The Bert Show – "Vault: Motivation By Humiliation – We're Holding These Listeners Accountable"

Date: January 26, 2026
Host: Bert Show Cast (Mars, Jeff, Stacey, Tracy, et al.)
Theme: Using public accountability – and the threat of an embarrassing tattoo – to push listeners toward achieving their New Year's resolutions.

Episode Overview

The Bert Show crew revives one of their most spirited—and extreme—accountability challenges: "Motivation by Humiliation." As New Year's resolutions peak and waver, they offer listeners a bold ultimatum: achieve your resolution this year, or receive a humiliating, permanent tattoo declaring your failure. The hosts take listener calls, brainstorm tattoo ideas, and debate what it means to truly hold someone (and oneself) accountable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Concept Introduction: Extreme Accountability

[00:00–02:31]

• The hosts discuss the annual rush to gyms after New Year's and the predictable drop-off:
  • "Don't sweat it. By February 1st, we'll be back to the regular population, right?" (Mars, 00:19)
• Mars pitches the radical challenge: if a listener fails their New Year's resolution, they get a tattoo proclaiming their failure:
  • "We want to motivate you by humiliating you...a tattooist is willing to tattoo you with something that basically says, 'I couldn't fulfill my resolution.'" (Mars, 01:37)
  • The challenge isn’t limited to weight loss—quitting smoking, changing jobs, and others are suggested.

2. Tattoo As Motivation—And Deterrent

[02:31–05:31]

• The cast jokes about possible tattoos for different resolutions (e.g., "I couldn’t lose the weight", a cartoon cigarette):
  • "Or maybe it's just a tattoo of a cigarette smoking a cigarette." (Mars, 02:44)
• The humiliation must be public: tattoo must be somewhere visible, not hidden.
  • "It has to be somewhere public enough to where people are gonna ask you about it..." (Mars, 07:12)

3. Incremental Approach: Milestones and Partial Tattoos

[03:38–05:31]

• Jeff introduces idea of incremental progress, with the tattoo completed in pieces if milestones aren’t met:
  • "If by February 1st you don't accomplish at least part of the goal, then you would get part of the tattoo...We might even puzzle piece the tattoo together over time." (Jeff, 03:43)
• Example: Finding a new job—if you fail to meet mini-goals, you receive words like "job..." eventually morphing into something embarrassing if you continue to fail.

4. Listener Calls: Taking the Challenge

a) Lisa: Quitting Smoking
[05:36–09:41]

• Lisa calls in, committing to quit smoking after 20 years:
  • "I have to quit smoking once and for all...I have two little children, and it's just time to get rid of it." (Lisa, 05:57)
• She acknowledges the reality of the challenge:
  • "A lot of excuses come around." (Mars, 06:52)
  • Lisa chooses ankle as a potential tattoo spot, commits to the challenge despite past failures, and reflects on the common relapse battleground ("after about three weeks or a month I start to fall apart." – Lisa, 08:18).

b) Beth: Weight Loss After Birth Control
[10:00–12:57]

• Beth gained 50 pounds in four weeks due to Depo-Provera; wants to lose 40–50 by her one-year anniversary:
  • "I started the Depo Provera birth control shot, and I gained almost 50 pounds in about four weeks." (Beth, 10:12)
• She’s clear-eyed about what's at stake and how the tattoo might motivate her:
  • "My husband's really big about not having stuff visual...but I think...he's going to push really hard for me not to [fail]." (Beth, 12:04)
• The hosts stress the need for real commitment and legal paperwork.

c) Sarah: Marriage Procrastination
[13:33–15:32]

• Sarah volunteers herself and her fiancé—resolution is to finally get married after years of postponement:
  • "We've been engaged almost two years now. We have a child together, and, you know, it's been back and forth and every excuse under the sun as to why right now isn't a good time." (Sarah, 14:16)
• Hosts suggest he would get "I can't commit" and she would get "I just couldn't get him to marry me" tattoos if they fail.
• Sarah laughs about the prospect, “Sucker him into it.” (Sarah, 15:13)

5. Reflection on Human Nature and Excuses

[06:51–08:53; 12:57–13:36]

• The cast digs into why people relapse, struggle, or make excuses, particularly when the initial motivation fades.
• Universal patterns in goal-setting and falling off allow for lighthearted ribbing but also empathetic understanding.
  • "It is always going to be hard...when you're a smoker and you've stopped for three or four weeks...the weird, twisted mentality comes back up." (Jeff, 08:53)

6. Memorable Quotes & Moments

Motivation-by-tattoo

• "Mars: 'We are allowed to drive a van by your office, pull you into it, knock you out, and put a tattoo on your arm.' (02:00)"
• "Mars: 'You are permanently stating publicly that I will get the ink...that says I could not do this.' (02:10)"

The Weight of Humiliation

• "Jeff: 'Think about somebody walking up to you and being able to read that on your arm.' (11:45)"
• "Mars: 'Sometimes it takes that kind of motivation. I mean, this is only forever, right?' (09:54)"

Facing Up to Excuses

• "Stacey: 'A lot of excuses come around, Mars, right?' Mars: 'They sure do.' (06:51)"
• "Mars: 'This is the ultimate motivation by humiliation because there's no turning back on this thing.' (05:41)"

Gendered Perspective

• "Jeff: 'I don't know if you can quite understand the depths of that as being a man, but as a woman, to have that put on your body anywhere.' (11:55)"

Timestamps for Notable Segments

• [00:19] – Discussion of annual New Year's gym spike and drop-off
• [01:37] – Challenge is presented: tattoo for failed resolutions
• [02:44] – Humorous tattoo ideas discussed
• [03:43] – Incremental milestone tattoo plan introduced
• [05:36] – Listener Lisa commits to quit smoking
• [10:00] – Listener Beth details her weight loss resolution
• [13:33] – Sarah volunteers to finally get married, putting herself and fiancé on the line

Tone, Humor, and Takeaways

• The episode’s tone is energetic, teasing, supportive, and irreverent—typical of the Bert Show style. Jokes fly, but the underlying message is one of tough love and camaraderie.
• Despite the outlandish premise, there’s a core of encouragement and realism: real change is hard, most people need a real push, and shame—the ultimate extrinsic motivator—just might do it.
• The segment closes by reinforcing that public declarations have power, and when all else fails, nothing says "I mean it" like risking a tattoo you’ll have to explain forever.