The Bert Show: Vault – One of Jeff's Most Traumatic Moments

Podcast: The Bert Show
Host: Bert, with Jeff and Jessica
Episode Date: January 22, 2026
Episode Focus: Jeff shares the story of a riverboat outing that turned into one of his most unexpectedly traumatic—and hilarious—life moments.

Main Theme & Episode Purpose

The episode centers around Jeff recounting what he calls one of his most “traumatic” (and absurd) recent experiences: a much-anticipated scenic riverboat cruise in Chattanooga, planned by his wife Jessica. Their expectation of a romantic, relaxing outing quickly devolves into comedic misery thanks to the odd company, awkward situations, and a final, unforgettable interaction with one particularly elderly passenger.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Chattanooga Riverboat Decision

• Origin of the Trip:

  • Jessica found the idea in a magazine, described as a “beautiful cruise…to watch the leaves change." Chattanooga is close by, and it seemed ideal for a fall outing.
  • They only secured tickets because she acted fast—there were only two left for the season.
    • “So she got them.” (01:19 – Jeff)
    • Bert jokes: “Destiny. I'd call it a date with destiny.” (01:21)

• Jeff’s Reservations:

  • Admits he's indifferent, not thrilled.
    • “I would be lying if I said I was thrilled at the idea, right? But I was not put out by it at all.” (01:50 – Jeff)
  • Bert teases that it’s a “deposit into the sexual bank.” (01:56)

2. Boarding the Boat & The Unexpected Crowd

• Atmosphere Letdown:

  • Jeff envisioned a classic paddleboat adventure; the reality was less “special” but not awful.

• Demographic Shock:

  • The boat’s two main groups are:
    • Group 1: Very elderly, possibly from a nursing home—described colorfully as “walking the earth with Jesus.” (02:47)
    • Group 2: “Redneck gay” tour group from Alabama, leading to lively and comedic discussion about stereotypes and unexpected combinations.
      • "There is the guy who...like Jack from Will & Grace...doing it in a heavy southern accent is weird. With a lisp. It's weird. It's just weird in the spot." (04:05 – Jeff)
      • Jessica and Bert push Jeff to explain, challenging and riffing on his description (03:53–04:01).

• Jeff and Jessica quickly realize they’re seemingly the only “outlier” couple aboard.

3. River Cruise Realities

• Assigned Seating & Duration Dread:

  • An assigned “long banquet style table”—to Jeff’s dismay—next to strangers for an hour.
  • Total cruise time: Five hours—much longer than Jeff expected or would have chosen.
    • “One wasn’t thrilled about it in the first place. Two, really old people. Three, redneck gay people from Alabama. Four, assigned seats. And five, it’s almost five freaking hours long.” (05:35 – Jeff)

• Interaction with Fellow Passengers:

  • Their Alabama tablemates are friendly; the conversation is neutral but unremarkable.
  • Jeff quickly escapes to the top deck, searching for solitude (06:47–07:04).

• Jeff Tries to Adjust:

  • He braces himself mentally for a long day, chanting internally about “only five hours out of my life” (07:06).
  • Eventually, as the boat fills, he and Jessica watch an elderly couple flirt nearby—a rare dose of amusement.

4. The Peak Trauma: Elderly Encounter

• Key Incident:

  • An elderly couple is standing next to Jeff as seating runs out.
  • The gentleman asks his lady to take his photo; as he poses, he inadvertently points his backside directly at Jeff, and then—without warning—flatulates.
    • Memorable Quotes:
      • “The old man farted on my damn head. I am on a five hour ship on the Tennessee River. With gay rednecks from Alabama and people who should have died nine years ago and an old man fucking fart in my face.” (08:57 – Jeff)
      • Jessica: “Was it a big, loud, audible—?” (09:15)
      • Jeff: “It wasn’t so much the loudness as it was the length.” (09:20)
      • Description: “It was like a doctor putting on a rubber exam glove.” (09:24)

• Reactions:

  • The group laughs and reflects on karma and Jeff’s ‘punishment’ for his attitude going in.
    • Jessica: “Don’t you think, Jeff, that might have been the karma train coming right...?” (09:28)
    • Jeff: “Stuck on a boat with gassy old people and gay people. I think that was appropriate.” (09:43)

5. Wrap-up Reflections

• Jeff’s Final Takeaway:
  • Jeff lists off his career accolades and social status, juxtaposed tragically (and humorously) with the humiliation of having “an old man farted on my head,” highlighting the randomness of life and relatable humility.
    • Quote:
      • “The governor of the state has called my cell phone, and an old man farted on my head.” (09:50 – Jeff)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jessica, on the river’s autumn colors: “There's a lot more color than there is here in Atlanta right now...” (01:39)
• Bert, setting the scene: “This was a large deposit into the sexual bank.” (01:56)
• Jeff, realizing the trip’s length and prospects: “…Almost five freaking hours long. And I'm on it. So I'm just trying to suck it up.” (05:35)
• On the unusual crowd: “It might have been a field trip from some kind of home or something.” (03:02 – Burt)
• On the boat’s dynamics: “One boat of half-dead people and one boat of gay people... all in one boat with Jeff and Jessica.” (05:16–05:21 – Jessica, Jeff)
• On the humiliating moment: “The old man farted on my damn head.” (08:57 – Jeff)
• Summing it up: “And an old man farted on my head. An hour ago.” (09:50 – Jeff)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:02 – 01:50: Jessica plans the riverboat trip; Jeff’s initial attitude
• 02:31 – 04:36: Boarding the boat; meeting the two tour groups—“old people” & “redneck gay” group
• 05:30 – 06:27: Assigned seating, tablemates, and Jeff’s sense of doom
• 07:06 – 08:56: Watching the crowd; the scene on the upper deck; the flirtatious elderly couple
• 08:56 – 09:43: The critical moment—elderly man’s accidental insult to Jeff’s dignity
• 09:43 – end: Karma, humiliation, and Jeff’s “career highlight” list

Episode Tone & Style

The discussion is irreverent, honest, gently self-mocking—and peppered with the show’s signature half-shocked, half-sweet banter. Bert, Jessica, and Jeff riff off each other with genuine amusement, never taking themselves too seriously, and find humor in the universal discomfort of ill-fated outings.

Summary Takeaway

For anyone who’s ever agreed to a “fun” outing that goes off the rails, Jeff’s story delivers big laughs, deeply relatable awkwardness, and a reminder: sometimes, you’re just one river cruise away from total humiliation—but at least it makes for a great story.