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Burt
Dude, did you order the new iPhone 17 Pro?
Jeff
Got it from Verizon, the best 5G network in America.
Phil
I never looked so good.
Jeff
You look the same. But with this camera, everything looks better. Especially me.
Burt
You haven't changed your hair in 15 years. Selfies check, please with Verizon.
Tracy
Get the new iPhone 17 Pro. Designed to be the most powerful iPhone ever. Plus a new iPad and Apple One. No trade in needed.
Burt
Offer ends November 5th with a new.
Tracy
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Jeff
Listen, it's the vert show.
Burt
Now is the time to start, like, fantasizing about, like, $220 million. I mean, if you win that thing, I know you've probably done the math, okay? Like, if I take it in one lump sum, that's only $100 million, or I can get $1.5 million over the next 60 years or whatever, you start to trick yourself into thinking that, you know what? I could really win this thing.
Jeff
I can't. And I'm one of these people. But it blows me away that there's so many people who are like, ah, you know what? I don't even play it when it's 15 million. When it's 2, it's 15 million. Whatever. I could live without that 220 million, though. Sign me up. It's.
Burt
Well, it's even a higher number than that. Like, it gets to 100 million, you're like, 100 million, come on, it's not worth it. 10 minutes at the QT. 220 million. Now you've got my attention, right? You know, and that's a. That's obviously life changing, life changing money right there. What are you doing when you win $220 million? What's the first thing you're doing besides quitting?
Tracy
The first thing I'm doing is taking.
Dana
A hammer Taking my alarm clock and.
Tracy
Smashing the hell out of it.
Dana
Never having to get up again and again.
Burt
We say this every time this lottery hits. Like how people say, you know what? If I win this lottery, I don't really think it's gonna change my life that much.
Tracy
Oh, yeah, I'd change it.
Burt
I'm a totally different person.
Tracy
Absolutely.
Dana
I was fantasizing about it on the way to work because I got my Mega Millions tickets yesterday. I got some quick pics, and I drove by that billboard right past the Grady Curve on the Downtown Connector, headed north. Saw the big sign that says 220 million, and I did. I started thinking, what really would I do? Like, really what would I do? And I started thinking about the different places around the world. I would want to own a house.
Burt
Yeah, you could do that.
Dana
You know, just owning a home. Like, at first my first thought was in Italy, right on the Amalfi coast, Buying a place right there that just looks over the water. And then I started fantasizing about having, like, a ski town place to go skiing. So that was my first thought is, where else in the world am I going to own homes?
Burt
Mine are more, like, superficial and frivolous. Like, right off the bat, like, if I win that kind of cash, the first thing I'm doing is I'm, like, flying all of my friends to wherever, some small island, and I am hiring some band that will say, you know what? We'll play for you. But $1 million, and there's Bono and Edge and you two playing for me and 30 of my friends, because you can do that. You can spend the first $10 million, and it's like, that's not a big deal. And then I'm going to become, like, Usher, arrogant. I mean, when you get, like, $220 million, you can be. You can have that kind of attitude. You're allowed to. You can buy that kind of attitude.
Jeff
But the problem with that is you'll invite all of your friends, but none of them will have to go. We'll be able to go because they'll still have to work. So you'll be like, hey, why don't everybody. You want to come for three weeks? We're all gonna be. We're gonna be on this. We're gonna be in this. I've rented this entire resort in Maui. We'll all be there for three weeks. All right?
Burt
Nobody else could go, right?
Jeff
I can't come, Bird. I got staff meeting.
Burt
What are you doing with your money, Jeff?
Jeff
I'd probably give most of it to charity. Yeah.
Burt
That's what you do.
Phil
Yeah.
Burt
And that charity is the Jeff Dollar Fund.
Jeff
Yeah. Yeah. Or something like that. Keep it well hidden.
Burt
Hey, Phil.
Phil
Hey, there.
Burt
How are you?
Phil
What's going on, guys?
Jeff
What did you just say that was so funny to Tracy?
Phil
Oh, no, we were just looking. Nothing. We were looking at. There's. There's washers and dryers right beside each other, and there's a very small washer and then a really big dryer. And she looked at the washer and goes, well, good thing we didn't stick you in that one. And I go, well, look at it. It's tiny. I couldn't fit my left leg in that thing. And she thought it was funny.
Burt
You guys in your chemistry.
Phil
Chemistry at the Laundromat.
Burt
Now, when we tried this, like three and a half years ago, we put you in a small dryer and didn't work so well.
Phil
Negative.
Burt
So you had to specifically look for an industrial size dryer this time, right?
Phil
Correct. And I found one.
Jeff
Even though you've lost weight.
Phil
Yeah, well, I don't even. Yeah, these. Yeah, these. Even the small ones here are too small for. Mina could fit in there. Actually, Scott, Tracy and Mina could fit in one of those, but not me.
Burt
What we're gonna do is we are gonna put Phil Turana in this industrial size dryer. He has how many ping pongs?
Phil
50.
Burt
Ping pong balls.
Phil
50.
Burt
50.
Dana
5.
Phil
0.
Burt
50. Is that right? Jeff? Jeff, what's the matter? What's the matter?
Dana
What's the matter? John, look on your.
Burt
Don't you take those headphones off? What's the matter? Where are you going?
Dana
Did you.
Tracy
What'd you win the. Where are you going?
Burt
Hold on a sec.
Tracy
Bill, do you win the lottery?
Jeff
It's 50.
Dana
Not the right number.
Burt
Where you go.
Tracy
Oh, see, Jeff's.
Dana
Oh, what?
Tracy
56.
Burt
It's 56. Phil, you're supposed.
Phil
Well, I have a couple extra. I can throw those in there, too.
Tracy
Jeff, just you. Jeff, just quit.
Burt
It's supposed to be 56 ping pong balls. And, Phil, you have 50.
Phil
Okay, I'll throw in the extra ones. All right, I bought extra.
Burt
You got a Sharpie there with you and a pen and all that?
Phil
I've got my pen. I've got my pen right here.
Burt
Okay, why don't you go ahead and go 51 through 56 on that?
Phil
Okay? All right, I bought extra.
Tracy
I'm prepared this time.
Phil
No, I got extra.
Burt
No, I'm laughing at Jeff because this is his fault. Let me know when you're done with the ping pong balls. And then what Phil will do.
Phil
Stop, I got extra.
Burt
Phil will go inside the dryer with the ping pong balls and he will. Is it. How is it the ping pong ball that actually spills out of the dryer or is it the one that he grabs?
Jeff
I think it's the one that he grabs.
Burt
Okay.
Phil
Yeah, because you have to shut the. You have to shut the door to get the thing rotating.
Dana
You have to tumble before you are gonna grab one.
Jeff
Can I answer that?
Phil
Yes, that is correct.
Jeff
He'll tumble. He'll tumble five times and pull the five Mega Millions balls out and then. Or the five lottery balls out. Then he'll tumble one more time and pull out the mega million. A total of six.
Burt
Got it. And these will be the officially endorsed by Burt show numbers to play this weekend. Okay.
Phil
All right, I've got them all numbered. I have one to 56 now. All right, don't get all mad at me. I'm putting them in. Okay.
Burt
All right. Insert self in industrial dryer.
Phil
Producer Tracy's here as well.
Burt
All right. You want me to put her on? Hold on a sec. Insert self.
Dana
Insert self.
Burt
Hey, Tracy.
Tracy
Hey, you guys. How are you?
Burt
Good. You didn't know that there were 56 numbers in the Mega Millions?
Tracy
Look, I'm just here for the ride. This is not my bit, but I brought extra.
Burt
We've got three producers on this show. Nobody thought to actually do the research on it.
Tracy
I did.
Phil
That's why I brought Extra Fridays ago. I can't handle that stress.
Burt
Are you in the dryer now? Is that why it's extra?
Tracy
No, he's trying to climb his way in. He's trying to figure out the right angle to get himself in there. Sounds like he's at Turbo Field. He's got one fit in. He's nearly in. All right, there he is. Already turning. Okay, he's completely in.
Dana
Is the door shut yet?
Tracy
I'm sorry, what?
Dana
Did you shut the door yet?
Tracy
Not yet. Move your leg. All right, ready? All right.
Phil
Oh.
Tracy
Okay, he's completely in the dryer. I'm putting the quarter in.
Burt
All right.
Jeff
One quarter.
Tracy
Turning the handle. Are you ready?
Burt
Yep.
Tracy
All right, cool. Here we go.
Dana
Can you see?
Burt
Yeah, we're here. You there?
Phil
Yeah. Okay, the first tumble, the door opened up and I kicked a couple of the balls out. What's the first number is?
Tracy
11.
Burt
The first number is 11.
Dana
11.
Burt
Okay.
Jeff
Are you sure you're looking at that right side up?
Tracy
Yes, I'm looking at it right side up. But either way, it's 11. All right, we doing it again?
Burt
Spin it again. Yep.
Tracy
Ready?
Phil
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God, Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, God. Jesus. Good God.
Tracy
All right, you guys ready for the next one?
Burt
Yes. The second ball number is.
Tracy
Hold on. It's rolling all the way down, and it is 51.
Jeff
Tracy, is there anyone else in the Laundromat with you?
Tracy
No, but there's security cameras everywhere, so I want to get this done with him.
Burt
Yeah, the last time we tried this, he got booted out of there, right?
Tracy
Yeah.
Jeff
Trouble. You got plenty of time with the security cameras before you get kicked out. They're going to call about nine people over and go, is this right? Am I really seeing this?
Phil
I just found the dryer sheet.
Burt
All right, third spin, Phil.
Tracy
All right, here we go.
Phil
Oh, God.
Jeff
Okay, is he going completely upside down? Tracy.
Tracy
Okay, then, Tracy, when he.
Jeff
When he turns, does he go, like, completely upside down?
Tracy
Oh, yeah. And it's moving fast, too.
Jeff
So how many times, like, between each time you open the door, is he going around?
Tracy
Probably about 10 or 15.
Jeff
Oh, really?
Tracy
Yeah, it's moving really fast. Like, it looks really painful because he's so, like, he's so much smaller. So, like, he's actually, like, every time it goes upside down, like, he's literally falling on his head.
Phil
Y' all hear me?
Burt
Yes, we can hear you.
Phil
I'm sorry. Keep your finger on delay. This actually hurts a little bit more than I was expecting. And another concern I just got with each rotation. This is an industrial size dryer. It gets hotter and hotter.
Burt
Well, you needed to lose that water weight. You told us. There you go. This is it.
Dana
This is endorsed by your trainers.
Phil
All right, here we go. Let's try a new position here. All right. Oh, God. Oh, we walked in the same floor.
Jeff
Letting it go a little longer, Tracy. So you get a good, good number this time.
Tracy
All right, you ready?
Dana
Yeah.
Tracy
The next number is four.
Burt
Four.
Tracy
Okay.
Burt
All right. Okay, you said there are five numbers and the mega millions, right?
Jeff
Five numbers. Then you take the ones that have already been won and you put them back in, and then you draw the mega millions.
Tracy
I'm sorry, Phil. How many more do we have? Just two more.
Jeff
11.
Phil
Are you mad at me?
Burt
Well, the skydiving thing, it's gonna hurt for a while.
Jeff
Tracy, now you're in charge of how long he goes for.
Tracy
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Jeff
Are you in charge of how long he spins for?
Tracy
Well, he, like, starts when it starts to get too painful. He Starts trying to kick the door open. So now he's actually in charge of how long he spins for.
Burt
Okay?
Tracy
Because as soon as he kicks the door open, the whole dryer stops. All right? The next number. 17.
Burt
17. All right, now you have to throw all of those back in there, and that becomes our Mega Millions ball.
Phil
Okay, I think my head's bleeding.
Tracy
Ooh, it is hot in there, Phil. I'm sorry.
Burt
I'm not dead yet. Just very badly burned.
Phil
Wait, wait, Tracy, hang on. Let me reposition.
Jeff
Tracy, are you physically strong enough to hold the dryer door closed?
Tracy
Don't kick too hard, okay, Phil? Yes, I am. All right, you guys ready?
Burt
Yes.
Jeff
This is a very important one. This is the Mega Ball.
Tracy
All right? You want me to count how many times it's gone around?
Phil
Sure, I'm ready.
Tracy
All right, Ready, go. All right. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 20. Yeah, that's pleasant spot in there.
Jeff
Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
Phil
Let him out.
Burt
Let him out, woman.
Phil
Let him out.
Tracy
Oh, it stopped.
Phil
I'm getting frozen.
Tracy
Oh, they're in your pants.
Burt
What?
Tracy
There's ping pong balls falling out of his pants.
Jeff
That's probably the Mega Ball.
Burt
That's what he said for years.
Tracy
All right, the Mega Ball, which literally fell out of his pants, is 47.
Burt
47.
Jeff
Hold on. The Mega Ball can only be a number between 1 and 46, so he'll have to go again.
Burt
Is that true?
Jeff
Yes. Seriously, Traitor.
Burt
Don't do this.
Dana
Oh, Jeff, I can't help it if.
Jeff
He screwed up his Mega Ball.
Burt
Sorry, he's gonna have to go one more time. Tracy, I don't know that.
Tracy
He literally has his head in a trash can right now.
Dana
He is throwing me up.
Tracy
He looks nauseous. His face is bright red. He can hardly breathe.
Burt
Well, that's because you let him go 10 seconds too long.
Dana
What about the other one that fell out of his pants?
Jeff
Well, he should have two Mega Balls.
Phil
You want one more?
Burt
How bad do you feel?
Phil
Well, with this bin, this will do. I'll probably throw up on this one then.
Burt
Yeah, go back in.
Tracy
Oh, I feel bad for the people that use the dryer after you.
Phil
Hang on one second.
Tracy
He's trying to climb back in.
Dana
You love this.
Phil
I'm really nauseous. I'm really, really nauseous.
Dana
Wait, about what temperature is in the dryer right now, Phil?
Phil
It feels like it's getting, like, you know, right when you walk into a sauna for the first time. That big rush of heat and steam that hits you immediately kind of like that.
Tracy
Well, the directions say that you can't put anything plastic or rubberized in there because it will immediately melt, so it's pretty hot.
Burt
All right, just keep him in there a couple of seconds. One last for the Mega ball.
Jeff
Yeah, Tracy, just like. Just a few seconds. Don't pretend you don't hear us.
Tracy
I couldn't. I swear. If you were saying stop, I couldn't hear you. All right, here we go.
Phil
All right, here we go. Oh.
Tracy
Need another quarter. Hold on. All right, ready? Wait on, you guys. Stop it.
Burt
Stop it.
Tracy
Tracy.
Dana
Stop.
Jeff
Stop.
Burt
Tracy.
Tracy
Oh, that one fell out of your pants, too.
Burt
What number is that?
Tracy
It better be under 46.
Dana
Please tell me it's under 46.
Tracy
Okay, his. His other mega ball is 16.
Burt
All right, so that works. There you go.
Dana
Oh, my God. Is he okay?
Tracy
No, he's back in the trash can. Are you okay?
Phil
Oh, my God. That sucks.
Jeff
Just for the record, Phil, we had it all worked out with Tracy that you were only supposed to be in there a few seconds, and she played all deaf.
Phil
My elbows are. My elbows are bleeding from being up against the grates. I think my head. Oh, hold on. I've literally got my head in an empty tide box right now.
Tracy
Would it be worth it, though?
Burt
It'll be worth it if there are 30 millionaires in Atlanta on Monday. Wouldn't it be worth it?
Phil
Phil.
Jeff
Phil, Phil, Phil. Hey, what if these numbers come up and Phil forgets to buy a ticket? Listen, it's the vert show.
Burt
Dreaming of getting the all new iPhone 17 Pro, designed to be the most powerful iPhone ever. Then stay in bed and let a.
Jeff
Boost mobile expert deliver and set it.
Burt
They will have to get up and open the door. Oh, right. Delivery available for select devices purchased@boost mobile.com Terms apply.
Jeff
Morning, Zoe.
Burt
Got donuts.
Tracy
Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?
Jeff
Well, I dig the mattress, and I.
Burt
Want to be in a T mobile commercial like you.
Jeff
Teach me. So, Dana.
Tracy
Oh, no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly. @ T Mobile. We'll get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.
Burt
Wow, Impressive.
Jeff
Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.
Burt
Nice.
Tracy
Jeffrey, you heard them.
Jeff
T Mobile is the best place to.
Burt
Get the new iPhone 17 Pro on.
Jeff
Us with eligible traded in any condition. So what are we having for lunch?
Tracy
Dude, my work here is done.
Burt
The 24 month bill credit is on experience beyond for well qualified customers + tax and 35 device connection charge credit sending balance due to pay off earlier. Cancel Finance Agreement.
Jeff
IPhone 17 Pro 256 gigs $1099.99 and.
Phil
New line minimum $100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required.
Jeff
Best mobile network in the US based on analysis by Ooklove Speed Test Intelligence.
Burt
Data 1H 2025 Visit t mobile.com when.
Jeff
The flu is keeping you up at night, don't try to tough it out. Knock out your flu symptoms with NYQUIL Intense Flu.
Burt
You got this.
Jeff
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Burt
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Jeff
Nyquil Intense Flu the nighttime Sniffling, aching aching fever. Best Sleep with a flu medicine. Use as directed. Keep out of reach of children.
Date: November 3, 2025
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Phil, Jeff, Tracy, Dana)
Main Theme:
A hilarious, real-time segment where the cast tries to choose the next set of Mega Millions lottery numbers—in the most ridiculous fashion possible: by sending Phil into a giant industrial dryer filled with ping pong balls. As Bert and crew banter about lottery fantasies, they bring both slapstick and relatable humor, featuring Phil’s wild ride (literally) and classic show chemistry.
Why a Dryer?
The team references a past failed attempt at putting Phil in a regular dryer, so this time, they’ve upgraded to an industrial one.
“Now, when we tried this, like three and a half years ago, we put you in a small dryer, and didn’t work so well.” —Bert [04:29]
Rules:
Ping Pong Ball Mix-Up:
Some classic show confusion ensues when the group realizes they’re six balls short, prompting a scramble for extras.
"I've got my pen right here… I'll throw in the extra ones. I bought extra." —Phil [05:44]
“We’ve got three producers on this show. Nobody thought to actually do the research on it.” —Bert [07:34]
[From 08:00]
Phil climbs into the dryer (with Tracy’s color commentary) as tension and laughter mount:
“He’s nearly in. All right, there he is. Already turning. Okay, he’s completely in.” —Tracy [07:47]
First Spin:
Second Spin:
Third Spin:
Fourth Spin:
Mega Ball Draw:
Ping pong balls are put back in for the special Mega Ball draw.
One Last Spin:
Final numbers “drawn” (for Mega Millions):
For fans and newcomers alike, this episode combines the Bert Show’s trademarks: playful banter, emotional relatability, and inventive, laugh-out-loud stunts.