The Bert Show: "Vault: Phil Back in the Dryer"

Date: November 3, 2025
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Phil, Jeff, Tracy, Dana)
Main Theme:
A hilarious, real-time segment where the cast tries to choose the next set of Mega Millions lottery numbers—in the most ridiculous fashion possible: by sending Phil into a giant industrial dryer filled with ping pong balls. As Bert and crew banter about lottery fantasies, they bring both slapstick and relatable humor, featuring Phil’s wild ride (literally) and classic show chemistry.

1. Opening Discussion: Lottery Fever & "What Would You Do if You Won?"

• Lottery Fantasies:
  The crew starts fantasizing about winning a $220 million Mega Millions jackpot, poking fun at how people convince themselves the odds are in their favor.
  • Bert and Jeff joke about how anything under $100 million seems not worth buying a ticket for, but $220 million gets everyone interested.
  • "You know, and that’s obviously life changing, life changing money right there. What are you doing when you win $220 million? What’s the first thing you’re doing besides quitting?" —Bert [01:37]
• Cast Dreams:
  • Tracy and Dana dream about smashing their alarm clocks and never having to wake up early again.
  • Dana fantasizes about buying homes around the world: “My first thought was in Italy, right on the Amalfi coast, buying a place right there that just looks over the water...” [02:40]
  • Bert admits he’d spend on frivolous experiences, like flying all his friends to a private island and paying U2 $1 million to perform just for them. “You can spend the first $10 million, and it’s like, that’s not a big deal. And then I’m going to become, like, Usher, arrogant.” —Bert [02:57]
  • Jeff quips that he’d give most of it to charity—"the Jeff Dollar Fund." [03:54]

2. The Main Bit: Phil in the Industrial Dryer

Setting Up the Stunt

• Why a Dryer?
  The team references a past failed attempt at putting Phil in a regular dryer, so this time, they’ve upgraded to an industrial one.
  “Now, when we tried this, like three and a half years ago, we put you in a small dryer, and didn’t work so well.” —Bert [04:29]

• Rules:

  • Phil brings 56 numbered ping pong balls (originally mistakenly only 50), matching the official Mega Millions setup.
  • The plan: Phil will tumble in the dryer, each spin yielding a new lottery number, until all numbers are chosen.

• Ping Pong Ball Mix-Up:
  Some classic show confusion ensues when the group realizes they’re six balls short, prompting a scramble for extras.
  "I've got my pen right here… I'll throw in the extra ones. I bought extra." —Phil [05:44]
  “We’ve got three producers on this show. Nobody thought to actually do the research on it.” —Bert [07:34]

The Tumble Commences

[From 08:00]

• Phil climbs into the dryer (with Tracy’s color commentary) as tension and laughter mount:
  “He’s nearly in. All right, there he is. Already turning. Okay, he’s completely in.” —Tracy [07:47]

• First Spin:

  • The door pops open, balls spill out, but the first draw lands:
    • Number 11 [08:49]
      "Can you see?" —Dana [08:35]
      “Yeah, we’re here. First number is 11.” —Phil & Tracy [08:38–08:50]

• Second Spin:

  • Number 51 [09:19]
  • Security camera worries. Tracy jokes, “No, but there’s security cameras everywhere, so I want to get this done with him.” [09:29]

• Third Spin:

  • Number 4 [11:12]
  • Tracy confirms, “Every time it goes upside down, like, he’s literally falling on his head.” [10:18]
  • Phil confesses: "This actually hurts a little bit more than I was expecting. And another concern... It gets hotter and hotter." [10:32–10:44]

• Fourth Spin:

  • Number 17 [12:03]

Final Spins: The Mega Ball Debacle

• Mega Ball Draw:
  Ping pong balls are put back in for the special Mega Ball draw.

  • Phil, now dazed and hot, quips, “I think my head’s bleeding.” [12:14]
  • Tracy: “Ooh, it is hot in there, Phil. I’m sorry.” [12:18]
  • The first Mega Ball lands on 47—but it’s invalid, as Mega Balls can only be 1–46! [13:39–13:51]
  • “He literally has his head in a trash can right now.” —Tracy, narrating Phil’s nausea [14:03]

• One Last Spin:

  • A dramatic, queasy Phil re-enters the dryer, the team pleading for a short spin.
  • Second Mega Ball drawn: Number 16 —finally valid! [16:03]

3. Notable Quotes & Classic Bert Show Banter

• “Chemistry at the Laundromat.” —Phil, on the oddity of the stunt [04:27]
• “My elbows are bleeding from being up against the grates. I think my head... I’ve literally got my head in an empty Tide box right now.” —Phil, post-dryer trauma [16:22]
• “Let him out, woman. Let him out.” —Bert, playing up the melodrama [13:18]
• “There’s ping pong balls falling out of his pants.” —Tracy, on-site [13:33]
• “Wouldn’t it be worth it if there are 30 millionaires in Atlanta on Monday?” —Bert [16:38]

4. Timestamps for Key Segments

• Lottery dreams & banter: [01:02–03:57]
• Introducing the dryer and rules: [04:03–07:10]
• Phil enters dryer / first spin: [07:15–08:52]
• Subsequent spins (choosing numbers): [09:00–12:08]
• Mega Ball mishaps / Phil’s squeamishness peaks: [13:39–16:22]
• Wrap-up & aftermath: [16:38–16:59]

5. Segment Summary / Takeaways

• The Bert Show delivers a perfect balance of outlandish physical comedy and genuine camaraderie.
• The absurd lengths the team goes to create “official” lottery numbers is both slapstick and oddly heartfelt—reflecting the show’s realness and embrace of silly traditions.
• Phil’s willingness to suffer for the bit—and Tracy’s deadpan commentary—make for classic Bert Show moments.

Final numbers “drawn” (for Mega Millions):

• 11, 51, 4, 17, [Mega Ball: 16]

For fans and newcomers alike, this episode combines the Bert Show’s trademarks: playful banter, emotional relatability, and inventive, laugh-out-loud stunts.