Vault: Phone Scam - Kid Is Bad At Sports

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Phone Scam - Kid Is Bad At Sports
Date: December 9, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and The Bert Show Cast
 

Episode Overview

This classic episode from The Bert Show “Vault” revives one of their notorious phone scams, bringing laughter and shock as a dad is pranked about his son's (and his own) supposed lackluster basketball abilities. The segment captures the ease and quick wit of the hosts as they rope an unsuspecting parent into a fake controversy over little league basketball, all for the sake of some good-natured radio mischief.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Phone Scam Setup

• [01:53]
  Ben Hurdock (posing as a new basketball coach) calls Mr. Smurfax to discuss his 7-year-old son Tommy’s place on the basketball team.

2. Awkward Praise and Blunt Critique

• [02:53 - 03:07]
  Ben initially praises Tommy as a "great kid" and a potential heartbreaker, suggesting promise—but then pivots sharply:

  “You know, he's not very good at basketball.” – Ben Hurdock (03:22)

• Mr. Smurfax, ever the supportive parent, points out Tommy's enthusiasm and talents, referencing the learning process for kids.

3. Escalating the Critique

• [03:45 - 04:27]
  Ben bluntly suggests Tommy is “holding the team back from any sort of championship,” which Mr. Smurfax strongly disputes, emphasizing that they’re only 6 and 7 and at a learning stage.

• The coach proposes cutting Tommy from the team—a move that Mr. Smurfax firmly rejects.

4. Things Get Personal

• [05:00 - 06:04]
  Ben reveals that “other parents” supposedly want Tommy gone and eventually critiques Mr. Smurfax’s own basketball skills:

  “The clincher was... I mean, you're not very good at basketball.” – Ben Hurdock (05:55)

• When Ben claims to have seen Mr. Smurfax play at the gym and calls him “slow” and lacking “hustle on the rebound,” Mr. Smurfax reacts with disbelief and rising anger.

• The taunts escalate into a (clearly joking) personal insult:

  “We saw you in the locker room and you've got a small penis.” – Ben Hurdock (06:34)

• Mr. Smurfax pushes back with bravado, even challenging Ben to a one-on-one game at any time.

5. The Big Reveal: It’s a Scam

• [07:09]
  The Bert Show host Jeff breaks in:

  “Alright, listen, this is Jeff with The Bert Show over at all the hits Q100. Your wife has just phone scammed you.” – Jeff (07:09)

• Mr. Smurfax laughs off the situation, now in on the joke. Ben reveals that the prank was all set up by Mr. Smurfax’s wife, who also provided the ammunition for the locker room joke.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ben Hurdock, opening salvo:

  “You know, he's not very good at basketball.” (03:22)

• Mr. Smurfax, standing up for his kid:

  "These kids are 6 and 7 years old. I don't think that deciding whether or not the kid's got enough talent to play the game is going to be determined at this age." (04:30)

• Ben Hurdock, twisting the knife:

  “We don't want him on our team.” (04:56)
  “I've been brought in to whip this team into shape.” (05:23)

• Mr. Smurfax, challenging the coach:

  "Who are you? ... I'll play you anytime you want to go." (06:04)

• Ben Hurdock, the ultimate jab:

  "...and we've seen you in the locker room and you've got a small penis." (06:34)

• Mr. Smurfax, drawing the line:

  "Anytime you want to play, I'll play you one on one. I don't care who you are, where you played, wherever. I'll bust your a**." (06:49)

• The reveal:

  “Your wife. She gave us all the information. Including the small penis line.” – Ben Hurdock (07:19)
  “Yeah, obviously you haven't been in the locker room.” – Mr. Smurfax (07:24; joking back)

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Segment Timestamps

| MM:SS | Segment | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------| | 01:53 | Start of phone scam introduction | | 02:16 | Ben Hurdock calls Mr. Smurfax | | 03:22 | First direct criticism of Tommy's skills | | 04:27 | Suggestion Tommy is a detriment to the team | | 05:00 | Other parents “want him gone” | | 05:55 | Personal attack on Mr. Smurfax’s skills | | 06:34 | “Small penis” joke, tensions peak | | 07:09 | The reveal: It’s a Bert Show phone scam | | 07:19 | Ben admits the wife put them up to it |

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Tonal Notes

• The tone is irreverent, playful, and at times deliciously awkward.
• Despite the stinging barbs, the mood stays fun—especially after the reveal.
• Mr. Smurfax’s mix of indignation, humor, and protectiveness makes the segment highly entertaining.
• Jeff and Ben's delivery is deadpan and persistent, heightening the prank’s comedic effect.

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Summary:
This episode is a prime example of The Bert Show’s ability to combine relatable parental moments with over-the-top humor. The escalating prank reflects how far they can push a joke without crossing the line—using sharp writing, convincing improv, and priceless reactions. For listeners, it’s a hilarious, cringe-worthy slice of morning radio where everyone (eventually) gets to laugh.

Transcript

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[The Bird Show Host]

The Bird show.

[Ben Hurdock]

Calling up a guy whose son is a 67 year old basketball player. Dad is also a basketball player and I tell him that they're both really not that good.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Hello?

[Ben Hurdock]

Hi, I'm looking for Mr. Smurfax, please.

[Mr. Smurfax]

This is him.

[Ben Hurdock]

Hey, my name is Ben Hurdock, coach of the basketball team. New coach of the basketball team.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Oh yeah, how are you?

[Ben Hurdock]

I've Met your wife once or twice. I don't know if I've had the pleasure yet. How are you?

[Mr. Smurfax]

I don't think we did, but I'm doing all right.

[Ben Hurdock]

You know what? I think I was actually fairly certain of this. And after talking to your wife, you work out at your Oak Knight, right? Yeah, yeah, I've actually. I work out there as well. I've actually seen you there.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Oh, great.

[Ben Hurdock]

Hey, is it a good time? Am I bugging you or is.

[Mr. Smurfax]

No, no. Is there something coming up? Something you want to talk about?

[Ben Hurdock]

Well, I want to give you a heads up on Tommy or Tom. We, you know, I don't know, maybe a progress report or whatever. You've got a really great kid.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Yeah, we think so too. We like him a lot.

[Ben Hurdock]

I mean, he's. He's a keeper, you know, he's definitely. He's. I mean, he's gonna be a heartbreaker with the ladies. And he's. I mean, he's. He could be one of the best sports on the team and chip off the old block. What's that?

[Mr. Smurfax]

Chip up the old block.

[Ben Hurdock]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he's not very good at basketball.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Uh huh.

[Ben Hurdock]

So I just, I mean, have you noticed that or.

[Mr. Smurfax]

I mean, he's young, you know, he's got some stuff to learn, but I think he's trying pretty hard and he's got some talent. He's definitely got some talent.

[Ben Hurdock]

Right. Is he six, right? Or seven?

[Mr. Smurfax]

He's actually. He's seven.

[Ben Hurdock]

Seven. Yeah, he. I guess. I mean, would you say that maybe he's holding the team back from like any sort of championship?

[Mr. Smurfax]

I wouldn't say that. No. I mean, I think that, you know.

[Ben Hurdock]

Okay, well, he is.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Well, I would disagree. I mean, they're little kids.

[Ben Hurdock]

Well, he is, he is. I'm a coach and you're not, so we don't.

[Mr. Smurfax]

They also play basketball too. But, you know, I know a little bit about the game and especially at that age, I think that, you know, holding them back, it's just a learning process really.

[Ben Hurdock]

I'm not talking about holding him back or anything. I don't think he needs to pursue basketball any further. I think he's going to be a detriment to any team he's on.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Well, that's a little. That's a little blunt, don't you think?

[Ben Hurdock]

Well, I mean, what do you want me to do? Beat around the bush?

[Mr. Smurfax]

I don't want you to beat around the bush, but I don't think it's, you know, These kids are 6 and 7 years old. I don't think that deciding whether or not the kid's got enough talent to play the game is going to be determined at this age.

[Ben Hurdock]

He's 7 years old.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Michael Jordan didn't make the basketball team in high school when he was a freshman.

[Ben Hurdock]

Yeah, we've all heard that story.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Yeah, that's fine. But you know, I'm not going to tell the kid to stop playing. He likes playing.

[Ben Hurdock]

I'm gonna have that talk with him. So I don't think you have to.

[Mr. Smurfax]

No, you're not gonna have that talk with him. What's your name again?

[Ben Hurdock]

Ben. Listen, we don't. We don't want him on our team.

[Mr. Smurfax]

According to who?

[Ben Hurdock]

Well, it's me and some of the other parents.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Bull. There's no way that the other parents said anything like that. I know all the other parents.

[Ben Hurdock]

Yeah, I mean, it's just. It's not a good thing for anybody involved.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Who are you?

[The Bird Show Host]

Wait, wait.

[Mr. Smurfax]

How long have you been coaching this team?

[Ben Hurdock]

This is my ninth day.

[Mr. Smurfax]

That's great. My son's been on the team longer than you have, so I think that if he wants to stay, he's gonna stay before you.

[Ben Hurdock]

I've been. I've been brought in to whip this team into shape. I mean, we're gonna try to get a six.

[Mr. Smurfax]

They're six and seven years old. What is there to whip into shape? It's fun. They're learning how to play the game.

[Ben Hurdock]

We're gonna try to get them to a championship this year.

[Mr. Smurfax]

What are you talking about?

[Ben Hurdock]

Justin might get an endorsement, you know, so we're trying to make that happen.

[Mr. Smurfax]

What is this? Is this Division 1 basketball?

[Ben Hurdock]

We had some of the parents came by to rock the other night and.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Will you tell me who they are? I'll talk to them personally. If you want to sit down with you and all them, we'll have this conversation. You're not kicking my kid off the basketball team at 6 and 7 years old. Sorry.

[Ben Hurdock]

The clincher was. I mean, you're not very good at basketball.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Oh, really?

[Ben Hurdock]

Right. We were there the other night.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Oh, you saw me play?

[Ben Hurdock]

Yeah, you're not good.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Who the are you? So, A, who the are you? B, I'll play you anytime you want to go.

[Ben Hurdock]

Do you want to do like a little one on one? And if I win your kids off.

[Mr. Smurfax]

The team, I'll kick your.

[Ben Hurdock]

I mean, maybe he could work in concessions or.

[Mr. Smurfax]

I was all county in high school. What are you talking about? You saw me play and I sucked. What Are you talking about you're not.

[Ben Hurdock]

I mean, you weren't very good.

[Mr. Smurfax]

I'm not very good? What?

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[Mr. Smurfax]

Dude, you got a big mouth, man.

[Ben Hurdock]

You're. You're slow.

[Mr. Smurfax]

I actually can't wait to meet you now.

[Ben Hurdock]

You're slow. You're slow to the hoop. You have no hustle on the rebound.

[Mr. Smurfax]

I'm slow.

[Ben Hurdock]

And we saw you in the locker room and you've got a small penis.

[Mr. Smurfax]

All right, yeah, very funny. I don't know why you're talking a bunch of. You're faster than me if you listen to six and seven year old basketball. I don't know what to say about your life. Second of all, anytime you want to play, I'll play you one on one. I don't who you are, where you played, wherever. I'll bust your. And that's it. You got a big mouth.

[Ben Hurdock]

I would actually say. I think your son could probably beat you.

[Mr. Smurfax]

That's funny.

[Ben Hurdock]

Yeah.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Who's that? And anytime. We'll sit down with you. We'll sit down with the coaches. We'll sit down with the people who run the league.

[Ben Hurdock]

I'm the coach. I run the whole thing.

[Mr. Smurfax]

No, you don't run. You're not kicking my son off the basketball team.

[Ben Hurdock]

All right, listen, this is Jeff with the burch over at all the hits Q100. Your wife has just phone scammed you.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Who put you up to this?

[Ben Hurdock]

Your wife.

She gave us all the information. Including the small penis line.

[Mr. Smurfax]

Yeah, obviously you haven't been in the locker room.

We will. We will scam you.

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