Vault: Other people's kids keep getting him out of trouble.

Summary

The Bert Show — Vault: Other People's Kids Keep Getting Him Out of Trouble

Date: June 8, 2026
Main Hosts: Bert, Kristin, (other cast: Abby, Cassie, Tommy)

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Episode Overview

This episode focuses on how people (particularly those without kids) often leverage other people’s children—and the excuses that come with parenting—for social escapes and dodging obligations. With their characteristic humor and honesty, the cast shares personal anecdotes, playful teasing, and reflects on the wider cultural trend of “using the kid excuse.” The segment also features a listener call-in that sparks a side conversation about a possible reality TV opportunity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Parent Excuse Superpower

• Permanent Excuse Acquisition: The hosts joke that having a child comes with a built-in social “get out of jail free” card.

  • “It's no secret that parents who have babies or children—you've essentially purchased yourself...an excuse for 18 years.” (B, 01:00)
  • “Every infant's middle name should be 'excused.'” (C, 01:18)

• Excuse Stats Over Time:

  • One host recalls asking Bert what percentage of the time his “kid excuse” was real. Early on, it was 50%, now he admits it’s maybe 20%.
    • “Could have been in the beginning with Hayden. Probably 50%. Probably now down to about 20.” (C, 01:38)
  • Reflects that as kids get older, it becomes harder to credibly use them as an excuse.

2. Borrowing Other People’s Kids for Excuses

• Confession Time: Bert admits he’s used his friends’ children as his own excuse even though he and Jessica don’t have kids.

  • “I've gone ahead and used other people's children for excuses.” (B, 01:59)
  • Example: Using Tracy’s daughter, Ella, as a reason to decline lunch invitations during the holiday rush.
    • “God, I would love to, but you know, Ella's got a cold and Tracy's got a bug out every day right at like 10 o’clock." (B, 02:23)
  • Another instance involved claiming a pseudo-babysitting obligation to avoid social gatherings during a stressful time.
    • “We told our friends we'd watch their kid for one night because they were gonna go out and have a date night. There was no date night.” (B, 03:09)

• The Ethical Quandary of Excuse Inflation:

  • They joke about the dangers of using excuses too often, including blowing their cover or accidentally getting drafted for real babysitting duties.
    • “Somebody may legitimately have a reason that they can't hang out with you because of their kid. And then once they use it, you will assume they're blowing you off…” (C, 03:55)
    • “You use the kids as an example. All the Time. Go.” (C, 04:13)

3. Listener Call: Reality TV Opportunity

• Live Fan Interaction: Listener Joshua calls in, referencing recent talk of a possible reality show appearance.

  • “You were talking about considering participating in a reality show, and I just was interested in knowing what the outcome of that was.” (B, 04:41)
  • At this point, there’s no definitive update, but the tone of recent communications implies the offer is likely.
    • “I got a couple of texts from her a couple of days ago that indicated…you're gonna get picked. So maybe you should start thinking about it.” (C, 05:02)
  • The decision process is (as usual) a family affair, with jokes about the real authority being the spouse.
    • “Just for the record, your gut and your heart are irrelevant. What does your wife want?” (B, 05:52)

• Unresolved Cliffhanger:

  • “Joshua, I will let you know as soon as they say yes or no to me. And it's a definite. I'll fill you guys in on what comes up next…” (C, 06:06)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Child Excuse Power:
  • “Every infant's middle name should be 'excused.'” (C, 01:18)
• On Excuse Collaboration:
  • “I used Ella as an excuse. Yes.” (B, 03:03)
• On Ethical Dilemmas:
  • “That'll start to play on you though. Cause somebody may legitimately have a reason that they can't hang out with you because of their kid. And then once they use it, you will assume they're blowing you off even though they're not, because I've already taken the excuses.” (C, 03:55)
• On Family Decision-Making Power:
  • “Just for the record, your gut and your heart are irrelevant. What does your wife want?” (B, 05:52)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:00–01:55: The “parent excuse” theory: parenting as a social passport
• 01:59–03:55: Bert confesses to using friends’ kids as excuses; group banter
• 03:55–04:33: The pitfalls of excuse inflation; getting cornered for real babysitting
• 04:38–06:14: Listener Joshua calls in about the reality show opportunity; inside family dynamics on big decisions

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Episode Tone and Style

Authentic, humorous, and playful—typical of The Bert Show. Conversations are spontaneous, packed with self-deprecation, and lightly tease societal conventions about parenting and friendships. The hosts maintain a relatable, confessional air, engaging both with each other and with listeners directly.

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Summary:
Whether you’re a parent milking the ever-useful “kid excuse” or a child-free friend pondering the ethics of borrowing that excuse, this episode is full of laughs, admissions, and a dash of reality TV suspense. The cast keeps it real, reminding listeners that everyone’s just trying to navigate the social calendar—with or without a stroller in tow.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

first show it's no secret that parents who have babies or children you've essentially purchased yourself when you did that deed, when you consummated the relationship and created the child, you also got with that an excuse for 18 years.

[C]

Every infant's middle name should be excused.

[B]

Yes, permanent excuse.

[C]

That's a good one.

[B]

I can't remember what Bert, you once gave a percentage for some reason. I think it was 50%. I asked you years ago, how often when you say you can't do something because of child, how often is it really child related? And I think your number was like 50%.

[C]

Could have been in the beginning with Hayden. Probably 50%. Probably now down to about 20.

[B]

Right? Because they're getting older, it's harder to do that. But in the beginning you could just be tired and go, yeah, kid's not feeling well. That kid's sound asleep. Ben's sound asleep for four hours. Gonna sleep for four more.

[C]

Gotta leave early. The sitter can only stay till 10. Even though the sitter could have been there till 2 in the morning.

[B]

Why not even with a sitter? Didn't you just keep hating in a

[C]

closet in the car?

[B]

Yep. So I Joke about that. So friends of Jessica's and mine have had babies. We have like three or four babies around us right now. And Jessica and I obviously don't have any kids right now. So I've gone ahead and used other people's children for excuses. Like what?

[A]

And how have you done that?

[B]

Well, like when situations come up where people are like, hey, can you. Are you available for lunch? For example, I use this one back in December, before the holidays. You know, it's just. It's just crazy over the holidays. It's busy. You want you doing your last minute Christmas shopping. You got it? Always got. Every day you go to Target for something busy. So when a good friend asks you to lunch, it sounds crappy to say, I can't. I'm just running around, you know what I mean? For like three days in a row. So. So I used Tracy's kid, Ella. What'd you say? God, I would love to, but you know, Ella's got a cold and Tracy's got a bug out every day right at like 10 o'. Clock.

[C]

So you're covering for Tracy, So you're using her.

[B]

So I used Ella as an excuse. Yes.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So I used Ella as an excuse.

[C]

Very nice. Really good.

[B]

And then we had another situation where we had a couple different invites to do different things over the holidays. You know, the Christmas time. And this is when all the, you know, job stuff was going on and I didn't really feel like being around people and telling the story a hundred times and blah, blah, blah. So it was just Jessica and I hanging out with a couple close friends. All these close friends have kids. So when somebody said, hey, what are you guys doing for the holidays? And we would say, oh, we're gonna do this. And we might go up to the, to the lake and just hide out up there, say, well, why don't you leave a day later and do this? I threw out. Well, our friends. We told our friends we'd watch their kid for one night because they were gonna go out and have a date night. There was no date night.

[C]

That'll start to play on you though. Cause somebody may legitimately have a reason that they can't hang out with you because of their kid. And then once they use it, you will assume they're blowing you off even though they're not, because I've already taken the excuses.

[A]

Or do you think these parents are gonna ask you to babysit their kids? Cause they think you're so great with kids, Right?

[C]

You use the kids as an example. All the Time. Go.

[B]

So guess what? Oh, I'm sorry. You want me to come over and watch Hayden? I can. I'm watching Ella Grace. Sorry.

[C]

Well, I mean, two is basically the same as one. So just.

[B]

You know what? You and Jessica just drop Hollis off at Tracy's house, and when I get there, I'll watch them both.

[C]

I would. Tracy with one, two, or three kids. Good morning, Joshua. You're on the Bert show. Hi.

[B]

Hey, Bert.

[C]

Thank you, sir.

[B]

Hey, a couple of weeks back, you were talking about considering participating in a reality show, and I just was interested in knowing what the outcome of that was.

[C]

There is no outcome. There has been no update yet. I am just waiting for the creator to tell me if they want me on the show or not.

[B]

The creator of the TV show. Not God,

[C]

not a capitalized C. Yeah, and I got a couple of texts from her a couple of days ago that indicated that I would have to start making a decision, because the tone of the. Of the texts were just like, you're gonna get picked. So maybe you should start thinking about it. I got a voice. We exchanged voicemail messages yester that sort of make me feel like this is something that I'm gonna have to make a decision on over the next couple of days.

[B]

You're gonna do it?

[C]

I'll be honest with you. Like, you're gonna do it. I want to do it, but I'm really looking at it logically. I. My. My gut says no. My heart says yes, but my gut says don't do it. So once we have the contract in front of us and we can really, you know, sort of connect some of the dots logically and make a decision for the family once they offer it, then we'll do that, and then it'll be like a 24 or 48 hour process.

[B]

Just for the record, your gut and your heart are irrelevant. What does your wife want?

[C]

Stacy was leaning towards doing it.

[B]

You're gonna do it? Yeah.

[A]

Stacy wants to do it.

[C]

I don't know. I really don't know.

[B]

And I gotta watch Ella Grace later.

[C]

Joshua. I will let you know as soon as they say yes or no to me. And it's a definite. I'll fill you guys in on what comes up next, all right? But right now, there's nothing.

[B]

Appreciate it.

[C]

Okay, man.

[B]

Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[B]

Take care, guys. Get it.

[C]

The bird show.