Vault: Motivation By Humiliation - We're Holding These Listeners Accountable

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Motivation By Humiliation – We're Holding These Listeners Accountable"

Date: January 26, 2026
Host: Bert Show Cast (Mars, Jeff, Stacey, Tracy, et al.)
Theme: Using public accountability – and the threat of an embarrassing tattoo – to push listeners toward achieving their New Year's resolutions.

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Episode Overview

The Bert Show crew revives one of their most spirited—and extreme—accountability challenges: "Motivation by Humiliation." As New Year's resolutions peak and waver, they offer listeners a bold ultimatum: achieve your resolution this year, or receive a humiliating, permanent tattoo declaring your failure. The hosts take listener calls, brainstorm tattoo ideas, and debate what it means to truly hold someone (and oneself) accountable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Concept Introduction: Extreme Accountability

[00:00–02:31]

• The hosts discuss the annual rush to gyms after New Year's and the predictable drop-off:
  • "Don't sweat it. By February 1st, we'll be back to the regular population, right?" (Mars, 00:19)
• Mars pitches the radical challenge: if a listener fails their New Year's resolution, they get a tattoo proclaiming their failure:
  • "We want to motivate you by humiliating you...a tattooist is willing to tattoo you with something that basically says, 'I couldn't fulfill my resolution.'" (Mars, 01:37)
  • The challenge isn’t limited to weight loss—quitting smoking, changing jobs, and others are suggested.

2. Tattoo As Motivation—And Deterrent

[02:31–05:31]

• The cast jokes about possible tattoos for different resolutions (e.g., "I couldn’t lose the weight", a cartoon cigarette):
  • "Or maybe it's just a tattoo of a cigarette smoking a cigarette." (Mars, 02:44)
• The humiliation must be public: tattoo must be somewhere visible, not hidden.
  • "It has to be somewhere public enough to where people are gonna ask you about it..." (Mars, 07:12)

3. Incremental Approach: Milestones and Partial Tattoos

[03:38–05:31]

• Jeff introduces idea of incremental progress, with the tattoo completed in pieces if milestones aren’t met:
  • "If by February 1st you don't accomplish at least part of the goal, then you would get part of the tattoo...We might even puzzle piece the tattoo together over time." (Jeff, 03:43)
• Example: Finding a new job—if you fail to meet mini-goals, you receive words like "job..." eventually morphing into something embarrassing if you continue to fail.

4. Listener Calls: Taking the Challenge

a) Lisa: Quitting Smoking
[05:36–09:41]

• Lisa calls in, committing to quit smoking after 20 years:
  • "I have to quit smoking once and for all...I have two little children, and it's just time to get rid of it." (Lisa, 05:57)
• She acknowledges the reality of the challenge:
  • "A lot of excuses come around." (Mars, 06:52)
  • Lisa chooses ankle as a potential tattoo spot, commits to the challenge despite past failures, and reflects on the common relapse battleground ("after about three weeks or a month I start to fall apart." – Lisa, 08:18).

b) Beth: Weight Loss After Birth Control
[10:00–12:57]

• Beth gained 50 pounds in four weeks due to Depo-Provera; wants to lose 40–50 by her one-year anniversary:
  • "I started the Depo Provera birth control shot, and I gained almost 50 pounds in about four weeks." (Beth, 10:12)
• She’s clear-eyed about what's at stake and how the tattoo might motivate her:
  • "My husband's really big about not having stuff visual...but I think...he's going to push really hard for me not to [fail]." (Beth, 12:04)
• The hosts stress the need for real commitment and legal paperwork.

c) Sarah: Marriage Procrastination
[13:33–15:32]

• Sarah volunteers herself and her fiancé—resolution is to finally get married after years of postponement:
  • "We've been engaged almost two years now. We have a child together, and, you know, it's been back and forth and every excuse under the sun as to why right now isn't a good time." (Sarah, 14:16)
• Hosts suggest he would get "I can't commit" and she would get "I just couldn't get him to marry me" tattoos if they fail.
• Sarah laughs about the prospect, “Sucker him into it.” (Sarah, 15:13)

5. Reflection on Human Nature and Excuses

[06:51–08:53; 12:57–13:36]

• The cast digs into why people relapse, struggle, or make excuses, particularly when the initial motivation fades.
• Universal patterns in goal-setting and falling off allow for lighthearted ribbing but also empathetic understanding.
  • "It is always going to be hard...when you're a smoker and you've stopped for three or four weeks...the weird, twisted mentality comes back up." (Jeff, 08:53)

6. Memorable Quotes & Moments

Motivation-by-tattoo

• "Mars: 'We are allowed to drive a van by your office, pull you into it, knock you out, and put a tattoo on your arm.' (02:00)"
• "Mars: 'You are permanently stating publicly that I will get the ink...that says I could not do this.' (02:10)"

The Weight of Humiliation

• "Jeff: 'Think about somebody walking up to you and being able to read that on your arm.' (11:45)"
• "Mars: 'Sometimes it takes that kind of motivation. I mean, this is only forever, right?' (09:54)"

Facing Up to Excuses

• "Stacey: 'A lot of excuses come around, Mars, right?' Mars: 'They sure do.' (06:51)"
• "Mars: 'This is the ultimate motivation by humiliation because there's no turning back on this thing.' (05:41)"

Gendered Perspective

• "Jeff: 'I don't know if you can quite understand the depths of that as being a man, but as a woman, to have that put on your body anywhere.' (11:55)"

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• [00:19] – Discussion of annual New Year's gym spike and drop-off
• [01:37] – Challenge is presented: tattoo for failed resolutions
• [02:44] – Humorous tattoo ideas discussed
• [03:43] – Incremental milestone tattoo plan introduced
• [05:36] – Listener Lisa commits to quit smoking
• [10:00] – Listener Beth details her weight loss resolution
• [13:33] – Sarah volunteers to finally get married, putting herself and fiancé on the line

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Tone, Humor, and Takeaways

• The episode’s tone is energetic, teasing, supportive, and irreverent—typical of the Bert Show style. Jokes fly, but the underlying message is one of tough love and camaraderie.
• Despite the outlandish premise, there’s a core of encouragement and realism: real change is hard, most people need a real push, and shame—the ultimate extrinsic motivator—just might do it.
• The segment closes by reinforcing that public declarations have power, and when all else fails, nothing says "I mean it" like risking a tattoo you’ll have to explain forever.

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Transcript

[Jeff]

Get it?

[Mars]

The bird show. Here's the offer we want to make to you guys, and we're not sure that any of you are really bold enough or brave enough to take it, but it is the 2008 version of motivation by humiliation. We're now in a time of New Year's resolutions. I saw it at the gym on Saturday.

[Stacey]

Mm.

[Jeff]

Oh, yeah.

[Mars]

I mean, Dolvet says this fast twitch class, and there's normally, like, seven or eight people in there busting their ass, right? But here it is Saturday morning, and the class is full. There's 25 people in there, right? And I even said to him, how can you tell It's New Year's. It's New Year's. And he laughed at me. And he looked around the room. There's 30 people. And everybody's, like, wants to lose weight right now, right? Gyms are packed, right? Don't sweat it. By February 1st, we'll be back to the regular population, right? Here's the offer we want to make to you guys. If you have been struggling with a New Year's resolution, I mean, for years.

[Tracy]

It doesn't have to be weight loss, right?

[Mars]

It doesn't have to be weight. But I think that's the most common example we could probably use. Let's say eight years ago, you made the resolution that you were gonna lose 50 pounds, and you started out pretty strong there in January, and then February came around, and you fell right back in your same eating patterns, and you didn't lose the weight that year. And I'm only using weight as this example, but it can, like Jeff said, apply to anything. So then the next year, you're like, you know what? I didn't lose the 50 last year. This is gonna be it. So maybe you did something to put a little bit more pressure on yourself.

[Tracy]

Maybe.

[Mars]

Maybe you told your husband, maybe told your husband what your resolution was, so you put a little more pressure on yourself to make it happen. Then by February 1st again in 2001, you let it go. Then you did the same thing the year after that and a year after that and a year after that, and it has never gotten done. Here's what we want to do. We want to motivate you by humiliating you if you do not conquer your New Year's resolution this year. And we've hired a professional tattooist that is willing to tattoo you if you don't do your resolution with something that basically says, I couldn't fulfill my resolution.

[Jeff]

So if it's losing weight, you will get a tattoo. That says I couldn't lose the weight.

[Mars]

I couldn't lose the weight. What are some of the other ones? This is. I mean, you talk about shocking your system into making a decision to absolutely do what it is that you have been putting off for years and years and years. You are permanently stating publicly that I will get the ink on my arm or wherever that says I could not do this.

[Tracy]

I will get a new job.

[Mars]

There you go.

[Tracy]

I'll get a new job by the end of the year. That's my resolution. I'm in a dead end job now. If I don't get it. Tattoo me.

[Stacey]

I want to quit smoking. You don't quit smoking. We put on your arm that you couldn't quit smoking.

[Mars]

Or maybe it's just like, I mean, we could work on the design together. Maybe it's just a tattoo of a cigarette smoking cigarette. And every time somebody sees that, they're going to ask you, what's that all about? And you're going to have to say, well, I couldn't do it. I couldn't quit smoking. I made a deal with this Q100, this Birchill radio station. I couldn't do it at the end of the year. So this is my constant reminder about how weak I was in 2008. So who's bold enough to take us up on it? I mean, and we're serious. You can't go in halfway on this. If you commit to us, then and you don't follow through, I mean, we're gonna make you sign paperwork. You don't follow through. We are allowed to drive a van by your office, pull you into it, knock you out, and put a tattoo on your arm.

[Stacey]

I mean, Stacey will be driving the van, but we'll be doing it right.

[Tracy]

So you'll be safe at least getting there.

[Mars]

So am I making it perfectly clear that we're totally serious about this?

[Jeff]

And are we gonna talk about maybe incrementally month by month? Sure.

[Mars]

Here we are. Let's talk.

[Jeff]

Okay. Cause one of the ideas that we brought up when we were talking about this off the air in our post show meeting was about how if by February 1st, you don't accomplish at least part of the goal, then you would get part of the tattoo then by March, April, May. So we might even puzzle piece the tattoo together over time. If you're not accomplishing the goals along.

[Mars]

The way, we would have to get together with a tattoo artist.

[Jeff]

Milestone.

[Mars]

That is so good. And I think Tracy has one that is so good that if you did this milestone tattoo if you did halfway through it, end up doing your resolution, we could turn it into something cool, right?

[Stacey]

So, for instance, let's give it, let's give an example of that. Because if somebody, in order to get a part of the tattoo, you kind of broke your resolution, right? So let's say, let's say if it's the smoking thing, if you, if you had a puff and you didn't mean to, but you still want to quit smoking, then you get part of the tattoo. Or is it like. I'm trying to figure out example for how the designer.

[Mars]

I'm not totally on board on that idea.

[Stacey]

Well, I think, I guess it depends on the resolution, on what milestones you'd have to.

[Jeff]

Yeah, like let's set them up with you.

[Tracy]

Yeah, like let's, let's say, you know, your idea is to find a new job. Like you've got a, you know, like a dead end job or. Well, maybe what, what you do is like the first. If in three months or six months or whatever milestone we set, you haven't even given any thought, typed your resume, done anything like that, then maybe it's just the word job, you know, because isn't there a book in the Bible that isn't a joke, turn it into job. So you make it a Bible. So it could be. Now it's going to go either way. It's going to go to some inspirational Bible verse, or then it's going to be the words. Ask me about my job.

[Mars]

Now we got a whole bunch of people on hold that are willing to do it.

[Tracy]

We'll see when they come in here.

[Mars]

Hey, Lisa, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Lisa]

Good morning. How are you?

[Mars]

How are you?

[Lisa]

I'm good, thanks.

[Mars]

This, to us, is the ultimate motivation by humiliation because there's no turning back on this thing.

[Lisa]

I get that and I'm up for it.

[Mars]

All right, give us a little history. What is your New Year's resolution and what do you absolutely have to get done this year?

[Lisa]

I have to quit smoking once and for all. I have smoked for 20 years and I have two little children, and it's just time to get rid of it. And I've only not quit, probably because it's tough and I'm lazy, but I got to do it.

[Stacey]

I think that the reservation we have is because a lot of people this time of year want that resolution, have the resolution and want to use this as the motivation, like motivation by humiliation. But the humiliation part does exist, so. So come February or March, if something happens and you start, you know, you buy another pack of cigarettes and start all over again. You will have to get the tattoo.

[Lisa]

I got that. And you know what's interesting about this challenge is that I, in my younger years, got two tattoos, and I, you know, obviously regret that. So I understand the commitment that goes along with doing that, and I know what it would mean to have that for the rest of my life, because I already do.

[Stacey]

A lot of excuses come around, Mars, right?

[Mars]

They sure do.

[Stacey]

A lot of excuses come around.

[Mars]

Oh, I got so stressed out.

[Stacey]

I lost my job.

[Mars]

And what did I do? I just started drinking.

[Lisa]

Yep.

[Jeff]

Well, where would you put this tattoo that says I couldn't quit smoking?

[Lisa]

Well, I don't know. Would I be able to put it anywhere?

[Stacey]

Or it might be visible.

[Mars]

Has to be on your forehead.

[Tracy]

It's gotta be on your face.

[Mars]

No, I think an arm or it has to be somewhere that's gonna be exposed. Like, if you're on the beach to where you, you know, people will see it. Like, if you put it, like, on your booty, no one's ever gonna see it there. So it has to be somewhere public enough to where people are gonna ask you about it to where you're forced into getting the tattoo and explain your failure.

[Stacey]

Right.

[Lisa]

Okay, well, what if I put it on my ankle?

[Tracy]

Well, we can put you on the list.

[Stacey]

Okay.

[Jeff]

I think that's still. I mean, people are gonna see her ankles.

[Tracy]

You ever wear skirts?

[Lisa]

Yeah, I do on occasion.

[Tracy]

How often do you go to the beach?

[Lisa]

Not as often as I'd like, but I wear shorts and capri pants a lot and skirts.

[Tracy]

Will you still wear shorts after you gain all the weight you gain you get from.

[Lisa]

Well, that'll be my New Year's resolution next year, is to lose the weight from quitting smoking.

[Mars]

I mean, this is a big one right here. I mean, and Jen's gone through it. She knows what it's like to quit smoking. The struggle going back and forth and back and forth.

[Jeff]

Yeah, it's definitely a struggle. And so many people who quit fall off the wagon for a while and then get back on again. And.

[Lisa]

And I've been there over the years. I've quit. It sounds silly, but I've quit countless times. But it is after. For me, it's most difficult after about three weeks or a month when I start to fall apart. And I don't know why. It seems in the beginning, it is easy, but I've tried to resign myself to the fact that it is always going to be hard to. And I Can't just pretend that it's going to go away. Which is what I've done in the past, is just thought, oh, I'll quit, and I won't ever crave it again. And I've learned that that's not going.

[Beth]

To be the case.

[Lisa]

And I was listening to you talk about it last week, and that was part of my realization, too.

[Jeff]

It is always going to be hard. And it's one of those things where when you're a smoker and you've stopped for three or four weeks, like what she was saying, all of a sudden, in your head, the weird, twisted mentality comes back up. It's like, well, I've been so good, I could just have one. It doesn't make any sense.

[Mars]

That's the gateway right there.

[Tracy]

That's what Lindsay Lohan did on New Year's Eve with alcohol.

[Jeff]

It's like, it doesn't make any sense. But that is the mentality that comes to you. Well, I've been so good. I haven't had any for four weeks. I just have one, and then that turns into, you know, one pack.

[Mars]

Hey, Lisa.

[Tracy]

Like, dieting, where people lose all this weight, and then like, okay, I've lost the weight. Now I can go back to eating.

[Mars]

Like I was just one donut. That's one carb. Lisa, let me put you on hold. You will. I mean, we can do this with more than one person, but if you're committed to it, then we totally committed. Okay. Okay, great. Let me put you on hold. Okay.

[Lisa]

Okay, thanks.

[Mars]

We'll talk more to you over the next couple of days, and we'll work out some of the details on it.

[Lisa]

All right, good.

[Mars]

Okay, hold on. That's a commitment right there. So she loses, she stops smoking.

[Jeff]

Right?

[Mars]

Or she gets the tattoo, says, I just couldn't do it, or a cigarette or something.

[Jeff]

And she smoked for 20 years, too.

[Stacey]

Mm.

[Mars]

Sometimes it takes that kind of motivation. I mean, this is only forever, right? Good morning, Beth. You're on Q100.

[Beth]

Good morning.

[Mars]

Good morning. How are you?

[Beth]

I'm doing wonderful. How y' all doing?

[Mars]

Good. All right. This is the ultimate motivation by humiliation here, because the tattoo is forever.

[Beth]

I'm ready for it.

[Mars]

Okay. What have you been struggling with?

[Beth]

About three years ago, I started the Depo Provera birth control shot, and I gained almost 50 pounds in about four weeks.

[Stacey]

Wow. Okay.

[Mars]

Were you pregnant?

[Beth]

I know. Trying to keep from getting there, but I got married in September of last year, so there's something that I really wanted to do for my husband. Because he. He's tired. I'm sure he's probably tired of me. He always complained about how I can't ever seem to lose the weight. Plus, Chick fil a is my fault. I pass by 3 chick fil a on the way to work every morning.

[Tracy]

That place will call to you too.

[Beth]

I'm gonna have to, like, start changing my. My route to work.

[Tracy]

Chicken biscuit.

[Mars]

It does. There's like this gravitational pull.

[Tracy]

It calls to me, especially on Sunday, and I hate them for that.

[Mars]

No. Have you ever? Actually, we've driven there before on Sundays and you get that. And it's all closed.

[Tracy]

I've like, ran it like, I will not.

[Mars]

Curses, Christians.

[Beth]

And Chick fil a was my first job too.

[Mars]

So how much weight are you looking to lose?

[Beth]

Between 40 and 50 pounds. I do it by my one year anniversary in September.

[Stacey]

So now are you still on that medicine?

[Lisa]

Nope.

[Beth]

I'm not on anything now. I'm scared to try anything else.

[Mars]

Okay, so £40 by September.

[Lisa]

Yeah.

[Mars]

And if you don't get it done, you are willing to put a tattoo on that says, I couldn't lose the weight.

[Beth]

Oh, yeah. I'm ready.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Beth]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[Tracy]

But I mean, I couldn't lose the weight. Like, we have to come up with a better tattoo than that.

[Mars]

I couldn't lose the weight. Damn it.

[Jeff]

That's pretty bad. Think about somebody walking up to you and being able to read that on your arm.

[Stacey]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

I mean, that's horrifying.

[Mars]

That is a pretty good motivation by humiliation right there.

[Jeff]

And I mean, I don't know if you can quite understand the depths of that as being a man, but as a woman, to have that put on your body anywhere.

[Beth]

My husband's really big about not having stuff visual. I mean, tattoos. I have a tattoo in my lower back. He's like, nothing visual. I don't want to see anything. But I think with. With that being kind of offered there, I think he's going to push really hard for me not to.

[Mars]

Now be careful about you.

[Stacey]

Yeah. And. But the thing is, if it doesn't work out, you have to get the tattoo because you can't come back and say, well, my husband said I couldn't get the tattoo because that's what you're just saying is he doesn't want a visible tattoo.

[Beth]

Oh, yeah.

[Stacey]

Because you have to give me the.

[Beth]

Motivation to work even that much harder so I don't have to get it.

[Mars]

All right, so this is your commitment right now?

[Beth]

That's my commitment.

[Tracy]

We have to get A lawyer to draw something out.

[Mars]

Seriously?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Beth]

My husband sat as a lawyer, so I'm sure he probably did.

[Mars]

Okay, let's do this. Let me put you on hold. We'll talk to you over the next couple of days. We'll negotiate exactly what you could put on your arm or your leg or whatever if you don't lose the £40. But that £40 that you want to lose is your anniversary date, right?

[Beth]

Yep. Anniversary date.

[Jeff]

September 8th.

[Stacey]

September.

[Mars]

September. So that'd be a bittersweet anniversary date. Yeah. Okay, let me put you on hold.

[Jeff]

Or the best one, you know?

[Mars]

Or the best one.

[Stacey]

She can't back out because her husband said no. That's only my only concern, because even when we did, you know, was it last year, the photo, or was it the year before?

[Jeff]

Last year.

[Tracy]

Last year.

[Stacey]

And even with the photo resolution challenge we had a year ago, there were women that had reasons, had excuses. They were motivated in January, but come May, for some reason, they couldn't be a part of it. So that's only my concerns. Well, my husband said no, and no, he can't.

[Mars]

I'll take one more call. Good morning, Sarah. You're on Q100.

[Beth]

Good morning.

[Mars]

Good morning. How are you?

[Beth]

I'm pretty good. How are you all doing?

[Mars]

Good. I just want to set the parameters right off the bat that, you know, this is the ultimate motivation by humiliation. If you can't succeed in your resolution this year, we're going to tattoo you.

[Beth]

That's fine. I actually am volunteering. My fiance and myself.

[Mars]

Beyonce and yourself.

[Beth]

Yes.

[Tracy]

Does he know about this yet?

[Beth]

Well, I'll have to call him this morning, but I have a strong feeling he'll be okay with the Tattoo. He has 15 tattoos himself, so another one I think would be okay with him.

[Tracy]

This one's gonna say, essentially, I suck.

[Mars]

What's the resolution?

[Beth]

We're gonna get married this year. We've been engaged almost two years now. We have a child together, and, you know, it's been back and forth and every exc. Under the sun as to why right now isn't a good time.

[Tracy]

How old's your baby?

[Beth]

Nine months old.

[Tracy]

Because we want to tattoo the kid as well.

[Jeff]

Oh, no.

[Beth]

He does have a tattoo for her.

[Tracy]

So I'm illegitimate. We want to tattoo that on the baby. I didn't want to use that word. That's what I was thinking.

[Mars]

Hey, Sarah?

[Beth]

Yeah?

[Mars]

Is it mostly your excuses or his excuses?

[Beth]

Oh, no, it's totally his excuses.

[Mars]

So the tattoo that you guys would get at the end of the year if you are not married, would be we couldn't commit. Or he would put I just can't commit.

[Beth]

Yes.

[Jeff]

And yours would be I just couldn't get him to marry me.

[Beth]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mars]

Okay.

[Beth]

Sucker him into it.

[Mars]

All right, that is a deal.

[Stacey]

If he agrees to it.

[Mars]

If he agrees to it. So we're gonna have to talk to you again tomorrow morning because you still have to get his approval on it.

[Beth]

Okay?

[Mars]

But if you come on tomorrow morning, then you will be our third. Okay.

[Beth]

All righty.

[Tracy]

I'll.

[Beth]

I'll give him a call, and then we'll try and get this thing together then.

[Mars]

All right. Let me put you on hold. Don't go anywhere, and we'll get all your information. Okay?

[Lisa]

All right.

[Beth]

Sounds great.

[Mars]

All right. Hold on.

[Tracy]

Should say even getting knocked up didn't work.

[Jeff]

What about he wouldn't marry me.

[Mars]

Yeah.

[Stacey]

Yeah.

[Mars]

And his on his arm is I can't commit. I can't commit. And you have to explain that to every woman that he ever sees without a shirt on ever again. Get it? The Birch Show.