Vault: Our Listeners' Most Awkward, Uninvited Situations

Summary

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The Bert Show

Vault: Our Listeners' Most Awkward, Uninvited Situations

Date: March 18, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode dives headfirst into the theme of "awkward, uninvited situations," focusing primarily on uncomfortable moments where male listeners have experienced involuntary physical reactions—often at the worst possible times. The Bert Show cast, along with several candid callers, share stories and laughs about these moments, aiming to demystify and normalize them. The episode maintains a cheeky, lighthearted tone while also addressing common misunderstandings between men and women regarding these awkward situations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Scene: The "Awkward Dance" Scenario

[01:29-03:53]

• Co-host Bert introduces a real-life scenario involving his hypothetical reaction if his partner Stacy ended up dancing closely with another man, who became visibly aroused.
• Host: "I'm totally cool with that, by the way. I'm totally happy about that. Because I hate dancing." (02:21)
• Discussion quickly pivots to how one would feel: should the guy be annoyed at his partner, the other man, or should he just laugh it off?
• Consensus emerges that fast dancing is fine, but slow dancing would cross a line.
• Host: "If she's slow dancing with him, I'm annoyed at Stacy because fast dancing with any dude in the bar, that's fine. But slow dancing, that's off limits." (03:39)

2. Is It Really Under Anyone's Control?

[03:54-06:59]

• Bert and the team clarify that involuntary male excitement is a biological occurrence and frequently misunderstood by women.
• Host shares a personal story: “It was one of the most inappropriate times ever. She had just gotten off the phone with her mom. She was crying, and I was consoling her.” (06:03)
  • Resulted in a big argument with his girlfriend despite insisting there was nothing sexual occurring: "There is zero, less than zero, we can do about it." (06:33)
• The team stresses it can happen without provocation and at highly inopportune times.
• Co-host Jen: “These are adult male stories... but I think as an adult male for it still to happen may be something that is educational for women.” (06:33)

3. Callers Share Their Most Awkward Moments

[06:59-12:55]

• Multiple callers chime in with personal anecdotes covering a spectrum of cringe-worthy moments:
  • Caller Jake: Compares the experience to menstruation in terms of inevitability and inconvenience.
    • “It just automatically just pops up. You don’t have to look at nothing or nothing at all.” (07:03)
    • “Mine happened...in church. I was up there on the altar talking to the crowd.” (07:33)
  • Caller J: Recalls walking out in gym shorts in front of his in-laws in the morning, which led to visible embarrassment. (08:36-09:09)
  • Caller Jake: Wedding photos incident—posing for a hug with his partner, "Don’t back up." (09:16-09:41)
  • Caller Damon: At a funeral and again at his child’s preschool graduation, awkward timing strikes twice.
    • “Funeral...old girlfriend. We were going through the line and just popped up.” (09:54)
    • “Mine happened at my children preschool graduation.” (10:18)
  • Caller Damon demonstrates resourcefulness, MacGyver-style, in managing the situation:
    • “Tie it up and drop my shirt down.” (11:10)
  • Caller Jake: At the movies with the guys, needs a sneaky belt adjustment as the credits roll. (11:35-12:02)
  • Caller Ray: At Home Depot, accidentally making physical contact with an elderly lady.
    • “My junk kind of landed on her shoulder and she looked back at me like straight porno style.” (12:16)

4. Recurrent Themes and Takeaways

• Repeated emphasis that these situations are often unavoidable, not intentional, and men have little to no control over timing.
• The hosts and callers use humor to defuse embarrassment, with the hosts reminding listeners not to judge or be upset in these situations.
• Co-host Jen: “She wasn't offended, honey. She was like, well, thank God. Still got it.” (12:52)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Host: "There is zero, less than zero, we can do about it." (06:33)
• Caller Jake: "It just automatically just pops up. You don't have to look at nothing or nothing at all." (07:03)
• Host: “If she’s slow dancing with him, I’m annoyed at Stacy; fast dancing is fine.” (03:39)
• Co-host Bert: “Lord have mercy.” (12:29)
• Co-host Jen (about the elderly woman at Home Depot): “Well, thank God. Still got it.” (12:52)
• Caller Damon: “Tie it up and drop my shirt down.” (11:10)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Awkward Dance Scenario: 01:29 – 03:53
• Discussion of Involuntary Reactions: 03:54 – 06:59
• First Caller (Jake, comparison to menstruation): 06:59 – 07:33
• Caller Stories (Church, In-laws, Wedding, Funeral, Graduation, Movies, Home Depot): 07:33 – 12:55

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Tone & Language

The conversation is playful, candid, and peppered with banter. The hosts keep an easygoing atmosphere, encouraging openness and laughter even amid the embarrassing content. There’s an undercurrent of reassurance, especially directed at listeners who may feel mortified by similar experiences.

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Summary

This episode is a rollicking confessional space for men to admit the moments when their bodies betrayed them in public or inappropriate settings. Through laughs, real talk, and shared anecdotes, The Bert Show makes it clear: awkward physical reactions happen, and we might as well all laugh about it. For anyone who’s ever been baffled (or frustrated) by these awkward, uninvited situations, the episode offers understanding, education, and plenty of comic relief.

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Transcript

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[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie do it Gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow $267 million gaming in an epic Global Gaming League video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Listen, it's the vert show.

[Co-host (Bert)]

I was part of a conversation this weekend and I need to get your take Bert on how you would react to this if this situation happened with you and Stacy.

[Host (Vert Show)]

I can tell you already.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Yeah, Flee.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Okay, just apologize.

[Host (Vert Show)]

I don't even know what the situation is. I'm sorry if it comes from fight or flip flesh.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Flee. And this happened.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Run away. Run away.

[Co-host (Bert)]

I'm going to use you and Stacy as the example in this. Cause I wanted to hear your response on how flee how you would handle it. But this is a true story. This really happened to someone and we'll get a ton of phone calls because I'm sure it's happened more than once in the world. But imagine you and Stacy are out one night in an event or a party or something like that. You're hanging out and all is good. And Stacy loves to dance. So she gets up and she dances with a guy who's not you.

[Host (Vert Show)]

I'm totally cool with that, by the way. I'm totally happy about that. Because I hate dancing.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Right. And during the course of the dance, it becomes very obvious that the guy is excited.

[Host (Vert Show)]

This is a slow dance, or is this just the two of them just bumping and grinding? I didn't ask because that would change things. Well, first of all, she wouldn't. She shouldn't be slow dancing with somebody else anyway.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Right. But even if, you know, they're close or whatever, there's a situation where they. Where the guy becomes physically happy to be there with your wife.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Now, is Stacy backing it up? Like, backing that ass up into him and stuff?

[Co-host (Bert)]

I would imagine so.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Just knowing Stacy, I wish the camera been. Can we just say the back then? Yeah, he was. As if we didn't know what that meant. Messing over.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Just for the record, Bert just backed that ass up to the headphone.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Jack, next time at Bitter Ball, since that's our next big party, will you please dance with me at Bitterball? And I want you to do that. Just trying to get all the facts straight.

[Host (Vert Show)]

So we're just trying to get all the facts straight.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Jen's like, shut the hell up.

[Co-host (Bert)]

So that happens. Right?

[Host (Vert Show)]

Okay.

[Co-host (Bert)]

And Stacy comes back and reports to you that that just happened.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Okay.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Are you annoyed at the guy?

[Host (Vert Show)]

Mm.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Are you annoyed at Stacy like she should have left earlier, or do you just laughed it off? Laugh it off?

[Host (Vert Show)]

I'm just saying it depends what the circumstance is. I mean, a. If she's slow dancing with him, I'm annoyed at Stacy because fast dancing with any dude in the bar, that's fine. But slow dancing, that's off limits.

[Co-host (Bert)]

But you're right there. So whatever the dancing taking place, you are obviously okay with.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Okay.

[Co-host (Bert)]

So if it was so he ends

[Host (Vert Show)]

up with a chub about the whole thing, sure.

[Co-host (Jen)]

That's what we're talking about.

[Caller J]

J.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Yes.

[Caller Jake]

Whoa, whoa.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Show you the example.

[Grainger Advertiser]

Go ahead. Show Jen the example.

[Host (Vert Show)]

You gave the chub example.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Jesus.

[Co-host (Bert)]

The.

[Host (Vert Show)]

The. The short of it is that.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Well, the long of it.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Actually, it depends who you're talking about. Guy would be dancing with Stacy, gets excited and places that he shouldn't be getting excited wouldn't have. I would not be mad at either one of them.

[Co-host (Bert)]

It's a what if she reported that she didn't walk away immediately?

[Host (Vert Show)]

I'd be upset at Stacy. Yeah, well, actually, I think I'd be upset at Stacy for reporting it back to me. No goods gonna come out of that.

[Co-host (Bert)]

So you just keep it to yourself.

[Host (Vert Show)]

I think, yeah. I mean, girlfriends, that's fine. I don't want to know about it, though. And I'm not offended by him because I think all guys know that sometimes that can happen. And you have.

[Co-host (Jen)]

No, that's a natural reaction.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Because my first thought was, beat the ass of that guy. But then I thought, why? I don't know. Then I'm like, well, he can't help it. It's not like he did it on purpose.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Well, if he stayed and he tried to make a, you know, and he was making jokes and making her uncomfortable, then that's a reason to confront him. But I mean, if it just. I mean, if it just happened, if it just, you know, came to say hello, then he just.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Can we just take a moment and acknowledge the airtime that clothed male genitalia touching clothed female genitalia has taken on the show over the past week with Dancing the Junk Press?

[Host (Vert Show)]

I don't want to stop it here, too, because I want to continue this, but I want to get into the Academy Awards here in a minute. Also, I want to prove a point to women. If you're a guy, I want to put you on the voice disguiser for this and tell us the most inopportune time that that happened. And the point I'm trying to make here is there are some times where you're not even excited. It just sorta happens. And I have been in a situation before where that happened. And it got me in a huge fight with my girlfriend because it was a. It was one of the most inappropriate times ever. She had just gotten off the phone with her mom. She was crying, and I was consoling her.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Host (Vert Show)]

And as I had my arms around her, I wasn't even. I didn't think. I was, like, getting all excited about it, but as she's crying and she's spilling her guts to me, she noticed it, and it became a big fight. I'm like, there's nothing sexual going on here. There's nothing I can do about it. But I think women need to hear from other guys that this will just happen. And it happens in the most inopportune times, and there is zero, less than zero, we can do about it.

[Co-host (Jen)]

And I just want to say these are adult male stories, because I think girls know that. They've seen the classmates that came to school with their shirts tucked in, and then by the end of the day, the shirts were tucked out, so they know what that means. But I think that as an adult male for it still happen. May be something that is educational for women.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Yes. And again, we cannot help it. Right, Brad?

[Caller Jake]

Right.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Do you want to be on the voice disguise or not?

[Caller Jake]

No, I'm good.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Okay.

[Caller Jake]

I think it's like a guy's period.

[Caller Damon]

It just.

[Caller Jake]

I explained it to my wife the other day. It just automatically just pops up. It don't. You don't have to look at nothing or nothing at all. And you can't stand it. Sometimes it'll be there for 30 minutes, 20 minutes, it just ends.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Sure, it's 20.

[Caller Jake]

It absolutely gets on your nerves.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Sometimes it's just like menstruation, except it only lasts 15 minutes. There's no cramps, there's no discomfort, and it doesn't alter your mood. But other than that, just like being on your period.

[Caller Jake]

Yeah, but mine happened. You're in church.

[Host (Vert Show)]

In church.

[Caller Jake]

I was in front of everybody.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Do explain. What do you mean?

[Caller Jake]

Do what now?

[Host (Vert Show)]

You said you were in church in front of everybody.

[Caller Jake]

Yeah, I was up there on the altar talking, talking to the crowd. Well, nobody, nobody noticed it, but I did.

[Co-host (Jen)]

So when it was about to happen, did you go, oh, no, oh no.

[Caller Jake]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Oh no, oh no, oh no. I can imagine if you're taking something like a Cialis, which I think only. I think it works for like 36 hours or something like that. And the difference between Viagra and Cialis. I'm sorry, I know too much about this, that once you take a Viagra, boom, you're ready to go with Cialis, it's there when you need it. So you can be having a casual conversation, the office or whatever. Right. But as soon as it's time to perform, it happens. So I imagine if you're like on a Cialis or something like that, I mean, for 36 hours, you're a little paranoid. It can happen anytime, anywhere. Hey, David. Good morning. Go ahead.

[Caller J]

Oh, hey. I think my most embarrassing one was my in laws were spending the night and we all know that the morning feeling. And we're just hanging out and got the gym shorts on. That's never good.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Oh, no.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Oh no.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Now, what's your mother in law look like?

[Caller J]

I gotta be honest, she's pretty hot, but she's hot. It was in the morning, so that was my excuse.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Now, where were you when they saw this?

[Caller J]

No, I was at the house and they were out. I got out of my bedroom, they were sitting on the couch watching tv, and I walk out, I'm like, hey, good morning.

[Host (Vert Show)]

And there it was.

[Caller J]

Yeah.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Oh, this one's classic. Hey, Jody. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Hey.

[Caller Jake]

It happened during our wedding photos.

[RealReal Advertiser]

Is it in the pictures?

[Caller Jake]

Yeah.

[RealReal Advertiser]

Oh.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Oh, that's great. Please send us a copy, like just so you can black out the faces.

[Caller Jake]

No, I mean, we're just sitting there. We were kind of like, you know, he made us, like, pose hugging each other and he's like, don't back up. Don't back up.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Oh, really?

[Caller Jake]

Honey, help me.

[Co-host (Bert)]

That's awesome. You know what? That's a testament to you.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Totally. James. Good morning.

[Caller Damon]

Good morning.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller Damon]

All right, great. Yeah. I haven't met yet a funeral.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Funeral?

[Caller Damon]

Yeah, old girlfriend. And we were going through the line and just popped up.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Oh, that is all sorts of creepy.

[Howie Mandel]

Yeah.

[Host (Vert Show)]

You must have scared the hell out of yourself.

[Caller Damon]

Thank you.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Thank you.

[Caller Ray]

He's like, I'm gonna stick a move on that one.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Yeah.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Good morning. Damon will call you. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller Damon]

Okay.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Go ahead.

[Caller Damon]

Mine happened at my children preschool graduation.

[Grainger Advertiser]

Some things are better left unsaid.

[Host (Vert Show)]

You need to be on the double voice disguise.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Yes.

[Caller Damon]

The director of the school had on a very low cut dress, But I had to excuse myself.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Oh, no.

[Caller Damon]

Oh, no, no, no. I have a jacket. I had to excuse myself. What's the delicate way to put this?

[Co-host (Bert)]

No, you didn't.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Take care of yourself.

[Co-host (Bert)]

No, you didn't.

[Caller Damon]

No, I did not. Listen, Secure it to myself.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Oh, you had to tie it down.

[Caller Damon]

Tie it up and drop my shirt down.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Oh, so you took the belt to secure it closer to his stomach.

[Caller Jake]

Yeah.

[Host (Vert Show)]

And then put the shirt over the whole deal.

[Co-host (Jen)]

All right, MacGyver, good job.

[Caller Jake]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Lord have mercy.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Jake. Good morning.

[Caller Jake]

Good morning.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Hi.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Hi.

[Caller Jake]

Well, I'm at the movies watching an action movie, and you know when you're kind of falling asleep and you're kind of fighting it and then, you know, he kind of. He reacts. Yeah, well, you know, it kind of. The movie's over. You know, I got to kind of reach down and act like I'm scratching my stomach to flip it up under the belt. Oops.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Were you with a whole bunch of your guy friends?

[Caller Jake]

Yes, I was.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Action movie with your guy friends.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Please take line one.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Oh, yeah. Good morning, Ray. You were on Q100. Hi.

[Caller Ray]

Hey, how's it going there, y'?

[Caller Jake]

All?

[Caller Ray]

A while back, I was up at Home Depot helping this older lady get something from a. Get something from a shelf. And I got on the ladder and got whatever she needed. And on the way down, I didn't realize where she was. And when I turned to step off the ladder, my junk kind of landed on her shoulder and she looked back at me like straight porno style. And then it was just ridiculous. It was a great. It was an awkward, awkward pause.

[Host (Vert Show)]

You think?

[Caller Ray]

Yeah.

[Co-host (Bert)]

Really?

[Co-host (Jen)]

How old was she?

[Caller Ray]

She had to been like 70.

[Co-host (Jen)]

Oh, she loved it.

[Host (Vert Show)]

She was loving it.

[Co-host (Bert)]

She told all her friends during bunker she loved it.

[Co-host (Jen)]

She wasn't offended, honey. She was like, well, thank God. Still got it.

[Host (Vert Show)]

The point I'm telling still got can happen to guys anywhere. So don't get upset with your guys when it just happens in the most inappropriate time.

[Co-host (Jen)]

That's funny.

[Host (Vert Show)]

Listen, it's the Vert show.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my Howie do it gaming team take on Gilly the King and Wallow $267 million gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.

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[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my how we do it gaming team take on Gilly The King Wallow 267's million dollars gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multiplatinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right now at globalgamingleague.

[Caller Damon]

Com.

[Howie Mandel]

That's globalgamingleague. Com. Everybody games.