Vault: Phone Scam - Craftmatic

Summary

The Bert Show - Vault: Phone Scam - Craftmatic

Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Release Date: December 1, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode features one of The Bert Show’s classic prank segments: the "Phone Scam." The main theme is comedic mischief as a fake caller claims to be trapped inside an adjustable bed and reaches out for customer service help. The purpose is to deliver lighthearted entertainment through a staged call, highlighting the unsuspecting reactions of a real customer service rep, Lisa.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Setup: The Phone Scam Call Begins

• [01:17] The prank starts with a caller phoning a fictional adjustable bed company and connecting with Lisa in customer service.
• [01:24] The caller claims, "I am trapped inside my adjustable bed," immediately signaling a bizarre and absurd problem.
• Lisa, the customer service rep, quickly shifts from confusion to concern as the caller elaborates on his predicament.

2. Escalation: Absurd Descriptions and Rising Tension

• [01:41] Upon being asked which state he’s calling from, the caller quips:

  "I'm calling from a state of disbelief. Okay."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [01:45]

• [02:01] The caller amplifies the absurdity:

  "I'm folded up inside here like I'm in a womb."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [02:01]

• Despite the outlandish claim, Lisa remains professional and sympathetic, though obviously bewildered.

3. The Frazzled Customer Service Response

• [02:11] Lisa, growing more frantic, involves a technician (off-mic), desperately looking for solutions.

• The caller feigns distress and physical discomfort, describing himself as "numb from my navel up until my nipples" and folded with "my knees on either side of my ears."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [03:46]

• Lisa struggles to maintain composure while coordinating help and repeatedly tells the caller to stop pressing the bed controls.

• Increasingly anxious, Lisa considers dialing emergency services:

  "I don't know if we should call an ambulance at this point or not. Do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
  — Lisa [04:08]

4. The Reveal: Phone Scam Exposed

• After several minutes, a second “rep” (possibly the same person as Lisa, just changing voices) takes over; the caller requests Lisa specifically.
• The caller finally reveals the prank:

  "You're phone scammed."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [04:59]

• Lisa, catching her breath and realizing the ruse, is audibly exasperated and relieved.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Absurd scenario launched with deadpan delivery:

  "I am trapped inside my adjustable bed. It's folded up around me."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [01:27]

• Lisa, shocked and trying to stay helpful:

  "Can you open it up?"
  — Lisa [02:05] "No, if I could open it up, I wouldn't be on the phone with you."
  — Caller [02:07]

• Physical comedy via description:

  "I'm completely numb from my navel up until my nipples...I have my knees on either side of my ears. Oh, God."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [03:46]

• Lisa’s frustration boils over:

  "Sir, I cannot listen to you or help you unless you cooperate with me."
  — Lisa [04:48]

• The perfect punchline:

  "You've been phone scammed."
  — Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed [05:08]

• Lisa’s exasperated realization:

  "Oh, God."
  — Lisa [05:14]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:17 — Call to customer service begins
• 01:27–02:07 — Caller asserts he’s "trapped" and can’t get out
• 02:41 — Fake distress escalates ("I'm dizzy")
• 03:46 — Over-the-top physical distress ("numb from my navel up until my nipples")
• 04:08 — Lisa considers calling an ambulance
• 04:59–05:08 — Prank reveal and Lisa’s reaction

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Tone, Language, and Listener Experience

The episode exemplifies The Bert Show’s signature playful, irreverent style. The tone is light, good-natured, and sometimes slapstick, with the cast wielding deadpan and escalating absurdity for comedic effect. The prankster’s delivery is intentionally hyperbolic, while Lisa’s genuine concern and eventual frustration ground the bit and generate much of the humor.

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Summary

This classic phone scam from The Bert Show offers lighthearted fun, blending improvisation and candid reactions for comedic payoff. Listeners are treated to a rollercoaster of absurdity—from an outlandish predicament to a believable, concerned customer service agent—culminating in a satisfying and hilarious reveal.

Transcript

[Podcast Host]

Did I talk too much? Can I just let it go? I wish I would stop thinking so much.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

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[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

You're almost at the finish line.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

But first, There, the last one. Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

The bird Show.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Adjustable beds. This is Lisa. Can I help you? Oh, hello.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hello.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Hi. How can I help you?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I need customer service.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

This is customer service.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I am trapped inside my adjustable bed.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

You're what?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Trapped inside my adjustable bed. It's folded up around me.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay, sir, what state are you calling from?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I'm calling from a state of disbelief. Okay.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Where did you buy the bed?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

My son gave it to me.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hello?

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Are you okay?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I mean, I'm folded up inside here like I'm in a womb.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Well, can you open it up?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

No, if I could open it up, I wouldn't be on the phone with you.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay, let me see if I can get my technician to help me.

[Podcast Host]

I.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hurry up. It's awfully warm.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay. I'm sorry. I've never gotten call like this before.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hold on.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Hold on a second. John, I've got this man who's stuck. I don't know what to do. Can you talk to.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hey.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Yes, sir, I'm still in the bed.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Yeah, I'm.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

I'm trying to get my technician on.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

The phone for you.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

I'm kind of explaining to him your situation, and we're gonna.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I'm dizzy.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Can. Can you reach the controls?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hey, listen to this.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay. Are you pushing the button?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

No. What do you think the noise is?

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Well, it just sounds like the controls are overheating. You need to quit pushing the button. Are you pushing a button, sir?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Yes.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay, stop pushing because the bed sounds like it's overheating. Okay, I'm gonna get my technician on the phone. He can kind of talk you through this. Stop pushing the button.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Okay.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay. Okay. John, I really need your help with this. This guy is stuck in his bed and he sounds real muffled, like he can't breathe and stuff. Sir, I told you to stop pushing the button.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

But I'm stuck in the button.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

But you really need to stop pushing the button.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I think it's jammed.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay, but just don't push the button because you're just going to make it worse.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

All right?

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Okay. Okay. Are you getting oxygen? Are you getting some kind of air?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I don't think so. Okay. I'm completely numb from my navel up until my nipples. I'm numb because of the way I'm folded and I have my knees on either side of my ears. Oh, God.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Try to get as much oxygen that you can.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

My life is passing before my eyes.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

You know, I don't know if we should call an ambulance at this point or not. Do you want me to call an ambulance for you?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I want you to get me out of this floating mattress of dust we are.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

I'm trying my best. Okay, sir, stop pushing the button.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Stop yelling at me. Oh.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

I'm not dealing with this anymore.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Hello?

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Hello, sir, this is Tiffany. Are you feeling all right?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Put Lisa on the phone.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Sir, I cannot listen to you or help you unless you cooperate with me.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Is this Lisa?

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Yes, it is Lisa. Yes.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

You're phone scammed.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Sir, I cannot understand what you're saying.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I said he was phone scammed.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

What? What?

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

You've been phone scammed.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Phone scammed.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

This is the brand new Birch show at Q100.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

Oh, God.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

I got an email from John and Tiffany and they wanted me to phone scam you.

[Customer Service Representative (Lisa)]

John, you.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

The Bird Show.

[California Lottery Advertiser]

Dashing through the store, Dave's looking for a gift. One you can't ignore. But not the socks he picked.

[Podcast Host]

I know. I'm putting them back.

[California Lottery Advertiser]

Hey, Dave, here's a tip. Put scratchers on your list.

[Podcast Host]

Oh, scratchers. Good idea.

[California Lottery Advertiser]

It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.

[Caller Stuck in Adjustable Bed]

Thanks, random singing people.

[California Lottery Advertiser]

So be like Dave, it's holiday and give the gift of play. Scratchers from the California Lottery. A little play can make your day.

[Podcast Host]

Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to.

[BetterHelp Advertiser]

Purchase play or claim.

[Podcast Host]

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