Vault: PT 1 - Hoss In Traffic

Summary

The Bert Show | Vault: PT 1 - Hoss In Traffic

Date: November 20, 2025
Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Hoss, and callers

Episode Overview

In this throwback “Vault” episode, the Bert Show team brings infectious morning energy as they introduce their newest producer, Hoss, who has just moved from Charlotte to Atlanta. The show’s main thread is a comedic setup: the Atlanta-born hosts challenge Hoss’s claim that Atlanta’s notorious traffic is no worse than Charlotte’s—by sending him on a rush-hour bagel run across town. Listeners call in to welcome Hoss, comment on his voice, and participate in the ongoing laugh-filled ribbing about Atlanta’s traffic and Hoss’s navigational prospects. The tone is lively, playful, and filled with good-natured teasing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet Hoss: The New Producer

• Introduction to Hoss

  • Hoss has joined the Bert Show from Charlotte just a couple of days ago and is tasked with being “out on the streets” producer.
  • The team jokes about his humble beginnings on MySpace, referencing early days with only two friends: “Even Tom denied me as a friend.” – Hoss (02:04)
  • Newfound popularity: “There are 976 friends now on Hoss MySpace page.” – Bert (02:13)

• Hoss’s Weekend in Atlanta

  • Light-hearted recounting of Hoss’s first days in town, including standing alone in a Georgia Tech fraternity house at 6AM.
  • “He actually had a day over the weekend that ended with him standing in the living room of a fraternity house somewhere on the Georgia Tech campus all alone at 6am. Welcome to Atlanta.” – Bert (02:44)

2. The Great Traffic Debate

• Comparing Atlanta and Charlotte

  • Hoss downplays Atlanta’s reputation for epic traffic, sparking playful skepticism.
  • Hoss estimates Charlotte’s population, but the numbers shift comically throughout the segment, highlighting his uncertainty:
    • “I want to think like, at least 2 million. Maybe a million.” – Hoss (03:18)

• Atlanta Traffic Population Signs

  • The hosts jokingly riff on the accuracy of population signs and their constantly changing numbers.
  • “There will be 19 million people in town by the end of today.” – Bert (03:59)

• Morning Show Schedules and Traffic Reality

  • The team notes they rarely encounter Atlanta’s worst traffic due to their early shift:
    • “One of the perks of being up so early is the fact that we don’t have traffic coming into work this early in the morning.” – Kristin (04:17)

3. The Bagel Run: Hoss’s Traffic Trial

• Setting Up the Task

  • With the regular deli under construction, the team sends Hoss to another location, theorizing he should easily make the round trip in 45 minutes according to MapQuest.
  • Team gives very specific directions and repeatedly insists, “there’s no traffic,” amid laughter and obvious irony.
    • “I already brought the linens.” – Kristin, playing up the ritual of office hospitality. (05:13)

• Hoss Resists, Team Persists

  • Hoss expresses mock dread about the trip:
    • “I absolutely hate you guys… because you’re going to put me out in traffic. Oh, god.” – Hoss (07:20)
  • Bert counters: “It’s not that bad. You said.” (07:27)
  • They calculate a return ETA of 8:15AM, with team bets about his likelihood of returning late due to navigational or traffic mishaps.

4. Listener Calls & Reactions

• Welcome and Encouragement

  • Callers phone in, highlighting the interactive nature of the show:
    • “I wanted to call and welcome Hoss to Atlanta… hope he is on a lot because his voice is so sexy.” – Chelsea (08:20–08:29)
  • The hosts joke about Hoss’s growing fanbase and Clinton-esque voice:
    • “Most are calling in an email and saying he’s got a Clinton-esque voice.” – Bert (08:34)

• Empathy (or Not) for Hoss

  • Another caller calls out the cruelty of sending a newcomer into rush hour:
    • “Y’all are so mean for sending him out. I drive 15 miles to work every morning and it takes me an hour.” – Michelle (09:28)
  • The team insists, tongue-in-cheek, that MapQuest says it takes 15 minutes.

• Team Bets on Hoss’s Return Time

  • The cast doubts Hoss’s navigational prowess, referencing a story about him getting lost during a routine ATM trip.
    • “Between traffic and following directions in a city he doesn’t know anything about… It may be 10 tomorrow.” – Bert (11:23–11:25)
  • Lighthearted suggestion: “He should put breadcrumbs out.” – Bert (11:25)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On MySpace Starting Struggles:

  • “Even Tom denied me as a friend.” – Hoss (02:04)

• On Atlanta’s Ever-Changing City Size:

  • “There will be 19 million people in town by the end of today.” – Bert (03:59)

• On Traffic Assignment:

  • “I absolutely hate you guys… because you’re going to put me out in traffic. Oh, god.” – Hoss (07:20)

• Listener Fan Base:

  • “His voice is so sexy. Oh, my.” – Chelsea, caller (08:29)

• Team’s Sarcastic Optimism:

  • “That’s not our problem. And there’s no traffic here. It’s just about the same as it is in Charlotte.” – Bert (09:44)

• On Hoss Getting Back On-Time:

  • “Like it may be 10 tomorrow!” – Bert (11:23)

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Important Timestamps

• (01:32) – Episode opens with introduction to Hoss
• (02:44) – Hoss’s “welcome to Atlanta” story
• (03:09–04:17) – Discussion: Is Atlanta’s traffic really that bad?
• (05:13–07:13) – The team plots the bagel run, instructions, and jokes about Hoss’s impending trial
• (07:20) – Hoss voices dread about Atlanta traffic run
• (08:22–09:44) – Listeners call in: welcoming Hoss, ribbing about the challenge, and doubts about his return ETA
• (10:11–11:25) – Bets placed on when (and if) Hoss will return; past stories of getting lost

---

Recap & Tone

This highly entertaining episode showcases the Bert Show’s warmth, camaraderie, and prankish sense of humor as they initiate their newest member into the reality (and legend) of Atlanta’s commute. Listeners are swept up in the team’s friendly banter, regional inside jokes, and the evolving saga of Hoss navigating big city life. The episode is a breezy, engaging listen—bursting with authentic personalities and local flavor.

Transcript

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[A]

Purchased product it's the Vert Show. Hoss. Hoss, Hoss. How you doing dude?

[C]

What's up man?

[A]

What's going on?

[C]

Everything's good. Everything's good.

[A]

For those of you that haven't been properly introduced to Hoss yet, Hoss is.

[B]

Our new Phil Tyranna. He is going to be out on the streets and doing all kinds of stuff and he is a new producer for the Bird show. Just joined us from Charlotte just a.

[A]

Couple of days ago. When he started his MySpace page, which is Hoss Burt show, there was what, one person on it? I think it was Jeff, maybe Jen Hobby. Also two people.

[C]

It's actually very sad to look at when it's a MySpace page that only has two friends. It's very sad to look at. Even Tom denied me as a friend.

[A]

There are 976 friends now on Hoss MySpace page.

[C]

I'm kind of a big deal now.

[A]

You really are. You are bigger than life, Hoss.

[C]

Exactly. Okay, Rod, he's so out of here. He's like, whatever.

[A]

He was so humble. Three days ago, the same guy that wouldn't come out of his apartment had no friends. Did you go out again last night?

[C]

No, I actually slept.

[A]

You did? Yeah, because it was a busy, busy, busy weekend for you.

[C]

It was. It was.

[B]

It was a Monday. So he's gotta have one reset day, and then the weekend starts again Tuesday.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. He actually had a day over the weekend that ended with him standing in the living room of a fraternity house somewhere on the Georgia Tech campus all alone at 6am welcome to Atlanta. I did. I did.

[A]

Pathetic. But we love it. So, Hoss, you said to us a couple of days ago, because people are complaining all the time about the traffic in Atlanta, that you didn't think it was really that much worse than it is in Charlotte? Like, was everybody making a big deal about.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, Charlotte has the same. I mean, well, not the same amount of people. I think Charlotte has, like, 3 million people. I want to think 2 or 3 million people.

[A]

Is it that much for Charlotte?

[C]

I want to think, like, at least 2 million. Maybe a million.

[A]

That's a genuine question that I just asked because. Listen to my voice. I didn't realize it was that big.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, it's. I mean, it's a pretty big city, but, yeah, I think it has, like, at least 2 million people. So what? How many people does Atlanta have?

[A]

Well, it depends. If you read that sign there on. On Petrie in front of the bank.

[B]

It'S almost five million people.

[A]

It'll be 12 million by the end of today. Almost four million. I mean, four and a half million.

[B]

I think it's. Yeah.

[C]

Closer to five. Yeah, it is approaching five. I don't know why you hate that sign, but I think it's.

[B]

It really is closer to five signs.

[A]

Not accurate. Changes by a million every hour.

[C]

No, it doesn't.

[A]

There will be 19 million people in town by the end of today.

[C]

Are you sure you're not looking at, like, the clock.

[B]

There'S?

[C]

1232 people here. Just afternoon.

[A]

Now you. I mean, you may be living in a bit of a vacuum here because the times that you're out on the road aren't the times that the traffic's generally pretty bad here.

[B]

Yeah, because, I mean, our schedule, one of the perks of being up so early is the fact that we don't have traffic coming into work this early in the morning. And then when we get off, and then we have meetings, whatever. Let's say it's, you know, noon, one o' clock and we leave here and there's no traffic there.

[C]

So I haven't hit too much. Haven't hit too much at all.

[A]

Okay, well, we want you at least to see some of it today. Maybe. I mean, it's not much, but maybe what we have, we would like you to sample. So we do need to send you out early this morning.

[C]

Well, great. Here's the thing is we've got some people coming into the studio. So as an effort to impress them, we would, you know, what we would normally do is just shoot right down to this restaurant down on Roswell Road called Goldberg's, get a platter of, like, bagels and some cream cheese and some orange juice, and we just have it set out and it's very hospitable. And they love that in Hobbyville. And that's what we do. You know, we learn that from Jen. We need to provide some. Some tasty treats for our guests.

[B]

And I already brought the linens and the. Yeah, right.

[A]

Jen started a bake sale a couple of weeks ago. It didn't go so well.

[C]

Now, the problem is the. The deli that we normally go to is under construction right now, so. So we're gonna have to go to their other location. And it's only, according to MapQuest, it's only 14 minutes away. Beautiful. So you should be able to leave now and get there, place the order, wait for the order, and get. Be back by how long? 8:30. I mean, that's an hour to go.

[A]

It's only 15 minutes. So he should technically be back 45.

[C]

Minutes, probably, but we'll give him 15 minutes in case he hits traffic.

[A]

There is no traffic, so traffic's not that bad.

[C]

So we'll say 8:15, 8:45. And just so you know how you get there. And I've written these directions down because we know you have a problem. Yeah.

[A]

Now promise you and Jack with them on the directions.

[C]

Absolutely not.

[A]

I'll write off a MapQuest, which always leaves you about a quarter Mile.

[C]

These are, these are my directions because I looked at MapQuest to see how many blocks away they would leave him.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But these are my directions. I know where this restaurant is. So, you know, I'll give them to you now, but they've written them down for you. Okay, he's gonna make a left out of the parking lot and then a left at the first traffic light. All right. And then another left. So left, left, left, right on to 285 West. How's that looking this morning, Jamie?

[A]

There's no traffic at all.

[C]

Okay, don't worry about it. You gotta take 285 west until it reaches merges with 75 and you're gonna get on 75 south. Okay. Another thumbs up, Jamie. No problem. 75 south. No problem.

[B]

It's definitely not one of the worst intersections in the country that they listed yesterday in the paper, right?

[C]

Yeah, don't worry about it.

[A]

No, I don't recall reading that.

[B]

No, I didn't read it either.

[C]

So you're gonna go on 75 south and you're, I mean you're going down there maybe three miles, no problem. You'll get off at the Paces Ferry Road exit, pick up the bagels. And you know what, if you get frustrated on the way out there, which I'm sure you won't, cause there's no traffic. But if you get frustrated, just give us a call and I'll give you the directions back through Buckhead. No problem.

[B]

No big deal. Yeah, I mean, the worst thing is, you know, a little rain on your windshield maybe. No big deal.

[C]

And the good thing is when it rains like this, everybody generally slows down a little bit. So it'll be easier, you won't have to wor. Worry about.

[B]

It was smooth.

[C]

Yeah. I absolutely hate you guys.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because you're going to put me out in traffic. Oh, God.

[A]

It's not that bad. You said.

[C]

Well, what time is it? What time is it?

[A]

7:30. Traffic's over. Yeah. Everybody in Atlanta gets into work at.

[C]

The park and I think, I don't know, I'm not. I mean, I'm never on the roads at this time, but I know that if you go 285 west and 75 south, you're going to be going against the flow. Okay, probably cool. Yeah. I'll pass those over to him. Okay.

[A]

It's not that bad. Don't worry about it.

[B]

It really is the direction.

[C]

It's comparable to Charlotte.

[B]

It's not like he's trying to give you the wrong directions or something. That really is the directions.

[C]

Okay, cool.

[A]

All right, so we'll see you about 8:15.

[C]

All right. Okay, sweet.

[A]

All right, man. See you.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Bye. Have a good time. Adios.

[B]

Make sure you have your phone so we can touch base.

[C]

I got it.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Is the battery charge? We kind of were stung by that, by the last guy.

[B]

It actually is against the flow of traffic.

[A]

It is against the flow of traffic, so he should be fine.

[B]

Pace is ferry.

[C]

No problem.

[A]

What's up, Chelsea? How are you this morning?

[C]

I'm doing well, how are you?

[A]

Good, thank you.

[B]

I wanted to call and welcome Hoss to Atlanta.

[C]

And I just wanted to say I.

[B]

Hope he is on a lot because his voice is so sexy. Oh, my.

[A]

Most are calling in an email and saying he's got a Clinton esque voice.

[C]

Oh, it's this. I love it.

[B]

Have you been to his MySpace page yet?

[C]

I have not because my Internet's been out.

[B]

But it's killing me. I gotta see what this guy looks like. You gotta see his picture. I think you'll like him.

[A]

Yeah, there's a reason why he has almost a thousand friends already. The dude's gonna do just fine.

[C]

Oh, man, it's great. It makes my morning.

[A]

Well.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right, cool.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Appreciate it. Hands on the table and on the steering wheel now.

[A]

10 and 2. Keep them at 10 and 2. Don't go past 3 o' clock. And not before 9 o'.

[B]

Clock. That's right. It's quite 6 o' clock yet.

[A]

Go check out Hoss. He is online right now. We've linked on over to his MySpace page from all the hits. Q100 dot com. Good morning, Michelle. You are on Q100. How are you?

[C]

Good. How are y'?

[B]

All?

[A]

Good, thank you.

[C]

Good. Well, I just wanted to call and.

[B]

Tell you guys y' all are so.

[C]

Mean for sending him out. I drive 15 miles to work every morning and it takes me an hour.

[A]

Well, you obviously aren't using MapQuest because MapQuest says it'll only take 15 minutes.

[B]

Obviously not.

[A]

So that's not our problem. And there's no traffic here. It's pretty. It's just about the same as it is in Charlotte.

[C]

Oh, he is about to get the.

[B]

Thrill of his life driving through this.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I want to know how many people are in Charlotte because it went from three to four to two to. I didn't know. I didn't realize Charlotte was that big.

[A]

I didn't think it was that big. Biggest city.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the population fluctuates in millions within minutes.

[B]

Yeah. Now, did Charlotte make that worst traffic list yesterday?

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't remember seeing Charlotte. Okay. I was checking.

[A]

We'll see him back here at 8:15. Now he can't hear us right now. You guys want to try to predict what time he gets back?

[B]

He's on my way back before the show.

[A]

Not before.

[B]

I don't think he'll be back before 10. I'll tell you, the traffic on the freeways that he's actually going like 2:85 west is really not that bad. It slows a little bit of Roswell Road. What's gonna take him the longest is just to get to 285 from the Glenridge Johnson Ferry 400 area. He's gonna take the longest.

[A]

He's supposed to be back here by 8:15. I wonder even if he gets to the highway by 8:15 and that's only what, a quarter of a mile away.

[B]

Is that we say that's gonna be the worst. I think the worst is gonna be the first left out of our parking lot. Exactly.

[C]

Here's what I'm willing to bet happens. Because. And I was just. I was talking to him or whatever, I went ahead and ordered bagels, but I'm thinking about it. We probably should have gotten lunch, huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But did we even talk about his trek to the ATM when the DirecTV guy was at his house?

[A]

No, but we'll have him back on and he can relay the story.

[C]

His hawk has a little bit of a getting lost problem. Yeah.

[B]

That's why I don't think he'll be back before 10.

[C]

A little bit of it.

[B]

Because between traffic and following directions in a city he doesn't know anything about.

[A]

Like it may be 10 tomorrow.

[B]

He should put breadcrumbs out.

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