Vault: Movie Act Off: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Summary

The Bert Show – "Vault: Movie Act Off: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation"

Date: May 28, 2026
Cast: Bert (A), Melissa (B), Jeff (C), Joanna (D), Guest/Clip Contributor (E)

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Episode Overview

This episode features a festive and humorous segment known as the "Movie Act Off," where cast members reenact monologues from classic Christmas movies. The focus for this round is the iconic tirade from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" delivered by Chevy Chase's character, Clark Griswold. The cast brings their signature energy and playful competitiveness, aiming to deliver the funniest and most spirited renditions while ribbing each other along the way.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Explaining the Movie Act Off

• The show introduces the "Act Off" as a friendly competition modeled after acting class challenges, where participants reenact famous film scenes and the group votes for the best performance.
• [00:34] Bert (A):
  “What we're doing is we are each taking a monologue from a famous Christmas movie… and we are trying to reenact it. It's an act off. They do these in acting classes where… people vote on who was the best that day.”
• Previous day's segment with Jeff is referenced, setting the bar for this episode’s participants.

2. Choosing the Scene & Setting the Stage

• Melissa volunteers to perform the climactic "nobody's leaving" monologue from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation."
• Joanna is invited to participate, despite being "schooled" by Jeff in the previous round.
  [01:58] Bert: “I know you got schooled really badly by Jeff yesterday…do you want to try that again today?”_
• There's comedic banter about who’s familiar with Chevy Chase and the movie, adding to the segment’s loose, fun tone.

3. Listening to the Source Scene

• To set a baseline, the original movie scene is played. Listeners hear Clark Griswold’s frustrated-but-determined holiday speech.
• [02:54] Movie Clip (E):
  “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas…We're all in this together…We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Kaye…”

4. Melissa’s First (and Second) Attempt

• Melissa stumbles on the first try but quickly resets and confidently launches into a spirited performance on her second take.
• [03:38] Melissa (B):
  “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We are all in this together. This is a full blown four alarm holiday emergency here…”
• Bert encourages and pokes fun with mock producer direction:
  [03:54] Bert (A): “Let me play the part of the producer. No, that was great, but could you do it one more time for me?”_
• Melissa brings energy, comedic timing, and gets the PG-13 lines just right:
  [04:04] Melissa (B):
  “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving… And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down the chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of a-holes this side of the nuthouse.”

5. Joanna’s Turn

• Joanna stands up, citing a need for "the blood to circulate" (and to avoid falling out of a “terribly broken” chair), adding physical comedy to her performance moment.
• She delivers the lines with gusto:
  [04:54] Joanna (D):
  “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas…And when Santa squeezes his fat, wide ass down the Christmas tree tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a-holes this side of the nuthouse.”

6. Playful Critique & Camaraderie

• After each performance, the cast heaps on playful praise and light teasing, maintaining the conversational, competitive, and collaborative Bert Show energy.
• Bert notes the minor flubs and celebrates the effort:
  [04:32] Bert (A): “She did a real good job on that second one, but she left you a little opening for a win.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:31] "I can say ass on the radio, right? Yeah." – Melissa tests the boundaries for on-air language, perfectly in tune with the irreverence of the original movie.
• [04:54] "I do. I have to stand up. I feel like the blood has to, you know, circulate." – Joanna, prepping for her performance and adding physical comedy.
• [04:32] "She did a real good job on that second one, but she left you a little opening for a win." – Bert, keeping the competitive spirit alive.

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Important Timestamps

• 00:34: Explanation of Act Off format
• 01:34: Announcement of "National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation" scene
• 02:54: Playback of original Clark Griswold monologue
• 03:38 – 04:32: Melissa’s attempts and completed performance
• 04:42 – 05:26: Joanna’s performance

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Takeaways

Listeners are treated to a playful, holiday-spirited competition bursting with genuine camaraderie, classic comedy moments, and lots of laughs. Even without knowing the original movie, the cast’s banter and performances make for an engaging, relatable segment that invites the audience into the fun—proving once again why The Bert Show is such a popular morning destination.

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For more segments or to join the fun, visit thebertshow.com.

Transcript

[A]

You're on the vert show. Where's Melissa? Carter? Because we could do our Christmas movie act off right now. Carter, it's movie act off time, girl. You can't escape this.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

All right. You can't escape this. Jeff did a fantastic job yesterday. Fantastic job.

[C]

Jimmy Stewart. You know, I picked a kind of a mediocre actor, too, and a movie

[A]

that hardly anybody knows, which is a nice move, too. What we're doing is we are each taking a monologue from a famous Christmas movie this week, and we are trying to reenact it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's an act off. They do these in acting classes where they will. They will have competitions between actors. One actor will go up and he'll do a scene. Then another actor will come up and do the same scene. And then people vote on who was the best that day. Jeff did a great job yesterday.

[C]

Thank you very much.

[A]

Really great.

[D]

Encore.

[C]

He's like, I got nominated for Golden Globe yesterday. I don't know if you guys saw that.

[A]

So now, did Joanna see which movie you're doing? Because I am fairly confident that she thinks that she can already do your scene better than.

[B]

That's right. Well, I purposely didn't tell her, because yesterday Joanna said that to Jeff about how she could do a better job than he could. So Jeff did his monologue. Joanna came in without having prepped for it or anything, and challenged him. So I thought, well, if we're gonna do that with Joanna this week, then it has to be consistent. So I didn't tell her what I was doing.

[A]

You wanna bring her in? She might have been schooled enough yesterday where she didn't want anything.

[C]

She might not even be here today.

[A]

I don't want anything to do with this. What scene are you doing?

[B]

Well, I had mentioned the other day that my favorite Christmas movie is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so there is a scene that Chevy Chase does as Clark Griswold where he's a little fed up with family. So I'm going to do a scene in which he tells the family that nobody's going nowhere.

[A]

Okay. All right, now, Joanna, this is your call today. I know you got schooled really badly by Jeff yesterday.

[C]

I mean.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Just taken dang out. So do you sure you want to try that again today, or would you just rather bypass on this whole thing after that comment?

[D]

I'm so doing it again. I got schooled.

[C]

Have you ever seen she May Beat Me?

[B]

I mean, you never know.

[C]

Have you ever seen Christmas Vacation

[D]

Which I know probably not, because I don't even know Chevy Chase.

[B]

I haven't seen it either. Really? It's awesome.

[D]

Oh, it's the best movie.

[B]

Did you say you have it, Jeff?

[A]

Oh, no, I've seen.

[C]

She said she hadn't. Jen hadn't.

[B]

No, I heard that. But I heard. I was like, what?

[C]

I've seen it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Jeff is the one with the rain man. Jeff is the one with the sticker mustache. All right, so, Joanna, because you haven't heard the scene yet, we will play the actual scene then we'll have Melissa go first and then. Why don't you give it a try? Okay.

[E]

Okay, superstar, where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas.

[C]

No, no.

[E]

We're all in this together. This is a full blown four alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap dance with Danny. And when Santa squeezes his fat white down that chimney night, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of this side of the nuthouse.

[A]

Oh, I can't wait to hear how you guys are gonna edit yourselves on that one. Who has to play the part of the beat?

[B]

I can say ass on the radio, right? Yeah.

[A]

It's a good day. You just did.

[B]

Yeah, I was just testing it out.

[A]

Felt good, didn't it?

[B]

It's gonna feel good again. Okay, you ready?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

All right. Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We are all in this together. This is a. This is.

[A]

And cut.

[B]

I messed up. Let me try it again.

[A]

Let me play the part of the producer. No, that was great, but could you do it one more time for me?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, Let me play the part of the nutty nutcracker. Hey, Melissa.

[A]

Don't come.

[B]

I know I screwed up. Okay, here we go. I don't. Yeah, whatever. Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We are all in this together. This is a full blown four alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on. We're gonna have a hap, hap. Happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap dance with Danny F and K. And when Santa squeezes his fat that white ass down the chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of a holes this side of the nut house.

[A]

And cut.

[B]

Yay. Good job, Melissa.

[A]

She did a real good job on that second one, but she left you a little opening for a win.

[C]

I know you're standing up.

[D]

I do. I have to stand up. I feel like the blood has to, you know, circulate.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Also, that chair is terribly broken.

[D]

I almost fell out of it. Can we move this? Thank you.

[C]

Okay, Melissa probably busted the chair just

[D]

to pray up, not the tour. Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all gonna be in this together. This is a full blown four alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced his way with Danny effing Cain. And when Santa squeezes his fat, wide ass down the Christmas tree tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a holes this side of the nuthouse.

[A]

You didn't do bad prop. Listen, it's the vert show.