Vault: Melissa's mom can predict American Idol winners

Summary

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The Bert Show — Vault: Melissa's Mom Can Predict American Idol Winners

Date: August 10, 2026
Panelists: Bert Show Host, Jessica, Frankie, "Millie Pete’s Child" (Melissa), Ryan
Main Theme:
A lively and humorous morning show episode broadcast from the Nokia Theater, focusing on Melissa’s mom “Millie Pete” and her uncanny knack for predicting American Idol winners. The show also delves into personal anecdotes about family traditions, fashion, American Idol performances, and a side quest into the perils of hiking (and riding mules) in the Grand Canyon.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around the annual tradition of Melissa's family making detailed predictions for the American Idol finale—most notably led by her 81-year-old mother, Millie Pete, who employs her unique brand of blunt honesty and methodical chart-keeping. The hosts riff on her predictions, discuss the finalists' quirks in detail, and transition into a humorous, self-deprecating conversation about an upcoming Grand Canyon trip, mule weight limits, and body image.

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Key Segments & Themes

1. Melissa’s Mom: The Oracle of American Idol (00:46–05:14)

• Setting the Stage (00:46)
  The Bert Show is broadcasting live from the Nokia Theater before the American Idol finale. The energy is high as they discuss tonight's anticipated winner.

• Who Is Millie Pete? (01:23)
  Melissa (“Millie Pete’s Child”) introduces her mother—a devoted American Idol fan who meticulously charts contestants’ weekly progress alongside her 89-year-old sister.

  “She makes a chart of American Idol every year… Her, she makes a chart of American Idol every year. And every week she has her chart in front of her.” — Millie Pete’s Child (01:47)

• Serious Competition (02:02)
  Millie Pete and her sister engage in serious Idol analysis, crossing off eliminated contestants—proving this is “serious business to these senior citizens.”

• Millie Pete’s Unfiltered Email (02:18–03:41)
  Melissa reads an email from her mom, written a week prior, with frank opinions on the remaining contestants:

  • Crystal: “has dreadlocks and gaps in her teeth... can’t walk on heels.”
  • Lee: “sings great but has puffy hair in the back... wears his pants too low.”
    Despite these criticisms, Millie Pete’s pick is clear:

  “Though I believe Lee will win.” — Read by Millie Pete’s Child (03:38)

• Discussion of Blunt Critique (03:13–04:59)
  The panel appreciates Millie Pete’s no-nonsense (occasionally savage) style, with Jessica laughing about her old-school bluntness.

  “Category of something is just — that’s just ridiculous.” — Jessica, mimicking Millie Pete (02:52) They joke about Crystal’s “clunky” heel-walking (04:01) and dissect Lee’s fashion missteps.

• Consensus or Contest? (04:27–05:06)
  Debate ensues whether Millie Pete’s prediction will ring true, with hosts agreeing Crystal is the better singer but Lee has the voting fanbase.

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2. The Grand Canyon & The Curse of the Mule Tour (05:14–12:00)

• Frankie’s Big Adventure (05:14–06:11)
  Frankie preps for his Grand Canyon hike and hopes to use a mule for the return trip—but soon learns of a harsh restriction.

  “So I thought that, oh, wait a minute, they have mules. And then Jeff smash my dreams.” — Frankie (06:19)

• Mule Weight Limit Realization (08:23–09:11)
  Jessica, sharing her own experience, explains that the mule tours impose a weight limit (around 200-225 lbs), crushing Frankie's hopeful plan.

  “It was like £200 or something, or it’s like 225. I don’t remember what the amount was, but it was not close enough that I thought, you know what, I'll just stay away from the pasta for a couple of weeks.” — Jessica (09:11)

• Body Image Banter (06:33–07:31)
  The hosts exchange gentle jabs about their “husky kid” days, likening themselves to children who’d “trade apples for Oreos” and needing elastic pants.

  “But I think, you know, if we were in elementary school, they would call us the husky kids, right?” — Jessica (07:06)
  “At the husky table, we’d have more pants than Bert. That would involve elastic.” — Jessica (07:12)

• Dodging the Truth — Creative Excuses (09:11–10:53)
  When Jessica had to turn down a mule tour, she fabricated an allergy to “mule dander.” The hosts riff on the awkwardness of explaining the real reason.

  “I’m allergic to mules.” — Jessica (09:32)

• Reality of the Hike — Facing the Grand Canyon (11:11–11:59)
  Frankie faces the daunting truth of hiking out of the canyon with “a 200 plus pound payload.”

  “We’re not worried about the pants we’re wearing. We’re worried about moving a 200 plus pound payload to the top of the Grand Canyon using our own knees.” — Jessica (11:16)
  The group jokes about alternate routes, mule support, and the need for “an attitude change” halfway into the descent.

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3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Brutal Family Honesty:
  “She can say what she wants.” — Birch Show Host on Millie Pete’s candor (03:12)

• On Lee’s Fashion:
  “Lee sings great but has puffy hair in the back… and a low crotch, or wears his pants low.” — Read from Millie Pete (03:16–03:24)

• Crystal’s Struggles:
  “She walks like an 81-year-old woman in heels.” — Frankie (04:06)
  “They didn’t want her to win. They wanted her to fall down.” — Frankie (04:23)

• On the Mule Tour Weight Limit:
  “It’s not a me thing. It’s a mule thing.” — Birch Show Host (10:53)
  “My mule is strong, but it’s not that strong.” — Birch Show Host, joking about explaining things at the canyon (11:11)

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4. Key Timestamps

• 00:46: Show opens at Nokia Theater before American Idol finale
• 01:23: Introduction of Millie Pete and family Idol prediction charts
• 02:18: Reading Millie Pete’s detailed critical email
• 03:38: Millie Pete’s final prediction: "I believe Lee will win"
• 04:01: Discussion of Crystal’s “clunky” stage walk
• 05:14: Transition to Grand Canyon/mule hiking story
• 06:19: Frankie’s mule tour hopes dashed
• 07:06: “Husky kids” table childhood humor
• 09:32: Excuse of “mule dander” allergy
• 11:11: Mule strength and self-deprecating hike humor

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Conclusion

This episode is a classic Bert Show blend: heartfelt family traditions, biting honesty (courtesy of “Millie Pete”), and irreverent, self-deprecating humor. Listeners are treated to both the high stakes of American Idol predictions and the very real, relatable struggle with body image and vacation logistics. The warmth among the hosts, their willingness to poke fun at themselves and each other, and the colorful intergenerational storytelling make this an engaging and entertaining episode—even for those with no vested interest in American Idol or mule tours.

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Transcript

[Ryan]

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[Birch Show Host]

The Bird Show. This is the Birch Show. It's Q100. And the Birch Show. Live from the Nokia Theater on the morning of the evening of the the winner of American Idol.

[Frankie]

Wow.

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Could you.

[Jessica]

We're almost inside.

[Birch Show Host]

I'm so. Get me out.

[Jessica]

I'm so sick of these people.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Had no sleep.

[Jessica]

Could you have taken a longer road to the end of that?

[Birch Show Host]

I mean, we've all sort of been debating who we think is going to be crowned champ tonight. But yes, according to Melissa's family, this is done. This is done. And it has been written in the stars.

[Millie Pete's Child]

That's right. Millie Pete. My mother. Millie Pete. Actually, today is her birthday. Today's her 81st birthday. So happy birthday. But she had actually stripper cop. Actual fireman. Anyways.

[Jessica]

Well, I was just gonna say careful. Didn't she have a heart procedure?

[Millie Pete's Child]

Well, she's got a better heart now. She can take a lot more.

[Jessica]

You don't need him whipping out his hose and her getting.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Okay, this is Billy Pete.

[Frankie]

This is her mother.

[Millie Pete's Child]

This is my mother.

[Frankie]

Stop it.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Okay. Anyway, so she loves American Idol. I had twit picked a while back and I'll have to do that again. Her. She makes a chart of American Idol every year. And every week she has her chart in front of her. So last night she had that chart ready to go.

[Birch Show Host]

What is on this chart?

[Millie Pete's Child]

She takes notes on who, how people did and then she crosses them off when they had been voted off. And she is 81 today. And my aunt, her sister, is 89. And they're on the phone together with their charts charting American Idol. Okay, so this is serious business to these senior citizens.

[Birch Show Host]

No more joking.

[Millie Pete's Child]

No More joking. So this is an email she happened because she knew I was coming out here. She sent this to me and my aunt about a week ago and it's her predictions and all it said was Millie Pete's predictions in the subject line.

[Ryan]

Okay.

[Birch Show Host]

So this was even before we saw what we saw last night.

[Millie Pete's Child]

This is before last night. So I have not received another email. Email on whether or not her opinion has changed. But here we go. Quotes. I have been watching American Idol for months, since February 24th. I believe I went through all the ridiculous to get here. As you put ridiculous in quotes.

[Jessica]

That's an old person way to use ridiculous.

[Tyler Redick]

Right.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Ridiculous to get here.

[Jessica]

Category of something is just. That's just ridiculous.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Just ridiculous.

[Jessica]

That's how she would describe our show if she listened to it.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah, I think she.

[Millie Pete's Child]

I think she has. And she goes on to say, I think Crystal and Lee both have things America will vote against. Like Crystal's dreadlocks and gaps in her teeth. Wow. And Eddie wonders she's going to tell like it is.

[Birch Show Host]

She can say what she wants.

[Millie Pete's Child]

That's right. And she can't walk on heels.

[Frankie]

That's true.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Okay. Lee sings great but has puffy hair in the back.

[Frankie]

What?

[Millie Pete's Child]

And wait till this next line.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Millie Pete's Child]

That Katie and I just screamed at. And a low crotch or where's his pants? Low. Just to let me know what she's talking about. She said America at large does not like that. And then in the end she says, though I believe Lee will win. So Lee is her.

[Jessica]

So despite the puffy hair in the back and a low crotch.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Yes.

[Jessica]

He can still pull out the victory over the woman who's got bad teeth

[Millie Pete's Child]

and can't walk on heels with her dreadlocks.

[Birch Show Host]

She doesn't.

[Frankie]

That is really true. I mean, they made her walk down those stairs and heels too for her performance. And that was so clunky.

[Millie Pete's Child]

I was so nervous. And you can tell that she was

[Birch Show Host]

looking down every step.

[Frankie]

Yeah.

She walked. Walks like an 81 year old woman in heels.

[Millie Pete's Child]

She walks like she's had hip replacement. Yes.

[Frankie]

Like, kind of like that waddle, you know?

[Millie Pete's Child]

Yeah.

[Frankie]

Like she never learned to walk in heels. So don't put her in heels. Why is she on in heels on

[Birch Show Host]

the show and going downstairs and going

[Frankie]

downstairs is like torture. They didn't want her to win. They wanted her to fall down.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Well, the thing is I. After watching it last night, I feel like Crystal's the better singer. But Millie Pete's choice is lace. So we'll see who.

[Birch Show Host]

Okay. I'm gonna go against Millie Pete on this one.

[Frankie]

You think? Well, I think Crystal's definitely the better singer. But I feel the posters that we saw in the audience that Lee has more young teenage fans and they're the ones who vote.

[Birch Show Host]

We'll see.

[Jessica]

We'll know.

[Birch Show Host]

We'll know in a couple hours.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Right.

[Jessica]

And keep, keep in mind, too, that this was written before last night's performances.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Correct.

[Jessica]

So he may have fixed his crotch or puffy head.

[Millie Pete's Child]

I gotta say, Mom, I didn't look at his crotch, so I don't know.

[Birch Show Host]

Crystal couldn't fix her teeth.

[Frankie]

Well, I did. And I have to agree with Philly P. He wears his pants too low.

[Millie Pete's Child]

And America at large. At large.

[Birch Show Host]

All right. We will be. We will be coming back to Atlanta. All of us various at different times, but our engineer here, Frankie. Frankie, he is hanging out and he is going to the Grand Canyon.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Yes, sir.

[Birch Show Host]

He's going to the Grand Canyon.

[Frankie]

How cool.

[Jessica]

Frankie. Frankie's been kicking ass for us all week. So we're sad that this is the last time we're gonna see him.

[Frankie]

Yeah, we'll miss you.

Yeah, it's a. It's. It's something very exciting for me because I've never. I've only flown over the Grand Canyon. I've never been actually to the Grand Canyon. So a friend of mine and I, we're going down and we're gonna hike down it.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Hike the Grand Canyon.

[Frankie]

It's four hours, apparently.

[Jessica]

I didn't know you were a hiker.

[Frankie]

You know, I've played soccer my whole life. I'm pretty athletic, so I think I can agree. You know, I think I can.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Nice call in front of Bird.

[Birch Show Host]

Good job. Never had a knee injury.

[Frankie]

I had an ankle injury. Not. Not my knees.

[Birch Show Host]

So you're going down four hours?

[Frankie]

Yeah.

[Birch Show Host]

Then you hang out down there overnight or do you immediately turn around and come back up?

[Frankie]

Well, I think we're going to have to turn around. We'll probably wait an hour, take some pictures or something like that and then come back up.

Come back up?

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[Frankie]

It's going to be really hard. And so then I thought that, oh, wait a minute, they have mules. And then Jeff smash my dreams.

[Jessica]

Okay, well, I got.

[Millie Pete's Child]

As he always does, we need to

[Birch Show Host]

paint a kind of a picture of. Of what Frankie looks like here.

[Jessica]

Frankie and I are similarly built. I don't play soccer though. Really? Or do anything that involves a lot of quick side to side movement or even really forward to backward movement. Now that I think about it. I mean, I think probably the fastest thing I do every day is shower. So Frankie may be a little more physically fit than me, but I would say, size wise, we might be similar. Right. You know, so Frankie's offended.

[Birch Show Host]

He's so offended.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Frank is like, what?

[Frankie]

I'm not offended. Go on.

[Jessica]

But I think, you know, if we were in elementary school, they would call us the husky kids, right?

[Birch Show Host]

Probably.

[Godfather Character]

Yeah.

[Frankie]

Okay.

[Jessica]

There would be. At the husky table, we'd have more pants than Bert. That would involve elastic.

[Frankie]

We got an extra dollar for lunch money.

[Jessica]

Yes, exactly. We were the kids who traded the apples for the Oreos.

[Birch Show Host]

Double stuff.

[Jessica]

Dude, mom gave me three apples. Just give me one.

[Frankie]

Double stuff.

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[Jessica]

Actually, don't. Just, you know what? You eat the double stuff and breathe on me.

[Birch Show Host]

So Frankie has this vision of going to the Grand Canyon, taking a mule down. Yeah. Well, at least halfway. Well, that was my.

[Frankie]

That was my plan B. Just in case, Right. If we go down, maybe, you know, back up's a little harder.

Have you done a lot of research on this?

No, but.

Oh, but Jeff.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Jeff filled him in on something.

[Jessica]

Well, because I've been there, and I remember we saw one of these mule tours and where you do the Grand Canyon thing. And I don't know why we were going to be in Arizona, but Jessica says, let's take a detour to the Grand Canyon and we'll do one of these tours, you know, and you stay in a cabin or something. And then while you're in the cabin, you wake up early in the morning, hop on the mule, take a little tour, have lunch. I'm like, that's cool. So she sends me the website to see if I'd be interested in it. And luckily, I read the fine print, and I mean, I. You know, I mean, it's a mule. Like, it. It carries stuff, right?

[Frankie]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Jessica]

Well, it's got a weight limit.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah. Everybody has a payload.

[Bubba Wallace]

Yep.

[Jessica]

So.

[Frankie]

And this is where my dreams got smashed.

[Jessica]

Yeah. Because there's something that's pretty humbling about going to your wife and letting her know that you can't do the mule tour you wanted to do.

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[Birch Show Host]

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[Jessica]

She would have been fine, but, you know, it's your family. I think you just have to explain in a situation like that that for the health and wellness of the mules, they have to carry other people. So I can't remember what it was, but it was like. It was. It was like £200 or something, or it's like 225. I don't remember what the amount was, but it was not close enough that I'm. That I thought, you know what, I'll just stay away from the pasta for

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a couple of weeks.

[Jessica]

I mean, it was far in a way exceeded. Like that mule would have gone out being like cartoon, like all four legs. And so I had to go to. I'd email Jessica back and the first email was, I'm not into the mule tour. Thank you.

[Birch Show Host]

You didn't tell her why? You just said,

[Jessica]

well, I've got a. I got a weird.

[Birch Show Host]

And it's not the mules thing.

[Millie Pete's Child]

I'm. I'm allergic to mules.

[Jessica]

Well, I think her original mule dander. Cuz then her next. Her follow up question is, how do you know? I'm like, well, you know, we used to have. We had to get rid of a mule when I was born. I got mule asthma. So she thought, I think she originally thought it was like, it was a horse thing.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Oh my God.

[Jessica]

Because, you know, she rides horses and I always get like real nervous because I'm afraid I'm going to be the guy on YouTube that gets kicked right in the nards by the horse. So I think she thought it was like that type of situation. So then she wrote back and said, mules are totally different. They're like, donkeys are low and small and they're not going to hurt you. And they're really cute. And I'm like, well, if you please read the information on page two, you will see on account of the fact that I'm the one who goes to Thanksgiving dinner three times,

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[Jessica]

On account of that situation and on account of the fact that the jogging I had been interested in partaking in of which was in like 1999, never happened. On account of that the mule is not eligible to carry me.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

Like, it's not. I'm not unable to get on the mule. The mule just doesn't qualify for me.

[Birch Show Host]

It's not a me thing. It's a mule thing.

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[Birch Show Host]

Which is way better than finding out, like, when you get there, putting the credit card down. Yeah. Like, you're down at the very bottom and you want to go back up and the dude has to tell you, sorry, bro, you can't. My, my mule is strong, but it's not that strong.

[Frankie]

And you're like wearing jeans or something because you went down on a mule, then you got to hike back up in jeans.

[Jessica]

Hey, Jen, at the risk of insulting Frankie again by comparing our statures, but when he or I are at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. We're not worried about the pants we're wearing. We're worried about moving a 200 plus pound payload to the top of the Grand Canyon using our own knees.

[Birch Show Host]

And you're doing it in one day.

[Frankie]

And then I gotta catch a flight at 9, 9 o' clock in the morning.

[Birch Show Host]

I think you're finally gonna have an attitude change. When you get to the bottom. I think someone's gonna say let's just live off the land for a couple.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Where does this river take us? That's great.

[Frankie]

What about one of those fancy helicopter tours?

My plans are gonna change a couple of times before I get there. I have a seven hour drive to think about this.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Yeah.

[Frankie]

Yeah.

[Millie Pete's Child]

Good luck, my friend.

[Jessica]

I would.

[Ryan]

When you.

[Jessica]

Yeah, when you swing through the drive through, I would stay away from it. If you can save a couple pounds, they might have stronger mules. This is a few years ago. Get it.

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