Vault: Santa Scared Straight

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault – Santa Scared Straight

Episode Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast by: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, & The Bert Show Cast

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Overview

In this festive segment, The Bert Show revives its tradition of “Santa Scared Straight,” where “Santa” calls children whose behavior has been less than ideal, as reported by their parents, and uses some gentle North Pole persuasion to nudge them back onto the nice list before Christmas. This episode centers around a spirited phone call to Mikayla, a 6½-year-old with a penchant for whining, talking back, and a few slow mornings. Packed with humor and holiday warmth, the show balances playful banter and sweet advice with laugh-out-loud moments for listeners of all ages.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: Santa’s Leverage Season

[01:00 – 01:26]

• The hosts explain “Santa Scared Straight” as a fun way to encourage good behavior before Christmas.

• Parents have emailed the show to report about children struggling with behavior, and Santa takes it from there.

  “This is the season of leverage for Santa... we have asked you guys to send us an email, tell us about your child that hasn’t been too nice, and we’ll try to do something about it. Santa can call your house.”
  — Co-Host 1 [01:00]

2. Mikayla’s Case File

[01:47 – 02:24]

• Mikayla, age 6½, has developed a habit of talking back, whining, slow mornings, and is “flirting with a boy in class,” causing concern for her mom.

  “She’s actually flirting with a boy in class and that’s creating some tension with mom because, you know, you’re not supposed to be flirting that young.”
  — Co-Host 2 (in Santa voice) [01:47]

• Mikayla also delays getting ready, needing repeated prompts, echoing frustrations familiar to many parents.

3. Santa’s Call to Mikayla

[02:27 – 08:35]

Naughty List Confessions

[02:59 – 03:25]

• Mikayla openly admits to being on the naughty list due to “my whining.”

  “Because of my whining.” — Mikayla [03:07]

• Santa affirms that whining isn’t liked by anyone, asks Mikayla to try stopping, and she promises she’ll “try really hard.”

Christmas Wishes & The Art of Letter Writing

[03:30 – 03:57]

• Mikayla shares her wish for a “Littlest Pet Shop friend.”
• Confirms she’s already sent Santa her letter but has “a lot more” wishes.

Boy Talk: Layton’s Story

[03:58 – 04:28]

• Santa probes about Mikayla’s possible crush, Layton.
• Mikayla insists, “No,” Layton is not her boyfriend.
• Santa jokes, “There’s no dating until you’re eight. Okay?”

  “Because you’re only six and a half, there’s no dating until you’re eight, okay?” — Santa [04:20]
  “Boys are creepy. Trust me. Stay away from boys.” — Santa [04:28]

On Talking Back & Morning Routines

[04:35 – 05:50]

• Santa encourages Mikayla to try hard to stop talking back and be quicker in the mornings.

• Mikayla admits she’s “a little bit slow” to get ready and must be reminded “a lot.”

  “When somebody asks you to do something... maybe you can just set down what you’re doing and you put your coat on and you say, okay, I’m ready, Mom. Can you promise me that you’ll try that?” — Santa [05:50]

Gifts For Mom and Santa’s Snack Request

[06:09 – 07:01]

• Mikayla requests “a lot of jewelry” for her mom.

• Santa makes a unique snack request:

  “I want you to leave me a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade.” — Santa [06:54] Mikayla responds, “Okay.” [07:01]

• The co-hosts joke about Santa’s quirky cravings.

Rudolph’s Carrots & Asparagus Dilemma

[07:21 – 08:01]

• Mikayla asks if Rudolph can have carrots.
  Santa reveals that “asparagus” and “pizza” are also favorites and riffs on reindeer diet with Mikayla.
• Mikayla jokes about Rudolph getting “bad gas” from carrots.

  “You said Rudolph can have… care if he gives him bad gas?” — Mikayla [07:37]

Finale: A Christmas Carol and Farewell

[08:09 – 08:35]

• Santa asks Mikayla if she knows any carols; she gleefully recites the “Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…” version.
• Santa jokes: “Stay away from the back end of Rudolph,” and signs off.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mikayla (on why she’s on the naughty list):

  “Because of my whining.” [03:07]

• Santa (Co-Host 2, straight-faced):

  “There’s no dating until you’re eight. Okay?” [04:20] “Boys are creepy. Trust me. Stay away from boys.” [04:28]

• Santa’s very odd snack request:

  “Peanut butter and potato chip sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade.” [06:54]

• Reindeer dietary advice:

  “Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus.” [07:23] “If you don’t have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.” [08:01]

• Mikayla’s mischievous carol:

  “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin laid an egg…” [08:16]

• Santa’s parting advice:

  “Stay away from the back end of Rudolph. I will talk to you later.” [08:26]

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Host Post-Call Reflections

[08:39 – 09:08]

• The hosts note that Santa started extremely enthusiastic but trailed off as the call went on.
• Jokes are made that Santa “got the munchies” after requesting his unique sandwich.
• Reflection on how challenging it is to understand kids that aren’t your own:

  “I have absolutely no capacity to understand any other child except my own.” — Co-Host 1 [08:58]

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Segment Timestamps

• 01:00 – Intro to “Santa Scared Straight”
• 01:47 – Mikayla’s behavioral report
• 02:27 – Mikayla picks up: Santa’s call begins
• 03:07 – Mikayla confesses to being on naughty list
• 03:58 – Layton the classmate discussion
• 05:34 – Talking about slow mornings and getting ready
• 06:54 – Santa’s snack request
• 07:21 – Rudolph’s diet jokes
• 08:16 – Mikayla’s carol performance
• 08:39 – Hosts recap and reflect

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Tone & Style

True to The Bert Show’s character, the episode blends heartfelt childhood wisdom and parental worries with absurdist, genuine humor. Santa is portrayed as alternately effusive and cheeky, with an undercurrent of real advice for both Mikayla and listeners’ families. The light teasing, inside jokes about parents relating only to their own kids, and playful banter make “Santa Scared Straight” a fun, family-friendly piece of “radio Christmas magic.”

Transcript

[Radio Announcer]

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[Commercial Singer]

Dashing through the store, Dave's looking for a gift, one you can't ignore, but not the socks he picked.

[Co-Host 1]

I know. I'm putting them back.

[Commercial Singer]

Hey, Dave, here's a tip. Put scratchers on your list.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Oh, scratchers.

[Radio Announcer]

Good idea.

[Commercial Singer]

It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Thanks, random singing people.

[Commercial Singer]

So be like Dave, it's holiday. And give the gift of play. Scratchers from the California Lottery. A little play can make your day.

[Co-Host 1]

Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to purchase player claim. This is the Bird Show. Santa scared straight. We've told you guys before, this is the season of leverage for Santa. So we have asked you guys to go ahead, send us an email, tell us about your child that hasn't been too nice the last couple of weeks, and we'll try to do something about it. Santa can call your house.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Yeah. The hotline goes right up to the north pole from Q100. So when people send us emails, those right along and then he's able to look at your kid's name, decide naughty list or nice list. And if it looks like maybe somebody's on the fence and can go either way, Santa will push him in the right direction, which is what he did to Mikayla the other night.

[Co-Host 1]

How old is Mikayla?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Mikayla is 6 and a half and she has a little bit of a problem with talking back. She's actually flirting with a boy in class and that's creating some tension with mom because, you know, you're not supposed to be flirting that young. And she is not doing a real good job. She has the same problem that my wife Jessica has, interestingly enough. She has a problem getting ready quickly.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

So sometimes she has to be asked over and over and over again to get ready to leave the house. So Santa Claus wanted to call her up and say it's probably much more likely for you to get gifts and to be on the nice list if you take care of these small problems.

[Co-Host 1]

So this is Mikayla, six and a half years old.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Hello?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Ho ho, ho, Mikayla Adams. How are you? Calling you live and loud from the North Pole. It's Santa.

[Co-Host 1]

Santa is really enthusiastic this year.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

It disappears pretty quickly.

[Co-Host 1]

Oh, I was really impressed. Like in past years it almost. It almost seemed like Santa was put out by this particular assignment. But he is really enthusiastic this year.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

You're embarrassing yourself. Just keep listening. Well, that's the first ho, ho, ho, we've. You know, just keep listening. All right, all right.

[Mikayla (Child)]

I'm on the naughty list.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

You're on the naughty list? You already know that. How? Why are you on the naughty list?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Because of my whining.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Nobody likes a whiner. You know that, don't you?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Yes.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

I'll bet your mom has told you that and you just don't believe her. So what do you think about trying as hard as you can to stop whining?

[Mikayla (Child)]

I'll try.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

You'll try? How hard will you try?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Really hard.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right, we got a couple other things to go over, but first I would like to know what Mikayla wants for Christmas this year.

[Mikayla (Child)]

A littlest pet shop friend.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Okay.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Oh, I have some other things, but I have a lot more.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Oh, you have a lot more. Have you written a letter yet?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Uh huh.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Okay. And you've already sent it?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Uh huh.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Okay. So I'll look for your letter.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Okay, let's talk about something else that I've heard. Who is Leighton?

[Mikayla (Child)]

This guy in my class.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

This guy in your class. And how do you know him?

[Mikayla (Child)]

I met him on the first day of school.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Is he your boyfriend?

[Mikayla (Child)]

No.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Do you want him to be your boyfriend?

[Radio Announcer]

No.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. Because you're only six and a half, there's no dating until you're eight. Okay?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. Boys are creepy. Trust me. Stay away from boys.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. And how you been doing with the talking back? I'll bet that some of the grownups around you have said that you might talk back a little bit too much.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Yeah?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Yeah. Maybe you can try. Just like you're gonna try to stop the whining, maybe you can try to stop the talking back.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. What else do you want for Christmas? Do you have another. Another thought?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Another raccoon? Magic brat.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Okay, all right, I got it. Now let me ask you a question. Cause Mrs. Claus has this problem and it drives me crazy. Whenever we're getting ready to go somewhere, she takes forever. And everybody's always waiting on Mrs. Claus. As you can imagine, it's quite annoying. How do you get ready for things? Do you get ready fast or do you get ready slow?

[Mikayla (Child)]

A little bit slow.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Slow. And how many times do people have to ask you to get ready or to do something?

[Mikayla (Child)]

A lot.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

A lot. That's not cool, is it? No. Do you like it when you have to ask somebody a lot of times to do something?

[Mikayla (Child)]

No.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

No. When somebody asks you to do something, like if somebody says, hey, get your coat, we gotta go, maybe you can just set down what you're doing and you put your coat on and you say, okay, I'm ready, Mom. Can you promise me that you'll try that? Mm, okay, good. Especially when you're getting ready for school in the morning.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Mm.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

What do you want me to bring your mom for Christmas?

[Mikayla (Child)]

A lot of jewelry.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Jewelry, huh?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Mm.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

You're getting trained. Well. Okay. I think that's about it. You're gonna leave some cookies and milk out for me?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Uh huh.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. Will you do me a favor though?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Cause you know, I visit a lot of houses. How many houses do you think I'm gonna visit?

[Mikayla (Child)]

A lot.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

How many you think I'm gonna visit?

[Radio Announcer]

A hundred?

[Mikayla (Child)]

More than 100?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

200?

[Mikayla (Child)]

No.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

How many do you think I'll visit?

[Mikayla (Child)]

A thousand.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

A thousand. Well, guess what? All of those houses, every one of those houses is gonna leave me cookies and milk. Okay?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Uh huh.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

I want you to leave me a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. You tell your mom that's very important.

[Co-Host 1]

What? Somebody quest their lemonade. And what?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Don't try to understand Santa Claus.

[Radio Announcer]

Santa has cravings that vary from milk and cookies.

[Co-Host 1]

Okay. I guess trying to mix it up a little bit this year.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

He's pmsing peanut butter, potato chips and pink lemonade.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Can Rudolph have any carrots?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Rudolph? Yes, Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus.

[Mikayla (Child)]

But I thought you said. You said Rudolph can have me. Care if he gives him bad gas?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Yeah. Okay, so Rudolph would like. Who told you that?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Your mom on the wedding game?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Yeah. Okay, well then in that case, Rudolph would like some reindeer food. Yes, very good reindeer food. Or if you don't have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Okay.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right. All right. Mikayla, it's been such a pleasure talking to you. You sound like a great kid.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Thank you.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

You're welcome. Stay warm down there in Atlanta. It's freezing up here in the North Pole. Do you know any Christmas carols?

[Mikayla (Child)]

Jingle bells, Batman Smells, Robin Laid an egg. Batmobile and Joker play ballet.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

All right, well, thank you, Mikayla. You've definitely got the Christmas. All right. Stay away from the back end of Rudolph. I will talk to you later.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Bye Bye.

[Co-Host 1]

Santa started off really enthusiastic, very enthusiastic. And just kind of felt like he. About midway there, he just kind of like lost interest.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Well, he got the munchies.

[Mikayla (Child)]

Yeah.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

I think he got hungry.

[Radio Announcer]

Yeah. Was it.

[Co-Host 1]

What sandwich did he want?

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Potato chips, peanut butter and potato chip and a glass of pink lemonade. And Rudolph would like asparagus and pizza.

[Co-Host 1]

I realized while we play these back and I have a four year old, I have absolutely no capacity to understand any other child except my own.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

It's only the parent translator of your direct child.

[Co-Host 1]

Not of all children. Yes, because I have no idea really what she said except the gas part and the asparagus. Other than that, I'm totally out. This is the bird show.

[Commercial Singer]

Dashing through the store. Dave's looking for a gift. One you can't ignore. But not the socks he picked.

[Co-Host 1]

I know. I'm putting them back.

[Commercial Singer]

Hey, Dave, here's a tip. Put scratchers on your list.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Oh, scratchers.

[Radio Announcer]

Good idea.

[Commercial Singer]

It's an easy shopping trip. We're glad we could assist.

[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

Thanks, random singing people.

[Commercial Singer]

So be like David's holiday and give the gift of play scratchers from the California lottery. A little play can make your day.

[Co-Host 1]

Please play responsibly. Must be 18 years or older to purchase player claim.

[Radio Announcer]

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[Co-Host 2 / Santa Voice]

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