an issue. I am fascinated that you have trust issues with him.

[Host 3]

You know, do you think he's also dating other women?

[Caller Amber]

Feel like if. I mean, if he's not ready to move in with me, what's the issue? You know, like, you've got a good job, I've got a good job. We love each other. We're both, you know, we're not children anymore, so I don't understand.

[Host 4]

Maybe he's just not that into you.

[Caller Amber]

He's just not that into me. Well, I'm trying to find him out.

[Host 3]

Have you ever straight up asked them?

[Caller Amber]

I've kind of hinted at it. I can't really. I just can't bring myself to be that person that's like, what's wrong?

[Host 3]

Like, okay, so you'd rather be the one to death.

[Caller Amber]

In so many other ways.

[Host 3]

You guys, hold on a sec. So you would. You would rather be the person that buys an identical computer and adds spyware to it rather than that kind of person that asks for direct honesty? Is that what you're saying?

[Caller Amber]

I know, I know.

[Host 3]

Okay. Just trying to process it a little bit.

[Host 1]

Yeah, because she's going to find. I mean, we're asking these questions. She's going to know the answers this week.

[Host 6]

Yeah, that's true.

[Host 1]

As soon as she starts getting those updates from the computer.

[Host 5]

Well, it would have saved her a grand if she just would have asked him.

[Host 4]

She needed a laptop anyway, Right?

[Host 6]

She's being efficient. Efficiency.

[Host 5]

My bad.

[Host 3]

So did you end up getting the new computer?

[Caller Amber]

I got. Yeah, I got the new computer. And, well, I got my Laptop. We switched it out. My brother put the spyware on it. Nothing's happened. I haven't seen anything because he hasn't set it up. And then after last weekend, I was kind of hinting at him. I was like, so, what's going on with your new laptop? Because I thought you really wanted it. And he's like, you know, I'm really having issues with some of the programs. I don't know if they were installed correctly. And so I need to take it back to Best Buy.

[Host 3]

Oh, no.

[Caller Amber]

I freaked out. And I, like, talked to my brother. I'm like, what the hell did you do? And I can't believe this is happening. And I talked to another friend who's a total computer geek, and she was like, yeah, there's a possibility that whatever your brother did, it could have messed up other programs. And, yeah, whatever he did, that's probably what the issue is. So I am like, I'm so mad at myself. And so the other night, I was like, okay, I'm gonna switch out the computer. I'm just gonna call it quit.

[Host 1]

So you're gonna. You're going to double switch back?

[Caller Amber]

Yeah, I'm going to go with plan Z and switch back. And so I was all ready to switch it out. I went over to his apartment, and I have. I still have all the paperwork at my laptop. I haven't done a thing to it, because I don't. I want that pure and ready to, like, be available. Okay, switch it out.

[Host 6]

Right.

[Caller Amber]

So I go over there the other night, and I saw the box, the laptop box. I'm like, hey, honey, what's going on? Where's. And he goes, oh, I took the laptop into work. One of the IT guys is nice enough to look at it.

[Host 4]

Oh, God, that's nice.

[Caller Amber]

So it's at work, and some nerd at work is looking at his laptop.

[Host 3]

So he hasn't come back to you yet and said, this is what the IT guy thinks the problem is. The IT guy has it right now?

[Caller Amber]

Yeah, it's at work. The IT guy has it, and they're taking it apart or looking at. I don't know what they're doing to it. So before I left his apartment, we were hanging out, and he goes. He was tired, so he goes to bed, and I just hang out with him for a little while. And as I'm walking out the door, he's still in his bedroom. He had the box to the laptop by the door so that he could remember to take it in to work with him. So I just took the box.

[Host 6]

Now wait a second.

[Host 4]

What?

[Host 6]

Now the computer is in the box and not his computer?

[Host 1]

No, the computer's at work.

[Host 6]

Then why are you. Why did you take the box?

[Caller Amber]

And so I just took the box with all the paperwork in it and all the wrapping and all that, and I just ran to my car.

[Host 5]

Why'd you take.

[Host 3]

For what reason? Yeah, if the computer was already with the IT guy, why take the box?

[Host 6]

I mean, he's gonna.

[Caller Amber]

No, I don't know. I can't.

[Host 6]

He's gonna remember when the IT guy comes to him and says, hey, dude, there's some spyware on your.

[Host 1]

He's gonna remember when he looks for the box to his laptop.

[Caller Amber]

Yeah, I know. I'm.

[Host 6]

I'm glad it's all. Honestly, you're a crappy spy.

[Host 1]

No kidding.

[Host 4]

Yeah. You're not cut out for this.

[Caller Amber]

This was never my idea. My brother is an idiot.

[Host 3]

Look, you shouldn't even be. You shouldn't even be in a relationship. You know, like if you're. I wish I could warn the potential boyfri, say your future girlfriend here is a total sketch. I'm glad it's totally blown up in your face. You're not ready for this.

[Caller Amber]

Oh, well, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. Well, you need to.

[Host 5]

You need to put the box that has his laptop back.

[Host 6]

Did you literally run to your car with the box? Because I could.

[Caller Amber]

Well, I walked fast.

[Host 5]

I mean, I could see. I could see her taking the box.

[Host 4]

Understand the point?

[Host 5]

Well, I could see her taking the box because technically she has that laptop from that box and they had the same serial numbers. You need to put the box that you now.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

Right.

[Host 3]

Too much work.

[Host 1]

Yeah, but now that she has the

[Host 5]

box because he can't return it.

[Host 1]

Right, but he's going to wake up this morning and wonder where the box to the laptop is. And there's only one option for she took it.

[Host 3]

If you really love him, you'll break up with him today. You will. If you really love him, you will let him go because. Because he's too good for you right now. You're not ready for this. He is. You're not ready for this.

[Host 4]

Well, I mean, I think that you just need to get that laptop back first. Don't let him. I mean, if you're gonna.

[Host 6]

It's with the IT guy.

[Host 3]

It's over.

[Host 1]

She took the box out of his house.

[Host 4]

I know, but what I'm saying is.

[Host 1]

Okay, Jen, here, say this. I'm the boyfriend.

[Caller Amber]

Uh huh.

[Host 1]

You're the girlfriend, right? I call you and go. You have any idea where the box to my laptop was? Was sitting right next to the door last night.

[Host 6]

And I would have said, I think,

[Host 4]

yes, I took it. Cause I screwed up a whole big plan to spy on you. Now it's not gonna work.

[Host 1]

I'm never talking to you again.

[Caller Amber]

You're crazy.

[Host 6]

I would have said, you know what? I totally forgot you needed that. I thought it

[Host 3]

embarrassment.

[Host 6]

Dude, that's good.

[Host 3]

Break up with him. Amber, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Host 2]

Oh, my God. It's a good thing FCC has rules because I would cuss her like a dog.

[Caller Amber]

She.

[Host 2]

I swear to God. And she is the reason that we cannot get married because of psycho idiots like her.

[Host 3]

Oh, now that's.

[Host 2]

I hope she spends every penny that she's got. I hope she ends up by herself. And I hope she's sitting on Christmas day going, oh, my God, Amber, why are you so.

[Host 3]

Why are you so angry?

[Host 2]

I'm just mad because women like that just infuriate me. I'm just like, what in the crap is she doing?

[Host 1]

It is a little.

[Host 2]

It's not into you go on about your way and find somebody. That is.

[Host 3]

Agreed.

[Host 2]

What is the big deal?

[Host 3]

It is a little maddening, man. I mean, you're not ready for a relationship if you're swapping out laptops. And well, she was trying to be

[Host 4]

sneaky and stalling spy on him. And in theory, it always sounds good. So I understand why you were intrigued by the theory, because it was like, oh, yeah, I'll just switch out the laptop. Then I can watch everything he does.

[Caller Amber]

Like, it was a funny idea. But now that I'm doing it, it feels. Feels really gross because she was just

[Host 6]

trying to figure out why he wouldn't commit.

[Caller Amber]

I don't like who I'm acting like.

[Host 4]

That's normally me, but that's to every woman listening. If you're trying to figure out why he won't commit, it's because he's not that into you. So let it go and find somebody who is. If that's what you want. Right?

[Host 3]

Felicia, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Host 4]

Why am I screaming at people?

[Host 3]

I don't know, but I'm upset too.

[Caller Jen]

Good morning, guys.

[Host 3]

Good morning.

[Caller Jen]

You know, to me, this whole plan is this person coming from ip. The whole plan is kind of flawed because as soon as he powers it on, everybody knows you have to go through the clock setting, things like that. You name your computer, whether it be first computer, home Things like that. So the minute he turns that on or his IP person looks at it, they're going to see that it's not even the same computer name. I don't understand why she didn't. First of all, she's crazy if she's going to go this extreme anyway, right? I don't understand why she wouldn't have just said, hey, can I borrow your computer? And then put the software on his computer to begin with.

[Host 3]

We're focusing, like you said, on the wrong thing. What Jen said is, he's just not that into you. There's a reason why he doesn't want to commit. So you doing all this craziness, adding spyware and swapping out laptops, it's just not time for y'.

[Caller Jen]

All.

[Host 3]

You're not ready for this.

[Host 6]

Well, I mean, the thing is, I think that women, when you have these conversations over a glass of wine on how to do this, never execute it.

[Host 4]

I mean, just sounds like a great idea at the time.

[Host 6]

It's a funny story that y' all can laugh about, but never actually try to do it, because trained professionals are the only ones that really are qualified to do that.

[Host 3]

You need. You need to call him today and tell him how nuts you are, and he's gonna break up with you, and that's the end of the relationship.

[Host 1]

Hold on. Wait.

[Caller Amber]

The thing was nuts? I'm not nuts.

[Host 1]

Hold on a minute. Here's the. Here's the deal, though. This is what you have to keep in mind, and I don't. Okay. Cause here's the thing. Melissa had a good point. Like, what if you were being nice and you picked up that box and you threw it out thinking it was nice, and then you. You know what? You do go over there right now. Has he already left for work? Cause I'm almost thinking you go over there right now, or you call him and you say, I was gonna take it to the dumpster, you know, throw it out for you. Then I got downstairs and realized you might need to return it, so it's in my pocket.

[Host 6]

I don't think she needs to be the one. Okay, if we're gonna go along with this, I don'. She needs to be the one that's proactive. Just leave it in your car. And when he asks, you say, oh, my God. Yeah, I was just gonna throw it out, but it's still in my car. Do you need it?

[Host 3]

Are you really helping her now?

[Host 1]

Hold on.

[Host 3]

You guys are really giving her.

[Host 4]

They're coaching her.

[Host 1]

Here's the deal. If you Go. If you go back to best buyer, he goes back to wherever with that laptop, they're not gonna know. If they do find a weird spy program on there, they're not gonna know who. Oh, yeah, they will. Cause it's her email address that the stuff gets sent to.

[Host 3]

You're breaking dude code right now anyway. You're totally breaking, dude.

[Host 1]

I'm not coaching. I'm just saying in theory. There is a way out of this.

[Host 5]

No, there's not. Yes, there is not. It's gonna be by Best Buy or him.

[Host 1]

Wendy, you're not caught until you're caught. And she is not caught yet.

[Host 5]

Yet. Keyword being yes.

[Host 1]

Right.

[Host 3]

Break up with them.

[Host 1]

Keep running.

[Host 3]

I would say follow up, but it's. Why?

[Host 6]

Because I want to know how to know how he found out. I want to know what the IT guy said to him. I want to know what he said to her. Yes.

[Host 3]

You want to hear the reaction when he finds out that there's spyware. Okay, that's good enough for me.

[Host 6]

I do.

[Host 4]

And regardless of how the computer situation works out, it's not like he's going to miraculously say, you know what? I think we should move in together.

[Host 3]

You think those words have ever come out of somebody's health? You love me so much you put spyware on my computer? I love you. Move in with me.

[Host 4]

You are a crazy, crazy girl. But I get it.

[Host 3]

If you're that crazy for me, then damn it, I'm that crazy for you. All right, can we talk to you in a couple of days to find out how badly this ended?

[Caller Amber]

Oh, sure.

[Host 3]

Okay, we'll talk to you then. Bye. Bye.

[Host 1]

You're not using the secret, Burt.

[Host 3]

I am using the secret. I want this guy. I feel like protecting him. He's getting in a relationship with this sketch. She's nutty, dude. Nutty.

[Host 1]

I think she's in love.

[Host 5]

Crazy in love.

[SpinQuest Advertiser]

This is the Bird show. Forget whatever plans you have this weekend because you're staying at home and playing on Spin Quest. And there's never been a better time to sign up than right now. New users get $30 coin packs for just $10. All the table games you love with hundreds of slot games and real cash Prizes. That's at spinquest.com S P I N

[Host 1]

Q U-E-T.com Spinquest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

During Memorial Day at Lowe's shop household must haves for less. Save $80 on a Char Broil Performance Series 4 burner grill to chef up something special. Plus get up to 45% off. Select major appliances to keep things fresh. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Lowe's we help you Save valid through 527, while supplies last selection varies by location. See Lowes.com for details.

[Commercial Announcer]

Visit your nearby Lowes.

[Geico Gecko Announcer]

And now for a bit of breaking news. Between your breaking news with me, the Geico Gecko, here are some things you ought to know today. People who switch their car insurance to geico save about $900 a year. Experts are calling that nice to know. Also, plants can hear when bees buzz. My ficus just heard that. And finally, animal experts have confirmed that goats have regional accents. I'm getting a hint of Irish there.

[Host 3]

It feels good to get good news.

[SpinQuest Advertiser]

It feels good to Geico.