Vault: One Of Jeff's Most Traumatic Moments

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – One of Jeff's Most Traumatic Moments

Podcast: The Bert Show
Host: Bert, with Jeff and Jessica
Episode Date: January 22, 2026
Episode Focus: Jeff shares the story of a riverboat outing that turned into one of his most unexpectedly traumatic—and hilarious—life moments.

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Main Theme & Episode Purpose

The episode centers around Jeff recounting what he calls one of his most “traumatic” (and absurd) recent experiences: a much-anticipated scenic riverboat cruise in Chattanooga, planned by his wife Jessica. Their expectation of a romantic, relaxing outing quickly devolves into comedic misery thanks to the odd company, awkward situations, and a final, unforgettable interaction with one particularly elderly passenger.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Chattanooga Riverboat Decision

• Origin of the Trip:

  • Jessica found the idea in a magazine, described as a “beautiful cruise…to watch the leaves change." Chattanooga is close by, and it seemed ideal for a fall outing.
  • They only secured tickets because she acted fast—there were only two left for the season.
    • “So she got them.” (01:19 – Jeff)
    • Bert jokes: “Destiny. I'd call it a date with destiny.” (01:21)

• Jeff’s Reservations:

  • Admits he's indifferent, not thrilled.
    • “I would be lying if I said I was thrilled at the idea, right? But I was not put out by it at all.” (01:50 – Jeff)
  • Bert teases that it’s a “deposit into the sexual bank.” (01:56)

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2. Boarding the Boat & The Unexpected Crowd

• Atmosphere Letdown:

  • Jeff envisioned a classic paddleboat adventure; the reality was less “special” but not awful.

• Demographic Shock:

  • The boat’s two main groups are:
    • Group 1: Very elderly, possibly from a nursing home—described colorfully as “walking the earth with Jesus.” (02:47)
    • Group 2: “Redneck gay” tour group from Alabama, leading to lively and comedic discussion about stereotypes and unexpected combinations.
      • "There is the guy who...like Jack from Will & Grace...doing it in a heavy southern accent is weird. With a lisp. It's weird. It's just weird in the spot." (04:05 – Jeff)
      • Jessica and Bert push Jeff to explain, challenging and riffing on his description (03:53–04:01).

• Jeff and Jessica quickly realize they’re seemingly the only “outlier” couple aboard.

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3. River Cruise Realities

• Assigned Seating & Duration Dread:

  • An assigned “long banquet style table”—to Jeff’s dismay—next to strangers for an hour.
  • Total cruise time: Five hours—much longer than Jeff expected or would have chosen.
    • “One wasn’t thrilled about it in the first place. Two, really old people. Three, redneck gay people from Alabama. Four, assigned seats. And five, it’s almost five freaking hours long.” (05:35 – Jeff)

• Interaction with Fellow Passengers:

  • Their Alabama tablemates are friendly; the conversation is neutral but unremarkable.
  • Jeff quickly escapes to the top deck, searching for solitude (06:47–07:04).

• Jeff Tries to Adjust:

  • He braces himself mentally for a long day, chanting internally about “only five hours out of my life” (07:06).
  • Eventually, as the boat fills, he and Jessica watch an elderly couple flirt nearby—a rare dose of amusement.

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4. The Peak Trauma: Elderly Encounter

• Key Incident:

  • An elderly couple is standing next to Jeff as seating runs out.
  • The gentleman asks his lady to take his photo; as he poses, he inadvertently points his backside directly at Jeff, and then—without warning—flatulates.
    • Memorable Quotes:
      • “The old man farted on my damn head. I am on a five hour ship on the Tennessee River. With gay rednecks from Alabama and people who should have died nine years ago and an old man fucking fart in my face.” (08:57 – Jeff)
      • Jessica: “Was it a big, loud, audible—?” (09:15)
      • Jeff: “It wasn’t so much the loudness as it was the length.” (09:20)
      • Description: “It was like a doctor putting on a rubber exam glove.” (09:24)

• Reactions:

  • The group laughs and reflects on karma and Jeff’s ‘punishment’ for his attitude going in.
    • Jessica: “Don’t you think, Jeff, that might have been the karma train coming right...?” (09:28)
    • Jeff: “Stuck on a boat with gassy old people and gay people. I think that was appropriate.” (09:43)

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5. Wrap-up Reflections

• Jeff’s Final Takeaway:
  • Jeff lists off his career accolades and social status, juxtaposed tragically (and humorously) with the humiliation of having “an old man farted on my head,” highlighting the randomness of life and relatable humility.
    • Quote:
      • “The governor of the state has called my cell phone, and an old man farted on my head.” (09:50 – Jeff)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jessica, on the river’s autumn colors: “There's a lot more color than there is here in Atlanta right now...” (01:39)
• Bert, setting the scene: “This was a large deposit into the sexual bank.” (01:56)
• Jeff, realizing the trip’s length and prospects: “…Almost five freaking hours long. And I'm on it. So I'm just trying to suck it up.” (05:35)
• On the unusual crowd: “It might have been a field trip from some kind of home or something.” (03:02 – Burt)
• On the boat’s dynamics: “One boat of half-dead people and one boat of gay people... all in one boat with Jeff and Jessica.” (05:16–05:21 – Jessica, Jeff)
• On the humiliating moment: “The old man farted on my damn head.” (08:57 – Jeff)
• Summing it up: “And an old man farted on my head. An hour ago.” (09:50 – Jeff)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:02 – 01:50: Jessica plans the riverboat trip; Jeff’s initial attitude
• 02:31 – 04:36: Boarding the boat; meeting the two tour groups—“old people” & “redneck gay” group
• 05:30 – 06:27: Assigned seating, tablemates, and Jeff’s sense of doom
• 07:06 – 08:56: Watching the crowd; the scene on the upper deck; the flirtatious elderly couple
• 08:56 – 09:43: The critical moment—elderly man’s accidental insult to Jeff’s dignity
• 09:43 – end: Karma, humiliation, and Jeff’s “career highlight” list

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Episode Tone & Style

The discussion is irreverent, honest, gently self-mocking—and peppered with the show’s signature half-shocked, half-sweet banter. Bert, Jessica, and Jeff riff off each other with genuine amusement, never taking themselves too seriously, and find humor in the universal discomfort of ill-fated outings.

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Summary Takeaway

For anyone who’s ever agreed to a “fun” outing that goes off the rails, Jeff’s story delivers big laughs, deeply relatable awkwardness, and a reminder: sometimes, you’re just one river cruise away from total humiliation—but at least it makes for a great story.

Transcript

[Jeff]

The Burt Show.

[Burt]

Some things happen in your life from time to time that are so traumatic that it can change you. It can just change a little part of you. And I think Jeff probably had that happen to him this weekend.

[Jeff]

It was like, I said, well, first of all, I gotta get credit because Jessica, a couple weeks ago, said that your wife. My wife Jessica, like, a year ago, found this thing in some magazine about a trip up to Chattanooga, a trip on the Tennessee river when the leaves change. How it's supposed to be, like, a really beautiful cruise thing to take to get on the boat and go watch the leaves change. And Chattanooga's less than 90 minutes away, and it's a cool drive. And she asked me a couple weeks ago if I would like to do this, and I was kind of on the fence about it. I'm like, yeah, maybe, whatever. And she goes, okay, well, I'm gonna call and see about availability. And. And she calls, and it turns out that there's only two tickets left of the entire season of going up to Chattanooga to take this cruise. There are only two seats left. And one of the. However many boats they do. And she goes. So I bought them. I didn't want him to go. So if we. We go, the tickets are available. And I said, well, you know what? This thing's got to be kind of a big deal if it almost sells out.

[Jessica]

And get the last two tickets.

[Jeff]

The last two tickets. So she got them.

[Burt]

Destiny. I'd call it a date with destiny is what I would call it.

[Jeff]

So Saturday morning, we wake up, we're going up to Chattanooga to go on this river cruise, and we're gonna watch the leaves. And it's kind of like, hokey and cheesy and whatever, but whatever it is.

[Jessica]

Well, and the leaves, I mean, up in that area, there's a lot more color than there is here in Atlanta right now in the trees. And you're gaining points, right? Make her happy. She make you happy much later, right?

[Jeff]

And I would be lying if I said I was thrilled at the idea, right? But I was not put out by it at all.

[Burt]

This was a large deposit into the sexual bank.

[Jeff]

Sure. It was like, it is what it is. I'll go. I had really no passionate feelings either way, but whatever. So we get up there, we make the drive to Chattanooga. Everything's fine. The clouds kind of came in, so we were bummed, and we thought about bailing. But then the sun started to shine while we had lunch. So we make our way down to the riverboat, and we board the Riverboat. And we get on and it wasn't like. It wasn't what I had in my mind. I don't know what I thought it would be.

[Jessica]

What are you talking about?

[Jeff]

The boat was. A riverboat's a riverboat, you know.

[Jessica]

So it was a paddle boat. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Thinking like that big wheel in the background type of thing. It's just like a river boat thing. That was fine. But the crowd wasn't.

[Jessica]

They were a lot older.

[Jeff]

Well, there were two big tour groups on the boat and one of them. One of the tour groups was definitely walking the earth with Jesus. Like they were old. Like.

[Burt]

Like it might have been a field trip from some kind of like home or something.

[Jeff]

Yes, a lot of older people. Not elderly. Like, look at those cute old people. But like, did that man just pass away old? Like old.

[Jessica]

Like gray skin old.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Jeff]

But they were, you know, so I appreciate them taking their thing. Then the other tour group, and this is seriously where I wonder if at one point in my life I inadvertently took acid in it. Every now and again comes back to me, was a group, a tour group comprised of gay people from Alabama. And I mean, like redneck gay. And I'm not.

[Burt]

I don't know what that. What's the difference? Like what.

[Jessica]

Yeah, explain to me, Jeff, what you mean.

[Burt]

What is redneck gay?

[Jessica]

Like redneck flamboyant gay men.

[Jeff]

Yeah, well, just like, I can't.

[Jessica]

That's a contradiction in terms, actually being flamboyant and being redneck. Yeah, that's true.

[Jeff]

Well, no, because there is the guy who. With like the high pitched Southern. The high pitched voice, you know, like the typical stereotypical, you know, gay, like Jack from, you know, Will and Grace, like that typical kind of voice, but doing it in a heavy southern accent is weird. With a lisp. It's weird. It's just weird in the spot.

[Jessica]

It's funny. All of them had lisps.

[Jeff]

And they're like, you know, I think of like, you know, like Melissa is my closest gay friend and one of.

[Jessica]

The few people he said his quota.

[Jeff]

I don't know a lot of gay people, but the ones I know are all very midtown Atlanta. Especially, like the gay guys I know are like all very midtown Atlanta and well dressed and put together and in better shape than I could ever hope to be in. And these guys were just hit with sticks. I mean, they were not.

[Jessica]

It's so funny how Friday night I went to go see the movie Capote, Truman Capote. I mean, he was Alabama gay boy, so he, you know, he had that high pitched lisp. Gay boy. And was, you know, a little out of shape and that kind of thing. Did they have mullets and stuff?

[Jeff]

Yes, like gay men with mullets.

[Burt]

That's an oxymoron.

[Jeff]

The whole thing was weird. So we're on the boat.

[Burt]

We're not even to the traumatic experience yet, by the way.

[Jessica]

So one boat of. Really, one boat of half dead people and one boat of gay people.

[Jeff]

All in one boat.

[Jessica]

Oh, all on one boat.

[Jeff]

All in one boat with Jeff and Jessica.

[Burt]

So it's almost like a wife swap situation where you're trying to get people that are exactly opposite of each other.

[Jessica]

Well, you know what you're fearful of, you tend to bring into your life. So you were right there with.

[Jeff]

Somebody sent these people to me. Yeah, Both groups, whatever it is what it is. We get on the boat and it's almost comical. So we get on, then we get on the boat and the person checking us in takes our ticket and checks off and says and tells us where our assigned seat is. So that throws me because I don't really care for people. So to be forced to sit at a long banquet style table with them for a cruise bothers me. And I'm like, well, do we have to stay in the seat the whole time? They're like, no, no, no. That's just where you eat for the first hour of the cruise. The other three and a half hours you can roam around the ship. So now I have found out that one wasn't thrilled about it in the first place. Two really old people, three redneck gay people from Alabama, four assigned seats and five, it's almost five freaking hours long. And I'm on it. So I'm just trying to suck it up.

[Jessica]

Jessica knew this. She didn't maybe know the crowd, but she knew the length of the trip.

[Jeff]

So we sit, we sit down and the people sitting next to us are nice enough and we talk to them. They were from Alabama.

[Jessica]

So you were next to the gay guys from Alabama?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I don't know if they. I don't want to. Yeah, I'm guessing they were because they were with the group, so whatever. So we, I had a conversation with them. They were fine.

[Burt]

He.

[Jeff]

It was interesting because he commutes from Alabama to Marietta, whatever, yada, yada, boom. We hightail it up to the top deck of the ship and Jessica can see the tension in and she's saying stuff like, do you want to get off? Do you want to end it? And I'm like, No, I can be okay with this. And I sit there and I close my eyes.

[Jessica]

It's only five hours, Jeff.

[Jeff]

And I chant to myself, and I make myself okay with it, and things are fine. It's only five hours out of my life. Things are fine. So we move over to the edge of the ship and we pull a little plastic chair up and Jessica and I are the only ones on the top deck, and it's fine and things are great. And then people start moving up to the top deck and things are still okay.

[Jessica]

I guess only the gay people could move up to the top deck because.

[Jeff]

The other ones, the old people, took them a lot longer, but they made their way up there and it was fine. And the guy was doing his cheesy narration over the loudspeaker and it was funny. And I had my new camera, so I was taking pictures of leaves and everything was fine. But then every chair on the top deck got filled, so there was standing room only. So the nicest old couple stood to our left as we sat in the chairs. And I even offered them. I said, do you guys want to sit? Because that's the polite thing you do when there's, you know, someone much older than you, you offer them your seat. And he said, no, I'm fine. We're just going to stand here for a few minutes. And they stood there and it was so neat to watch these old people who are obviously not married, but they were hitting on each other. You know, they were doing the dating dance and it was kind of funny.

[Burt]

So you're sitting in there standing, you're watching this whole thing.

[Jeff]

Yep. And we're kind of eavesdropping. We're watching the leaves and we're standing there and the woman takes out her camera. And it's so funny watching old people deal with cameras because, you know, they don't know when they were using them. You threw a blanket over your head and a puff of smoke came out of the thing when you took them. So she figures out the camera and he decides, he says, you go over there and take a picture of me here against the railing. So now I'm sitting there and I'm in my chair and he's standing right to my left. And she walks away. And as soon as she walks away, he turns around so that he's facing her, so I'm looking right in his ass. And the old man farted on me.

[Jessica]

No, he did not.

[Jeff]

The old man farted on my damn head. I am on a five hour ship on the Tennessee river. With gay rednecks from Alabama and people who should have died nine years ago and an old man fucking fart in my face.

[Jessica]

You know what? Was it a big, loud audible. Yes, it was like, how loud?

[Jeff]

It wasn't so much the loudness as it was the length.

[Jessica]

Oh, no. Do it.

[Jeff]

It was like a guy. It was like a doctor putting on a rubber exam glove.

[Jessica]

Do it. You know what? Some say that we sometimes, you know, some say that we deserve some of the things that happen in our lives. Don't you think, Jeff, that that might have been the karma train coming right.

[Jeff]

Into the deep water when I actually.

[Jessica]

We got, like, stuck on a boat with gassy old people and gay people. I think that was appropriate.

[Jeff]

I actually had the. Like, Jessica got in the car and said, it wasn't that bad. And this is. You know, this is not meant to sound. Even though this comes out egotistically, it's not meant to sound that way. I said to her, no offense, Jessica, like, I'm glad we did this and we had the experience together. But I have been on the COVID of Atlanta magazine. The radio show that I am on is the morning show of the year. According to several publications, one of the top 40 most influential people in the city of Atlanta, the governor of the state has called my cell phone, and an old man farted on my head. An hour ago, the Birch Show.