Vault: Phone Scam Sick Cat

Summary

The Bert Show — "Vault: Phone Scam Sick Cat"

Date: October 28, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Jeff (prank caller), Sarah (vet receptionist), Bert Show cast

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Main Theme

This episode is a classic Bert Show "Phone Scam": a comedic prank call segment where a cast member calls an unsuspecting person—in this case, a veterinary office receptionist—posing as a frantic pet owner with an absurdly "sick" cat. The aim: provoke reactions, land jokes, and showcase the wit and improv skills that are show staples.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Breakdown

1. Setting the Scene: The Sick Cat Emergency

• [00:00] Jeff describes the prank setup: Pretending to be a cat owner about to go out of town, facing a (fictionally) "disgustingly sick" cat, and calling the vet's office for urgent help.
  • "You're about to go out of town, your cat's really sick, and you need to talk to the vet immediately." — Jeff

2. The Call Begins: Frantic Owner Meets Calm Receptionist

• [00:27 – 01:07] Jeff (as the pet owner) calls Mary Hospital and speaks with Sarah, the receptionist.
• Jeff immediately establishes a frantic, almost comically needy tone:
  • "Not doing too well here. Okay, having a crisis. I'm about to head out of town and I have a cat who is very sick..." — Jeff (00:36)
• Sarah remains polite and informative, calmly explaining that the vet won't arrive for another 45 minutes.

3. Unsettling Cat Noises: The Prank Deepens

• [01:07 – 01:24] Jeff interjects cat sounds, claiming his cat is choking.
  • "My cat's choking on something." — Jeff (01:09)
  • Sarah is troubled and asks what the cat ate. Jeff insists, "Nothing out of the ordinary." (01:13)
• Sarah starts suspecting something is off, yet tries to help: offers to page the doctor, notes the situation sounds "not too good." (01:55)

4. Escalating Demands and Confusion

• [01:42 – 02:54] Jeff grows increasingly frantic and asks Sarah for several convoluted solutions:
  • Wants to bring the cat in immediately—even though no vet is present.
  • Suggests paging the vet, calling him via car phone, or having Sarah act as a middleman.
  • Makes excuses about being in a hurry ("I gotta get on the stagecoach to get down to the airport"—a deliberately absurd detail, 02:09).
  • Sarah patiently explains clinic protocols, repeatedly stating she is unqualified and unable to help more directly.

5. Classic Prank Reveal

• [03:09 – 03:49] The tension peaks as Jeff keeps making increasingly ridiculous comments (can't tell "what end [the noise] is coming out of", 03:23), and Sarah, still worried, urges him to "pull your cat away from the phone.” (03:27)
• Finally, Jeff reveals the gag:
  • "This is Jeff with the Bert Show at Q100 radio." (03:49)
• Sarah is stunned but relieved:
  • "Oh, my God. That poor kitty." (03:51)
  • Jeff: "And, of course, you've just been phone scammed." (03:58)
  • Sarah: "Great. That is one sick feline." (04:01)

6. Wrap-up & Signature Tag

• Jeff closes the segment with the Bert Show's catchphrase for phone pranks:
  • "We will. We will scam you here, Bircha." (04:10)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jeff (The prank caller):

  • "My cat's choking on something." (01:09)
  • "I'm packing. I gotta get on the stagecoach to get down to the airport, you know." (02:09) — A purposely odd, funny comment that signals the prank’s absurdity.
  • "I can't even tell what end it's coming out of, you know?" (03:23)

• Sarah (Receptionist):

  • "That doesn't sound too good." (01:55)
  • "Sir, pull your cat away from the phone, Sir." (03:27)
  • "[Surprised after the reveal] Oh, my God. That poor kitty." (03:51)
  • "Great. That is one sick feline." (04:01)

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Structure & Flow

The segment is a classic example of the Bert Show's irreverent humor and light-hearted mischief. Jeff masterfully ramps up the absurdity while Sarah admirably maintains professionalism and concern. The tension and confusion escalate in a way that makes the payoff ("You've just been phone scammed!") extra satisfying for listeners. Fans of the show will enjoy both the prankster’s creative improvisation and the genuinely kind response of the recipient.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00: Episode premise/setup
• 00:27: The call begins — introduction to Sarah
• 01:09: First mention of the cat "choking" — prank intensifies
• 01:42: Host’s increasingly elaborate requests
• 02:09: “Stagecoach to the airport” — peak absurdity
• 03:09 – 03:27: Prank reaches its comedic climax with Sarah’s worried comments
• 03:49: Prank reveal
• 04:01: Sarah’s relieved reaction
• 04:10: Signature Bert Show prank outro

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Tone & Style

The conversation is fast-paced and filled with the kind of deadpan, situational humor The Bert Show is known for. Jeff’s commitment to the bit and Sarah’s genuine concern make for a memorable, laugh-out-loud segment.

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Final Note:
If you enjoy witty improv, good-natured pranks, and genuine human moments, this "Phone Scam Sick Cat" episode is a stellar example of The Bert Show's signature style.

Transcript

[A]

Here, Birdsha. You're about to go out of town, your cat's really sick, and you need to talk to the vet immediately. So what do you do? You call the vet's office, you talk to whoever answers the phone, and you let them hear your grossly disgusting sounding cat over the phone.

[B]

Good morning. I'm at Mary Hospital.

[A]

Hello?

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hi, who's this?

[B]

This is Sarah.

[A]

Hi, Sarah. How are you?

[B]

Good, how are you?

[A]

Not doing too. So not doing too well here. Okay, having a crisis. I'm about to head out of town and I have a cat who is very sick, and I need to know if you guys. If I can bring her in right now or.

[B]

Actually, I'm just the receptionist. I'm opening up the clinic, but vet's not going to be here for another 45 minutes or so.

[A]

Oh, so there's nobody there right now?

[B]

No, it's just me. Was that your cat?

[A]

My cat's choking on something.

[B]

What did you feed it?

[A]

I fed it nothing out of the ordinary.

[B]

And it's making that noise on its own?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I mean, I don't know.

[B]

Well, like I said, the vet's not gonna be here for another 45 minutes. I can give you his pager number or I can. I can page him and have him.

[A]

Call you, or what I want to do is I want to bring the cat in there right now if I could.

[B]

Well, no one's here but me, sir, and I'm not really qualified to deal with a sick animal like that. Are you sure you didn't feed him anything out of the ordinary?

[A]

I don't think so. I mean, nothing that I normally wouldn't, you know.

[B]

Okay, because that doesn't sound too good.

[A]

Right? Is there a way that you could call the doctor? I'm packing. I gotta get on the stagecoach to get down to the airport. You know.

[B]

I can page the doctor and have him call you, but I.

[A]

Can you call the doctor for me and just tell the doctor the situation?

[B]

Well, he's probably already on his way, sir. Like I said, he.

[A]

Well, can you call him on his car phone?

[B]

No, I'd have to page him. I wouldn't be able to call him on his car phone.

[A]

Right. And when you page him, can you tell him what's going on, leave him a message and he'll call back?

[B]

No, what I would do is I would page him and then give him your phone number and he would call you back.

[A]

Don't have him call me back because I'm running around here.

[B]

Do you have a cell phone that I can give him. I mean, I can't do anything for you.

[A]

I'll tell you what you can do. Why don't you do this? Why don't you page him back to the clinic and then I'll call you back? Can you do that?

[B]

Page him to the clinic and call me?

[A]

Yeah, page him right back to where you are, and then I'll call you in a little while to touch base, you know?

[B]

No, no. What I'm saying, sir, is that.

[A]

Hello? Sarah.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Not funny. This is not funny.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's.

[A]

This is my.

[B]

It's unusual to hear a cat belch like that.

[A]

I don't think it's.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I don't think it's belching.

[B]

I'm sorry. What do you think it is?

[A]

Well, I can't even tell what end it's coming out of, you know?

[B]

Sir? Sir, pull your cat away from the phone, Sir. Hello? I don't believe this. Hello, sir?

[A]

Yes?

[B]

Are you there?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What'd you say your name was again?

[A]

This is Jeff with the Burt show at Q100 radio.

[B]

Oh, my God. That poor kitty.

[A]

And, of course, you've just been phone scammed.

[B]

Great. That is one sick feline.

[A]

We will. We will scam you here, Bircha.