Vault: Phil's Nascar Guide

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault – Phil’s NASCAR Guide

Host: The Bert Show Cast (Melissa Carter, Phil Tyranna, Knox, others)
Release Date: November 4, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode throws listeners straight into the raucous, authentic, and hilarious world of The Bert Show as Melissa Carter prepares for her first-ever Daytona 500 watch party—motivated by a new romantic relationship with a diehard NASCAR fan, Katie Jo. Resident southern aficionado Phil Tyranna steps in with an utterly irreverent, detailed, and genuinely heartfelt “Idiot’s Guide” to surviving (and thriving) at a NASCAR event, offering Melissa—and the audience—a toolkit that’s as much about southern culture as it is about stock car racing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Melissa’s NASCAR Dilemma ([01:57]–[03:27])

• Setting the Scene:
  Melissa shares she’s dating someone new (Katie Jo), and, in an attempt to impress her, has agreed to watch the Daytona 500—even though she’s never seen a NASCAR race or understood the appeal.
• Confessions of a NASCAR Novice:
  She admits to knowing only “some of the names” and jokes about not understanding why people love “a bunch of cars going around in circles for four hours.”
  • Melissa Carter: “I don’t understand the fascination with a bunch of cars going around in circles for four hours. I don’t get it.” [03:09]

Phil’s “Idiot’s Guide” to Surviving a NASCAR Party ([03:49]–[08:37])

• Southern Credibility Check:
  Phil embraces his southern roots, sharing vignettes from his upbringing—for example, living in the same house in Smyrna, throwing horseshoes, and attaching a beer bottle opener to his house and trailer hitch.
  • Phil Tyranna: “I am proud of my Southern roots...I throw horseshoes and sit on the front porch and drink beer on a constant basis. And I am a-okay with that.” [03:49]

Phil’s NASCAR Watch Party Rules ([04:46]–[08:37])

• 1. Dale Earnhardt Is Sacred

  • Never, ever joke about or disrespect Dale Earnhardt. When his name comes up, “have a moment of silence.”
  • Phil Tyranna: “Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, ever take the name of Dale Earnhardt in vain. You do not joke about it...you have a moment of silence for Dale Earnhardt.” [05:07]
  • Penalty for disrespect: “demoted to plunge duty for the rest of the day.”

• 2. Expect Greasy Food Only

  • The “official food pyramid” for the Daytona 500 includes:
    • The Wing Group (buffalo, hot, chicken, even teriyaki for international flair)
    • Fried Food (fries, hush puppies, nuggets, country fried steak, even deep-fried Twinkies)
    • Quote: “This is a day set aside for all things greasy...On this day only.” [06:17]
  • Looking for veggies? “Bring yourself a bag of cheetos.” [06:55]

• 3. The Beverage Rule

  • Only Budweiser is acceptable. Anything else (Zima, tequila): “discarded and you will be sent to the convenience store for smokes, lottery tickets, and nudie magazines.”
  • Phil Tyranna: “This includes all things Budweiser. Period. No exceptions.” [07:03]
  • Red wine drinkers: “Box wine is totally acceptable. Only from a box, right?” [07:27]

• 4. Dress Code

  • Tank tops, “wife beaters,” shirts with pit stains, even going shirtless—all are normal.
  • Homemade Dale Jr. shirts (Sharpie art included) should be commended, not mocked.
  • Phil Tyranna: “Do not be shocked or surprised to see wife beaters, tank tops, shirts with pit stains, or even no shirt at all. This is all acceptable, if not expected.” [07:41]

• 5. Host Gifts

  • Charcoal, dog food, or motor oil are all acceptable as party gifts.
  • Flowers or cards? Not so much.

• Phil’s Send-off:

  • Phil Tyranna: “Have a good time. Daytona 500? Hell yeah. Go Tony Stewart. Can I get a hell yeah? Hell yeah? You know it.” [08:28]

Standout Quotes & Banter

• Melissa Carter (on the new “food pyramid”): “Oh, God.” [06:55]
• Phil Tyranna (on front porch living): “…got a beer bottle opener screwed onto his house, so that says a lot about who…” [04:08]
• Melissa Carter (on food options): “If you want a vegetable, bring yourself a bag of cheetos.” [06:55]
• Phil Tyranna (on attire): “…if you see someone who has created their own Dale Jr shirt with the number eight on it all written using nothing but a worn out Sharpie, do not laugh...commend them on their artistic talents.” [07:48]

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Memorable Moments & Tone

• The entire exchange is a loving, tongue-in-cheek roast of southern/NASCAR stereotypes, embraced with warmth and humor, especially by Phil.
• Melissa’s confusion (and game effort to join in) highlights her willingness to step out of her comfort zone for love.
• Phil’s delivery is both earnest and comedic, making NASCAR accessible and hilarious.
• Group camaraderie and the “anything goes” party vibe set the tone for new listeners.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:57]–[03:27]: Melissa explains her romance-fueled Daytona 500 plans, revealing her NASCAR cluelessness.
• [03:49]–[04:46]: Phil sets up his southern/NASCAR credentials with stories of country living.
• [04:46]–[08:37]: Phil’s step-by-step “Idiot’s Guide” to watching NASCAR, including etiquette, food, drinks, dress code, and gifts.
• [08:28]: Phil’s passionate “hell yeah” send-off rallying for Tony Stewart and the Daytona 500.

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Final Takeaway

This episode is a love letter to southern party culture and NASCAR fandom, full of sharp quips, knowing winks, and genuine camaraderie. Phil’s guide is both educational and hysterical, making even first-timers feel equipped for race day. Whether you’re a longtime stock car fan or clueless like Melissa, you’ll come away with a big smile—and maybe a craving for buffalo wings and Budweiser.

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Notable Quote for the Books:
Phil Tyranna: “Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, ever take the name of Dale Earnhardt in vain...You do not laugh about it. When his name comes up, you have a moment of silence for Dale Earnhardt.” [05:07]

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Transcript

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[Phil Tyranna]

Get it the Bird show all right, Melissa Carter here.

[Knox]

Dating.

[Melissa Carter]

Speaking of going back to my redneck.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

Roots, dating a new woman. Been a totally different Melissa Carter the last couple of weeks, but she's going through this honeymoon period with this new woman. She's, she's dating Katie.

[Phil Tyranna]

Where?

[Melissa Carter]

Katie Jo.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

Katie Jo. We're calling her now, right?

[Melissa Carter]

For a reason. We're about to tell you they're in.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

This, this look, I'm getting to know you, period. You're getting to know me.

[Melissa Carter]

Everything's so cute.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

Everything is so cute. Up until Sunday, everything is really cute.

[Melissa Carter]

So I, yeah, I talked to Katie earlier this week and I just. She got all excited about something. She's just, you know, clapping her hands. Rub her hands together. Sunday's a big day. Sunday's a big day. And I thought, oh, like, we've been together, you know, like you said, we're in the honeymoon, quote unquote phase where, you know, I'm paying more attention. And I, you know, I'm like, what did I forget about Sunday? What's going on Sunday? Big day Sunday. You're like, is that some sort of anniversary? Did we start like a month? Is that like a one month anniversary? What's going on? What's going on? Daytona 500. And I'm like, what? The Daytona 500? Katie is a huge whole. Katie Jo, I guess as we're calling her, is a huge NASCAR fan. And I have never watched a NASCAR race. I knew. I know some of the names. Jeff Gordon, I know, and Little Lee, because of Phil Turana, you know, And I knew. And I remember hearing about his dad and. But I've never seen a race. And I don't understand the fascination with a bunch of cars going around in circles for four hours. I don't get it.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

Sorry, I'm distracted.

[Melissa Carter]

Because I don't get it.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

I'm sorry. I'm distracted. The auction is not over. Somebody just bid 80, $100.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah. So anyway, for the other people listening to me in the studio, I don't get nascar.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

Phil is the only one in here that gets nascar. I mean, the dude is. He goes to professional wrestling. He does the NASCAR thing. I'm proud some Marlboros rolled up into his sleeve right now.

[Phil Tyranna]

I'm proud of my Southern roots. I'm proud to be a Southern boy. Born and raised in Smyrna, Georgia. Moved out to West Cobb, went to high school in Kennesaw, moved back to Smyrna, while I live in the same house that I was born and raised in, where I throw horseshoes and sit on the front porch and drink beer on a constant basis. And I am a okay with that.

[Melissa Carter]

No, you sat on the front porch.

[Phil Tyranna]

I sat on the front porch with my buddies. He's got a beer bottle opener screwed onto his house, so that says a lot about who filtering.

[Melissa Carter]

Honey, you just do that on the grill of your car, don't you?

[Phil Tyranna]

Yeah, I've got a trailer hitch that has a bottle opener on it for a tailgate. And very important to have. He can do it. He does it with his. And that's a knife at his mouth. If I don't have my knife, I used to use my teeth.

[Knox]

My tooth.

[Melissa Carter (continued or another host)]

So we figured as an education going into the weekend here, Phil Tyranna could help Melissa Carter out a little bit with her NASCAR experience.

[Melissa Carter]

Since my Sunday is going to be spent in front of the TV with the new. The new girl, because I want to be impressive and sit and watch the Daytona 500, I need a little help.

[Phil Tyranna]

Now, Melissa Carter. Darlin, this one is for me and you. I need you to look me dead set in the eyes. We're gonna talk. Melissa, I have made for you a very miniature a CliffsNotes, if you will, to an idiot's guide to your first NASCAR race. Okay? Okay. Don't mind them.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay. He looking right at you, Phil.

[Phil Tyranna]

Me and you, darling. Now, NASCAR itself is a sport that I cannot explain to you in five minutes. So here's what I'm gonna do to help you out. I have a list of rules that you need to live by for this NASCAR party On Sunday, Daytona 500. This is the Super bowl of NASCAR. It's a great way to start the season. Take notes, if you will. Number one for Melissa Carter. Number one, first and foremost, I cannot stress this enough. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance, ever take the name of Dale Earnhardt in vain. You do not joke about it. You do not make jokes about it. You do not laugh about it. When his name comes up, you have a moment of silence for Dale Earnhardt. If you do, you will be demoted to plunge duty for the rest of the day. This is not a lie. It has happened to me. I have done it to other people. Now, something you will expect from this NASCAR party on Sunday, the food. Here's what I want you to do. Do not expect anything healthy on the makeshift buffet table. And if said makeshift buffet table is a weight bench with a blanket over it, don't be surprised. This is a day set aside for all things greasy. As a matter of fact, the Surgeon General has instituted that there is a new food pyramid that is official on this day only. It consists of a few different groups. The new food pyramid has the wing group. This includes Buffalo wings, hot wings, chicken wings. Now, if you want something international, eat a teriyaki flavored wing. Another group on the Daytona 500 food pyramid is the. I mean, the fried food group. This includes French fries, chicken fingers, hush puppies, chicken nuggets, double country fried steak, and don't be surprised to see a deep fried Twinkie or two.

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, God.

[Phil Tyranna]

Now, honey, if you're looking for some kind of vegetable, bring yourself a bag of cheaters. And finally, my friend, there is the beverage group. This includes all things Budweiser, period. No exceptions. If you even walk up on that front porch with a Zima or a tequila be discarded, it will be poured out and you will be sent to the local convenience store to buy smokes, lottery tickets and nudie magazines. What about now? Melissa's a big red wine drinker.

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Red wine.

[Phil Tyranna]

However. However, if you cannot drink beer, if you cannot drink Budweiser, box wine is totally acceptable. Only from a box, right?

[Melissa Carter]

Only.

[Phil Tyranna]

And last but not least, the attire.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay?

[Phil Tyranna]

Do not be shocked or surprised to see wife beaters, tank tops, shirts with pit stains, or even no shirt at all. This is all acceptable if not expected. And if you see someone who has created their own Dale Jr shirt with the number eight on it, all written using nothing but a worn out Sharpie, do not laugh at this pit stained T shirt. Do not laugh at the grammatical errors. Better yet, commend them on their artistic talents. And one last tip for your Daytona 500 party as a little thank you. Don't bring flowers, don't bring a card. Don't bring something sweet. Charcoal dog food and motor oil is all perfectly expected. Have a good time. Daytona 500? Hell yeah. Go Tony Stewart. Can I get a hell yeah? Hell yeah? You know it. Get it. The Bird Show.

[Adam Grant]

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[Jeff Bridges]

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[Dana]

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[Jeff Bridges]

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