Vault: Most Inappropriate Times to Request Sex

Summary

The Bert Show – “Vault: Most Inappropriate Times to Request Sex”

Date: January 14, 2026 | Host: Bert & Full Cast | Podcast: The Bert Show / Pionaire Podcasting

---

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, The Bert Show’s cast and listeners dive into cringe-inducing, hilarious, and sometimes shocking stories about the worst, most inappropriate times someone has requested sex. Bert kicks off with a scenario that sets the bar—his friend’s husband chose the absolute worst moment to make a move. Callers then chime in with real-life tales that leave the room equal parts aghast and amused, highlighting both the comic and absurd side of human intimacy (and insensitivity).

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: Choosing the Topic

[01:18–03:20]

• The hosts crowdsource their next topic with listener teases, but “inappropriate requests for sex” quickly wins over stories about stolen items and online dating revelations.
• Repeated agreement among listeners and hosts: sex is always the most intriguing topic.

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s sex. It’s all about sex. Oh, yeah. Sex, sex, sex.”
  — Raj (03:05)
• “If you want to get their attention, you gotta come to the table with sex.”
  — Raj (03:13)

---

2. Bert’s Actual Story: When the Timing Couldn’t Be Worse

[03:20–07:16]

• Bert recounts a friend’s experience: a husband in Seattle abruptly quits his job with no backup plan, then comes home excited to “hang out.” His wife, reeling from the shock, is hit with an unexpected sexual advance later that night.
• The hosts discuss gender dynamics, joking about the “on/off switch” for men and the “dimmer” for women regarding intimacy.

Notable Quotes:

• “While he’s sitting there in bed, smiling, she’s got a headache and is reeling. And he starts to make the move on…”
  — Raj (06:24)
• “What has transpired over the last four hours to make you think that I’m ready for sex right now?”
  — Bert, paraphrasing his friend’s wife (06:42)
• “There could be no worse case of a request for sex than that... she was so upset by the whole thing.”
  — Raj (07:02)
• “We have no boundaries, man. We’re always ready. We can always turn it around.”
  — Raj (12:37)

---

3. Listeners Share Their Most Inappropriate Sex Requests

a. The Seizure Request

[07:35–08:46]

• Caller Ray recounts his girlfriend’s bizarre wish to have sex during her next seizure:
  “Her request was the next time she had a seizure was we had sex while she was having a seizure.”
  — Ray (07:50)
• The studio is stunned, admitting this probably “wins” for most inappropriate timing.

b. Sex at a Funeral

[09:00–09:52]

• A listener describes her husband’s attempt to initiate sex at her father’s funeral—while her brother is in the next room.
  “It’s your father’s funeral, and he wants to have sex.”
  — Caller (09:38)
• The hosts mockingly highlight men’s “honey, I missed you!” approach, regardless of circumstances.

c. Post-Plastic Surgery

[10:14–10:41]

• Veronica calls in to say her partner asked for sex when she returned from major surgery—still “mummified, wrapped up and stuff.”
  “You come home all bandaged up, and dude is like, this is so hot.”
  — Raj (10:30)
• The team jokes that for some men, even surgical bandages are “Victoria’s Secret.”

d. After Cheating and Leaving

[10:54–11:51]

• Another caller shares her ex-husband’s nerve: after cheating, leaving home, and returning weeks later, he tries to initiate sex:
  “He really thought that would work. Started taking my clothes off, even, and I’m sitting there going, no, excuse me.”
  — Caller (11:29)

e. In Labor

[12:12–12:33]

• Mandy tells of her ex who insisted on sex while she was in labor, afraid of the looming “six-week wait”:
  “I woke him up and told him I was in labor. And before I could go to the hospital, he insisted I had sex with him.”
  — Mandy (12:14)
• The hosts joke:
  “He’s, like, cramming for a test. God bless him.”
  — Raj (12:28)

---

Most Memorable Quotes & Moments

On Gender and Timing

• “We can turn it on and we can turn it off quick. ...For women, that switch doesn’t flip nearly as quickly—it’s more of a dimmer.”
  — Raj (03:46–03:54)

When Listeners Stun the Room

• “I looked at him. I said, where have you been? ...My brother’s outside the other door. I’m thinking, are you crazy?”
  — Caller (09:37–09:41)
• “I’m into crazy things, but that was a little bit out of my league.”
  — Ray, regarding the seizure request (08:29)
• “All you gotta do is mummify yourself for some guys.”
  — Raj (10:41)
• “God bless you for getting up there and trying it.”
  — Raj, about the cheater’s audacity (12:07)

---

Call Timeline & Segment Guide

| Segment | Description | Timestamps | |---------|-------------|-------------| | Opening & Topic Vote | Listeners pick most inappropriate requests for sex | 01:18–03:20 | | Bert’s Story | Job-quitting husband tries to initiate sex | 03:20–07:16 | | Caller: Seizure Request | Ray’s girlfriend’s odd idea | 07:35–08:46 | | Caller: Funeral Faux Pas | Husband’s timing at dad’s funeral | 09:00–09:52 | | Caller: Surgical Bandages | Veronica’s post-op encounter | 10:14–10:41 | | Caller: Cheating Ex Returns | The absent, unfaithful husband tries his luck | 10:54–11:51 | | Caller: While in Labor | Mandy’s ex wants “one last time” | 12:12–12:33 |

---

Overall Tone

Real, raw, and unfiltered—The Bert Show leans into the comedy and shock factor of these stories, creating a safe space to share personal, sometimes outrageous moments. The banter never gets mean, and the relatability for both exasperated women and clueless men is ever-present.

---

Takeaways

• Men are hilariously (and sometimes disastrously) tone-deaf about sexual timing.
• Listeners share jaw-dropping stories of bad timing, from grief to surgery to childbirth.
• Laughter and camaraderie are the best ways to process even the most awkward stories.

---

For anyone who’s ever groaned at a partner’s awful sense of timing, this episode will have you nodding, laughing, and maybe shaking your head in disbelief.

Transcript

[Raj]

Hey, it's Raj and Noah.

[Noah]

And we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong? The show that explores the all too human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

Because we're still doing a lot of stuff wrong.

[Noah]

But who isn't? That's why each week, we're talking about the topics that we could all use a little helping hit with. Whether it's making new friends as an adult, managing our emotions, or even dreaming.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

We'Ll be talking to experts in their fields who are definitely doing things right, so the rest of us can be a bit wiser and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us.

[Noah]

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong? Dropping every Thursday starting January 1st, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

And for the first time ever, we're gonna have full video episodes on YouTube. Because as long as there are things to get wrong, we're gonna be right here to help you do them better.

[Guest or caller]

Love y'.

[Raj]

All.

[Commercial/Announcer]

In a world where January is supposed to be boring, one staple of the holidays refuses to end the great deals at Verizon. The joy just keeps on coming. Right now, you can save on four new phones and four. Critics agree it's the deal that keeps on giving. Come into Verizon and save on four new phones and four lines on unlimited. Welcome. Additional terms [e-mail] for details.

[Raj]

The bird show in the morning. We're taking a look at our leftovers from last week, and we've given you guys, like, one sentence. Teases and want to know which story you want to hear about. Jeff came to the plate with this one.

[Caller or guest]

What has gotten stolen from your place when you've had someone over for a hookup?

I have a friend that went frumpy and is it going to ruin? I said, oh, go ahead. I was saying, if you use match.com, there is now a way to find out the real truth about other people that are registered there.

[Raj]

And mine was the most inappropriate request for sex ever. The timing on it couldn't be worse. All right, so let's go to the phones. Good morning, Josh.

[Caller or guest]

Am I the only poor smuck in Atlanta that doesn't know what the word frumpy even means?

[Raj]

So you want to hear Jen's story?

[Guest or caller]

Yes.

[Raj]

Okay. Thank you.

[Caller or guest]

All right.

[Raj]

All right. Intern Jen tells me that these are representative of all the calls that we've taken. So good morning, Keisha.

[Caller or guest]

Hi.

I'm voting for your your story because.

[Raj]

It has to do with sex.

[Caller or guest]

All right.

[Raj]

Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller or guest]

Hello.

[Raj]

Hello.

[Caller or guest]

Good morning, Burt show.

[Raj]

Good morning.

[Caller or guest]

Hi.

[Guest or caller]

Hey.

[Caller or guest]

I just want to say that I want to hear Burt's story.

[Raj]

All right. Inappropriate sexual requests.

[Commercial/Announcer]

Yes.

[Caller or guest]

There's not many things that are more interesting than sex, so.

[Raj]

Agreed. Agreed. Good morning, Tanya. During all the hits. 200.

[Caller or guest]

Hi, how are you?

[Raj]

Good. How are you today?

[Caller or guest]

Doing great. Is this Bird?

[Raj]

It's all of us. Yeah.

[Caller or guest]

Hi, bird, how are you?

[Raj]

I'm doing great. What's going on?

[Caller or guest]

I'm so excited to talk to you all.

[Raj]

Well, thank you.

[Caller or guest]

You all are great. I mean the Bird show makes me get up in the morning no matter how harsh it is. I wake up six in the morning to jump in my car just to listen to all of you.

Awesome.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

Thank you.

[Raj]

Great testimonial. Thank you.

[Caller or guest]

Who's your vote for?

I want it for Burke.

[Raj]

Thank you. It's sex. It's all about sex. Oh, yeah. Sex, sex, sex.

[Caller or guest]

We get off the air and I looked at Burton and said, I kind of want to hear yours.

[Guest or caller]

Yeah.

[Raj]

You guys got to know, you got to come to the table for sex if you want their. I know you want to get their attention.

[Caller or guest]

All right. Bert gets his leftovers on.

[Raj]

All right, here's the story and I'll throw the topic out right off the bat again and hope we get some calls on it again. 404-741-1005 because really it is.

[Caller or guest]

It is.

[Raj]

It's perhaps the worst case of a request for sexual timing that I've ever heard. Or sexual timing request. Like here it is. And I'm sure women have relatable stories here because when it comes to guys, we can turn it on and we can turn it off quick.

[Caller or guest]

Right?

[Raj]

Really quick. And we know this about women that that switch doesn't flip nearly as quickly for women.

[Caller or guest]

It's more of a dimmer for women.

Yeah, you gotta turn it up slowly.

[Raj]

Yeah, just slowly.

[Caller or guest]

That's right.

[Noah]

Alright.

[Raj]

So Stacy and I have some friends that don't live in Georgia. They actually live in Seattle. And they've been married I guess now for, I don't know, two years maybe. Yeah, I guess about two years. And they had a baby a year ago, so it's still in the infant stage. And our friend Gene's husband one day just decided he woke up, gets to work and decides, you know what? This isn't the place for me. So he walks into the boss's office and he quits. That's it. You know, What? He has a nice paying job, too. They were doing real well. They were doing okay, you know. So he just quits his job. He's realizing that this is not his calling. He wants to go somewhere else and do something else. So he quits his job, comes home and tells Gene, hey, I had this epiphany. What I was doing before is not where I wanted to go. And I walked into my boss's office today. Gene, you're gonna be so proud of me. I quit my job. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take four weeks off just to hang out with the family. And Gene says to him, wait a second. You just walked into your boss's office and you quit your job? You don't have anything else lined up? And he says, no, it's kind of like the new me. I'm feeling kind of new about things. Need a fresh start. And she says, we have a mortgage payment now. We've got a newborn. You don't consult me before you go into your boss's office. And he says, I didn't really even think about it. Actually, I've been thinking about it for weeks and weeks and weeks. And you and I have talked about how my mood's been kind of crappy the last couple of weeks. And I thought you would just support any decision that I made. And she's like, are you out of your freaking mind? We've got a newborn. How are we going to eat? We don't have a whole bunch of money in the bank or anything. So they get in a big, big fight about it. And it's not resolved by the time they go to bed.

[Caller or guest]

Cause he already quit.

[Raj]

He already quit. He doesn't have anything else lined up. But he's feeling pretty good about himself. He feels like it's a jump start on a new life and all that. And she's sitting there and her mind is obviously reeling, like, what the hell are we gonna do? First, I feel disrespected. Cause my husband never consulted with me. We're a family now. Secondly, I'm in a panic now. Cause I have no idea how we're gonna feed our kid. And third, he doesn't have anything lined up. And fourth, he wants to take the next four weeks off. So while he's sitting there kind of in bed, I guess, in the dark, smiling about it, she's got a headache and is reeling. And he starts to make the move on.

[Caller or guest]

He tried to ask her to have sex with him.

[Raj]

Yeah, well, he doesn't like, verbally ask, but he, like, starts, you know, starting the shanky, danky, chunky donkey. Donkey, donkey.

[Caller or guest]

Maybe he's got that Lyme disease thing.

[Raj]

Where he forgot what he did, where.

[Caller or guest]

He just starts to lose his mind.

[Raj]

So obviously she gets out of bed and turns on the lights and says to him, what has transpired over the last four hours to make you think that I'm ready for sex right now? And he again, was sitting there with this dumb look on his face, like, my God, what have I done? Like, oh, let's just do it. Oh, no, come on.

[Caller or guest]

Come on.

[Raj]

I'm frisky. I'm feeling good about things. So she obviously turns him down. And I looked at Stacy when she was telling me the story, and I said there could be no worse case of a request for sex than that because she was so upset by the whole thing.

[Caller or guest]

Right?

[Raj]

So this is what I want to know from you guys. What's, like, the worst timing that your man. Cause I think. I'm guessing men are more guilty of this than women are just being insensitive.

[Caller or guest]

To what's really going on, right? Yeah.

[Raj]

And asked you for sex when there was no way in the world you guys were in the right mindset for it. Although Ray's calling up. Hey, Ray.

[Noah]

Hello.

[Raj]

Hello.

[Caller or guest]

What's going on?

[Raj]

You tell us, man.

[Caller or guest]

Well, I was dating this girl for a little while, and she had seizures from time to time. And her request was the next time she had a seizure was we had.

Sex while she was having a seizure.

[Raj]

Yeah.

[Caller or guest]

Are you kidding?

No, no. It never actually happened because I was afraid, you know, something would actually go wrong. And she gets really hurt.

But she ended up swallowing your tongue.

[Raj]

Yeah. So she said, the next time I have a seizure, quickly try to have sex with me.

[Caller or guest]

Yeah.

[Raj]

Oh, good God.

[Caller or guest]

Oh, my God. Yeah. That goes under inappropriate categories.

Unless you crash. Then you start showing them flashing lights and fancy video games and stuff.

Bring a strobe light home.

Yeah.

[Raj]

I don't even think the most insensitive guy could get her all fired up for that.

[Caller or guest]

Yeah, I'm not sure that's a turn on.

Yeah, I'm into crazy things, but that was a little bit out of my league.

[Raj]

Wow. Any kind of reasoning behind the whole thing for her?

[Caller or guest]

No.

She just killed a freak.

[Raj]

Damn. I'd say. All right, I don't know how you gonna be that score. I think we may have our winner.

[Caller or guest]

Thanks for participating in this radio bit, everyone. Go ahead and hang up now.

[Raj]

Bye now.

[Caller or guest]

Yeah, I'm still digesting that one morning, all the hits.

[Raj]

Q100. Hell. Hello? Go ahead.

[Caller or guest]

Hello?

[Raj]

Hello?

[Caller or guest]

Hey, Bert.

[Raj]

Hello.

[Caller or guest]

Okay, you're talking about not the right timing. Right, Right. Okay. My father passed away. We had to fly out of town. My husband couldn't leave when I left with my brother and sister. And my brother said, hey, let's get a hotel room together while we're up where my parents are from. I said, fine. I said, you know, because the first two nights, my husband wasn't going to be there. Well, the day of the funeral, my husband flies in and decides that we need to go to the hotel room while everybody's getting ready.

Mm. So he gave him a little action.

Yeah. I just looked at him. I said, where have you been? And he goes, well, I missed you.

[Raj]

Good God.

[Caller or guest]

It's your father's funeral, and he wants to have sex.

Yeah. Well, it's another. It's a day away, but he just went into town. And I'm thinking, my brother is in. It's like a suite. My brother's, like, outside the other dorm thinking, are you crazy?

[Raj]

Well, there are many, many, many other.

[Caller or guest]

Cares where your brother is. And I love how men turn around. But, honey, I missed you.

[Raj]

Right?

[Noah]

Yeah, I know.

[Caller or guest]

Two days is all. We were poor. I said, you just flew in.

He's like.

He just kind of looked at me dumb. I went, oh, you're crazy, insensitive.

All he's thinking about is his needs. I got needs, woman.

[Raj]

Hey, Veronica.

[Caller or guest]

Hey, there.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

Hi.

[Raj]

How are you?

[Caller or guest]

I'm fine.

[Raj]

Worst, like, timing on a sexual request.

[Caller or guest]

I'd had a facelift, breast implants, and an eye lift.

And you're all, like, mummified, wrapped up and stuff.

You got that?

[Raj]

Ew.

[Caller or guest]

No. Did you do it?

No.

[Raj]

Okay, so you come home all bandaged up and all broken and stuff, and dude is like, this is so hot. Yeah.

[Caller or guest]

Cause there wasn't anything hot about it.

Let me tell you.

Oh, my God.

[Raj]

See, why y' all going and getting that Victoria's Secret stuff and getting yourself all hot, nice and sexy. All you gotta do is mummify yourself for some guys. Hey, good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller or guest]

Good morning.

[Raj]

Hi, boy.

[Caller or guest]

I have a story for you guys. Okay, well, I've been married for a few years and found out that my husband was cheating. Totally by surprise, found out. Found a text message on his phone. Well, so he up and leaves a few weeks later. Now, mind you, we have a year and a half old baby girl, and he's just gone. Continuing the fair find all these things. Suddenly comes by the house a few weeks ago and decides he's gonna try to get some.

[Raj]

Dude.

[Caller or guest]

And he really thought that would work.

He really thought it would work. Started taking my clothes off, even, and I'm sitting there going, no, excuse me.

Hello.

[Raj]

At that point, you're like, what are you even thinking?

[Caller or guest]

Exactly.

That's great. You know, you gotta at some point admire a guy like that for the effort when, you know, like, it's. At some point you got to think, at least he had the sack to go try that.

[Raj]

No, no, no.

[Caller or guest]

You don't really like.

You know, so much.

Like when you. Like when you watch those Japanese game shows when they are running down that, you know, balance beam with the big swinging weights going back and forth like, you look. And he goes, that's the stupidest thing anyone's ever done.

[Raj]

But bless you for trying.

[Caller or guest]

You know what? God bless you for getting up there and trying it.

[Raj]

Hey, Mandy, you'll be the last call. What's up?

[Caller or guest]

Okay, well, my ex, I woke him up and told him I was in labor. And before I could go to the hospital, he insisted I had sex with him. While you're in labor actions? I'm in labor. He's like, come on, baby. It's going to be another six weeks. Please, please. No.

That'S great.

[Raj]

He's, like, cramming for a test. God bless him. Oh, beautiful. Thank you, Mandy.

[Caller or guest]

Thank you.

[Raj]

That is awesome.

[Caller or guest]

Oh, my God.

[Raj]

We have no boundaries, man. We have no boundaries. We're always ready, man. We can always turn it around. We're always ready. The bird Show.

[Commercial/Announcer]

In a world where January is supposed to be boring, one staple of the holidays refuses to end the great deals at Verizon. The joy just keeps. Keeps on coming. Right now, you can save on four new phones and four lines. Critics agree it's the deal that keeps on giving. Come into Verizon and save on four new phones and four lines on unlimited. Welcome additional terms apply seeverizon.com for details.

[Raj]

Hey, it's Raj and Noah.

[Noah]

And we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong? The show that explores the all too human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

Because we're still doing a lot of stuff wrong.

[Noah]

But who isn't? That's why each week, we're talking about the topics that we could all use a little helping hit with. Whether it's making new friends as an adult, managing our emotions, or even dreaming.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

We'Ll be talking to experts in their fields who are definitely doing things right, so the rest of us can be a bit wiser and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us.

[Noah]

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong? Dropping every Thursday starting January 1st, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Co-host (possibly a third host or producer)]

And for the first time ever, we're going to have full video episodes on YouTube, because as long as there are things to get wrong, we're going to be right here to help you. To them Better love y'.

[Caller or guest]

All.

[Guest or caller]

With endless scroll algorithms and AI flooding feeds, podcasting stands out. They're sought, not served. Audiences actively choose to hear trusted voices on topics they care about. In fact, 72% of listeners say podcasts shape cultural conversations. For marketers, that means podcasts shift brand perception like no other channel. Acast's podcast Pulse 2025 report has the proof. Get all the Insights at podcast pulse2025.com.