Vault: Really Bad Tiger Woods Jokes.

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: Really Bad Tiger Woods Jokes

Date: May 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lighthearted episode of The Bert Show dives into a bizarre and hilarious vault of Tiger Woods jokes originally sent in by listeners during the height of Tiger’s infamous scandal. Bert, Elaine, and various caller-regulars take turns reading through intentionally "bad" jokes, adding their own wisecracks and commentary. The tone is playful, self-deprecating, and at times groan-worthy, with most participants readily acknowledging the utter cheesiness of the humor. The crew also touches on public reactions to the Tiger Woods news, with a brief segment discussing media coverage and the fallout from his admissions.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. The Joke List Begins

[01:32–03:00]

• Bert introduces a curated list of Tiger Woods jokes sent in by listeners:
  • Bert admits upfront: “Some of these are so stupid, but some of them are okay.”
• Elaine expresses relief that Bert is reading them, not her.

Sample Jokes & Banter

• Bert: “The Chinese already are making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They’re calling it ‘Scratching Swede Lying Tiger.’” [01:46]
• The group groans at the puns, clearly aware of the low bar for these gags.

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2. Callers Join in with More Jokes

[03:01–04:44]

• Guy Caller reads his own jokes and clarifies, “No, these are from listeners.”
• The crew samples “breaking news” style Tiger one-liners:
  • “Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars—now he has a hole in one.” [03:07]
  • “Breaking news: Tiger putts into the wrong hole.” [03:16]
• Elaine riffs: “Phil Nicholson called Tiger’s wife and asked how to beat him.”
  • (Bert and Elaine debate whether it’s ‘Nicholson’ or ‘Mickelson,’ descending into middle school-level humor.)

Memorable Moments

• Bert reacts to the quality: “This last one—that are too embarrassed to come on the air and do it themselves.” [03:31]
• Elaine: “We all went to middle school with Phil Nicholson.” [03:50]

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3. More Listener Jokes and Topical Groans

[04:45–05:12]

• Burt asks if they’ve finally “purged” enough bad Tiger jokes.
• Elaine’s fake news headline:
  • “Tiger apologizes to supporters for poor putter performance. Promises to wash his balls and keep them out of the rough from now on.” [04:48]
• The cast notes which jokes (barely) earned genuine laughs.

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4. Brief Segment: Real Reactions to the Woods Scandal

[05:13–06:27]

• Hank (caller) voices skepticism about the allegations:
  • “I’m just seeing a bunch of women that want a couple hundred thousand dollars.” [05:19]
  • Elaine and Bert clarify Tiger’s public admissions: “You know he admitted it on his website yesterday, right?” [05:28]
• Group debates: Does the number of transgressions matter?
  • Bert: “So what one changes it for you? If it’s six, that changes things, and if it’s one, it’s a different story?” [05:44]
• Elaine quips: “Make it legit so you can go full 18 holes.” [06:17] (Laughter follows.)

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5. Finale: One Last Joke, Show Wraps

[06:28–06:46]

• Elaine (caller segment):
  • “Hey, I have a Tiger joke…I can say I outdrove Tiger.” [06:27]
• Bert wryly confirms the show is “The Bert Show,” further reinforcing the playful, tongue-in-cheek nature of the episode.

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Notable Quotes

• Bert [01:32]: “Here’s a list that was sent to us a couple of minutes ago. Okay. Oh no. Some of these are so stupid, but some of them are okay.”
• Elaine [03:50]: “We all went to middle school with Phil Nicholson.”
• Guy Caller [03:06]: “Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.”
• Elaine [04:44]: “Tiger apologizes to supporters for poor putter performance. Promises to wash his balls and keep them out of the rough from now on.”
• Hank [05:19]: “I’m just seeing a bunch of women that want a couple hundred thousand dollars.”
• Bert [05:44]: “So what one changes it for you? If it’s six, that changes things, and if it’s one, it’s a different story?”

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Memorable Moments & Observations

• The cast’s willingness to acknowledge how cringeworthy the jokes are (“These are really bad.” – Female Caller [04:01]).
• Spontaneous banter and derailing for the sake of puns or correcting each other’s golf knowledge.
• A surprisingly sharp topical joke from Elaine about “going full 18 holes” [06:17], which gets a real laugh from Bert.
• Frequent mention that most material was listener-submitted—adding to the show’s interactive, communal spirit.
• Several gags revolving around golf and Tiger’s scandalous behavior—no harsh edge, just relentless puns.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Start of jokes: [01:32]
• Listeners call in their jokes: [03:03]
• Elaine’s headline on putter performance: [04:48]
• Discussion about Tiger’s admissions/scandal: [05:13]
• Elaine’s 18 holes joke: [06:17]
• Closing Tiger joke: [06:27]

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This episode is a classic Bert Show blend of irreverent humor and honest reactions, held together by a steady stream of bad puns, playful teasing, and a healthy dose of self-awareness regarding the sheer cheesiness of “bad joke” radio.

Transcript

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[Show Announcer]

You're on the Burt Show.

[Burt]

Here's a list that was sent to us a couple of minutes ago. Okay. Oh, no. Some of these are so stupid, but some of them are okay.

[Elaine]

I'm so happy you're reading the list and not me.

[Burt]

The Chinese already are making a movie about Tiger Woods. Crash. They're calling it Scratching Swede Lying Tiger.

[Female Caller]

Oh, wow.

[Burt]

That's probably the best. Why did Tiger woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?

[Guy Caller]

Why?

[Burt]

He couldn't decide between an iron or a wood. Iron and wood.

[Female Caller]

Iron Hydrant. Wood tree.

[Guy Caller]

I've got one. I'm just reading.

[Burt]

Go for it, tiger.

[Guy Caller]

Wood Sing song. All you swinging ladies all you swinging ladies now put your hands up for swinging ladies.

[Burt]

Which club did Ellen use? To rescue her husband, a bitching wedge. Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. His new name, Cheetah. Because he was cheating. Come on, people. What do Tiger woods and baby seals have in common? Oh, man, this one's bad.

[Female Caller]

Something about getting clubbed.

[Burt]

Yeah, they're both clubbed by Norwegians.

[Female Caller]

Oh, my God. Damn.

[Hank]

Damn.

[Guy Caller]

I got a few.

[Burt]

Really? This is what you want in on?

[Guy Caller]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Guy Caller]

Tiger woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

[Burt]

Now he's got a hole in one.

[Guy Caller]

Breaking news. Tiger putts into the wrong hole.

[Female Caller]

These are not good.

[Elaine]

Did you make these up?

[Female Caller]

Yeah.

[Guy Caller]

That's what I have to do while I'm in there.

[Elaine]

You really made these up?

[Guy Caller]

No, these are from listeners. Okay.

[Burt]

This last one that are too embarrassed to come on the air and do it themselves.

[Elaine]

I gotta be at the Voice. Discover I need a fake name. I have a Tiger joke.

[Guy Caller]

All right. Phil Nicholson called Tiger's wife and asked how to beat him.

[Elaine]

It's Mikkelsen.

[Burt]

It's the best we got.

[Female Caller]

What did she say?

[Elaine]

She said, nicholson.

[Burt]

Nicholson. Nicholson. What can I.

[Elaine]

We all went to middle school with Phil Nicholson.

[Burt]

Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.

[Female Caller]

These are really bad.

[Guy Caller]

Here's another one.

[Female Caller]

Are there any funny ones? Are there any ones that have genuinely made you laugh when you read them?

[Guy Caller]

Guess Tiger woods took the Nike slogan tagline too seriously. He just. He did just do it.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Female Caller]

Are you rocking back and forth? Cause you're proud.

[Burt]

You thought that was fun?

[Commercial Narrator 3]

I thought it was pretty good.

[Burt]

Hey, Chris. Good morning.

[Hank]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Good morning.

[Hank]

Apparently, the only person that can beat Tiger woods with a golf club is his wife.

[Burt]

That one's good.

[Elaine]

Tiger's wife used the wedge to beat out the SUV windows, which is normally used to get out of tight spots and unplayable lies.

[Hank]

What was that?

[Female Caller]

That was clever.

[Commercial Narrator 2]

Is that it?

[Burt]

Have we purged? Is that it?

[Elaine]

Tiger apology.

[Female Caller]

We spent time doing this.

[Elaine]

Tiger apologizes to supporters for poor putter performance. Promises to wash his balls and keep him out of the rough from now on.

[Burt]

Washing the balls is kind of funny. Dude, that's it.

[Elaine]

And keep him out of the rough from now on.

[Commercial Narrator 2]

Oh, so sorry.

[Elaine]

You can't even run the laugh track.

[Burt]

Jason, go ahead. You're on Q100.

[Hank]

Yeah, I'm just had a comment about the whole Tiger woods thing.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Hank]

And what I'm hearing is, like, all these women that are coming forward saying, he did this, but I'm not seeing the proof. I'm just seeing a bunch of women that you know on a couple hundred thousand dollars.

[Elaine]

Other than his admission.

[Burt]

Yeah. You know he admitted it on his website yesterday, right?

[Hank]

About every single one of them.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Elaine]

It was plural.

[Female Caller]

Apologize for his transgressions.

[Burt]

S with an S. Well, I could

[Hank]

have been with the same girl though. You never know.

[Burt]

So.

[Guy Caller]

So that's okay.

[Burt]

Okay, so what one changes it for you? If it's. If it's six, that changes things. And if it's one, it's a different story.

[Hank]

You guys were saying that earlier. If it's just one, you know, you talk to your wife and you're like, yeah, I messed up. But when it comes to six or seven. But you don't know that there's.

[Burt]

Alright, Bert, I don't think. I don't think we're done hearing about these today. Which to me is like sort of like that's kind of cowardly. Now if you're a woman and you got five women that have already come out saying that they slept with Tiger woods, the damage is done. If you're the sixth woman, nobody cares. If you're the eighth woman, nobody cares.

[Elaine]

Make it legit so you can go full 18 holes.

[Female Caller]

He gave you an actual laugh.

[Elaine]

Yeah, I'm not proud of that.

[Burt]

Good morning, Elaine. You're on Q100. Hey, I have a tiger joke. Okay. I can say I outdrove tiger. She outdrove tiger. Listen, it's the bird show.

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