Vault: Melissa Had An Awkward Experience at a Funeral and She's Finally Confessing

Summary

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The Bert Show | Vault: Melissa Had An Awkward Experience at a Funeral and She's Finally Confessing

Date: March 20, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings humor and heart to an uncomfortable yet relatable situation: accidentally ending up at the wrong funeral. Jen leads with her story about attending the burial of her friend's mother and nearly paying respects to strangers. The cast, including Melissa and Ashley, react with jokes, empathy, and their own stories, while listeners chime in with awkward funeral experiences of their own. The mood stays light, blending genuine feelings with characteristic Bert Show humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Jen's Awkward Funeral Mix-Up

• Jen’s Story Unfolds (01:07 – 06:29)
  • Jen explains she missed her friend's mother's funeral but made it to the burial, only to find four tents at the cemetery and no clear directions to the correct service.
  • After asking Navy servicemen at one tent, who direct her to the wrong location, Jen joins a procession, unsure if she’s with the right group.
  • She ends up at the tent marked by the Navy guys as “Calhoun” rather than “Gibson,” her friend’s family, and contemplates how to gracefully back out.
  • Relief comes when her friend steps out of the family car, confirming Jen is at the right burial—though no thanks to the misinformed Navy guys.

Quote:
"I thought, well, I'm just gonna have to go pay my respects to Mr. and Ms. Calhoun."
— Jen (04:47)

• The Panic of Being Trapped
  • Jen humorously explains the anxiety of being stuck in a one-way, blocked-in funeral procession, unable to escape without causing a scene or disrespect.

Quote:
“Did you think for a few minutes about putting the car in reverse and backing up the whole way?”
— Melissa (05:53)

• Cultural and Situational Awareness
  • Jen adds another layer, noting the discomfort of being the only white attendee at what appeared to be a predominantly African American service. Even if it was the right family, people hadn’t seen her at the funeral, so she was a stranger to all.

Light-hearted Debate: Funeral Procession Etiquette (06:37 – 07:55)

• Melissa brings up the ‘pseudo motorcycle cops’ that block traffic for funeral processions, describing their demeanor with playful disdain.
• The conversation turns to the annoyance of non-funeral vehicles sneaking into the procession, and the general confusion or bravado that can ensue.

Quote:
"I mean, they whip those bikes around ... they stop traffic like their hand is up, you know, rock solid. And they're just sitting there and they're like, that's right. I am stopping all this traffic."
— Melissa (07:01)

Caller Stories: More Funeral Funnies

• Becky’s Checkers Run Gone Wrong (08:09 – 09:05)
  • Becky calls in with a story of leaving a funeral for fast food, only to realize the funeral procession had passed her, leaving the family to scramble to catch up.
• Melissa’s High School McDonald’s Detour (09:11 – 10:16)
  • Melissa recounts following a hungry friend's lead during a funeral procession—only for the entire line of mourners to follow their car through the McDonald's drive-thru by accident.

Quote:
"He turns off the road to go down the road where the McDonald's is. The entire procession follows down."
— Melissa (10:04)

• Ashley’s New York Traffic Mistake (10:41 – 11:47)
  • Ashley recalls, as a new driver, interrupting a funeral procession at an intersection, honking at the cars only to later realize her blunder after a cop yelled at her.

Quote:
"I'm, like, going through this red light. So I'm just...honking and wailing my horn at all these people."
— Becky (11:19)

• Etiquette Lesson: Last Car and Funeral Cops (11:57 – 13:07)
  • A caller explains the etiquette: if you’re the last car in a funeral procession, you should flash your lights so police know when it’s over. Ignoring this led her to be pulled over by the police—embarrassingly, as the spouse of an officer.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• "Once you're in, you're in. So I'm in the procession and we go around and we're going around ... I thought, how am I gonna pull off paying my respects to somebody I don't even know?"
  — Jen (04:11 & 04:47)

• "Not to spin your tires on the grave of another."
  — Melissa, joking about learning respect in cemeteries (06:16)

• "If you get stuck in the wrong procession, just go with it. Say your prayers exactly. And just say, I'm just a friend of the family."
  — Jen (06:21 & 06:26)

• "Did he explain to you that you were in error or did you figure it out later?"
  — Melissa challenges about funeral procession faux pas (11:41)

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• Jen’s story begins: (01:07)
• Mix-up with Navy guys: (02:19 – 03:52)
• Procession panic and cultural note: (04:10 – 05:29)
• Conversation on funeral etiquette and humor: (06:16 – 07:55)
• Listener call-in stories: (08:05 – 13:07)

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Summary Tone & Takeaways

The cast leans into their hallmark warmth and self-deprecating humor, encouraging listeners to share and laugh at moments of awkwardness. For anyone who’s ever attended a funeral—or feared making a faux pas in a sensitive setting—this episode is a comforting reminder: sometimes, the best way to cope with embarrassment is to share the story, laugh, and learn from it.

Lesson of the Day:
Don’t overthink it if you end up at the wrong funeral—just act respectfully and pay your regards! And if in a funeral procession, maybe skip the fast-food detour…

Transcript

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[Melissa]

So Melissa had a sad day yesterday, but as she always does, found some light.

[Jen]

Yeah, well, I mean, yesterday, the sad part of the story, tragic part of the story, is a dear friend of mine who is my oldest friend here in Atlanta, her sweet mama passed away last week and so the funeral was yesterday. Now, the funeral took place while we were still here at the station. So I had to miss the funeral but made the burial. And so Katie went to the funeral and we tag teamed it and I went to the burial. So when I left here, changed clothes, went and got the address for the cemetery. And so I got there and when I got there, there was no crowd or procession of cars. So either I was too late or too early. So I just parked over to the side near the office and I thought, well, let me ask somebody and see if this has already taken place. Well, there were four. Usually at a cemetery, if you have never been to a service, to prepare for the service, they usually have a tent over the grave site because, you know, for shading, either for the sun or the rain, whatever. But at least it gives you an idea that they were about to have a service or just had one. Well, there were four tents up at different sites at the cemetery, so I didn't know which one, you know, but I'm like at least four, four events are taking place today, right?

[Melissa]

And they're not marked. Like there's not.

[Jen]

Like that's what they need to start doing is putting the last name somewhere Draped down the tent or something to let people know. But usually it's just the funeral, you know, you know, name on the tent. But I. But yeah, so four tents were up, so I didn't know which one to go to. Right. So I thought, well, I asked somebody. Well, there was one, one site where they looked like there's a little activity. Some of the service, you know, some of the guys that work at the cemetery were kind of preparing it. And there were three Navy guys that were nearby. And I thought, well, I didn't know her mom was a, like in the Navy, you know, like a Navy vet. Yeah. And so I thought, okay, well, let me go ask. So I went over to him and I said, you know, is this, is this the Gibson, you know, service? And they said, no, it's for Calhoun. And I said, okay, well, I need the Gibson. So I thought, well, I'll just, I'll just see what, I'll just see. I'll just see what happens. So as I'm walking back to my car, then on the street, I see the procession come into the cemetery. So I thought, well, this must be them. The timing must be perfect. So I got in the car and I sat there now with, you know, and if you're not familiar, a lot of times the hearse will go, then the family car is after. And the family car is usually nice and the windows are tinted so you can't really see into the family whose family it is. Yes. And my friend's the daughter, so. And I thought, well, I needed to see in that. So I sat in the car and the hearse went by and I was going to wait till at the end of the procession. And then when the family cart went by, I thought, just in case it is them, I smiled in case she saw me. But if it wasn't them, they're thinking, who's this crazy girl that's just smiling at the family car sitting in the cemetery?

[Melissa]

Smiling at the processions sitting in the cemetery.

[Jen]

Happy day.

[Melissa]

Hey.

[Jen]

So they're going. So they're going by. So I get in the back of the procession. Now, if you've never been to a cemetery, it was a nice large cemetery, but there's small roads and that lead around it. And those roads are not two way roads, they're just one way roads. So I get in the back of the procession.

[Melissa]

So once you're in, you're in.

[Jen]

Once you're in, you're in. So I'm in the procession and we go around and we're going around we pass the other one tent, we pass the second tent, we pass the third tent. And the guy had swung us all the way back around to that original tent, where I'd asked the Navy guys, the Calhoun family, the Calhoun tent. So I'm in the procession and I'm at this grave sign at the end

[Ashley]

of it at the wrong funeral.

[Jen]

And I thought. And I called Katie and I said. I said, I think I'm about to go to the wrong service. And I said, but what do you do in this situation? Well, I can't. Just because they had blocked the road. Once they park, they parked and they'd block the road. And I thought, well, I'm just gonna have to go pay my respects to Mr. And Ms. Calhoun.

[Melissa]

So you didn't.

[Jen]

So the people started walking toward the side. And I just got out of the car and I just stood there and I just kind of slowly walked my way over toward it. And then on top of everything, I mean, it was. I was the only white. It was a predominantly African American because my friend's African American. So this was an African American. I thought, well, maybe may, but I'm the only white girl there. So I thought, well, I'm gonna stand out if I. If this is the wrong one. And so I just start walking up, people looking at me like. And again, I didn't go to the funeral. So even if it's the right one, people have not seen me yet. And so people start looking at me. I thought, what do I. Okay, fine, you know what? Just act like you, you know, so it's a very respectful way to the end. So I have to say the ending.

[Melissa]

Did you stay through the whole service?

[Jen]

I have to say in the ending, when the family got out of the car, thank God my friend walked out of the car. And the Navy guys had gotten it wrong. And the Navy guys, once the Navy gu. That it was their wrong, it wasn't Calhoun, it was Gibson. They. They went on to wherever they needed to go.

[Ashley]

So they were at the wrong ones.

[Jen]

But for 10 minutes, I thought, how am I gonna pull off paying my respects to somebody I don't even know?

[Melissa]

Did you think for a few minutes about putting the car in reverse and backing up the whole way? You can't. Down the road.

[Jen]

You can't, because you're in a three

[Ashley]

point turn over somebody's grave?

[Jen]

No, I mean, if you learn any lesson in life, what Jen just said is the lesson. But yeah, so everything worked out yesterday. But I just thought, I've got to tell these guys the story, because only I would get in a sit, which I had to, you know, play like I knew the family.

[Melissa]

What did you learn from the bird show today? Not to spin your tires on the grave of another.

[Jen]

And if you get stuck in the wrong procession. Just go with it.

[Ashley]

Just go with it. Yes.

[Jen]

Say your prayers exactly. And just say, I'm just a friend of the family.

[Melissa]

Totally unrelated. Well, I love that we'll get to not unrelated, but, you know, as long as we're talking funerals.

[Jen]

Right.

[Melissa]

Is it just me, or do the pseudo motorcycle cops who block traffic seem to have an attitude like, what do you mean? Well, I live near a cemetery, so I get stuck behind that probably more often than other people maybe do.

[Ashley]

Like on Saturdays where they all have the thing hanging down from the rear view mirror.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it says funeral.

[Ashley]

It says funeral. It's like the bright, long newspaper.

[Melissa]

And there's a couple of motorcycle cops who kind of lead the way. And I think they clear traffic lights for them so they can go right through lights and stuff. And I know the guys who work for the cemetery that's near my house. Like, they are so Paul Blart, Mall Cop. I mean, they whip those bikes around, they whip those cars around or the motorcycles around, and they stop traffic like their hand is up, you know, rock solid. And they're just sitting there and they're like, that's right. I am stopping all this traffic.

[Jen]

Which is worse, the mall cop motorcycle guys who are doing that or the people who get in the procession that have. No. That aren't in the funeral, they're just trying to get through the light.

[Ashley]

They're, like, weaving around, like, put on their blanket.

[Jen]

They're trying to get behind them. Yeah.

[Melissa]

Turn my headlights on.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

So they think.

[Melissa]

Then you get to the cemetery and they just.

[Jen]

Emergency lights on. Yeah. And then they keep going.

[Melissa]

Sorry, different funeral. So, service jet.

[Jen]

I'm looking for Calhoun.

[Melissa]

That must be Melissa.

[Jen]

What if those Navy guys had started, like, they had a bugle with them? What if they started playing the bugle at the wrong one?

[Becky]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

Oh, embarrassing.

[Jen]

So, anyway, funeral comments.

[Melissa]

Hey, Kimberly.

[Jen]

I wasn't trying to make it.

[Caller Becky]

Hey, how are you?

[Melissa]

Good, how are you?

[Becky]

Oh, my God. I have a. It's horrible. But it's a funny funeral story.

[Jen]

Funny funeral story.

[Becky]

A couple of years ago, my great aunt passed away, and we're going to Rome, Georgia. We don't know where we are. The funeral is forever. Everybody wants to sing a song. Everybody wants to say something. It's in the hot summer we're all just blustering with heat. We're like, we're hungry. We've got to get some food. The funeral lasted, no joke, three hours. So a few of the family members are like, okay, listen, let's just run down the road. We saw our checkers. Let's just go get something to eat. Oh my God. We realized the body is passing us by. We don't know where we're going. We have to jump out of this. The. We have to jump out of the drive through line and go behind in the procession line because we didn't know where we were going. We're out of town. We don't know where the burial site is or anything. And we just felt so bad. But I mean, I understand, I do, I understand.

[Jen]

What would have been worse is that if you had gone in the checkers line and half the procession followed you through the checkers.

[Melissa]

That actually happened to me in high school. We were in the funeral procession line and it was a parent of one of the kids I went to school with who passed away unexpectedly. So it was everybody's first funeral and we all went early in the morning and four of us were in one car. And the guy driving, he's like, dude, I gotta get something to eat. I didn't have breakfast, I overslept, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I'm just gonna swing in. And I mean, this is. Cause it was a young guy. Like, I think the younger the person is sometimes the longer the funeral procession is. So there's like hundred cars in the procession. He's halfway through and he says, I swear I'm gonna swing through McDonald's. We'll get us all food, we'll eat it on our way to the service or the cemetery.

[Ashley]

We'll get back in line at the end of these cars.

[Melissa]

Yes. So he turns off the road to go to down the road where the McDonald's is. The entire procession follows down.

[Jen]

Did he had to turn around? Did he go to McDonald's?

[Melissa]

Yes, the entire procession. And he didn't realize until he made the turn into McDonald's and like the cars behind him, just.

[Jen]

Cause you're just following the person in front of you.

[Melissa]

Yep.

[Jen]

Wow. I said, you can't.

[Melissa]

I actually somebody in the car said, I don't think you can get off the route if you have the little flag on the front of your car. They had a little magnet that said funeral on the front of the car. He's like, I don't think you can get off the route. I don't think that's legal. He's like, nah, it's fine. Turns off, and the whole procession follows him. Hey, Ashley. Welcome to the show.

[Caller Becky]

Hello.

[Melissa]

Hey, Jen, I don't think we're gonna get to your 911 audio because there are so many funny funeral stories.

[Jen]

Good. These are good.

[Melissa]

Hey, what's going on? Ashley?

[Becky]

Hey, good morning. I love your show.

[Melissa]

Thank you.

[Becky]

When I was 17, I had just got my license up in New York, and I was at college, and I had never, ever seen or heard of them stopping traffic. You know, everybody goes through. So I'm at the red light, pulling out of my school, and I had seen a cop go by, and then all, like. It must have been 100 people with their lights on. My light turns green, and I'm honking and honking. I'm, like, going through this red light. So I'm just. I have a green light, and I'm, like, in the middle of the intersection honking and wailing my horn at all these people.

[Jen]

Oh, no.

[Becky]

Completely clueless to it. And then I guess when I finally got through, merged into them. And then I pull up to the next flight, and the cop is screaming at me, and I'm yelling at him,

[Caller Becky]

like, can you believe this?

[Becky]

I can't believe these people just walking this red light, going crazy. Adam. And he wasn't happy with me. I didn't get a ticket, but oops.

[Melissa]

Hey, did he explain to you that you were in error, or did you figure it out later?

[Becky]

I figured it out after I called my friend. Yeah.

[Melissa]

Hey, Becky.

[Caller Becky]

Hey.

[Melissa]

Becky's gonna teach us a lesson.

[Caller Becky]

How are you guys doing?

[Jen]

Good.

[Melissa]

Becky's got a lesson about not messing with the funeral cops.

[Caller Becky]

Well, it's actually almost the same story. I wanted to make sure you knew the proper etiquette, that if you are behind a funeral procession, what you're supposed to do.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Caller Becky]

I was the last person in line, and I thought because they had left enough room for me to actually pull around the police officer, even though, yes, I had to go a little bit on the gravel. But I was like, okay, whatever. Yeah, you're supposed to stop and flash your lights at them to let them know that you're the last person.

[Jen]

Oh, really? So he just kept letting people through because he didn't know?

[Caller Becky]

No, I mean, I guess I was just the last person. And I sat there for a while, and I was like, okay. You know, thinking that they would just be like, all right, come on, come on. Oh, no. So I was just like, all right. Well, I don't want to hold anybody else up.

[Becky]

So I just went around them.

[Caller Becky]

Sure enough, they followed me and pulled me over.

[Melissa]

Funeral? You got pulled over by a funeral cop?

[Becky]

I did.

[Caller Becky]

And the worst thing is I'm actually married to a police officer, so they knew who I was.

[Melissa]

Oh, that's fun.

[Jen]

Embarrassing.

[Becky]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

And I can't imagine, I can't imagine they give you real tickets. I imagine it's just like something handwritten on a post. It.

[Caller Becky]

Yeah, no, but my husband was like, are you kidding me? I'm like, look, that was not in the rule book when I studied for my.

[Melissa]

Thanks for the call, Becky.

[Caller Becky]

Bye.

[Melissa]

The bird Show.

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[Alex Kanchwitz]

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[Melissa]

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