Vault: One Visit A Year & He's Rewriting His Whole Life To Win Her

Summary

The Bert Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Vault: One Visit A Year & He's Rewriting His Whole Life To Win Her
Date: April 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

This memorable episode dives into the real-life romantic quest of Alex, a listener who has spent the past year reshaping himself to fit the “perfect man” criteria for a woman he meets only once annually in Cape May. The Bert Show crew—Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others—unpack his story, examine his efforts and motivations, and offer both practical and humorous commentary on love, self-improvement, and expectations in relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Alex’s Annual Encounter and Attraction

• [01:46–02:34]
  Alex explains: he and the woman have known each other for five years, seeing each other just once a year at their families’ Fourth of July reunion in Cape May, New Jersey.
• This year, she attended single for the first time, spurring a conversation about her breakup and what she truly wants in a partner.

2. The Creation of “The List”

• [02:34–05:12]
  During a candid chat, the woman shares her “perfect man wish list”—ten specific qualities she values in a partner, which she and Alex jot down on a cocktail napkin.
• Alex, a writer, later transcribes the list to preserve the details.

The 10 Qualities of Her Dream Man:

• 1. Values family functions and holidays ([05:13])
• 2. Ready for a committed relationship ([05:41])
• 3. Has completed college and has a career plan ([06:01])
• 4. Good credit
• 5. Loves to travel
• 6. Appreciates other cultures
• 7. Religious or spiritually serious
• 8. Charitable
• 9. Funny
• 10. In good physical health

3. Alex’s Year of Self-Reinvention

• [07:01–08:12]

  • Alex claims he was already doing well in some areas, but made targeted changes to meet all ten requirements over the last year.
  • Notably, inspired by the “appreciates other cultures” and “religious” requirements, he plans a mission trip to Guatemala through his church.
  • Other changes include stabilizing his career, focusing on fitness, and ensuring he’s in good standing in all listed qualities.

  Quote:

  “I think I was in some areas okay before, but I’ve taken the effort over the past year to be very solid in all 10 areas.” – Alex ([07:07])

4. Should Alex Tell Her About the List?

• [08:18–09:06]
  The hosts debate tactics:

  • If Alex is too obvious about meeting the criteria, it could seem insincere.
  • Subtlety is key—let her notice the changes naturally rather than presenting a checklist.

  Quote:

  “If you present this as a document… it’s too obvious and she’s gonna be totally turned off by it.” – Bert ([08:18])

• It’s revealed that she knows about “the list,” as she joked about it when they parted last year, saying,

  “Good luck with the list.” ([09:01])

5. Show Crew Analysis and Support

• [09:09–10:08]

  • The team considers that her mention of the list shows clear interest.
  • They advise Alex to be proud and not see it as all one-sided: maybe next year she should make a list, too.
  • They encourage Alex to remember: these are good traits to strive for, regardless of whether the relationship works out.

  Quote:

  “Good things to aspire to, regardless of whether she’s the one or not.” – Kristin ([10:01])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [05:49]
  “We wrote it down on a cocktail napkin and later I put it onto a regular piece of paper just so I can capture all the… little details.” – Alex
• [08:05]
  “He got two there. If he’s doing it through religion and yeah, he’s traveling.” – Show crew, on Alex's upcoming Guatemala trip
• [09:52]
  “She’s gotta earn your list.” – Show crew, teasing Alex to set his own standards
• [10:01]
  “Good things to aspire to, regardless of whether she’s the one or not.” – Kristin

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Alex introduces the story | 01:34–02:34 | | The origin of “the list” | 02:34–05:12 | | Reading through the ten criteria | 05:12–06:40 | | Alex’s self-improvement over the year | 07:01–08:12 | | Hosts debate how Alex should proceed | 08:18–09:06 | | Discovery that she remembers the list & reactions | 09:06–10:08 | | Crew's reflections, lighthearted advice & wrap-up | 10:09–10:54 |

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Style & Tone

In classic Bert Show fashion, the chat is authentic, a little self-deprecating, supportive, and lighthearted—even as it deals with the serious business of personal transformation for love.

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Final Thoughts

This episode captures the timeless, sometimes comical dance of earnest self-improvement in the pursuit of love. Alex’s willingness to “rewrite his whole life” for a once-a-year connection is both touching and thought-provoking, with the Bert Show team offering a blend of empathy, philosophy, and playful ribbing. Whether or not Alex’s efforts win the woman over, his story is a reminder of the power of real romantic motivation—and how a simple list can be both a road map and a mirror for what we truly value.

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For listeners interested in tales of love, self-betterment, and relationship dynamics (with a side of humor), this episode is not to be missed.

Transcript

[A]

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[C]

Get it? The Bird show.

[D]

Hey, Alex.

[C]

Hey.

[D]

What's going on, man?

[C]

Not much. Not much.

[D]

Caught you a little off guard today.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

We want to know this story now. A year now, you've been planning on, like, molding yourself into the perfect dude for a girl.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. Yeah. Yeah. You could say that. Yeah. So, yeah, it's kind of a. Kind of a long story. It's kind of a. I can't believe you guys got my number. I don't know. You just start into this.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, this is the thing. We. I've known this girl for about five years. We meet just annually. We only see each other, you know, once a year at her around 4th of July in this little town, Cape May, New Jersey. Our families have a tradition of going there to the city every Fourth of July. Both of our family link rent houses. I mean, I live in Waterloo, Iowa, and I travel there to meet up with my family in Cape May. She travels all the way from Tacoma, Washington to be there. And this is the only time we ever have any reaction. Interaction with each other. So this all started from last year. We had gotten together and we were just having a couple of beers, drinking, probably a little too much, but just, you know, killing time away from the family and just together. And I had asked her about why she didn't have her boyfriend with her. She had. She usually has a guy, you know, come to these family things with her, you know, our family event stuff, this annual thing. And she didn't have a guy with her this year. And she launched into this whole thing about she was seeing this guy, but she didn't know how serious it was going to be with him because he had decided to hang out with his friends on the 4th as opposed to coming do this family thing with us and Cape May. And she, she was, I don't know, she's pretty upset and was pretty much saying that that was going to be the end of the relationship. And. And so I was kind of. I kind of like, you know what? This is one thing. And that's enough for you to call off the. The whole relationship. And it started this whole thing about what was important to her about, like, guys, so. And about actually what her dream guy would be like. So out of that came dun, dun, dun, dun. The list. So.

[B]

And what's on the list?

[C]

This is what you've heard about, is the magical list of the things that any man that she would ever be married to, I guess her dream guy would have these ten qualities.

[D]

Okay, so what's on the list?

[F]

I feel like I'm about to read her game of mash.

[G]

Did. Is it an actual film document?

[C]

Well, it's an actual physical document. It was. We wrote it down on a cocktail napkin and later I put it onto a regular piece of paper just so I can capture all the. I'm a writer, so it's like I just need to get all the little details and what she meant by everything because we were drinking at the time. So.

[G]

Okay, so what's on that list? How many items are on the list total?

[C]

10 items.

[D]

So, okay, so what's on that list? What do you think, Simon?

[C]

Well, here we go. Number one thing was family functions that, you know, like family holidays and events. And plans could take precedent and in this man's life.

[G]

Well, you already got that one covered because you hang out with her. Fourth of July.

[C]

So done. Kate, man, that was the reason why that was on the top and why she was ditching the guy that he was with.

[G]

Check number two.

[C]

Number two is a committed relationship. So none of this just part time dating or anything like that is, you know, he's clearly single and you know, clearly ready to. It's cleared the decks as far as having any other relationship ties to ex girlfriends or anything like that.

[B]

Okay, easy enough.

[G]

Three.

[C]

I haven't. What's that? Oh, number three, completed college and had a career plan. Have a career plan.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

And I've done that and I've gotten myself a regular full time job.

[D]

Did you get the full don't ask questions? Well, I want to know. We got 10 of these to roll through.

[G]

Well, we're only a third way through.

[C]

I'm sorry, should I move through these faster? Am I taking too long?

[D]

We'll save the questions for after. All right.

[C]

Okay, so college career plan. Number four, Good credit. Number five, love to travel. Number six, appreciate other cultures.

[D]

Okay. That goes along with traveling.

[C]

Number seven, to be religious or. And I think that means to be spiritual and serious about your spirituality. Number eight is charitable. Number nine is funny. And number ten is to be in good physical well being, to take good physical care of yourself.

[D]

Okay, so you changed everything in your life and you think you're strong in all 10 of those areas now?

[C]

I think I'm very strong in those 10 areas now. I think I was in some areas okay before, but I've taken the effort over the past year to be very solid in all 10 areas.

[G]

Now, what specific life change have you made?

[C]

Just to what's like the most dramatic?

[G]

Yeah, just to adjust to One of

[C]

these 10 most dramatic probably would have to be the most. Boy, the most dramatic would probably have to be. Well, appreciate other cultures. I thought I was, you know, I had already. You know, I don't really have any prejudices or, you know, strong favoritism towards any particular one culture or anything, but through my church, I'm gonna go down to Guatemala.

[E]

Oh, nice.

[D]

And specifically you would do this because you want this to be one of the 10 things.

[E]

No, he got two there. If he's doing it through religion and yeah, he's traveling to travel.

[C]

And travel.

[G]

Bam.

[F]

Are you gonna be running down there?

[C]

I mean, you're working in fitness.

[D]

How are you gonna subtly tell her that you meet all 10 criteria? Because if you present this as a document and you. I mean, it's too obvious and she's gonna be totally turned off by it. So you're gonna have to, I guess, subtly just tell her the things that are going on in your life, and she's gonna have to be able to put it together herself.

[G]

Unless she was. Was she aware that you were making a list?

[C]

Well, she was aware that we were making the list because that was. That was the joke while we were. While we were talking. And I didn't think anything about it last year, but on the day that we left. We usually leave cape May on July 5. When we parted company on the 5th, saying goodbye and see you next year and stuff, she brought up, said, good luck with the list. So I don't know if it's still on her mind or not.

[E]

That changes everything.

[F]

It does change everything, because that means she wanted him to. Maybe.

[D]

Maybe she was subtly trying to say to him

[E]

in Cape May, okay, there's interest there.

[D]

Well, Alex, what the morning zoo here will do is we will check back with you when we get back from

[G]

one joint sound effect does not make us a zoo.

[D]

We're a zoo in training. We're a zit.

[E]

Oh, good morning, zits.

[D]

Alex, we gotta talk to you when we get back from vacation and find out if your plan worked and you truly have become the dude of her dreams.

[C]

We'll see.

[G]

I wouldn't jump right into it. I would make her make a list and go, look, you got one more year to work on this.

[C]

She's gotta earn your list.

[G]

Yeah, let's go over some things that I want. Look, I'm going to freaking Guatemala, okay?

[F]

I think it's really cool.

[D]

It's a good idea. It's a cool idea.

[F]

Good things to aspire to, regardless of whether she's the one or not.

[D]

Alex, we'll talk to you when we get back from vacation.

[C]

Okie doke.

[D]

Okay, bye.

[C]

Bye.

[D]

I think we're gonna have to do some kind of, like, he's gonna have to tell you the story when we get back, and then you will have to interpret what happened.

[G]

I didn't think it was that bad.

[F]

I didn't either.

[D]

Like, I thought it was hurting my ears. I didn't think it was because I haven't eaten or had caffeine or anything this morning.

[G]

Yeah, I thought it was actually kind of a romantic story. I'm surprised you got off the phone

[C]

with him that quickly.

[E]

I think he got into his vibe. I was giving him away because he didn't know he was coming on today.

[F]

You need to eat a carb there

[D]

with Captain Destiny, it was painful. So we'll talk to him when we get back, and either he can tell us a story or you can interpret it through.

[E]

Well, he can start telling us his story on Monday, and by the time we get back, we'll go.

[C]

I didn't think it was yelling. Get it?

[H]

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