The Bert Show – Vault: PT 2 - Hoss In Traffic

Air Date: November 20, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Featured Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen Fallon, Traffic Reporter
Theme:
A comedic real-life segment as Hoss, the “new guy” on the Bert Show, is tasked with a simple bagel run only to find himself hopelessly lost in Atlanta traffic—a hallmark of his initiation into both the city and the crew. This episode highlights Atlanta’s infamous navigation hurdles, camaraderie, gentle ribbing, and the challenge of directions in a big city.

Episode Overview

Hoss, the newest show member and recent arrival from a small town near Charlotte, is sent on a supposedly simple bagel run. What follows is a hilariously derailed journey through Atlanta’s labyrinthine streets and highways, with the rest of the Bert Show cast attempting (and mostly failing) to guide him back on-air. The team’s banter and Hoss’s befuddlement provide both laughs and a tongue-in-cheek exploration of “big city” traffic woes.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting the Scene: The Bagel Challenge (02:03–02:55)

• Hoss, having claimed that Atlanta traffic isn’t any worse than Charlotte, is sent from the studio to a nearby bagel shop and back—MapQuest says it should take 15 minutes.
• Cast members and listeners check in, waiting for his return.
• Notable detail: Hoss’s first big on-air assignment is meant to be a rite of passage and a practical joke.

2. Lost in the City: Geographic Mayhem and Team Banter (02:56–06:17)

• Hoss admits to being lost:
  Hoss: “Dude, I think I'm lost.” (02:56)
• It’s quickly revealed that, despite earlier claims, he does NOT have the bagels:
  Hoss (joking): “No, I’m just playing. I don’t have the bagels. I’m somewhere over, like, by Georgia Tech.” (03:07)
• Studio confusion grows over whether Hoss has bagels and where he actually is.
• Directions are debated, and it remains unclear if Hoss is near Georgia Tech, Lenox Mall, or somewhere else entirely—further confused by Hoss identifying stores like Neiman Marcus and Abercrombie as being on a “university campus.”
  Bert Show Host (joking about Atlanta’s malls): “This is the fanciest looking campus I’ve ever seen in my life. They have a Neiman Marcus.” (04:34)

3. Navigational Disaster: Real-Time Traffic Troubles (04:50–06:58)

• Hoss provides live updates about street signs and road numbers, but nothing helps pinpoint his location.
• Hoss describes the intimidating scale of Atlanta’s highways:
  Hoss: “How many lanes are on the freeway where you are?”
  Hoss: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. And then an HOV.” (05:15)
• Multiple team members try to issue conflicting directions—turning the segment into a comedic, chaotic echo of Atlanta’s real navigation woes.
  Traffic Reporter (about Atlanta highway lingo): “The only people who call it the west side perimeter are traffic reports.” (05:56)
• Hoss is eventually directed towards “20 West, Birmingham,” with traffic reporters and Jen alternately threatening that he might end up in Alabama or “a different state.”
  Weather banter:
  Jen Fallon: “Let’s send him 20 west because I like the chance that he could end up in a different state.” (06:38)
  Traffic Reporter: “Different state or the ocean.”

4. The Crew’s Verdict: Hopeless, Yet Hilarious (06:59–07:11)

• Multiple on-air voices attempt to clarify directions, but the consensus is that Hoss is destined for further mishap.
  Hoss: “I think that I need to answer east or west. East or west?” (06:55)
  Traffic Reporter: “West. West.” (07:00)
• The segment ends with the team wishing Hoss luck and preparing to take his next “on location” call.
• The crew and traffic reporter mock their own and Hoss’s confusion with characteristic Bert Show warmth.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Hoss (on Atlanta signage): “Man, all y’all signs are stupid. They don’t tell you anything.” (04:20)
• Bert Show Host (on Atlanta mall/campus confusion): “This is the fanciest looking campus I’ve ever seen in my life. They have a Neiman Marcus. An Abercrombie right in the middle of the quad.” (04:34)
• Traffic Reporter: “Once he gets on 285 north heading up the west side perimeter, I give him at least an hour and a half to get to 400.” (05:48)
• Traffic Reporter: “The only people who call it the west side perimeter are traffic reports.” (05:56)
• Jen Fallon (on directions): “Let’s send him 20 west because I like the chance that he could end up in a different state.” (06:38)
• Hoss (resigned): “Somebody help me try to get back.” (04:52)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:03 — Hoss sets out, challenge explained
• 02:55–03:07 — Hoss gets lost; bagel update
• 04:34 — Mistakes Lenox Mall for a university campus
• 05:15 — Hoss counts Atlanta highway lanes, gets more lost
• 05:56 — In-jokes about Atlanta traffic nomenclature
• 06:38–06:59 — Directions become farcical (“different state or ocean”)
• 07:02 — Hoss is officially dispatched “West, toward Birmingham”

Tone & Style

The episode is light-hearted, featuring the classic Bert Show blend of gentle ribbing, banter, and authentic moments of confusion. Hoss’s candid bewilderment and the cast’s playful frustration make for relatable and laugh-out-loud morning radio energy.

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This installment is a must-listen for anyone who enjoys real-life, ensemble comedy rooted in everyday challenges. Hoss’s Atlanta traffic odyssey is a stand-alone comedic saga, perfectly capturing the show’s authenticity, camaraderie, and the ever-present perils of city navigation.