The Bert Show: Vault – Santa Scared Straight
Episode Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast by: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, & The Bert Show Cast
Overview
In this festive segment, The Bert Show revives its tradition of “Santa Scared Straight,” where “Santa” calls children whose behavior has been less than ideal, as reported by their parents, and uses some gentle North Pole persuasion to nudge them back onto the nice list before Christmas. This episode centers around a spirited phone call to Mikayla, a 6½-year-old with a penchant for whining, talking back, and a few slow mornings. Packed with humor and holiday warmth, the show balances playful banter and sweet advice with laugh-out-loud moments for listeners of all ages.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Setting the Stage: Santa’s Leverage Season
[01:00 – 01:26]
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The hosts explain “Santa Scared Straight” as a fun way to encourage good behavior before Christmas.
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Parents have emailed the show to report about children struggling with behavior, and Santa takes it from there.
“This is the season of leverage for Santa... we have asked you guys to send us an email, tell us about your child that hasn’t been too nice, and we’ll try to do something about it. Santa can call your house.”
— Co-Host 1 [01:00]
2. Mikayla’s Case File
[01:47 – 02:24]
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Mikayla, age 6½, has developed a habit of talking back, whining, slow mornings, and is “flirting with a boy in class,” causing concern for her mom.
“She’s actually flirting with a boy in class and that’s creating some tension with mom because, you know, you’re not supposed to be flirting that young.”
— Co-Host 2 (in Santa voice) [01:47] -
Mikayla also delays getting ready, needing repeated prompts, echoing frustrations familiar to many parents.
3. Santa’s Call to Mikayla
[02:27 – 08:35]
Naughty List Confessions
[02:59 – 03:25]
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Mikayla openly admits to being on the naughty list due to “my whining.”
“Because of my whining.” — Mikayla [03:07]
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Santa affirms that whining isn’t liked by anyone, asks Mikayla to try stopping, and she promises she’ll “try really hard.”
Christmas Wishes & The Art of Letter Writing
[03:30 – 03:57]
- Mikayla shares her wish for a “Littlest Pet Shop friend.”
- Confirms she’s already sent Santa her letter but has “a lot more” wishes.
Boy Talk: Layton’s Story
[03:58 – 04:28]
- Santa probes about Mikayla’s possible crush, Layton.
- Mikayla insists, “No,” Layton is not her boyfriend.
- Santa jokes, “There’s no dating until you’re eight. Okay?”
“Because you’re only six and a half, there’s no dating until you’re eight, okay?” — Santa [04:20]
“Boys are creepy. Trust me. Stay away from boys.” — Santa [04:28]
On Talking Back & Morning Routines
[04:35 – 05:50]
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Santa encourages Mikayla to try hard to stop talking back and be quicker in the mornings.
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Mikayla admits she’s “a little bit slow” to get ready and must be reminded “a lot.”
“When somebody asks you to do something... maybe you can just set down what you’re doing and you put your coat on and you say, okay, I’m ready, Mom. Can you promise me that you’ll try that?” — Santa [05:50]
Gifts For Mom and Santa’s Snack Request
[06:09 – 07:01]
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Mikayla requests “a lot of jewelry” for her mom.
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Santa makes a unique snack request:
“I want you to leave me a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade.” — Santa [06:54] Mikayla responds, “Okay.” [07:01]
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The co-hosts joke about Santa’s quirky cravings.
Rudolph’s Carrots & Asparagus Dilemma
[07:21 – 08:01]
- Mikayla asks if Rudolph can have carrots.
Santa reveals that “asparagus” and “pizza” are also favorites and riffs on reindeer diet with Mikayla. - Mikayla jokes about Rudolph getting “bad gas” from carrots.
“You said Rudolph can have… care if he gives him bad gas?” — Mikayla [07:37]
Finale: A Christmas Carol and Farewell
[08:09 – 08:35]
- Santa asks Mikayla if she knows any carols; she gleefully recites the “Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…” version.
- Santa jokes: “Stay away from the back end of Rudolph,” and signs off.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
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Mikayla (on why she’s on the naughty list):
“Because of my whining.” [03:07]
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Santa (Co-Host 2, straight-faced):
“There’s no dating until you’re eight. Okay?” [04:20] “Boys are creepy. Trust me. Stay away from boys.” [04:28]
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Santa’s very odd snack request:
“Peanut butter and potato chip sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade.” [06:54]
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Reindeer dietary advice:
“Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus.” [07:23] “If you don’t have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.” [08:01]
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Mikayla’s mischievous carol:
“Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin laid an egg…” [08:16]
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Santa’s parting advice:
“Stay away from the back end of Rudolph. I will talk to you later.” [08:26]
Host Post-Call Reflections
[08:39 – 09:08]
- The hosts note that Santa started extremely enthusiastic but trailed off as the call went on.
- Jokes are made that Santa “got the munchies” after requesting his unique sandwich.
- Reflection on how challenging it is to understand kids that aren’t your own:
“I have absolutely no capacity to understand any other child except my own.” — Co-Host 1 [08:58]
Segment Timestamps
- 01:00 – Intro to “Santa Scared Straight”
- 01:47 – Mikayla’s behavioral report
- 02:27 – Mikayla picks up: Santa’s call begins
- 03:07 – Mikayla confesses to being on naughty list
- 03:58 – Layton the classmate discussion
- 05:34 – Talking about slow mornings and getting ready
- 06:54 – Santa’s snack request
- 07:21 – Rudolph’s diet jokes
- 08:16 – Mikayla’s carol performance
- 08:39 – Hosts recap and reflect
Tone & Style
True to The Bert Show’s character, the episode blends heartfelt childhood wisdom and parental worries with absurdist, genuine humor. Santa is portrayed as alternately effusive and cheeky, with an undercurrent of real advice for both Mikayla and listeners’ families. The light teasing, inside jokes about parents relating only to their own kids, and playful banter make “Santa Scared Straight” a fun, family-friendly piece of “radio Christmas magic.”