Vault: Pain Poker

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault - Pain Poker

Episode Date: November 3, 2025
Main Cast: Bird, Jen Hobby, Melissa, with callers

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Episode Overview

In this classic, cringe-filled episode, The Bert Show crew launches a game of "Pain Poker," inviting listeners and one another to share the most physically painful stories they’ve ever experienced. The goal is simple: whose pain tale will make the hosts and listeners cringe the hardest? The segment is filled with hilariously horrified reactions, outrageous (and sometimes graphic) stories, and a heavy dose of comedic camaraderie as hosts and audience try to outdo each other with tales of bodily woe.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Stage: How Much Pain Can You Take?

• Hosts setting up the game:
  • Jen proposes “Pain Poker” reminiscent of their infamous “bucket of ice challenge,” but instead, this time the battlefield is personal misery stories.
    • “I think we need to do this like that stupid bucket of ice crap you brought in here, where we tried to see who had the most pain tolerance.” – Jen Hobby (01:44)
  • Nervous laughter as everyone starts instinctively protecting body parts just hearing the premise.
  • Bird warns: "In 10 seconds there's going to be complete silence in the studio after this." (02:33)

Cringe Calls Begin: Listener Stories

• 1. Clamped Nipple in Filing Cabinet

  • Donna calls in with a vivid story about closing her nipple in a filing cabinet at work, thanks to an accidental door opening by a coworker.
    • “I closed my nipple up in a filing floor.” – Donna (02:52)
  • Jen can’t help but ask: “Why was your nipple in the filing cabinet?” (03:06)
  • Bird commiserates as a guy: “Every guy...has done this at one point or another, is when you’re going number one and...you zip up your talent.” (03:27)
  • Jen adds a personal grooming misadventure: "With the skin being looser, it was easier for it to fall into the grill." (03:47)

• 2. Meat Slicer Mayhem

  • Caller recounts losing half a finger at Ryan’s Family Steakhouse while cutting meat (04:46-06:41).
    • "I have cut my finger off at work...gone."
  • The entire studio audibly cringes, Bird probing for graphic details, Jen pleading to stop:
    • “Why are you asking more questions?” – Caller (06:31)
  • Bird references a survey: most painful injury? "Having a finger cut off!" (06:46)

• 3. Natural Childbirth Champions

  • Anna shares that her mother had nine kids, seven done “natural” (no anesthesia), to which Bird responds in awe:
    • “Damn, that’s amazing...some women wear that as a badge of honor.” (07:10)
  • Jen considers whether childbirth should be tried “the natural way” at least once.

• 4. Go-Kart Catastrophe

  • Caller recounts her son’s disastrous go-kart ride where “he literally ripped himself a new butthole” requiring eight stitches (07:53-08:32).
    • “Let’s just say for the next few weeks, he ate a lot of stool softeners.” – Caller (08:19)
  • The studio is both horrified and cackling at the phrase “ripped himself a new butthole.”

• 5. Tongue-Biting Trauma

  • Brianne tells of running, falling, and biting her tongue off (09:14-09:24).
    • “I bit my tongue off.” – Brianne (09:14)
  • Jen, Bird, and the studio finally break: “I can’t take anymore.” – Jen (09:28), Bird echoes (09:31)

• 6. Razor Mishaps – The Finale

  • Michelle wraps it up, detailing how she shaved off the side of her nipple while in the shower (10:01-10:20).
    • “I turned and I shaved the side of my nipple. Sliced the side of my nipple off.” – Michelle (10:12)
  • Jen asks, “Did you catch it before it went down the drain?” (10:20)
  • Bird and Jen recall a past even-more-horrifying call about someone accidentally snipping off “the little man in the boat” (10:28).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bird (on hearing Donna's story):
  • "Wait, give us that one more time." (02:57)
• Jen Hobby:
  • "Why was your nipple in the filing cabinet?" (03:06)
• Bird:
  • "With the skin being looser, it was easier for it to fall into the grill." (03:47)
• Jen Hobby (on the finger story):
  • “No one likes this.” (06:33)
• Caller (go-kart incident):
  • “He literally ripped his booty.” (08:12)
• Jen Hobby:
  • “If someday somebody said...you’ll get a phone call and the woman goes ‘my son ripped himself a new butthole’...Welcome to The Bert Show.” (08:32)
• Brianne (final straw call):
  • “I bit my tongue off.” (09:14)
• The Cast, repeatedly:
  • “I can’t take anymore!” (09:24-09:33)
• Bird (on seeing the others cringe):
  • "Seeing the three of you in as much pain as you're in right now made it worth coming in this morning." (09:40)
• Jen Hobby (final insult):
  • “You’re a sick, sick man. Look at you. Look at yourself.” (09:44)
• Michelle (razor incident):
  • “I turned and I shaved the side of my nipple. Sliced the side of my nipple off.” (10:12)
• Callback moment:
  • Bird: “Remember the woman that called us...and said she accidentally snipped off the little man in the boat?” (10:28)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:08] – Segment begins: hosts explain “Pain Poker.”
• [02:52] – Donna’s nipple vs. filing cabinet story.
• [04:46] – Finger cut off at work story.
• [06:46] – Survey: most painful thing? Finger cut-off.
• [07:06] – Anna: Nine kids, seven natural childbirths.
• [07:53] – Go-kart “ripped a new butthole” incident.
• [09:14] – Brianne: "I bit my tongue off."
• [09:31] – Hosts admit defeat; can’t take any more horror stories.
• [10:01] – Michelle: Razor + nipple disaster (last cringe call).
• [10:28] – Callback to “little man in the boat” story from show history.

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

The episode is a raucous, cringeworthy, surprisingly heartfelt tour through the most excruciating accidents and mishaps, delivered in The Bert Show’s signature blend of authenticity, irreverence, and belly laughter. While the stories are shockingly graphic at times, the hosts’ reactions—hands clapped to bodies, laughter through pained gasps, camaraderie in misery—make for a uniquely cathartic, highly entertaining listen.

If you ever wondered what the most painful thing you can imagine sounds like—and what stories make morning radio hosts drop their headphones and give up—this “Pain Poker” segment might just be it.

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Transcript

[Bird]

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[Caller]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Bird]

The bird show.

[Jen Hobby]

Okay, this is right on the chest.

[Bird]

They're doing this. Oh, God. They're doing two strips at once.

[Caller]

One, two, three.

[Bird]

Ah, God. All the hits. Q100. And the Birch. Okay, that sounded painful, but if you were listening to that going, that doesn't even scratch the surface of pain. We're looking to play pain poker here. It's the most painful thing that has ever happened to you. And judging from these phone calls, we will all be cringing in less than five seconds. All right, are we putting a statue of limitations, a window on this? Like, five minutes, and then we're out.

[Jen Hobby]

You know what I think we need to do? Is we do this similar to that stupid bucket of ice crap that you brought in here where we tried to see who had the most pain tolerance. Look at Melissa's face already.

[Commercial Announcer]

I know.

[Jen Hobby]

We haven't even heard the stories yet. Here's the deal.

[Caller]

I feel like a bit into a lemon or something.

[Bird]

Wait till you hear this. Vers. Melissa's. You were gonna run out of the studio.

[Jen Hobby]

Well, here's what I think we do, because we all have different tolerances and we're all holding body parts. Like, for some reason, Jen Hobby is convinced her breasts are gonna be affected. So she's like, hey, biceps. She's, like, protecting them.

[Bird]

And then Melissa has her hand on my buttocks right now protecting them.

[Jen Hobby]

And like, my shoulders are up, you know, so whatever. But. So here's what I think we do, is we take the calls, and then whenever one sends us over the edge, we just. We're out. We drop, like, falls. Our headphones come off.

[Bird]

I'll tell you why you can't do that. Because in 10 seconds, there's going to be complete silence in the studio after this.

[Jen Hobby]

Then that's. Then that's the winner.

[Bird]

Good morning. Hold on one sec. No, I got to start with Donna. I got to start with Donna. This may be over in 30 seconds. Go ahead, Donna.

[Caller]

I closed my nipple up in a filing floor.

[Bird]

Wait, give us that one more time.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, Melissa, you do that for fun.

[Caller]

I closed my nipple up in a filing cap drawer. Oh.

[Jen Hobby]

Why was your nipple in the filing cabinet?

[Caller]

Well, it wasn't in the filing cabinet. I was at the filing cabinet, and someone came to the copier to make a copy and open the door. And when they did, I went into the cabinet, and I have very large breasts, and they're natural. And it closed in that cabinet, and there was nothing I could do but, like, cringe for, like, a second. And then I was like, get the dude out there.

[Bird]

I guess the only equivalent to that for a guy, and every guy has done this at one point or another, is when you're going number one and. And you zip up your talent.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, I've never done that.

[Bird]

You've never done that?

[Jen Hobby]

Never done that? I did. See, I don't even want to. I think this is just mean. I don't even want to say it out loud.

[Bird]

I've done it a couple of different times, actually.

[Jen Hobby]

What you do. When I reached a level of maturity where I realized that good personal grooming was not only from the neck up, but there are other spots in the body. I used the same, you know, trimmer that you would use, like, on a goatee. On that goatee. But for some reason, with. This is just not right. With the skin being looser, it was easier for it to fall into the grill.

[Caller]

Ow.

[Jen Hobby]

Ow, Ow.

[Bird]

Got it. Got it.

[Caller]

I don't know why we have to collect, like, seals. Ow.

[Bird]

Got it.

[Jen Hobby]

Ow.

[Bird]

Good morning. You were on the bird show. All the hits. Q100. Hi. Hello.

[Caller]

Hello.

[Bird]

Hello. It's you. Good morning. Good morning.

[Caller]

I have cut my finger off at work.

[Bird]

You are kidding me.

[Jen Hobby]

Sounds like you said it happened just a few minutes ago. Oh, boy.

[Caller]

Actually, it happened about a year ago.

[Bird]

Where were you working?

[Caller]

I worked at Ryan's Family Steakhouse. I was the meat cutter. Oh, my God.

[Bird]

Oh, no, man.

[Jen Hobby]

True.

[Bird]

Oh, no, no.

[Jen Hobby]

This is a true story. But Jen Hobby was there, so she can attest to this. At Crash's wedding just two weeks ago, we were going through your standard issue wedding food. You know, like, they have the little chicken stuffed, whatever, buffet of food, vegetables. And at the end is the carving station. And so we go through the little buffet line, and it's Jessica and Jen Hobby and I. And we get to the carving station, and there's no one there. And we just kind of stand there and, like, the knives and things are sitting there, and I make a joke, like, you know, carve your own roast or whatever. And a woman comes kind of running up, and she's like, God, really sorry about that, but the person who was here just a minute ago cut herself real bad.

[Bird]

Oh, yeah, you don't want to hear that. Especially when you're about to eat.

[Jen Hobby]

Inspecting the food, making sure there wasn't. Jessica says, with the whole finger, they're gonna be able to save the finger. And the girl working there goes. We don't know, like, totally serious.

[Bird]

Now, were you by yourself, like, in the back, cutting the meat?

[Caller]

Yeah, I had my own little room, so I was in the back, you know, on the electric saw. Cut it off. It's gone.

[Jen Hobby]

Okay, got it.

[Bird]

Was this just at the top? Are you asking more questions or was it below the.

[Caller]

Nothing. Why are you asking more questions?

[Jen Hobby]

No one likes this.

[Bird]

Where exactly was that?

[Caller]

It was. It was like, half of the pinky. Why are you asking more questions?

[Bird]

Thank you for calling.

[Jen Hobby]

Thank you. Seriously.

[Bird]

This is.

[Jen Hobby]

Please, Burt. At all the hits Q100, there was.

[Bird]

Actually a survey done on what is the most painful thing. I mean, I don't know how they even qualified it or quantified it, but the most painful thing that can happen to you is having a finger cut off.

[Jen Hobby]

What about this radio segment?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Jen Hobby]

How did this radio segment rank?

[Bird]

Probably better than your phone scam in another 10 minutes. Good morning, Anna. You're on the Burt show. All the hits Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, my mom had nine kids, and she did seven of them natural.

[Bird]

Damn, that's amazing. Like, I know someone. Some women wear that as a badge of honor that I did this naturally. I think that's just crazy.

[Caller]

No, she did. She thought it was the best way. She said that by far, natural is the best way. She tried to convince my sister when she had two kids to do them all natural. My sister was like, no, give me drugs.

[Bird]

No doubt.

[Jen Hobby]

Don't you have to try it once, though?

[Bird]

No. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. I think Jen wants to. Right.

[Jen Hobby]

You've mentioned considering will definitely be a consideration.

[Bird]

Yeah. That to me, is a crazier than your theory about Kate Holmes. Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise. Good morning, Carla. You're on the Bird Show.

[Caller]

Good morning, guys.

[Bird]

Hi. Hi.

[Caller]

This actually happened to my son a couple years ago. He was on a go kart with a friend, and the friend went around a curve too quickly, so my son panicked and put his foot. Foot out. Well, the force between putting his foot out and the go kart going the opposite direction. He ripped himself a new butthole and had to go to the hospital, have eight.

[Bird]

He literally ripped his booty.

[Caller]

Literally. Yes. Oh, my gosh.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes.

[Caller]

Let's just say for the next few weeks, he ate a lot of stool softeners.

[Bird]

So he had to, like, they had this, like, use stitches on that area.

[Caller]

Yes. He had eight stitches. Oh, God.

[Jen Hobby]

Can I tell you that if someday somebody said you work on a radio show where you'll get a phone call and the woman goes, my son ripped himself a new butthole, you'd say, welcome to the burch. I would have bet you a month's salary that that would have never, ever, ever happened.

[Caller]

Yeah, it did. Unfortunately. I bet Hayden will never get a go kart.

[Bird]

No, no.

[Caller]

You know, he's only been on the thing about once or twice since. And like I said, this has been two years ago. So, no, I don't think he'll be asking for any motorc or anything, hopefully.

[Jen Hobby]

That must have scared the crap out of him.

[Caller]

Yeah, I think it did.

[Jen Hobby]

I at least have Tom.

[Bird]

Brian. Good morning. You're on the Birch Show. Hi.

[Caller]

Hi. It's actually Brianne.

[Bird]

Hi.

[Caller]

Hey. I bit my tongue off.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, boy.

[Bird]

No. How did you do that?

[Caller]

I was running through my house and I tripped and fell down and bit it off.

[Bird]

I can't take anymore. I can't take anymore.

[Jen Hobby]

I can't take anymore.

[Bird]

I can't take anymore.

[Caller]

Oh, my God. I can't take.

[Jen Hobby]

What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously, Bird.

[Bird]

Oh, no.

[Jen Hobby]

Look at the joy on your face.

[Caller]

No.

[Bird]

Seeing the three of you in as much pain as you're in right now made it worth coming in this morning.

[Jen Hobby]

You're a sick, sick man. Look at you. Look at yourself.

[Bird]

There's one more I want to take because I know the cringe factor is going to be so high on it. Michelle, you're going to be the last call. Okay, Go ahead.

[Caller]

I was in the shower shaving my legs, and I had the razor in my hand up by my armpit and I turned and I shaved the side of my nipple. Sliced the side of my nipple off.

[Bird]

Off. I don't know.

[Caller]

I swear at the end I didn't have stitches. But did you catch it before? I tell nipple stories.

[Jen Hobby]

You catch it before I went down the drain.

[Caller]

Oh.

[Bird]

Do you remember the woman that called us? This was years ago.

[Jen Hobby]

Yes, we do.

[Bird]

And said that she accidentally snipped off the little man in the boat.

[Caller]

Oh, no, no. Remember that?

[Bird]

Remember that? Yeah.

[Jen Hobby]

No, dude.

[Bird]

Oh, that's just good clean fun right there.

[Jen Hobby]

Hit the button.

[Bird]

The Bird Show.

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[Jen Hobby]

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