Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: Phone Scam - Kid Is Bad At Sports
Date: December 9, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Main Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and The Bert Show Cast
 

Episode Overview

This classic episode from The Bert Show “Vault” revives one of their notorious phone scams, bringing laughter and shock as a dad is pranked about his son's (and his own) supposed lackluster basketball abilities. The segment captures the ease and quick wit of the hosts as they rope an unsuspecting parent into a fake controversy over little league basketball, all for the sake of some good-natured radio mischief.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Phone Scam Setup

• [01:53]
  Ben Hurdock (posing as a new basketball coach) calls Mr. Smurfax to discuss his 7-year-old son Tommy’s place on the basketball team.

2. Awkward Praise and Blunt Critique

• [02:53 - 03:07]
  Ben initially praises Tommy as a "great kid" and a potential heartbreaker, suggesting promise—but then pivots sharply:

  “You know, he's not very good at basketball.” – Ben Hurdock (03:22)

• Mr. Smurfax, ever the supportive parent, points out Tommy's enthusiasm and talents, referencing the learning process for kids.

3. Escalating the Critique

• [03:45 - 04:27]
  Ben bluntly suggests Tommy is “holding the team back from any sort of championship,” which Mr. Smurfax strongly disputes, emphasizing that they’re only 6 and 7 and at a learning stage.

• The coach proposes cutting Tommy from the team—a move that Mr. Smurfax firmly rejects.

4. Things Get Personal

• [05:00 - 06:04]
  Ben reveals that “other parents” supposedly want Tommy gone and eventually critiques Mr. Smurfax’s own basketball skills:

  “The clincher was... I mean, you're not very good at basketball.” – Ben Hurdock (05:55)

• When Ben claims to have seen Mr. Smurfax play at the gym and calls him “slow” and lacking “hustle on the rebound,” Mr. Smurfax reacts with disbelief and rising anger.

• The taunts escalate into a (clearly joking) personal insult:

  “We saw you in the locker room and you've got a small penis.” – Ben Hurdock (06:34)

• Mr. Smurfax pushes back with bravado, even challenging Ben to a one-on-one game at any time.

5. The Big Reveal: It’s a Scam

• [07:09]
  The Bert Show host Jeff breaks in:

  “Alright, listen, this is Jeff with The Bert Show over at all the hits Q100. Your wife has just phone scammed you.” – Jeff (07:09)

• Mr. Smurfax laughs off the situation, now in on the joke. Ben reveals that the prank was all set up by Mr. Smurfax’s wife, who also provided the ammunition for the locker room joke.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ben Hurdock, opening salvo:

  “You know, he's not very good at basketball.” (03:22)

• Mr. Smurfax, standing up for his kid:

  "These kids are 6 and 7 years old. I don't think that deciding whether or not the kid's got enough talent to play the game is going to be determined at this age." (04:30)

• Ben Hurdock, twisting the knife:

  “We don't want him on our team.” (04:56)
  “I've been brought in to whip this team into shape.” (05:23)

• Mr. Smurfax, challenging the coach:

  "Who are you? ... I'll play you anytime you want to go." (06:04)

• Ben Hurdock, the ultimate jab:

  "...and we've seen you in the locker room and you've got a small penis." (06:34)

• Mr. Smurfax, drawing the line:

  "Anytime you want to play, I'll play you one on one. I don't care who you are, where you played, wherever. I'll bust your a**." (06:49)

• The reveal:

  “Your wife. She gave us all the information. Including the small penis line.” – Ben Hurdock (07:19)
  “Yeah, obviously you haven't been in the locker room.” – Mr. Smurfax (07:24; joking back)

Segment Timestamps

| MM:SS | Segment | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------| | 01:53 | Start of phone scam introduction | | 02:16 | Ben Hurdock calls Mr. Smurfax | | 03:22 | First direct criticism of Tommy's skills | | 04:27 | Suggestion Tommy is a detriment to the team | | 05:00 | Other parents “want him gone” | | 05:55 | Personal attack on Mr. Smurfax’s skills | | 06:34 | “Small penis” joke, tensions peak | | 07:09 | The reveal: It’s a Bert Show phone scam | | 07:19 | Ben admits the wife put them up to it |

Tonal Notes

• The tone is irreverent, playful, and at times deliciously awkward.
• Despite the stinging barbs, the mood stays fun—especially after the reveal.
• Mr. Smurfax’s mix of indignation, humor, and protectiveness makes the segment highly entertaining.
• Jeff and Ben's delivery is deadpan and persistent, heightening the prank’s comedic effect.

Summary:
This episode is a prime example of The Bert Show’s ability to combine relatable parental moments with over-the-top humor. The escalating prank reflects how far they can push a joke without crossing the line—using sharp writing, convincing improv, and priceless reactions. For listeners, it’s a hilarious, cringe-worthy slice of morning radio where everyone (eventually) gets to laugh.