Vault: Phone Scam - Dentist

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault - Phone Scam - Dentist

Date: October 28, 2025
Host: The Bert Show Cast (Pionaire Podcasting)
Episode Type: Classic Phone Scam Segment

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Episode Overview

This episode features a classic "phone scam" segment—a hallmark of The Bert Show's comedic offerings. In this prank call, a cast member (Jeff Dollar) poses as a very confused and increasingly desperate dental patient, calling a dental office with a series of escalating and bizarre complaints about lingering numbness purportedly caused by Novocaine. The unsuspecting office staffer, Susan, tries her best to help, not knowing she’s speaking to a prankster. The segment culminates with the reveal and good-natured laughter.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Breakdown

1. Introduction to the Prank (00:00 - 00:27)

• Jeff Dollar (playing the patient) opens the call by referencing a recent dental visit and claims that Novocaine has spread throughout his body.
• Sets an absurd premise: “Your tooth's all better, but the novocaine has spread. And now you're numb all over.”

2. Establishing the Medical Emergency (00:27 - 01:46)

• Susan, the front desk employee, tries to get patient information, repeatedly asking for a name and details.
• “I was in the office at the end of last week. I had what I thought was a simple cowardly pill...Novocaine spread.” (Jeff as “Willis Mopson,” 00:38)
• The caller gives a litany of numb body parts.

3. Increasing the Absurdity (01:46 - 02:55)

• Jeff-as-patient claims the numbness has been ongoing for days and discusses eating “pesto sauce” after the appointment.
• Suggests an allergic reaction but insists on linking it to the dental work.
• “Last time I had pesto sauce, my tongue swelled up...I thought maybe it wouldn't swell.” (01:25)
• “Listen to this. I’m picking my arm up. I can’t even keep it there.” (02:36)

4. Susan’s Professional Concern & Caller Antics Escalate (02:55 - 03:40)

• Susan advises the patient see a doctor, not just a dentist.
• Patient deflects: “I only have a dentist. And you put the nose in.”
• Susan asks for spelling, dates, clearly doubting the legitimacy but remaining professional.

5. Physical Collapse and Maximum Chaos (03:40 - 04:06)

• Patient starts to fake physical deterioration: “My legs are going numb. Hello?...I fell off the chair...I’m on the floor.”
• Susan, alarmed, urges the caller to dial emergency services:
  • “Well, I think you should call 911.” (03:55)
  • Caller, feigning confusion: “What’s the number?” (04:02)
  • “911.” (04:03)

6. The Reveal & Aftermath (04:06 - End)

• Jeff reveals the phone scam: “My name’s really Jeff Dollar, and I’m part of The Bert Show at Q150. And your sister Betsy just phone scammed you.” (04:20)
• Susan reacts with surprise and laughter as the show signature sign-off plays: “We will scam you. The Bert Show.” (04:31)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Novocaine spread. And now you’re numb all over.”
  – Jeff, setting up the absurd premise (00:01)
• “Last time I had pesto sauce, my tongue swelled up...I thought it would be a good time to have pesto sauce. I liked the taste of it.”
  – Jeff explaining his dubious culinary wisdom (01:25)
• “Listen to this. I’m picking my arm up. I can’t even keep it there.”
  – Jeff, hamming up the physical comedy (02:36)
• “Well, I think you should call 911.” / “What’s the number?” / “911.”
  – Susan and Jeff, perfectly playing out the climax (03:55 – 04:03)
• “My name’s really Jeff Dollar, and I’m part of the Bert Show...And your sister Betsy just phone scammed you.”
  – Jeff, revealing the joke (04:20)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:01 – Call premise: Novocaine has ‘spread’ and caused numbness
• 01:25 – Pesto sauce and tongue swelling anecdote
• 02:36 – Physical comedy: Can’t keep arm up
• 03:33 – “My legs are going numb...I fell off the chair.”
• 03:55 – 04:04 – “Call 911... What’s the number?...911.”
• 04:20 – The reveal

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Tone & Delivery

• The tone is light and playful, with Jeff’s performance oscillating between deadpan and flamboyant escalation.
• Susan remains a model of professional patience, growing more bemused and concerned as the call goes on.
• The humor leans into slapstick and absurd interpretations of medical misunderstandings.

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Summary

This episode captures The Bert Show’s signature blend of humor, improvisation, and relatable laughs. The phone scam format brings out the best in both the prankster and the unwitting participant, providing listeners with moments of escalating absurdity, genuine concern, and a satisfying reveal that leaves everyone in on the joke. This classic segment is a testament to the enduring appeal of prank calls done with charm and wit.

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Transcript

[A]

The Birch show. Couple days ago you went to the dentist. Your tooth's all better, but the novocaine has spread. And now you're numb all over.

[B]

Hi, this is Susan. How may I help you?

[A]

Hi, Susan. I was in the office at the end of last week. I had what I thought was a simple cowardly pill.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

You got to choose Novocaine. And it hasn't worn off and it spread. Novocaine spread.

[B]

It spread right. Who am I seeking with?

[A]

This is Willis laughing.

[B]

I'm sorry, Willis.

[A]

Muffin and I. My arm and my hand is numb on my right side. And my lips are numb and I'm numb.

[B]

I didn't catch your name. Your last name again.

[A]

Willis Mopson. Willis nothing. I was in that jail last week. On Wednesday.

[B]

On Wednesday.

[A]

Wednesday, Thursday, Wednesday. And I can't seem. And I don't know if it's an overcloud or if it's maybe an allergic reaction to some pesto sauce that I had after leaving the place. But my right arm and my hand is numb. And my lips and my gums and my teeth are numb.

[B]

And how long has this been going on for?

[A]

Since last Miss Day.

[B]

And how come you didn't call then?

[A]

Because I thought it was normal until I woke up with my hands numb.

[B]

And what did you do?

[A]

I thought maybe I slept on it wrong. But it's Monday morning. I couldn't wait to save my life.

[B]

And what did you do after you left here?

[A]

I had some pesto sauce.

[B]

Some what kind of shots?

[A]

No, no, no, no. I went to the restaurant.

[B]

A restaurant.

[A]

And I had some manicotti with some pesto sauce.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And last time I had pesto sauce, my tongue swelled up.

[B]

Well, that's.

[A]

And I thought it would be a good time to have pesto sauce. I liked the taste of it. My tongue was numb, so I thought maybe it wouldn't swell.

[B]

Well.

[A]

But now my arm's numb. Listen to this. I'm picking my arm up. I can't even keep it there.

[B]

Huh. Well, I think that you should go to your. Can you go to the doctor? Can you go to the doctor? Do you have a physician you can go to?

[A]

Uh, I only have a dentist. And you put the nose in.

[B]

Okay, but can. Can you do me a favor? Can you spell your last name for me?

[A]

Am of Drag.

[B]

O. Wait, wait. Not this Thursday, right? Not this past Thursday. Exactly which day? What's the date? You were in here Thursday. This Thursday. Doctor was not in here?

[A]

No, no, no. Not this Thursday. This past Thursday.

[B]

Uh oh, give me the date.

[A]

Uh oh, my legs are going numb.

[B]

Well, I understand that, but I'm trying to. I'm trying to decipher when you were in here because you couldn't have been in here Thursday the 17th.

[A]

All I know is my legs are going up. Hello?

[B]

Hello? I fell off the chair.

[A]

I'm on the floor. My legs are numb. I'm on the floor.

[B]

Okay, well, I think you should. Hey, I think you should call 911.

[A]

What's the number?

[B]

911.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Huh. I'm trying to help you here, but I don't understand who you are.

[A]

Can you leave a message for Dr. Gerhardt?

[B]

Who is this?

[A]

Well, my name's really Jeff Dollar, and I'm part of the bird show at Q150. And your sister Betsy just phone scammed you.

[B]

We will.

[A]

We will scam you. The bird show.