The Bert Show: Vault - Pain Poker

Episode Date: November 3, 2025
Main Cast: Bird, Jen Hobby, Melissa, with callers

Episode Overview

In this classic, cringe-filled episode, The Bert Show crew launches a game of "Pain Poker," inviting listeners and one another to share the most physically painful stories they’ve ever experienced. The goal is simple: whose pain tale will make the hosts and listeners cringe the hardest? The segment is filled with hilariously horrified reactions, outrageous (and sometimes graphic) stories, and a heavy dose of comedic camaraderie as hosts and audience try to outdo each other with tales of bodily woe.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Stage: How Much Pain Can You Take?

• Hosts setting up the game:
  • Jen proposes “Pain Poker” reminiscent of their infamous “bucket of ice challenge,” but instead, this time the battlefield is personal misery stories.
    • “I think we need to do this like that stupid bucket of ice crap you brought in here, where we tried to see who had the most pain tolerance.” – Jen Hobby (01:44)
  • Nervous laughter as everyone starts instinctively protecting body parts just hearing the premise.
  • Bird warns: "In 10 seconds there's going to be complete silence in the studio after this." (02:33)

Cringe Calls Begin: Listener Stories

• 1. Clamped Nipple in Filing Cabinet

  • Donna calls in with a vivid story about closing her nipple in a filing cabinet at work, thanks to an accidental door opening by a coworker.
    • “I closed my nipple up in a filing floor.” – Donna (02:52)
  • Jen can’t help but ask: “Why was your nipple in the filing cabinet?” (03:06)
  • Bird commiserates as a guy: “Every guy...has done this at one point or another, is when you’re going number one and...you zip up your talent.” (03:27)
  • Jen adds a personal grooming misadventure: "With the skin being looser, it was easier for it to fall into the grill." (03:47)

• 2. Meat Slicer Mayhem

  • Caller recounts losing half a finger at Ryan’s Family Steakhouse while cutting meat (04:46-06:41).
    • "I have cut my finger off at work...gone."
  • The entire studio audibly cringes, Bird probing for graphic details, Jen pleading to stop:
    • “Why are you asking more questions?” – Caller (06:31)
  • Bird references a survey: most painful injury? "Having a finger cut off!" (06:46)

• 3. Natural Childbirth Champions

  • Anna shares that her mother had nine kids, seven done “natural” (no anesthesia), to which Bird responds in awe:
    • “Damn, that’s amazing...some women wear that as a badge of honor.” (07:10)
  • Jen considers whether childbirth should be tried “the natural way” at least once.

• 4. Go-Kart Catastrophe

  • Caller recounts her son’s disastrous go-kart ride where “he literally ripped himself a new butthole” requiring eight stitches (07:53-08:32).
    • “Let’s just say for the next few weeks, he ate a lot of stool softeners.” – Caller (08:19)
  • The studio is both horrified and cackling at the phrase “ripped himself a new butthole.”

• 5. Tongue-Biting Trauma

  • Brianne tells of running, falling, and biting her tongue off (09:14-09:24).
    • “I bit my tongue off.” – Brianne (09:14)
  • Jen, Bird, and the studio finally break: “I can’t take anymore.” – Jen (09:28), Bird echoes (09:31)

• 6. Razor Mishaps – The Finale

  • Michelle wraps it up, detailing how she shaved off the side of her nipple while in the shower (10:01-10:20).
    • “I turned and I shaved the side of my nipple. Sliced the side of my nipple off.” – Michelle (10:12)
  • Jen asks, “Did you catch it before it went down the drain?” (10:20)
  • Bird and Jen recall a past even-more-horrifying call about someone accidentally snipping off “the little man in the boat” (10:28).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bird (on hearing Donna's story):
  • "Wait, give us that one more time." (02:57)
• Jen Hobby:
  • "Why was your nipple in the filing cabinet?" (03:06)
• Bird:
  • "With the skin being looser, it was easier for it to fall into the grill." (03:47)
• Jen Hobby (on the finger story):
  • “No one likes this.” (06:33)
• Caller (go-kart incident):
  • “He literally ripped his booty.” (08:12)
• Jen Hobby:
  • “If someday somebody said...you’ll get a phone call and the woman goes ‘my son ripped himself a new butthole’...Welcome to The Bert Show.” (08:32)
• Brianne (final straw call):
  • “I bit my tongue off.” (09:14)
• The Cast, repeatedly:
  • “I can’t take anymore!” (09:24-09:33)
• Bird (on seeing the others cringe):
  • "Seeing the three of you in as much pain as you're in right now made it worth coming in this morning." (09:40)
• Jen Hobby (final insult):
  • “You’re a sick, sick man. Look at you. Look at yourself.” (09:44)
• Michelle (razor incident):
  • “I turned and I shaved the side of my nipple. Sliced the side of my nipple off.” (10:12)
• Callback moment:
  • Bird: “Remember the woman that called us...and said she accidentally snipped off the little man in the boat?” (10:28)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:08] – Segment begins: hosts explain “Pain Poker.”
• [02:52] – Donna’s nipple vs. filing cabinet story.
• [04:46] – Finger cut off at work story.
• [06:46] – Survey: most painful thing? Finger cut-off.
• [07:06] – Anna: Nine kids, seven natural childbirths.
• [07:53] – Go-kart “ripped a new butthole” incident.
• [09:14] – Brianne: "I bit my tongue off."
• [09:31] – Hosts admit defeat; can’t take any more horror stories.
• [10:01] – Michelle: Razor + nipple disaster (last cringe call).
• [10:28] – Callback to “little man in the boat” story from show history.

Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is a raucous, cringeworthy, surprisingly heartfelt tour through the most excruciating accidents and mishaps, delivered in The Bert Show’s signature blend of authenticity, irreverence, and belly laughter. While the stories are shockingly graphic at times, the hosts’ reactions—hands clapped to bodies, laughter through pained gasps, camaraderie in misery—make for a uniquely cathartic, highly entertaining listen.

If you ever wondered what the most painful thing you can imagine sounds like—and what stories make morning radio hosts drop their headphones and give up—this “Pain Poker” segment might just be it.