Vault: MC STAND UP

Summary

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The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: MC STAND UP

Date: November 11, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Key Cast: Bert, Melissa Carter ("MC"), Katie Jo, Jen Hobby

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a unique and hilarious challenge: Melissa Carter (MC) is forced to perform four minutes of stand-up comedy as a punishment after her girlfriend, Katie Jo, performed poorly on a NASCAR trivia quiz. The show captures MC’s anxiety and vulnerability as a first-time stand-up comic, the reactions from the rest of the cast, and the resulting on-air laughs. With the signature Bert Show authenticity and camaraderie, the episode is a blend of genuine nervousness, supportive ribbing, and comedic payoff.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting Up the Stand-Up Punishment

• Background:
  • Melissa Carter’s girlfriend, Katie Jo, is quizzed on her NASCAR knowledge and only gets 2 out of 10 questions correct.
  • For every missed answer, MC has to do 30 seconds of stand-up—totaling 4 minutes (01:09, 05:45).
  • MC shares her extreme nervousness and dread ("…my mind wondering how I was going to do this… no part of me that has ever even thought about being a standup comedian.") (01:09–01:58).
• MC’s Experience:
  • MC describes waiting anxiously: “It's like when you're a kid and you have to do a book report on a book you didn't read…” (02:14–02:51).
  • She jokes about wanting to just flee the building ("I had the thought down the hall, if I just got in the car and drove away, what would happen?") (02:51).

2. NASCAR Trivia Recap

• The cast hilariously reviews Katie Jo’s answers, highlighting the fun mix of right and wrong responses (03:15–05:44):
  • For example, Katie Jo guesses "Pepsi 600 at Lowe's Motor Speedway" instead of "Coca Cola 600."
  • Only correct answer: The average amount a primary sponsor pays ($10 million).

3. Melissa Carter’s Stand-Up Routine

• Introduction:
  • MC gets a mock-grand introduction from Bert ("Turn off your cell phones or set them to vibrate. One night and one night only… Melissa Carter to the stage.") (06:13–06:29).
• Stand-Up Material Highlights:
  • Religious Stereotypes in NASCAR:
    • “You know a driver is a Scientologist because they think that positive thinking and vitamins are the only thing they need to make their car run.” (06:46–07:10)
    • Baptists: "They think that everyone else races wrong except them."
    • Catholics: "...they feel guilty about the way they drive all the time."
    • Mormons: "…they have more than one car on the track."
    • Atheists: "...don't believe there are any other cars or even the track exists."
    • Extremists: "...purposely run their cars into everyone else."
  • Gender Jokes:
    • On Yamaha’s motorcycle airbags: "If you crash, it inflates to put a cushion between their jewels and the handlebars, thus protecting a man's most valuable asset… Yamaha already had invented a device that protects a woman's most valuable asset. It's called the helmet." (08:19–08:49)
  • Listener Drama Callback:
    • "Top three questions that Sorry Sarah's new boyfriend is gonna ask… Number one, have you cancelled your Cosmo subscription yet? Number three…do you have plastic sheets?" (08:49–09:24)
  • Current Events/News Gags:
    • Gross-out: Woman assaults her puppy’s breeder with a dead chihuahua in Missouri. “But since the dog was already dead, police can deport him for illegal immigration. Yeah, that's a bad one.” (10:17–10:46)

4. Show Crew’s Reactions

• MC’s stand-up is met with laughter, supportive applause, and some gentle ribbing (“If you order more drinks, the jokes get funnier.”) (10:12).
• MC closes with gratitude for the audience and a loving shout-out to Katie Jo. (“Thank you to Katie Jo for getting the 8 answers wrong...I still love you.”) (10:46–10:52).
• Bert and the team praise MC’s bravery: "I thought you were fantastic." (10:57).
• “This is the Bert Show.” (11:02; sign-off to content portion.)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• MC (on pre-show nerves):
  “It's like when you're a kid and you have to do a book report on a book you didn't read, which happened to me a lot.” (02:14)
• MC (on the stand-up punishment):
  “If I just got in the car and drove away, what would happen? What's the worst that could happen?” (02:51)
• Bert (introducing MC):
  “Columbia, Tennessee's… Boy, are we blessed tonight. Columbia, the funniest city in the east. Melissa Carter to the stage. Thank you. Thank you.” (06:28)
• MC (Scientologist NASCAR drivers):
  “They think that positive thinking and vitamins are the only thing they need to make their car run.” (07:00)
• MC (Yamaha motorcycles):
  “Yamaha already had invented a device that protects a woman's most valuable asset. It's called the helmet.” (08:47)
• MC (closing):
  “Thank you Atlanta, so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you to Katie Jo for getting the 8 answers wrong. If it's too right. I still love you.” (10:46)
• Show’s supportive tease:
  "If you order more drinks, the jokes get funnier." (10:12)

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Timestamps of Major Segments

• Show Content Begins: 01:01
• NASCAR Trivia Setup: 01:09–05:44
• Bert Introduces Stand-Up: 06:07
• Stand-Up Routine: 06:29–10:46
• Immediate Crew Reactions: 10:46–11:02
• End of Episode Content: 11:02

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Conclusion

This episode puts Melissa Carter front and center in a hilarious, nerve-wracking segment that showcases The Bert Show’s mix of realness and comedy. The group’s chemistry is on full display as they build up MC’s anxiety, laugh with (and at) her stand-up misadventures, and ultimately celebrate her willingness to embrace the challenge. It’s a classic Bert Show episode: funny, self-aware, and filled with moments of camaraderie.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Did I talk too much?

[A]

Can't I just let it go?

[C]

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[D]

This is the Burt show, but Friday we lost Melissa Carter for like the first two and a half hours of this show. And. And rightfully so.

[B]

Yeah, I mean earlier last week we had talked about how my girlfriend Katie Jo was a big NASCAR fan. So Bert says, you know what, how about we put her to the test and I give her 10 trivia questions and we see how well she does. So we did that on Thursday and found out that she didn't know as much about NASCAR as she may have thought. And so she got to two of the ten questions correct and the bet was that for every question she got wrong, I had to suffer the punishment and it was 30 seconds of standup comedy. And so that had to be paid off on Friday morning. So I am not. There is no part of me that has ever even thought about being a standup comedian. And so four minutes was brutal. And like what he said about, you know, being out of the show. We didn't do this til about 9 o' clock on Friday morning. So all morning long I was nervous as I could be and I my mind wondering how I was going to do this and so. But we did do it on Friday.

[D]

Have you listened back to it since then?

[B]

No.

[D]

This is going to be your first time hearing it.

[B]

I probably take the headphones off and.

[D]

Go find something to do.

[B]

Just go find something to do for.

[D]

The next four on a different floor. Four minutes of standup comedy from Melissa Carter. This was part of Friday's show.

[B]

I'm nervous where you know, the dry mouth. I was making sure I had water, like almost shaking because Anytime you go into something that you are, you know, you're not good at, you know, you don't enjoy it, just. It makes it that much worse. Like, it's not. There's this. There's that nervousness of, like, exhilaration where you're nervous and just can't wait to get out there and do it. You know, like pump shop. This is not that kind of nervousness. This is one of those that. In the back of your mind, it's like when you're a kid and you have to do a book report on a book you didn't read, which happened to me a lot. It's one of those nervousness where I'm sitting in the chair, you know, a little gassy, a little, you know, where my mouth is dry. And then.

[D]

Writing assignment. You make the margins bigger.

[B]

Exactly. And then. And then, you know, having the last name Carter with a C, you know, the book report's gonna come sooner than later. And so this is how I feel now. It's like, I'd rather just run out of the room, get in the car, because I think I had the thought down the hall, if I just got in the car and drove away, what would happen? What's the worst that could happen?

[D]

Look, it is four pages, even though the text is three inches wide down the middle. This is what happened yesterday on the Burt Show. We. I asked her 10 questions.

[B]

Yeah, my girlfriend, Katie Jo, who claims to be. Claims. I'm sorry, she is a big NASCAR fan.

[D]

Oh, you said.

[B]

Oh, that was a funn.

[D]

Why don't you just call Judith Light washed up.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honey. So she's a NASCAR fan, and so Bert's like, well, look, you know, we'll give her an Askar trivia challenge, and we give her 10 questions really easy, and for everyone, she gets wrong. Then Melissa has to do the punishment, which is 30 seconds of standup comedy.

[D]

Okay, the first question was, in nascar, what is the definition of marbles? And you said, it probably has something to do with a man. A driver's bravery. Great common sense. Not the accurate answer. That is excess rubber tire found at the edge of the racetrack. The longest race of the NASCAR season is which race? You said, the Pepsi 600 at Lowe's Motor Speedway. It's the Coca Cola 600. Coca Cola 600. Oh, wrong soft drink. Question number three was, the car that comes in first in any NASCAR event receives 180 points. You said yes. That wasn't even the question yet. The last car in finishing Order received. How many points? You said 30. The answer is 34.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

After a race day wreck, this driver, Sterling Marlin, is notorious for executing this superstition. What is it you said? He gets out of the car and he just runs around the track? No, he always throws away his shoes. He thinks they're bad luck, so he throws away his shoes.

[B]

Let me just ask him what? Has she got any right yet?

[D]

No, not yet. The average amount of a primary sponsor paying in the NASCAR cup series is how much money you write off the. You said $10 million. You nailed it. $10 million. Question number six was a company can expect to spend how much money per hour from a primary driver, like a guy like Dale Jr. Or Jeff Gordon to do a personal appearance? You said it's got to be about $100,000. The right answer is about half of that. $50,000 to get those guys out there for an hour. In 1977, she was the first woman driver to qualify for the Daytona 500. You said. I know this. You read it last night. You said Janet Green. It was Janet Guthrie. What North Carolina city does Dale Jr. Currently reside in? That's your dude, right?

[B]

That's my guy.

[D]

You said Charlotte. It's Mooresville, North Carolina. Oh, come on. The drive into this speedway is regarded as the worst traffic jam in the NASCAR world. What track is it? You said Talladega. The correct answer was Pocono. The last question was what current driver endorses Halston 714 Cologne?

[B]

I got this wrong too.

[D]

I think you said my boy. This is my boy, Dale Jr. Can I add another 30 seconds? Oh, no. The correct answer was Jeff Gordon. All right, so when we added it all up yesterday came to four minutes of stand up comedy for Melissa Carter.

[B]

You got to introduce me. Got to get a. Do I have any clap? And then we'll start. When I start talking, I got to get into the.

[D]

Should I thought to have some like introduction music?

[B]

I did four hours of preparation and you can. Well, that'll help.

[D]

That's all right, ladies and gentlemen, turn off your cell phones or set them to vibrate. One night and one night only.

[B]

Thank God.

[D]

The humorous styling of. What's the name of your hometown?

[B]

Columbia.

[D]

Columbia, Tennessee's Boy, are we blessed tonight. Columbia, the funniest city in the east. Melissa Carter to the stage. Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Thanks, Atlanta. You know, it's so great to be back. And of course one of the reasons I am here is because of the NASCAR trivia challenge that my girlfriend Katie Jo just Did yesterday. Now, of course, NASCAR's been in the news recently because the Church of Scientology says they're going to attempt to spread its ignite your potential message into auto racing through their sponsorship of a race car in one of NASCAR's lowest levels. So if you put a Scientologist in the race, how exactly would a religious NASCAR circuit look like? Okay, well, number one, the Scientology driver. You can know that a driver is a Scientologist because they think that positive thinking and vitamins is the only thing they need to make their car run. Thank you. You're so sweet. Okay, now, Baptists, Baptist drivers, they think that everyone else races wrong except for them. Then if you have a Catholic driver, they feel guilty about the way they drive all the time. But the Methodist, however, a Methodist driver, well, they have a minibar installed in their car. Thank you. The best audience I've ever dealt with. Okay, now, we can't leave out the Episcopalians, Ms. Jen Hobby, because Episcopalian drivers. Well, the Episcopalians let women and gay people drive because there's a place at. For everyone, according to the physicalians. Now, Mormons, you can tell the Mormon drivers because they have more than one car on the track. And the atheist drivers, well, the atheist drivers don't believe there are any other cars or even that the track exists. And then, of course, we can't leave out the religious extremists from everywhere because they purposely run their cars into everyone else. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Thank you, Atlanta. And don't forget to tip your waiters.

[C]

Okay. 2:30.

[B]

Also in the news, we go from cars to motorcycles because Yamaha Motorcycles will soon add airbags to their machines. Engineers have created a prototype of a new motorcycle airbag that inflates specifically to protect a man's package. The bag is hidden under the seat. If you crash, it inflates to put a cushion between their jewels and the handlebars, thus protecting a man's most valuable asset. However, Yamaha already had invented a device that protects a woman's most valuable asset. It's called the helmet. Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

All right, well, we talked to Sari, Sarah, you know, a few days ago. Of course, Sarah's the one who. An incident with her boyfriend over the weekend that we couldn't really talk about. And we assumed that that relationship is over. But then we realized Sarah's gonna have to date again. So what are the top three questions that, Sorry, Sarah's new boyfriend is gonna ask her upon their date? Number one, have you cancelled your Cosmo subscription yet? Number two, how easily do Lee press on nails actually come off? And number three. Sorry. Sarah's new boyfriend will ask her, do you have plastic sheets?

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[D]

I love the finger pointing and the head knot.

[E]

All right.

[B]

And poor Ralph Santiago. This is a guy that's accused of stealing from a neighbor's house. Okay, so he's accused on that, but he has a lawyer now. And the lawyer said that one reason that there's no way Santiago could have burglarized his next door neighbor's home is that he's too heavy to have fit through the window. Santiago's attorney said.

[D]

Wait a minute.

[B]

So Santiago's attorney said that he is ready to prove that at 5 foot 11 and 275 pounds, that Santiago could not have possibly made it through the 21 inch wide, 36 inch tall casement window. He's gonna make Santiago climb through a replica window in front of the jury because if his client don't fit, the jury must acquit. All right, thank you so much.

[D]

All right.

[B]

If you order more drinks, the jokes get funnier.

[D]

Okay, 30 long seconds.

[B]

All right. A Missouri woman. We have go to Missouri now where this woman is so angry that her new puppy had died that she pushed her way into a dog breeders home and repeatedly hit the breeder in the head with the dead chihuahua. Okay, this is a true story out of Missouri. And the attacker now could face assault charges, but since the dog was already dead, police can deport him for illegal immigration. Yeah, that's a bad one.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Did you like the courtesy laugh?

[F]

That was good, right?

[B]

And thank you, Atlanta, so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you to Katie Jo for getting the 8 answer is wrong. If it's too right. I still love you.

[D]

Thank you. L done.

[B]

I thought you were fantastic.

[D]

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[A]

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[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[F]

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[E]

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[F]

On his.

[C]

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[D]

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