Vault: PT 2 - Hoss In Traffic

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: PT 2 - Hoss In Traffic

Air Date: November 20, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Featured Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen Fallon, Traffic Reporter
Theme:
A comedic real-life segment as Hoss, the “new guy” on the Bert Show, is tasked with a simple bagel run only to find himself hopelessly lost in Atlanta traffic—a hallmark of his initiation into both the city and the crew. This episode highlights Atlanta’s infamous navigation hurdles, camaraderie, gentle ribbing, and the challenge of directions in a big city.

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Episode Overview

Hoss, the newest show member and recent arrival from a small town near Charlotte, is sent on a supposedly simple bagel run. What follows is a hilariously derailed journey through Atlanta’s labyrinthine streets and highways, with the rest of the Bert Show cast attempting (and mostly failing) to guide him back on-air. The team’s banter and Hoss’s befuddlement provide both laughs and a tongue-in-cheek exploration of “big city” traffic woes.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting the Scene: The Bagel Challenge (02:03–02:55)

• Hoss, having claimed that Atlanta traffic isn’t any worse than Charlotte, is sent from the studio to a nearby bagel shop and back—MapQuest says it should take 15 minutes.
• Cast members and listeners check in, waiting for his return.
• Notable detail: Hoss’s first big on-air assignment is meant to be a rite of passage and a practical joke.

2. Lost in the City: Geographic Mayhem and Team Banter (02:56–06:17)

• Hoss admits to being lost:
  Hoss: “Dude, I think I'm lost.” (02:56)
• It’s quickly revealed that, despite earlier claims, he does NOT have the bagels:
  Hoss (joking): “No, I’m just playing. I don’t have the bagels. I’m somewhere over, like, by Georgia Tech.” (03:07)
• Studio confusion grows over whether Hoss has bagels and where he actually is.
• Directions are debated, and it remains unclear if Hoss is near Georgia Tech, Lenox Mall, or somewhere else entirely—further confused by Hoss identifying stores like Neiman Marcus and Abercrombie as being on a “university campus.”
  Bert Show Host (joking about Atlanta’s malls): “This is the fanciest looking campus I’ve ever seen in my life. They have a Neiman Marcus.” (04:34)

3. Navigational Disaster: Real-Time Traffic Troubles (04:50–06:58)

• Hoss provides live updates about street signs and road numbers, but nothing helps pinpoint his location.
• Hoss describes the intimidating scale of Atlanta’s highways:
  Hoss: “How many lanes are on the freeway where you are?”
  Hoss: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. And then an HOV.” (05:15)
• Multiple team members try to issue conflicting directions—turning the segment into a comedic, chaotic echo of Atlanta’s real navigation woes.
  Traffic Reporter (about Atlanta highway lingo): “The only people who call it the west side perimeter are traffic reports.” (05:56)
• Hoss is eventually directed towards “20 West, Birmingham,” with traffic reporters and Jen alternately threatening that he might end up in Alabama or “a different state.”
  Weather banter:
  Jen Fallon: “Let’s send him 20 west because I like the chance that he could end up in a different state.” (06:38)
  Traffic Reporter: “Different state or the ocean.”

4. The Crew’s Verdict: Hopeless, Yet Hilarious (06:59–07:11)

• Multiple on-air voices attempt to clarify directions, but the consensus is that Hoss is destined for further mishap.
  Hoss: “I think that I need to answer east or west. East or west?” (06:55)
  Traffic Reporter: “West. West.” (07:00)
• The segment ends with the team wishing Hoss luck and preparing to take his next “on location” call.
• The crew and traffic reporter mock their own and Hoss’s confusion with characteristic Bert Show warmth.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Hoss (on Atlanta signage): “Man, all y’all signs are stupid. They don’t tell you anything.” (04:20)
• Bert Show Host (on Atlanta mall/campus confusion): “This is the fanciest looking campus I’ve ever seen in my life. They have a Neiman Marcus. An Abercrombie right in the middle of the quad.” (04:34)
• Traffic Reporter: “Once he gets on 285 north heading up the west side perimeter, I give him at least an hour and a half to get to 400.” (05:48)
• Traffic Reporter: “The only people who call it the west side perimeter are traffic reports.” (05:56)
• Jen Fallon (on directions): “Let’s send him 20 west because I like the chance that he could end up in a different state.” (06:38)
• Hoss (resigned): “Somebody help me try to get back.” (04:52)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:03 — Hoss sets out, challenge explained
• 02:55–03:07 — Hoss gets lost; bagel update
• 04:34 — Mistakes Lenox Mall for a university campus
• 05:15 — Hoss counts Atlanta highway lanes, gets more lost
• 05:56 — In-jokes about Atlanta traffic nomenclature
• 06:38–06:59 — Directions become farcical (“different state or ocean”)
• 07:02 — Hoss is officially dispatched “West, toward Birmingham”

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Tone & Style

The episode is light-hearted, featuring the classic Bert Show blend of gentle ribbing, banter, and authentic moments of confusion. Hoss’s candid bewilderment and the cast’s playful frustration make for relatable and laugh-out-loud morning radio energy.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This installment is a must-listen for anyone who enjoys real-life, ensemble comedy rooted in everyday challenges. Hoss’s Atlanta traffic odyssey is a stand-alone comedic saga, perfectly capturing the show’s authenticity, camaraderie, and the ever-present perils of city navigation.

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Transcript

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[Vert Show Host]

It's the Vert Show. Christy, good Morning. You're on Q100. What's going on?

[Traffic Reporter]

Good morning, Vert Show.

[Hayden]

How are you?

[Hoss]

Well, I was just calling to see if Haas is back, because he should be there in like, four minutes, right? Yes. Yeah. So we need an update on Haas.

[Traffic Reporter]

Definitely.

[Vert Show Host]

Yeah. That's not my clock. That's a MapQuest clock. And if you weren't listening earlier this morning, Hoss, he's the newest member of the Bird Show. He's from Charlotte, from a little town outside of Charlotte called Stuckeyville or something like that. And he said that, you know, the traffic here is basically the same as it is in Charlotte, because we've got.

[Traffic Reporter]

Reports that Charlotte's either 4 million people, 3 million people, one there. It's a fluctuating city that obviously has bad traffic.

[Vert Show Host]

So we sent him out to, what was it?

[Traffic Reporter]

Goldberg's?

[Vert Show Host]

Einstein's. One of those places should have taken him, according to MapQuest, 15 minutes to get back to Q100. And we sent him out at 7:30. And let's find out where he is right now. Hey, Hoss.

[Hoss]

Yo.

[Vert Show Host]

How's that. That Atlanta traffic, dude, I think I'm lost.

[Hers Representative]

Really?

[Traffic Reporter]

Oh, no. You don't have the bagels yet?

[Hoss]

Oh, yeah, I've got the bagels.

[Traffic Reporter]

Oh, you do? Okay, good.

[Hoss]

No, I'm just playing. I don't have the bagels. I'm somewhere over, like, by Georgia Tech. Okay, is that good or a bad thing?

[Vert Show Host]

Now, hold on a second. Now, the direction said. Have those directions over there, Jen, because.

[Traffic Reporter]

No, they're nowhere around here. He may have missed the paces Fearing exit. If he's down by Georgia Tech.

[Vert Show Host]

Yeah, Jeff Hos just called and saying that he's down at Georgia Tech.

[Jen Fallon]

Yeah, he's not. Did he get the bagels?

[Vert Show Host]

He doesn't even have the bagels yet.

[Traffic Reporter]

Don't even have the bagels. Oh, well, he never made it over there.

[Jen Fallon]

Do you or don't you have the bagels?

[Hoss]

I do.

[Vert Show Host]

You do have the bagels.

[Jen Fallon]

Okay, so you got the bagels and I'm.

[Hoss]

Yeah, I got the bagels.

[Jen Fallon]

And when you got back on the highway. Yeah. What. What highway did you get on?

[Hoss]

75.

[Jen Fallon]

Going which direction? North. There's no way you got on 75 north. You're going 75 south.

[Vert Show Host]

Dude, didn't you tell me? Didn't you tell me 75 south at.

[Jen Fallon]

First 75 south to get there.

[Vert Show Host]

And then when you get home, if.

[Jen Fallon]

Somebody tells you to go south to get there.

[Hoss]

I saw the sign. It said 70 north, this way, and so I took that way. And how in the hell did I end up on 75 South?

[Vert Show Host]

Jen Fallon.

[Traffic Reporter]

The other day he told me that he was Atlanta.

[Hoss]

Man, all y' all signs are stupid.

[Traffic Reporter]

They don't tell you anything. The other day he told me that.

[T Mobile Salesperson]

He was at Georgia Tech and he.

[Traffic Reporter]

Was at Lenox Mall. So I think he thinks everything is Georgia Tech. So don't believe him. He might be at Lennox right now.

[Vert Show Host]

This is the fanciest looking campus I've ever seen in my life. They have a Neiman Marcus.

[Smash Daddy]

Wow.

[Vert Show Host]

An Abercrombie right in the middle of the quad.

[Jen Fallon]

I'm down here at the university.

[Smash Daddy]

Let me go to the food court now.

[Jen Fallon]

Gotta run over to Ralph Lauren and get a shirt.

[Traffic Reporter]

What road are you on right now?

[Hoss]

Dude, Somebody help me. Try to get back.

[Vert Show Host]

Yeah, Massey's gonna do that. How does it get back?

[Traffic Reporter]

What road are you on right now?

[Hoss]

I'm about to pass about 248C.

[Traffic Reporter]

248C.

[Jen Fallon]

You're down by Phillips Arena.

[Vert Show Host]

Dude.

[Hoss]

Dude, I have no idea where I'm at. I'm about to go under a bridge with a bunch of lights, and it's.

[Traffic Reporter]

Kind of scary how many lanes are on the freeway where you are.

[Hoss]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. And then a HOV.

[Jen Fallon]

Yeah, he's down in Philadelphia.

[Hoss]

This is my Freedom Parkway. Carter Center.

[Smash Daddy]

Freedom Parkway.

[Traffic Reporter]

He's about to hit 20.

[Hayden]

Yeah, what's that? Yeah, he's just past Courtland.

[Hoss]

All right, how do I get back?

[Traffic Reporter]

Now, what's really bad is that when he turns around and takes the connector northbound.

[Jen Fallon]

No, let's do. Let's bring him home down 20. Because if he's going to see the.

[Traffic Reporter]

Highway 20 to 285 and then wrap 285 around, do you really want to set him up the west side perimeter?

[Jen Fallon]

How's 20 looking?

[Traffic Reporter]

20 out. 285, not that bad. Once he gets on 285 north heading up the west side perimeter, I give him at least an hour and a.

[Vert Show Host]

Half to get to 400.

[Jen Fallon]

Just so you know, the only people who call it the west side perimeter are traffic reports.

[Traffic Reporter]

Right, Exactly. The west side of 285. Okay. The perimeter that goes around the 285, that all of a sudden says north, even though it's really going west. Yeah, right. It depends on where you're at. That's So I hear.

[Hoss]

I see 20 right now.

[Jen Fallon]

All right, get on 20. Which way?

[Traffic Reporter]

Take 20 West Augusta and Birmingham.

[Vert Show Host]

One person, give him direction.

[Traffic Reporter]

West or east? Either way screwed.

[Vert Show Host]

What's the quickest way to get back?

[Jen Fallon]

East, isn't it?

[Traffic Reporter]

Well, if he goes east, he's going to go out towards Conyers, and if he goes west, he's going to go towards Alabama.

[Vert Show Host]

Well, neither one. Neither one of those are a good way to get back to the radio.

[Jen Fallon]

Let's send him. Let's send him 20 west because I like the chance that he could end up in a different state. So if.

[Traffic Reporter]

Different state or the ocean.

[Jen Fallon]

Now you're going to go 20 west until you hit 285.

[Traffic Reporter]

So Birmingham. He needs to go toward Birmingham.

[Jen Fallon]

Yes, 20 west.

[Traffic Reporter]

Why. Why don't you just have him turn around and head up the connector and get on 400 northbound.

[Hoss]

I think that I need to answer east or west. East or west?

[Vert Show Host]

Yes, west.

[Traffic Reporter]

West. West.

[Hers Representative]

Birmingham.

[Traffic Reporter]

Go toward Birmingham.

[Hoss]

Move over, people.

[Vert Show Host]

Go to Birmingham. Towards Birmingham.

[Hayden]

Uhoh. All right.

[Hoss]

I'm all right.

[Vert Show Host]

Call us in a couple of minutes.

[Traffic Reporter]

You guys realize what you've done now, right?

[Vert Show Host]

It's the vert show.

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[Traffic Reporter]

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[Hayden]

Welcome to gift wrapping.

[Smash Daddy]

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[T Mobile Salesperson]

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[Vert Show Host]

Wow.

[Hayden]

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[T Mobile Salesperson]

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[Hayden]

I'm the worst. I only got my mom a robe.

[T Mobile Salesperson]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Hayden]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[T Mobile Salesperson]

No @t mobile. There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Hayden]

Incredible.

[T Mobile Salesperson]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too, for my aunt Rosa. Forget that. Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Hayden]

Sounds like my family drama.

[T Mobile Salesperson]

Oh, I got it. I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with hey where are you going?

[Smash Daddy]

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