The Bert Show – “Vault: Most Inappropriate Times to Request Sex”
Date: January 14, 2026 | Host: Bert & Full Cast | Podcast: The Bert Show / Pionaire Podcasting
Episode Overview
In this lively episode, The Bert Show’s cast and listeners dive into cringe-inducing, hilarious, and sometimes shocking stories about the worst, most inappropriate times someone has requested sex. Bert kicks off with a scenario that sets the bar—his friend’s husband chose the absolute worst moment to make a move. Callers then chime in with real-life tales that leave the room equal parts aghast and amused, highlighting both the comic and absurd side of human intimacy (and insensitivity).
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Setting the Stage: Choosing the Topic
[01:18–03:20]
- The hosts crowdsource their next topic with listener teases, but “inappropriate requests for sex” quickly wins over stories about stolen items and online dating revelations.
- Repeated agreement among listeners and hosts: sex is always the most intriguing topic.
Notable Quotes:
- “It’s sex. It’s all about sex. Oh, yeah. Sex, sex, sex.”
— Raj (03:05) - “If you want to get their attention, you gotta come to the table with sex.”
— Raj (03:13)
2. Bert’s Actual Story: When the Timing Couldn’t Be Worse
[03:20–07:16]
- Bert recounts a friend’s experience: a husband in Seattle abruptly quits his job with no backup plan, then comes home excited to “hang out.” His wife, reeling from the shock, is hit with an unexpected sexual advance later that night.
- The hosts discuss gender dynamics, joking about the “on/off switch” for men and the “dimmer” for women regarding intimacy.
Notable Quotes:
- “While he’s sitting there in bed, smiling, she’s got a headache and is reeling. And he starts to make the move on…”
— Raj (06:24) - “What has transpired over the last four hours to make you think that I’m ready for sex right now?”
— Bert, paraphrasing his friend’s wife (06:42) - “There could be no worse case of a request for sex than that... she was so upset by the whole thing.”
— Raj (07:02) - “We have no boundaries, man. We’re always ready. We can always turn it around.”
— Raj (12:37)
3. Listeners Share Their Most Inappropriate Sex Requests
a. The Seizure Request
[07:35–08:46]
- Caller Ray recounts his girlfriend’s bizarre wish to have sex during her next seizure:
“Her request was the next time she had a seizure was we had sex while she was having a seizure.”
— Ray (07:50) - The studio is stunned, admitting this probably “wins” for most inappropriate timing.
b. Sex at a Funeral
[09:00–09:52]
- A listener describes her husband’s attempt to initiate sex at her father’s funeral—while her brother is in the next room.
“It’s your father’s funeral, and he wants to have sex.”
— Caller (09:38) - The hosts mockingly highlight men’s “honey, I missed you!” approach, regardless of circumstances.
c. Post-Plastic Surgery
[10:14–10:41]
- Veronica calls in to say her partner asked for sex when she returned from major surgery—still “mummified, wrapped up and stuff.”
“You come home all bandaged up, and dude is like, this is so hot.”
— Raj (10:30) - The team jokes that for some men, even surgical bandages are “Victoria’s Secret.”
d. After Cheating and Leaving
[10:54–11:51]
- Another caller shares her ex-husband’s nerve: after cheating, leaving home, and returning weeks later, he tries to initiate sex:
“He really thought that would work. Started taking my clothes off, even, and I’m sitting there going, no, excuse me.”
— Caller (11:29)
e. In Labor
[12:12–12:33]
- Mandy tells of her ex who insisted on sex while she was in labor, afraid of the looming “six-week wait”:
“I woke him up and told him I was in labor. And before I could go to the hospital, he insisted I had sex with him.”
— Mandy (12:14) - The hosts joke:
“He’s, like, cramming for a test. God bless him.”
— Raj (12:28)
Most Memorable Quotes & Moments
On Gender and Timing
- “We can turn it on and we can turn it off quick. ...For women, that switch doesn’t flip nearly as quickly—it’s more of a dimmer.”
— Raj (03:46–03:54)
When Listeners Stun the Room
- “I looked at him. I said, where have you been? ...My brother’s outside the other door. I’m thinking, are you crazy?”
— Caller (09:37–09:41) - “I’m into crazy things, but that was a little bit out of my league.”
— Ray, regarding the seizure request (08:29) - “All you gotta do is mummify yourself for some guys.”
— Raj (10:41) - “God bless you for getting up there and trying it.”
— Raj, about the cheater’s audacity (12:07)
Call Timeline & Segment Guide
| Segment | Description | Timestamps | |---------|-------------|-------------| | Opening & Topic Vote | Listeners pick most inappropriate requests for sex | 01:18–03:20 | | Bert’s Story | Job-quitting husband tries to initiate sex | 03:20–07:16 | | Caller: Seizure Request | Ray’s girlfriend’s odd idea | 07:35–08:46 | | Caller: Funeral Faux Pas | Husband’s timing at dad’s funeral | 09:00–09:52 | | Caller: Surgical Bandages | Veronica’s post-op encounter | 10:14–10:41 | | Caller: Cheating Ex Returns | The absent, unfaithful husband tries his luck | 10:54–11:51 | | Caller: While in Labor | Mandy’s ex wants “one last time” | 12:12–12:33 |
Overall Tone
Real, raw, and unfiltered—The Bert Show leans into the comedy and shock factor of these stories, creating a safe space to share personal, sometimes outrageous moments. The banter never gets mean, and the relatability for both exasperated women and clueless men is ever-present.
Takeaways
- Men are hilariously (and sometimes disastrously) tone-deaf about sexual timing.
- Listeners share jaw-dropping stories of bad timing, from grief to surgery to childbirth.
- Laughter and camaraderie are the best ways to process even the most awkward stories.
For anyone who’s ever groaned at a partner’s awful sense of timing, this episode will have you nodding, laughing, and maybe shaking your head in disbelief.