The Bert Show | Vault: PT 1 - Hoss In Traffic

Date: November 20, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Hoss, and callers

Episode Overview

In this throwback “Vault” episode, the Bert Show team brings infectious morning energy as they introduce their newest producer, Hoss, who has just moved from Charlotte to Atlanta. The show’s main thread is a comedic setup: the Atlanta-born hosts challenge Hoss’s claim that Atlanta’s notorious traffic is no worse than Charlotte’s—by sending him on a rush-hour bagel run across town. Listeners call in to welcome Hoss, comment on his voice, and participate in the ongoing laugh-filled ribbing about Atlanta’s traffic and Hoss’s navigational prospects. The tone is lively, playful, and filled with good-natured teasing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet Hoss: The New Producer

• Introduction to Hoss

  • Hoss has joined the Bert Show from Charlotte just a couple of days ago and is tasked with being “out on the streets” producer.
  • The team jokes about his humble beginnings on MySpace, referencing early days with only two friends: “Even Tom denied me as a friend.” – Hoss (02:04)
  • Newfound popularity: “There are 976 friends now on Hoss MySpace page.” – Bert (02:13)

• Hoss’s Weekend in Atlanta

  • Light-hearted recounting of Hoss’s first days in town, including standing alone in a Georgia Tech fraternity house at 6AM.
  • “He actually had a day over the weekend that ended with him standing in the living room of a fraternity house somewhere on the Georgia Tech campus all alone at 6am. Welcome to Atlanta.” – Bert (02:44)

2. The Great Traffic Debate

• Comparing Atlanta and Charlotte

  • Hoss downplays Atlanta’s reputation for epic traffic, sparking playful skepticism.
  • Hoss estimates Charlotte’s population, but the numbers shift comically throughout the segment, highlighting his uncertainty:
    • “I want to think like, at least 2 million. Maybe a million.” – Hoss (03:18)

• Atlanta Traffic Population Signs

  • The hosts jokingly riff on the accuracy of population signs and their constantly changing numbers.
  • “There will be 19 million people in town by the end of today.” – Bert (03:59)

• Morning Show Schedules and Traffic Reality

  • The team notes they rarely encounter Atlanta’s worst traffic due to their early shift:
    • “One of the perks of being up so early is the fact that we don’t have traffic coming into work this early in the morning.” – Kristin (04:17)

3. The Bagel Run: Hoss’s Traffic Trial

• Setting Up the Task

  • With the regular deli under construction, the team sends Hoss to another location, theorizing he should easily make the round trip in 45 minutes according to MapQuest.
  • Team gives very specific directions and repeatedly insists, “there’s no traffic,” amid laughter and obvious irony.
    • “I already brought the linens.” – Kristin, playing up the ritual of office hospitality. (05:13)

• Hoss Resists, Team Persists

  • Hoss expresses mock dread about the trip:
    • “I absolutely hate you guys… because you’re going to put me out in traffic. Oh, god.” – Hoss (07:20)
  • Bert counters: “It’s not that bad. You said.” (07:27)
  • They calculate a return ETA of 8:15AM, with team bets about his likelihood of returning late due to navigational or traffic mishaps.

4. Listener Calls & Reactions

• Welcome and Encouragement

  • Callers phone in, highlighting the interactive nature of the show:
    • “I wanted to call and welcome Hoss to Atlanta… hope he is on a lot because his voice is so sexy.” – Chelsea (08:20–08:29)
  • The hosts joke about Hoss’s growing fanbase and Clinton-esque voice:
    • “Most are calling in an email and saying he’s got a Clinton-esque voice.” – Bert (08:34)

• Empathy (or Not) for Hoss

  • Another caller calls out the cruelty of sending a newcomer into rush hour:
    • “Y’all are so mean for sending him out. I drive 15 miles to work every morning and it takes me an hour.” – Michelle (09:28)
  • The team insists, tongue-in-cheek, that MapQuest says it takes 15 minutes.

• Team Bets on Hoss’s Return Time

  • The cast doubts Hoss’s navigational prowess, referencing a story about him getting lost during a routine ATM trip.
    • “Between traffic and following directions in a city he doesn’t know anything about… It may be 10 tomorrow.” – Bert (11:23–11:25)
  • Lighthearted suggestion: “He should put breadcrumbs out.” – Bert (11:25)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On MySpace Starting Struggles:

  • “Even Tom denied me as a friend.” – Hoss (02:04)

• On Atlanta’s Ever-Changing City Size:

  • “There will be 19 million people in town by the end of today.” – Bert (03:59)

• On Traffic Assignment:

  • “I absolutely hate you guys… because you’re going to put me out in traffic. Oh, god.” – Hoss (07:20)

• Listener Fan Base:

  • “His voice is so sexy. Oh, my.” – Chelsea, caller (08:29)

• Team’s Sarcastic Optimism:

  • “That’s not our problem. And there’s no traffic here. It’s just about the same as it is in Charlotte.” – Bert (09:44)

• On Hoss Getting Back On-Time:

  • “Like it may be 10 tomorrow!” – Bert (11:23)

Important Timestamps

• (01:32) – Episode opens with introduction to Hoss
• (02:44) – Hoss’s “welcome to Atlanta” story
• (03:09–04:17) – Discussion: Is Atlanta’s traffic really that bad?
• (05:13–07:13) – The team plots the bagel run, instructions, and jokes about Hoss’s impending trial
• (07:20) – Hoss voices dread about Atlanta traffic run
• (08:22–09:44) – Listeners call in: welcoming Hoss, ribbing about the challenge, and doubts about his return ETA
• (10:11–11:25) – Bets placed on when (and if) Hoss will return; past stories of getting lost

Recap & Tone

This highly entertaining episode showcases the Bert Show’s warmth, camaraderie, and prankish sense of humor as they initiate their newest member into the reality (and legend) of Atlanta’s commute. Listeners are swept up in the team’s friendly banter, regional inside jokes, and the evolving saga of Hoss navigating big city life. The episode is a breezy, engaging listen—bursting with authentic personalities and local flavor.