Vault: Melissa finally admits she has an addiction

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: Melissa Finally Admits She Has an Addiction

Episode Date: June 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives humorously into Melissa's confessed addiction to the game Farmville, sparking a broader conversation among the Bert Show cast about online gaming obsessions, the bizarre culture surrounding Farmville, and how these virtual pursuits can comically blur the lines between real and virtual life. The cast shares anecdotes, lampoons viral Farmville memes and mock testimonials, and even touches on the social and psychological hooks of these games, all with trademark playful banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Melissa's Farmville Addiction Confession

• Melissa candidly admits to setting up a Farmville account after repeated exposure and social pressure ("I've seen it everywhere"), eventually getting promptly called out by her partner Katie for her new obsession.

  • Quote: “Literally that night when Katie got home from work, she saw me on the computer setting up the Farmville account and she said, ‘Oh hell no.’” (01:36, Melissa)

• She describes how a bout of illness left her neglecting her virtual crops, leading to an amusing moment of realization about the game's addictive mechanics and communal elements ("thanks to Bert Show listeners, because I guess you can have people come onto your farm and fertilize your crops and stuff").

• Addiction mechanics: The time-based structure is called out as uniquely compelling among online games; users must return repeatedly to harvest various crops, with different timers making the cycle endless.

  • Quote: “What becomes addictive about it is people constantly are going back to check their farms because different crops, you know, need to be harvested at different times.” (02:41, Melissa)

2. Satirizing Farmville Culture

• The group lampoons Farmville through jokes about “virtual day laborers” and a surreal “Farmville Home Depot,” imagining a group of workers rushing to tend neglected digital crops. (02:13 - 02:27)

• The show plays a viral parody video and then a mock Dr. Phil segment, which pokes fun at the seriousness with which players treat their digital chores, contrasting them with real-world farming and family responsibilities.

  • Quote: “Just like being a real farmer, only without the benefits… Play Farmville. To get out of dealing with issues, spending time with your children or farming.” (03:25, Host parodying Farmville promo)

• Memorable moment: Dr. Phil, in a faux intervention, implores the (fictional) addict to reconnect with real life:

  • Quote: “Close your accounts, get out of Farmville… Reintroduce yourself to your family. Cook a meal, go on a date… Do something. Actually. Maybe start a garden for real.” (06:39, Dr. Phil parody)

3. Real-life Farmville Antics from Listeners

• A caller, Becky, reveals that her mother-in-law has escalated to creating Facebook accounts in the names of deceased people just to get more Farmville resources—offering a surprising real glimpse into the depths of addiction:

  • Quote: “She has made accounts in people’s names that are deceased just so that she could make more money to buy more stuff like fertilizer and things like that.” (07:12, Becky)

• The hosts react with disbelief and laughter, highlighting how the game’s mechanics can escalate into absurd behaviors.

  • Quote: "You are kidding..." (07:31, Show Reaction)

4. Games as Escapes and Social Experiments

• The cast reflect briefly on the economic side, noting Farmville's staggering revenues and the genius of its makers in tapping into the social and psychological drivers behind such games.

  • Quote: “I think I read the other day that Farmville, like the company that came up with Farmville, has made a billion dollars off of it. Easily a billion off of Farmville.” (04:59, Host)

• One host muses that the cleverness isn't just in game design, but in monetizing social networks at scale, citing online articles about the company’s innovation in this sector. (05:11)

5. Poking Fun at Virtual vs. Real Agriculture

• Jokes abound about the differences between digital and real-life farming, with the group riffing on how Farmville might give players a comically mistaken sense of farming ease.

  • Quote: “It’s motivating, probably a whole bunch of people to actually stop, like, their insurance business. Because farming is so easy. I can do this.” (06:18, Host)

• Banter continues with reference to waking up early for “harvests” in Farmville, compared to real farmers in adverse weather.

  • Quote: “Somebody says they got to get up a half hour early to harvest their crops. And the farmer's like, 'Really? Because I've been up since four outside in the rain on a tractor.'” (06:27, Caller)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:35 – Melissa recounts her Farmville origin story and how she realized her dependence.
• 02:39 – Discussion of Farmville’s addictive mechanics and time traps.
• 03:08 – Playing of viral Farmville parody, lampooning the game’s escapist qualities.
• 04:54 – Dr. Phil mock-intervention satire segment.
• 05:11 – Commentary on Farmville’s massive business success.
• 07:09 – Listener Becky recounts her mother-in-law’s Farmville exploits.
• 06:39 – Dr. Phil parody: “Close your accounts, get out of Farmville…” etc.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Literally that night when Katie got home from work, she saw me on the computer setting up the Farmville account and she said, ‘Oh hell no.’” (01:36, Melissa)
• “Just like being a real farmer, only without the benefits… Play Farmville to get out of dealing with issues, spending time with your children or farming.” (03:25, Host parody)
• “What are you trying to win? You're trying to impress your friends that you are more obsessed than they?” (06:39, Dr. Phil parody)
• “She has made accounts in people’s names that are deceased just so that she could make more money to buy more stuff.” (07:12, Becky)
• “Somebody says they got to get up a half hour early to harvest their crops. And the farmer's like, 'Really? Because I’ve been up since four outside in the rain on a tractor.'” (06:29, Caller)

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Tone and Wrap-Up

The episode is lighthearted, self-deprecating, and filled with playful teasing. The hosts approach Melissa’s “addiction” with empathy and camaraderie, and the group’s comedic chemistry brings relatable moments to the fore. The satirical Farmville “intervention” and wild listener anecdotes keep the conversation entertaining, while the occasional musing on social media game economics provides just enough real-world reflection.

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In summary:
The Bert Show turns Melissa’s Farmville confession into a hilarious examination of online game obsessions, lampooning both the culture and business behind social gaming while grounding their jokes in personal stories and real listener calls. If you’ve ever wondered why you or your friends obsessed over pixelated strawberries at 2am, this episode will make you laugh—and maybe reconsider your next virtual harvest.

Transcript

[Lady Luck]

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[Bretzky]

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[Host (possibly Birch)]

social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. The Birch show so Melissa is bordering on being addicted to this Farmville.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Right?

[Caller or Guest 2]

That's why I have all these crops that are dying. But no. Yeah, we had talked initially about Farmville and of course I've seen it everywhere and everybody's seen it everywhere. So I thought, well, you know what, let me just go on. And literally that night when Katie got home from work, she saw me on the computer setting up the farmville account and she said, oh hell no. And I said, yeah. So I set up this little farm and then forgot about it. And then when I was sick the past couple weeks hadn't done anything with it. And then, and then I went back to check it. After we talked about it again after I had to admit the fact that I am on farmville, all my crops were dead, thanks to Birch show listeners, because I guess you can have people come onto your farm and fertilize your crops and stuff. So I had to admit.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

So you can hire a day laborer to come in and do everything for you, like a farmville. Day labor.

[Caller or Guest 2]

People volunteer to come.

[Caller or Guest 3]

That'd be awesome.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Do your crops and you got a

[Caller or Guest 3]

little farmville Home Depot. A bunch of people run up to your car.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Anyway, so. Farmville. U Haul.

[Caller or Guest 4]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Oh, my God. And so anyway, so, but I keep going. I'm wasting my virtual dollars because I keep, you know, having crops die on me or whatever. You're supposed to check them every. So I don't know, whatever.

[Caller or Guest 3]

Oh, my God.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

What are you going to do when

[Caller or Guest 3]

you run out of virtual money?

[Caller or Guest 2]

But the thing is that you have to. The crops, they tell you how long it's going to take for the crops to grow and you have to go back when they're done to get the crops. So. Yeah, so like, strawberries are for four hours and then, you know, wheat's a couple days. And I don't know. But anyway, so I think what becomes addictive about it is people constantly are going back to check their farms because different crops, you know, need to be harvested at different farms.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

It's a ridiculous exercise. It really is so stup. Um, this is a video that's been circulating making fun of farmville.

[Caller or Guest 4]

Farmville.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

From milking cows to putting chickens in coops, this game pushes the limits of the imagination backwards. Here's a taste of the action.

[Caller or Guest 4]

FarmVille.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Validation.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Just like being a real farmer, only without the benefits.

[Caller or Guest 4]

Farmville.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Play farmville. To get out of dealing with issues, spending time with your children or farming.

[Caller or Guest 4]

Farmville.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Where did the time go?

[Caller or Guest 4]

Farmville.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Designed by Kronos himself to alleviate the burden of time.

[Caller or Guest 4]

Farmville.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Just listen to these testimonials from my mom. Hey, mom, what do you think of Farmville?

[Dr. Phil]

What?

[Caller or Guest 4]

Farmville.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

So this thing is getting so addictive that Dr. Phil dedicates a whole show to it yesterday.

[Dr. Phil]

Are you worried about your crops as you sit here? No, I'm on it. Honestly. Are you worried about your crops as you sit here?

[Caller or Guest 5]

Okay, before I came here, I made sure that none of the crops were gonna die.

[Dr. Phil]

You made sure none of the crops what would die?

[Caller or Guest 5]

My pets were fed.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Oh, my God.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, now you realize, don't you, that. And let me sit down here a

[Caller or Guest 1]

minute

[Dr. Phil]

because we need to make eye contact. There aren't really any crops. I know there aren't really any crops. There's not really. That's just a little image on a screen. They're not gonna die.

[Caller or Guest 5]

I know they do.

[Dr. Phil]

I mean, and you're not gonna really like harvest them and take them to the market and feed people with them.

[Caller or Guest 1]

He's just being mean to her now.

[Dr. Phil]

And your family, on the other hand, it's real talk. They are hungry.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I think I read the other day that farmville, like the company that came up with farmville Ville, has made a billion dollars off of it. Easily a billion off of farmville.

[Caller or Guest 3]

It is a. And they've done other sim type programs, like reality type, you know, things. But I've read more than one article about how they are in terms of monetizing a social networking platform. They're virtually the fastest and the biggest.

[Caller or Guest 2]

I don't have that kind of Facebook that you get on it.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I just don't have that kind of big picture thinking because again, if somebody would have come to me years ago and said, look, give me $5,000 to start this Farmville thing and they described exactly what it was, I'd have like, I got plenty of other things to do with my five grand.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Well, it's like it's all games are built on you going from level to level and expanding, whatever. And it's. I mean, the concept is there, you do, you get more money the more crops you have and blah, blah, blah. But it's just what makes it addictive again is that there is a time, there is a scheduling, you know, like a time limit. Yes. There's no other game I've ever played in which I have to be back at a certain time that it's running in real time while I'm doing my daily stuff. Farmers are offended.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Like, you make it this probably.

[Caller or Guest 2]

It's like, why don't you put a. Yeah, why don't you like grow crops in your own backyard?

[Caller or Guest 1]

Like you think it's really that easy to. Or when somebody just water them and they'll be fine.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

It's motivating, probably a whole bunch of people to actually stop, like their insurance business. Because farming is so easy. I can do this.

[Caller or Guest 2]

For strawberries to grow, somebody says they

[Caller or Guest 3]

got to get up a half hour early to harvest their crops. And the farmer's like, really? Because I've been up since four outside in the rain on a tractor.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Exactly.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

This is Phil telling it like it is.

[Dr. Phil]

Close your accounts, get out of farmville. Oh, yes. What are you trying to win? You're trying to impress your friends that you are more obsessed than they. Reintroduce yourself to your family. Cook a meal, Go on a date. Go to a movie, Go jog. Go sit out in the backyard. Watch the grass grow. Do something. Actually. Maybe start a garden for real.

[Caller or Guest 5]

It's eight degrees out.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Good morning.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Eight degrees out. That's her excuse.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Hey, Becky. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller or Guest 5]

Good morning, guys. Good morning. I so did not know that this was such a deal. I thought it was just my mother in law. She has made accounts in people's names that are deceased just so that she could make more money to buy more stuff like fertilizer and things like that.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Wow.

[Caller or Guest 1]

You are kidding.

[Caller or Guest 3]

So she makes. She makes a dead person account and then gives that money to herself?

[Caller or Guest 5]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

Wow.

[Caller or Guest 5]

I mean it's like 4am and she's leaving me comments on my Facebook and I'm like go to bed and I call her like noon and she's asleep.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yeah, you sort of. You sort of wish you married somebody else, don't you?

[Caller or Guest 5]

Oh, she's nice, but.

[Caller or Guest 2]

But crazy.

[Caller or Guest 5]

At least Jen's hypnotist will now have a new field.

[Lady Luck]

That's right.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Farmville Addict.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

This is a total separate commercial that I found a couple of days ago. I'm not sure it's gonna print on the radio or not, but this little kid is so cute. This is an insurance company commercial and it's like a little or four or five year old kid right in front of the screen. It's only him.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Is this a little African American kid?

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Where he says right in the.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yes.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Oh, I love this one.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

This is a real insurance company commercial that was running up in the northeast for a while.

[Caller or Guest 5]

I was watching Me and my mom was in watching this movie. Then me and kid, the man, I was gonna try to punch him. He kicked him down on the ground. But he was gonna kick him. I was on the ground. You know what he did? He kicked him in the penis.

[Caller or Guest 2]

Oh my God.

[Caller or Guest 5]

He was injured. Injured man. He kicked him in the penis.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Oh my God.

[Caller or Guest 2]

That's so cute. Kids talking, cute kids singing. Creepy.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yes, Agree. Children of the Cornish kind of thing. And this is from a weatherman in Boston who is probably the most unprofessional weather guy that you've ever meteorologist that you've ever heard from in your life. Do you see this yet?

[Caller or Guest 1]

I haven't seen it.

[Caller or Guest 2]

I heard it though.

[Bretzky]

Our wind chill factor about 23. Humidity 85%. A north wind at 13 miles an hour. Picking up some snow, are we? Yes, we are. In Princeton we picked up nine inches of snow. Bill Ricka had seven. The biggest amount that I could find. Almost as big as me. About nine inches. Bill Rick has seven. And in Stoneham we had six.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Wow.

[Bretzky]

Two and a half. Brookline picked up about two.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Serious looking

[Caller or Guest 1]

statement or no?

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yeah.

[Caller or Guest 3]

Was it his last?

[Caller or Guest 1]

Is it his last?

[Host (possibly Birch)]

I don't know if it's his last one. I think this just happened yesterday.

[Bretzky]

Biggest amount that I could find. Almost as big as me. About nine inches.

[Caller or Guest 2]

No way.

[Lady Luck]

Oh my God.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

Yeah, I think you kind of tell he's lying. Also.

[Bretzky]

Biggest amount that I could find. Almost as big as me.

[Caller or Guest 1]

Is he a white dude?

[Bretzky]

About 9 inches.

[Host (possibly Birch)]

He is

[Caller or Guest 3]

the Bird Show.

[Lady Luck]

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[Host (possibly Birch)]

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[Caller or Guest 4]

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[Lady Luck]

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