Vault: Melissa's Wild Superpower...

Summary

The Bert Show - "Vault: Melissa's Wild Superpower..." (April 8, 2026)

Detailed Episode Summary

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Main Theme & Purpose

In this lively and irreverent Bert Show episode, the team dives into Melissa’s self-proclaimed superpower: the ability to spot whether a woman is a virgin simply by observing her. The crew follow her on a comical social experiment at a local bar, exploring concepts of virginity, “born again” virgins, and the curious social dynamics and pressures linked to these labels. The discussion is candid, funny, and sometimes provocative, as they explore both personal experiences and broader cultural commentary.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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Melissa’s “Superpower” Put to the Test

• [02:05] Melissa introduces her superpower: “I can tell if a girl is a virgin or not because women put so much thought into losing it… they mentally change their demeanor.”
• Bert and the cast recount the premise: Melissa claims she can “spot a virgin from a non-virgin” and was challenged to put this to the test in a real-world setting.

The “Virgin Hunt” at Rio Grande

• [02:32] - [03:59] Melissa heads to Rio Grande in Buckhead on trivia night, accompanied by Katie as her “sidekick,” to observe women and try to identify virgins in the “wild.”
  • Comedy ensues with quips about “hunting virgins” (“Shh, be very quiet. We’re hunting for virgins.” – Melissa, [03:25]) and playful Robin/Batman banter between Melissa and Katie.
• The challenge proves tricky. Most women Melissa observes don’t give off “virgin vibes.”
  • Listeners hear how Katie suggests candidates, but Melissa is consistently unconvinced.

Approaching Strangers & The “Born Again Virgin” Phenomenon

• [04:40] - [06:30] Melissa recounts her strategy for approaching women, starting casual (“Are y’all Bert Show listeners?”) before getting to the point: “I really don’t think you’re a virgin.”
• The reactions are illuminating—and hilarious. One older woman, for example, says:
  • “Oh, no, I am a virgin. I’ve been divorced for four years, so I’m a virgin again.” ([05:41] Melissa, quoting respondent)
• The concept of “born again” virgins comes up repeatedly, with consensus around a “six-month reset,” which Melissa finds confusing to her “superpower.”

Candid Cast Reactions & Philosophical Debates

• Bert challenges the logic: “Let’s just play to common sense. You are not a virgin anymore once you engage in sexual activity.” ([07:39])
• Jeff draws analogies to other activities: “If you eat healthy and work out and you don’t go six months for—without working out… you’re still a runner.” ([07:55])
• The crew agree that virginity can’t just reboot: “That’s not born again. That’s a drought. That’s a rough patch.” ([07:34] Bert)

Gender, Shame, and Societal Pressure

• Melissa reflects on why women might want to reclaim virgin status: “I don’t think that you should be embarrassed by your sexual activity. …this idea of her number or her experience or whatever. So it’s almost as if in her mind she feels better, she cleanses it.” ([10:23])

Listener Call-Ins and Religious “Revirginization” Stories

• [10:48] - [12:01] Maggie calls in as a listener with a remarkable anecdote:
  • “I was 12 and I was in a Bible camp...they were performing a revirginization ceremony...God supposedly restores your virginity and yada, yada, yada.” ([10:53])
• Maggie’s critical question—“did God actually reach down and reknit the hymen?” ([11:39])—gets her removed from camp, to laughs from the hosts.
• Jeff jokes about commercializing revirginization: “I want to put a kiosk up at Perimeter Mall…they’ll give you a hair extension and you’re done. You’re a virgin again.” ([12:21])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

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• [03:25] Melissa (joking as Elmer Fudd): “Shh, be very quiet. We’re hunting for virgins.”
• [05:41] Melissa (quoting an interviewee): “Oh, no, I am a virgin. I’ve been divorced for four years, so I’m a virgin again.”
• [07:23] Melissa: “Born again virgin came up multiple times last night. And I asked, what qualifies you as a born again virgin? It was... six months.”
• [07:39] Bert: “That’s not born again. That’s a drought. That’s a rough patch.”
• [08:30] Jeff (fitness analogy): “If you eat healthy and work out …you’re still a runner.”
• [10:03] Maggie (listener): “Because you’re just having a rough batch, not getting any.”
• [11:39] Maggie (listener): “Did God actually reach down and re knit the hymen? Was the question that I asked. They called my mom like eight seconds later and they were like, come get her.”
• [12:21] Jeff: “I want to put a kiosk up at Perimeter Mall...they’ll give you a hair extension and you’re done. You’re a virgin again. Booyah.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:05 – 02:32: Melissa explains her “superpower” and how it works.
• 02:32 – 04:40: The night out at Rio Grande: scouting and humorous team commentary.
• 04:40 – 06:30: Approaches and reactions from women at the bar, “born again virgin” claims surface.
• 06:30 – 09:17: Cast debates definitions, compares to other activities, Melissa reviews her “accuracy.”
• 10:48 – 12:01: Listener Maggie relates her Bible camp revirginization story, sparking debate on religious rituals and social constructs.
• 12:02 – 12:59: Satirical ideas on commercializing revirginization, closing out with pride for inquisitive daughters.

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Tone & Style

The conversation is fast-paced, playful, and sprinkled with dry wit, relatable analogies, and quick-fire banter. The hosts engage authentically, with Melissa's willingness to “test” her powers leading to lighthearted and occasionally awkward social interactions. The show maintains its trademark blend of humor, honesty, and cultural observation, inviting both laughter and reflection.

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This episode provides a comedic but thoughtful look at the enduring myths around virginity, the performative aspects of sexual “status,” and the way language and shame shape conversations—delivered with the high-energy, real-talk tone that defines The Bert Show.

Transcript

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[Melissa]

My superpower is that I can tell if a girl is a virgin or not because women put so much thought into losing it. And so once it happens and it's such a, you know, they finally have allowed that Experience to happen for them. And they have sex for the first time. They mentally change their demeanor.

[Bert]

That's what Melissa has said all along.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Bert]

And she's got a superpower. She can spot a virgin from a non virgin. So last night she had an assignment.

[Melissa]

That's right. And so I was gonna go out, and I was. Because I said, I need to see women in their natural habitat. I need to see, you know, I need to put on, you know, the natural environment. Yeah. Like, I'm bird watching, have my binoculars, and I'm watching these women. Yeah, well, I normally do that, but otherwise. No, But I asked Wendy because I said. Because my concern was where to go where there was age diversity. Because I think the older women are.

[Jeff]

You asked Wendy where to find virgins

[Melissa]

where there was age diversity at a place to hang out. Anyway, don't give. Don't give Wendy a hard time. So. Because I feel like the older women get, the less likely that they're. Virginia.

[Bert]

That's just common sense.

[Melissa]

That's with anybody. So Wendy said, you know, what a great age diversity area. Rio Grande in Buckhead Trivia night last night. So Katie and I decided, you know what, we're gonna hang out at the deck, and we're gonna have dinner, and we're going to look for virgins. So we go to.

[Bert]

We're going virgin.

[Melissa]

We're going. Shh, be very quiet. We're hunting for virgins. Exactly.

[Jeff]

With the crocodile hunter now.

[Bert]

Cranky idea.

[Melissa]

Virgin. So I'm at Rio Grande last night. Katie and I were on the deck, and we're looking around, and I, you know, and it is a younger crowd, and we're looking around, and I'm trying to, you know, get my senses up and see and sense the virgins in the room. But it must not be virgin season, because I really. I really didn't sense. Because Katie would be like, well, what? You know, girl in the blue? And I'd look over there. I'm like, no, she's not a virgin.

[Bert]

So she's playing a little bit of Robin to your Batman during this whole thing. This is your sidekick here.

[Melissa]

That's right. Katie was my sidekick last night. Golly gee, Batman. What about that girl in the red? And I said, no, no, no, not a virgin, because that's okay, right? But. Well, it's okay, but it's not her gift. But. Well, the gift is I can tell virgins from non virgins. Now, the challenge yesterday from Bert was to find the virgin, though. And I had a hard time last night, but I Thought, you know what? I can't come away empty handed. So I thought, I'm going to go test it, because if I truly think that these women are not virgins, then I have to let them know, and I have to ask and see if I was proven wrong. So there were a few women that were not willing to participate in my little study last night, but then I did.

[Bert]

How did you approach them? Because that was part of your concern. So how did you approach these women?

[Melissa]

Well, I went up and I. Well. Well, let me tell you, because I was. I used the radio thing. I had to. So I went up and I said, by the way, do y' all happen to be Burch show listeners? And so. And there were some out of town groups that were not Birch show listeners.

[Jeff]

Uh, we liked Delilah.

[Melissa]

So. Yes. And this was not quite the. I don't. I don't think this is actually where

[Bert]

we stole this bit from exactly. Delilah did the same thing a couple times.

[Melissa]

Delilah's always asking all the time, tell

[Jeff]

us into your happy place and tell me if you're a virgin or not a virgin. It doesn't matter. This is just a place for you to unwind and relax.

[Melissa]

What song dedication would you like to give for your sexual experience tonight? No, that's not what she does. So, anyway, so I did go up last night at Rio Grande and talked to several women and confronted them and said, you know what? I really don't think you're a virgin. And this is the response I got.

[Bert]

I really don't think you're a virgin.

[Melissa]

I don't think you're a virgin. All right, I'm Gonna ask you two questions. One, how old are you? 53. My superpower is I can detect virgins on the deck. And I'm assuming that you're not a virgin. Are you a virgin? Oh, no, I am a virgin. I've been divorced for four years, so I'm a virgin again. If you're, like a born again virgin, how long does that take? I'm gonna say six months. And then you're. You're thinking, like, I've gotta find somebody because I've gotta go after it again. Okay, perfect. Now your daughter's at the table with you. Is your daughter a vi. Well, I would like to say yes, but I know she's not. So are you a virgin? No. And I'm assuming that you're not a virgin either. Based on her definition, yes.

[Bert]

Now, I think it's funny that Melissa's initial concern yesterday was she didn't want to seem creepy, Right. Yet she goes up to a mom and her kids, and in front of the mom says, are you a virgin?

[Melissa]

And that's the reason I was positive, because I actually talked to other people before her. And so I got my confidence up before I got to the table of the mother with the two daughters.

[Jeff]

And by talking to other people, you're referring to your server who brought you margaritas to get that confidence up.

[Melissa]

There may have been one in both.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Because I'm allowed one or two. And so, yeah, so I went up to the mother, and she had the two daughters there. I still didn't think the daughters were virgins, but I thought I'd ask her. But the reoccurring theme I had from last night was that when I would talk to women and I'd say, you know, I'm getting the feeling you're not a virgin. She said, no, but born again virgin came up more than once last night.

[Bert]

This is a pet peeve of mine. This is such a ridiculous mind game that women play with themselves.

[Melissa]

Born Again virgin came up multiple times last night. And I asked, what qualifies you as a born again virgin? It was the same as that woman. It was six months. Because it said once at six months, you hit a restart button. That's not born again. That's a drought. So it's not. That's a rough patch.

[Bert]

Can we just play the women's common sense here just for a sec? Let's just play to common sense. You are not a virgin anymore once you engage in sexual activity.

[Melissa]

When intercourse.

[Bert]

Intercourse. Okay, it's over. That's it.

[Melissa]

There's no more born again.

[Bert]

There's no more born again.

[Jeff]

You know, there's the connotation that comes with virginity, like, whether it's good or bad or whatever. So, like, you have to put it into something else, like running. Like, I think everybody would agree that running is good, right? So if you've run marathons and you run for fitness. Physical fitness, working out. Everybody would agree that working out is eating good, right? So if you go. If you eat healthy and work out and you don't go six months for. Without working out, do you become. Are you automatically, oh, you're unhealthy. You're a fat slob. You don't. You're still like, yeah, I haven't run in a few months, but I'm. Yeah, I run, but I'm still a runner. I'm still a runner.

[Bert]

We have talked about this before, and I would like to hear again the compelling Arguments from women that have labeled themselves born again virgins. And you really believe that?

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I mean, when you talk to your friends about it, you know, you say that you are a virgin.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Bert]

Because it's been, in your case here, what you're hearing is it's six months.

[Melissa]

Six months. That was the consent. There was no discrepancy of the time frame of being six months. And let me say, it confuses my superpower, because I know that you're not a virgin, but you're telling me you're a virgin. Born again virgin. I see. I don't. I don't. I don't detect born again. So I will say last night I was 100% accurate. But, you know, with your non virgin. With my non virgin. But I didn't find a virgin. Not virgins, but I couldn't find a virgin in the room last night. So I guess virgins don't go to Rio Grande.

[Jeff]

It's like back in the old episodes when the Penguin would put a disguise on and try to convince Batman and Bruce Wayne that he was a good person.

[Melissa]

But let me also say, just as a side note, I just want to brag a little bit because there was team trivia last night. And I know Jeff is going to judge us because we decided to play since we were there and we came in second place. Did you really? Yeah. Good for you. And our team name was. GG has seizures. Okay, so that's the name of Alyssa's dog. That's the name of our dog. So, Gigi Hess. Seizures came in second place last night. Thank you.

[Jeff]

I can't find a virgin, but I know the capital of, you know, Kenya.

[Bert]

Hey, Patricia.

[Melissa]

Virgin in last place.

[Bert]

Patricia, what's going on?

[Maggie]

Hey. I just wanted to agree with you guys. There is absolutely no reset button for your virginity.

[Melissa]

I don't care what you say.

[Bert]

Whoever said that there's, you know, It's a drought.

[Maggie]

Yes. That's what it is. Because you're just having a rough batch, not getting any.

[Bert]

But you're not a virgin again. Yeah. Nobody is calling up to defend themselves about the born again virgin thing. It's a ridiculous.

[Melissa]

Yeah, with good reason. Yeah, it's.

[Bert]

I mean, I don't even think women are buying it. Like, if your best friend came up to you and started throwing that phrase around, you'd look at her in a ridiculous way, wouldn't you?

[Melissa]

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, and then I think it's sad because I don't think that you should be embarrassed by your sexual activity. And I Still think women have. I don't think it ever seems to go away for women, this. This idea of her number or her experience or whatever. So it's almost as if in her mind she feels better, she cleanses it.

[Bert]

Oh, boy, this one is gonna be too good. Good morning. Maggie, you're on Q100. Hi.

[Maggie]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Maggie]

Morning. How are you?

[Bert]

I can't wait.

[Maggie]

Well, I am not a pro re virginization. I just have a great story. I was 12 and I was in a Bible camp and it was one of those laying on of hands kinds of churches. And they were performing a revirginization ceremony on some of the other girls and being. Yeah, they do this whole thing where they lay on the hands and God supposedly restores your virginity and yada, yada, yada.

[Jeff]

What are they putting the hands?

[Maggie]

Yeah, no, not so much. Not that kind of a camp. Not quite. But I got booted from camp because being very analytical at the time, I wanted someone to explain to me how exactly this worked. And did God actually reach down and re knit the hymen? Was the question that I asked. They called my mom like eight seconds later and they were like, come get her.

[Bert]

I bet they did. But the concept is that this priest or whoever could re virginize you.

[Maggie]

Theoretically, God was working through him. I. What?

[Bert]

Ooh, that sounds creepy. We are walking around.

[Maggie]

I don't know.

[Bert]

Yeah, we are walking a really fine line there.

[Jeff]

Thank you.

[Melissa]

I mean, gross. Well, and that goes the re virginization. And what is it? The. What's the pledge? What's that?

[Jeff]

Purity pledge.

[Melissa]

Purity thing and whatever is always geared toward the girls. Always make the girls pure. And they don't have these for. And it just, I think, perpetuates this whole confusion between men and women. It's just like.

[Jeff]

I think it's a brilliant idea. I want to put a kiosk up at Perimeter Mall. I'm going to hire some of those annoying women who tell you about your cuticles and won't let you pass. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? They're always Russian, right. And I'm going to have to.

[Melissa]

And the guy with the weird UFO floaty thing in the.

[Jeff]

Yeah, and that little Atari controller that plays every Atari game. I'm going to get one of those people and I'm going to convert one of those kiosks into a revirginization ceremony. And so the Russian woman will put the stuff on your hands or whatever and then say chant, Right. And then they'll give you a hair extension and you're done. You're a virgin again. Booyah.

[Melissa]

I will say though, if that listener was my daughter, I would be so proud if my 12 year old told

[Bert]

if she questioned you.

[Melissa]

How does this restitch the hymen?

[Bert]

I'd be like, that's my girl, the bircho.