Vault: Over 30? It's Time to Leave These Things Behind

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: Over 30? It's Time to Leave These Things Behind"

Date: March 30, 2026
Episode Theme:
A humorous and relatable roundtable where The Bert Show cast and listeners riff on the unofficial "rules" for men over 30—habits, behaviors, and style choices that might need retiring as adulthood advances. Pulling inspiration from a "How I Met Your Mother" TV clip and an Esquire magazine article, they build a crowd-sourced, lighthearted checklist for proper adulting after the big 3-0.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Inspiration for the Discussion

• TV Show Prompt:
  Burt kicks off by referencing a memorable "How I Met Your Mother" scene about the things people over 30 shouldn't do, setting a comedic, reflective tone for the episode.

  "This was circulating around the Internet... things after 30 you just can't do." – Burt (00:58)

• Esquire's Rules:
  Esquire magazine's list of "59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30" serves as a backbone for the conversation, with the group debating and riffing off individual items.

  "I'll read some of these from Esquire magazine, because a while ago they put together 59 things a man should never do past 30." – Burt (03:02)

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2. Behavioral Red Flags: The Can'ts After 30

• Classic College/Young Adult Moves To Leave Behind:

  • Pulling all-nighters

  • Eating an entire pizza in one sitting

  • Hanging unframed posters or using thumbtacks for "artwork"

  • Crashing on or owning a futon

  • Doing laundry at a parent's house

  • Coining your own nickname

  • Using a Velcro wallet (recurring joke throughout the episode)

  • Owning or naming a bong, especially big or homemade ones

    "You shouldn't have a name for your bong either. After 30 in college." – Burt (03:43)

  • Playing beer pong (beer bonging likewise is out)

    "Beer pong after 30 has gotta go away. It's a sad day." – Burt (04:18)

• Holding Onto The Past:

  • Wearing old concert shirts or Greek letter shirts

    "I think they should give those up." – Heather (04:49)
    "You're proud that you were in SAE back in the day, but it doesn't mean anything when you're 30." – Burt (05:06)

  • Keeping old gym shorts

    "Guys for some reason will hang on to those gym shorts." – Jen (05:07)

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3. Style Sins and Fashion Faux Pas

• The Panel Agrees:

  • No more Velcro sneakers or wallets

    "Anything Velcro, I think out the window, right?" – Burt (07:01)

  • Sideways baseball hats, skateboard lingo, or frequenting skate parks (unless with your kids)

    "Guys over 30 should not wear a baseball hat sideways or talk about skating skateboard tricks." – Heather (07:34)

  • Overly baggy jeans, excessively low "pull down" pants

    "If you're over 30, like, you can't overdo the baggie." – Unknown (09:36)

  • Biker shorts, unless exceptionally fit

    "Lose the biker shorts." – Heather (09:33)

  • Sunglasses on the back of the head or neck

    "Nobody should do that." – Jen (10:47)

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4. Social Moves That Should Be Retired

• Outdated Party/Game Rituals:

  • Name your privates (especially adding "junior")

    "You should not name your unit... it says his name plus Junior. So, like, little Jeff. Jeff Jr." – Burt (07:53) "That's why I just stick with thunder. Stick." – Jen (08:10)

  • Shouting "Are you ready to rock?" outside of concerts

  • House meetings with roommates

  • Flashing or inventing gang signs for photos

    "How about making up your own gang with your own gang signs? Seriously?" – Jen (08:33)

  • Choosing "69" as your jersey number, or even wearing jerseys casually

    "That is an instant showstopper if you're with a woman. Come on. Yeah." – Burt (09:19)

  • Holding a lighter up at a concert ("It's all cell phones now")

  • Hacky sack at the park

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5. Sports, Recovery, and "Trying Too Hard"

• Competitive Spirit Gone Awry:

  • Taking adult rec leagues too seriously (full uniforms, practices, trunk full of gear from "the glory days")

    "If you're not physically active, playing sports like you're in the high school championship is not a good idea." – Heather (05:33)

• Softball, kickball, or dodgeball obsessions:

  • The cast jokes about needing to abstain from sex for a dodgeball championship as taking things way too far.

    "No sex this week. I've got a dodgeball championship on Saturday, and I need to be focused." – Burt (05:47)

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6. Healthy Debate, Exceptions & Guilty Pleasures

• Some Rules Are Meant to be Broken:

  • Oreos eaten in stages: OK, even after 30, as long as it's "in private."

    "I don't think it applies. If you can do it in private, then I think you're okay." – Jen (10:04)

  • Taking the day off for a concert: If you're over 30, maybe just take the day after, not the day of.

    "No, the thing is, over 30, you're gonna... it's harder to recover. So, okay, you take the day after than you do." – Unknown Female Speaker (11:12)

  • Party buses: Reserved for special circumstances, e.g., bachelor parties

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Outgrowing the Beer Bong:
  "Beer pong after 30 has gotta go away. It's a sad day."
  – Burt (04:18)

• On Fashion Missteps:
  "Guys over 30 should not wear a baseball hat sideways or talk about skating skateboard tricks."
  – Heather (07:34)

• On Name-Brand Wallets:
  "Carrying an Ocean Pacific wallet at 40."
  – Jen (07:25)

• On Jersey Numbers:
  "If a guy has a jersey with the number 69 on it, you're not getting that."
  – Heather (09:29)

• On Nostalgic Sports Gear:
  "These are ones I've had since little League. I just can't let them go."
  – Burt (06:46)

• On Oreo Cookies:
  "Eat Oreo cookies in stages... Oh, you never have to let that go. If you do it, that's okay."
  – Unknown Female (10:00)

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Engaging Listeners: Audience Interaction

The show actively fields calls from listeners, who contribute more questionable post-30 behavior and add personal stories or opinions, making the list more vivid and crowd-sourced.

• Examples:
  • Giving up college swag and gym shorts (Heather, 04:49)
  • Playing high school-level sports without the fitness to back it up (Heather, 05:33)
  • Ditching sideways caps and skateboard talk (Heather, 07:34)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:58: Episode premise, inspired by "How I Met Your Mother"
• 03:02: Introduction of Esquire's "59 Things..." list
• 03:49–04:23: Debating the fate of beer pong, beer bongs, and bong-naming after 30
• 04:49: Listeners call in—college shirts, gym shorts, Greek letters
• 05:33–06:26: Taking rec sports way too seriously as an adult
• 06:53: Fashions that need to be retired—Velcro shoes, wallets
• 07:34: No more sideways hats or skateboard tricks
• 08:10: Naming one's privates—hard pass
• 08:22: Gang signs in photos and the absurdity of made-up gangs
• 09:10: The infamous number 69 jersey and the lost art of jersey-wearing
• 10:00: Oreos and private guilty pleasures

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Closing Vibe

The episode is a lively and affectionate roast of the trappings of extended adolescence among men, especially as seen through the lens of 30-somethings. It's packed with jokes, a willingness to self-deprecate, and moments of genuine nostalgia—reminding listeners to take growing up with a dose of humor and not TOO much seriousness.

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Transcript

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[Burt]

You're on the Burt Show. I'm not a big watcher of How I Met yout Mother, but this was circulating around the Internet a couple of days ago, and this is a scene from that TV show, and it came up of about things after 30 you just can't do. And it's a conversation within the show that's based over about five minutes. So it's a little choppy to listen to on the radio, but I think you'll get the gist of what we're looking for here.

[Unknown Male Speaker]

Berta list is something that came into being around the time I turned 30. When we were in our early 20s, every time we had a party, that beer bong came out. And around the time we turned 30, same thing. Of course, in our early 20s, the next day would go like this, but by the time we were 30, the next day would go like this. Then one day I realized there was only one person in the world that I could relate to. Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny glover in the 80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon, known for his oft quoted catchphrase. I'm too old for this stuff. He said, I'm too old for this stuff.

[Jen]

It's sad to admit, but as you get older, there's just certain things you can't do anymore.

[Bubba Wallace]

That's why I have this list. So I never make the mistake of

[Jen]

thinking that I can still pull an all nighter or eat an entire pizza

[Bubba Wallace]

in one sitting or hang posters on your wall without frames.

[Jen]

Riggs. I'm too old for that stuff.

[Burt]

All right, so they're starting To. They're starting to put a list together right there. You can't pull an all nighter after 30 anymore. Also on the list that we didn't get to at least on the show, was get ear pierced. If you're a guy after 30, shouldn't do that. Crash on a friend's futon.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Or own a futon.

[Burt]

Or own a futon. I don't even know where you'd go to get one. Do laundry at your mom's house. Oh, my God.

[Jen]

Where was the. Was this from the TV show? Or has this come up somewhere else about the unframed posters on the wall?

[Burt]

That was right on the.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

That was just on the clip.

[Burt]

On the clip.

[Jen]

That one's like no thumbtacks to put up artwork.

[Burt]

So we'll put the list together. And this is really for guys. Like, if you're doing this after 30, maybe it's time to just reevaluate. And I'll read some of these from Esquire magazine because a while ago they put together 59 things a man should never do past 30. And there are some good ones on here also. Like. Like coin your own nickname.

[Jen]

Can't do that at any age.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

At any age. Yeah.

[Jen]

That's not over 30, Skipper.

[Burt]

Use a wallet that's fastened with Velcro.

[Jen]

That's true.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

What about own a bong? Isn't that such a good vibe? I really have an opinion on that one, Jen.

[Burt]

The room goes silent for a reason.

[Jen]

Seriously, how about, like, own a bong bigger than your arm?

[Unknown Female Speaker]

How about just own a bong?

[Burt]

How about. Seriously, you shouldn't have a name for your bong either. After 30 in college.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

The eliminator beakers or PVC pipes or there's some people.

[Burt]

You should get yourself a professional one if you're gonna have one.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

You've got the money. Now go get a really nice fancy arty glass one from a festival.

[Jen]

Isabelle, Some people in this room have a lot of disclaimers on that one.

[Burt]

Isabelle, give us a little hint here. If a guy over 30 years old is doing this, he could pretty much put himself on the not getting any list.

[Heather]

He cannot take you to hang out with his friends while they're all playing beer pong after 30.

[Burt]

Beer pong after 30 has gotta go away. It's a sad day.

[VRBO Announcer]

I think there's an exception if you're.

[Burt]

No.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Okay. What about golden tea?

[Burt]

No, I think that's main

[Jen]

thing. Golden tea is where beer.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

It's like the replacement for beer pong.

[Burt]

Yeah, Beer pongers sticking with the beer pong and sticking with the bong. Beer bonging after 30 is on this list.

[Jen]

What is that?

[Burt]

Oh, like funneling.

[Jen]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

No.

[Burt]

Good morning, Heather. You are on Q100.

[Heather]

Good morning. I don't think guys over 30 should hang on to the old concert shirts. I think they should give those up.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Or Greek letter shirts.

[Burt]

Yes, at some point you do have to let those.

[Jen]

Now if they go to the concert though, like on Tuesday night.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

You're proud that you were in SAE back in the day, but it doesn't

[Burt]

mean anything when you're 30.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

I would much rather see a guy in a concert shirt than that. Or their old gym shorts. If they decide that for some reason. Because guys for some reason will hang on to those gym shorts.

[Burt]

The one where one of those things is going to escape and you're not

[Unknown Female Speaker]

going to know it. Yeah.

[VRBO Announcer]

It's going to be a little breezy.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Yeah. I don't know why you hold on to those.

[Burt]

Good morning, Q100. Hey, Martha.

[Heather]

Hey, good morning. How are you guys?

[Burt]

Good things that guys over 30 just can't pull off anymore.

[Heather]

Okay. If you're not physically active, playing sports like you're in the high school championship is not a good idea.

[Burt]

We talked about this guy. The softballers that are taking it way too hardcore. Agree.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Kickballers.

[Jen]

Come on.

[Burt]

Dodgeball. No sex this week. I've got a dodgeball championship on Saturday and I need to be focused.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

If you are holding practices for your

[Burt]

kickball tournament, just go to the bar. You're just holding the focus so you can get.

[Jen]

How about this? And we'll, we'll put the. The exception will be on anyone who's getting paid for it. But like wear full uniforms to participate in a sporting event.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Yeah.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Jen]

Like if you're in a recreational fast pitch softball league and you're wearing the spikes, the pants, the cup, the shirt and the hat.

[Burt]

The little stirrups. Yeah. And you've got your batting glove, right?

[Jen]

Your lucky glove.

[Burt]

Your lucky batting glove there. Yeah, that's another.

[Jen]

How about have a trunk? Unless you're coaching your kids having a trunk with a bat bag in it.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Well, a trunk full of all exercise equipment.

[Jen]

Like you open it up and there's

[Burt]

like, I do have a bat bag. I'm guilty of that.

[Jen]

How many bats do you have in it?

[Burt]

Like four. And I justify it because I think, oh well, there's gonna be some people that show up to the field that

[Jen]

don't have a bat.

[Burt]

But these are ones I've had since little League. I just can't let them go.

[Jen]

There's one Wiffle bat in there.

[Burt]

Hey, Judy. Good morning.

[Heather]

One thing that guys should not do after 30 is wear Velcro fastener tennis shoes.

[Jen]

And by 30, do you mean 5?

[Burt]

Anything? Velcro, I think out the window, Right? We're building a reoccurring theme here.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

No Velcro wallet.

[Jen]

If you're old enough to go to a bar and you're like, hey, I got this round. Like, excuse me. What was that? Yeah, let me seal it back up. Good. Now nobody can get into it.

[Burt]

It says lightning bolt or op on

[Jen]

carrying an Ocean Pacific wallet at 40.

[Burt]

Good morning, Amanda. Things a guy over 30 just shouldn't be able to pull off anymore.

[Heather]

Guys over 30 should not wear a baseball hat sideways or talk about skating skateboard tricks.

[Jen]

Yeah, fair enough.

[Burt]

You can't go to a skateboard park

[Unknown Female Speaker]

after 30 unless you're there. Unless you're dropping off your kids as

[Jen]

you're waiting for your kid to finish

[Burt]

a stunt on the esquire list. Over 30, no hacky sack. You should not name your unit. And at all. At all. But it says his name plus Junior. So, like little Jeff. Jeff Jr.

[Jen]

That's why. That's why I just stick with thunder. Stick.

[Burt]

Shout out a response to. Are you ready to rock?

[Jen]

Unless you're at a concert. That's fair.

[Burt]

Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos. Any photo?

[Jen]

No. Nobody gets them. Right. How about making up your own gang with your own gang signs? Seriously?

[Unknown Female Speaker]

You know somebody's made up a gang?

[Jen]

Yes.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Over 30?

[Jen]

Yes. I can show you pictures of them.

[Burt]

Seriously, what's your gang sign?

[Jen]

They live on your favorite. It's like.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

You're kidding.

[Jen]

Swear to God. It's this.

[Burt]

It's like your A. Okay, type deal.

[Jen]

It's. I'll find pictures, but it's.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

What's it supposed to spell?

[Jen]

I don't think it spells anything. I think. I think they just all agreed to do it in a picture once, and now they all do it all the time. And I might be doing it wrong, but they would live on Wendy and Bert's favorite website.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah. Hot chicks with boosh tags.

[Jen]

Yep.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Love that.

[Burt]

Also on the Esquire list, choose the number 69 as his jersey number. I mean, come on, guys.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

That's so funny. That's funny.

[Burt]

That is an instant showstopper if you're with a woman. Come on. Yeah.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

You shouldn't even be wearing a jersey.

[Jen]

Whoever's on the Phone.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

You agree with all these?

[Heather]

Yes.

[Burt]

If a guy has a jersey with the number 69 on it, you're not getting that.

[Heather]

Also, if you're over 30, you're not in shape. Lose the biker shorts.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

The biker shorts, Biker shorts. They are just never sexy at all. They're never flattering on anybody. I would say also the over baggy jeans. If you're over 30, like, you can't overdo the baggie.

[Jen]

Are the pull down ones that are, like, down to, like, 2 inches below your waist.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Here's one on the Esquire list that I don't agree with. I think you're at any age, this is still okay. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Oh, you never have to let that go. If you do it, that's okay.

[Jen]

I don't think it applies. If you can do it in private, then I think you're okay. Like an Oreo cookie. Now if you're out, if you're over at, you know, first date and you go over to a girl's house and you're waiting in the kitchen while she goes and freshens up and she comes in and you're trying to make a triple deckle dribble stuff, then I wouldn't

[Burt]

blame her for judging you on the Esquire list. Publicly greet friends by shouting, what's up, you whore? Hold his lighter up at a concert.

[Jen]

Nobody does that anymore. It's all cell phones.

[Burt]

Where Converse all stars with a tuxedo organize a party bus now.

[Jen]

That's okay. Bachelor party or something like that. That's cool. What about dudes who, when they go indoors or whatever, they just put their sunglasses on the back of their head.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Hate that. Don't ever do that.

[Jen]

Nobody should do that.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Or the back of your neck also. Whatever, dude. Seriously.

[Jen]

How about take the day off of work for a concert? Jimmy Buffett's here tonight. I'm taking the day off.

[Burt]

I don't know that I can agree with that one.

[Jen]

No, I don't know that I can agree with.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

Some things that you should be able to do, they're still fun.

[Jen]

I think there's a line. I think before 30, you take the day of the concert after and you're hungover the day afterwards.

[Unknown Female Speaker]

No, the thing is, over 30, you're gonna. It's harder to recover. So, okay, you take the day after than you do.

[Jen]

But I'm talking about the day of the show. Hey, Jimmy Buffett's here. I'm taking the day off. Tailgating at noon. What's up, parenthood?

[Burt]

You're on the Birch Show.

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