The Bert Show: Vault - One Man's Burger King Order Turned Into a Police Matter

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

Overview of the Episode

In this episode of The Bert Show, the crew dives into a wild 911 call from a man in Boynton Beach, Florida, who called emergency services after a less-than-ideal drive-thru experience at Burger King. The cast uses the moment to launch into a broader, often hilarious, discussion about inappropriate 911 calls—from missing lemonade to "overdosing" on brownies, and even calls reporting UFOs. True to The Bert Show style, the episode blends real-life absurdities with the hosts' sharp-witted commentary and relatable banter.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Burger King 911 Call

[00:43 - 05:34]

• Background: A man calls 911 from a Burger King drive-thru after being told they are out of lemonade. He’s frustrated that the cashier didn’t let him know earlier and claims he’s being made to wait 15 minutes because he “talked too much.”
• 911 Operator’s Patient Response: The operator calmly tries to reason with him, repeatedly emphasizing that running out of lemonade or slow service isn’t a police matter.
• Customer’s Perspective: The caller, Jean, insists he’s being treated unfairly as a customer and wants the police to arbitrate.
• Key moment: The operator explains the gravity of using 911, “Customer service is not a reason to call 911. 911 is if you’re dying. Do you understand that?” (04:36, 911 Operator)

Hosts’ Reactions

• [02:32, Host Robert]: “As a 911 operator, having to explain that to me…”
• The hosts are both amused and baffled that someone would even consider dialing emergency services for fast food complaints.
• Host Sean muses: “Fast food phone calls to 911. Would you ever let that cross your mind? I would never.” (02:51)
• Discussion expands on the public’s misunderstanding of what 911 is for. (02:57 - 03:04)

2. Classic and Silly 911 Calls

[05:37 - 12:48]

• Segue to More Calls: The cast reminisces about other calls where people phoned 911 for trivial reasons, including someone asking for the time.
• Legendary Stoned Cop 911 Call:
  • [07:03 - 12:27]
  • Story: A police officer, after making and consuming marijuana brownies with his wife, calls 911 convinced they’re dying, claiming, “I think we're dead. I really do.” (07:55, 911 Caller)
  • Notable moment: The officer gets lost in time, saying, “Time is going by really, really, really, really slow.” (08:20, 911 Caller)
  • Memorable diversion: As the call meanders, he asks, “What’s the score in the Red Wings game?”—checking if it’s real or a hallucination. (11:42, 911 Caller)
  • Host Robert’s Take: “[It’s] so sad when he says, ‘I think we might already be dead.’” (12:53)
• The cast and listeners revel in the absurdity, pondering: “Who are you more disturbed to see? Your mother-in-law or the police?” - Host Sean, (12:33 - 12:38)

3. Real 911 Operator Caller: UFOs and Wild Calls

[13:01 - 14:26]

• Guest 'Robert' Calls In: A former military 911 operator shares stories of strange calls, notably an old lady convinced there’s UFO activity over her house.
  • “She was adamant that there was a UFO hovering over her house…she wasn’t even in our jurisdiction…She really wanted to talk to somebody.” — Robert, [13:32 - 13:36]
• Hosts’ Response: They joke about transferring the call to the Army Airfield or the Air Force, and riff on the woman possibly ingesting the same brownies as the earlier cop.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The police will come. You cannot dial 911 because you're unhappy with your burger. Okay? Do you understand that?”
  — 911 Operator, [02:11]

• “Customer service is not a reason to call 911. 911 is if you’re dying. Do you understand that?”
  — 911 Operator, [04:36]

• “I think we're dead. I really do.”
  — 911 Caller (Stoned Cop), [07:55]

• “Time is going by really, really, really, really slow.”
  — 911 Caller (Stoned Cop), [08:20]

• “Who are you more disturbed to see? Your mother-in-law or the police?”
  — Host Sean, [12:33]

• “She was adamant that there was a UFO hovering over her house.”
  — Robert (911 Operator Caller), [13:32]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Burger King 911 Call & Hosts’ Reactions: 00:43 – 05:34
• Discussion on Silly 911 Calls & 911 as a Public Service: 05:37 – 06:17
• Stoned Cop Marijuana Brownie Call: 07:03 – 12:27
• 911 Operator Guest, UFO Story: 13:01 – 14:26

Tone and Style

The episode is light-hearted, conversational, and mocking in a friendly, relatable way. The cast freely riffs and builds on each other’s jokes, keeping the mood playful despite the absurdity and occasional frustration embedded in the stories. Their authenticity and humor invite listeners to consider the logic (or lack thereof) in these real-life 911 misadventures.

Summary

This Bert Show episode delivers a hilarious, sometimes cringe-inducing look at how everyday frustrations can spiral into emergency calls, providing both comic relief and a subtle lesson in common sense. Between the incredulous Burger King customer, the out-of-his-mind cop, and a UFO caller needing reassurance, the cast reminds us of the spectrum of “emergencies” and the humanity—and patience—of the 911 operators who answer them.