The Bert Show – "Vault: Second Date Update" (Dec 8, 2025)

Main Theme / Purpose

This episode of The Bert Show centers around the classic “Second Date Update” segment. Listener Monica seeks closure after a promising first date fizzled into radio silence. The show’s hosts help Monica connect with her date, Mark, live on air to find out the real reason behind his lack of follow-up—leading to revelations, awkward honesty, and plenty of laughs as the team unpacks the sometimes-unspoken etiquette of early dating.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Monica’s Story: Setting the Scene

• Monica calls in feeling “a little miffed” (01:38) after what she thought was a successful first date that ended without a follow-up.
• She describes the date in detail:
  • Setup by mutual friends; anticipation had built up (01:50)
  • Mark picked her up at her place (Roswell) – “really, really nice because…things are so informal nowadays” (01:53)
  • Nice dinner at Ippolita’s followed by meeting friends at the Slow Comedy Club, turning the night into a double date with good chemistry, hand-holding, and flirting (02:12)
  • Everyone went back to Monica’s nearby place to “watch a movie and have a few drinks”—Mark stayed the night, but “was a perfect gentleman about it” and slept on the couch (03:05)
  • Morning after: Monica made breakfast, they watched TV, “it was really nice. We kissed again in the morning,” but there was “a little difference” likely due to morning breath (05:03)

The Panel’s Theories: Why Did Mark Fade Out?

• Hosts and panel toss out predictions ranging from:
  • Mark having another girlfriend ("I think he's got another girlfriend." — Mark, 06:43)
  • Mark being married or closeted, or simply put off by Monica’s breakfast (“I was thinking you…can’t cook” – Jeff, 06:55)
• Monica says their mutual friend Kyle would have known if Mark was already attached, and reiterates confusion (“I can’t even fathom…” — Monica, 07:04)

The Confrontation: Mark Joins Live On Air

• The hosts call Mark with Monica on the line.
• Monica tells Mark directly: “I’d rather just know what it was and move on than, like, wonder why we had such an awesome date ... and I just didn’t hear from you.” (09:50)
• Mark is uncomfortable but agrees to be honest: (10:14)
  • Reveals the reason he didn’t pursue a second date:
    “She picked up her copy of Glamour ... walked into the bathroom and didn’t emerge for about 15 minutes... Call me old fashioned, but I’m right there. That’s just nasty.” (12:14)

The Team Reacts: Bathroom Etiquette Debate

• General shock and laughter at Mark’s “dealbreaker.”
• Jen: “She took a magazine into the pooper.” (12:31)
• Mark (caller): “Girls should be discreet about that...girls reading for 15 minutes on the crapper?” (13:16)
• Monica, quietly: “No, it’s okay. I asked for honesty, and I got it.” (15:02)
• The hosts debate whether Mark’s reaction is fair or sexist; some agree there's a “double standard,” others say “just don’t make it obvious on a first date.” (13:38–16:09)

Call-Ins & More Laughter

• Lynn calls in, sharing her routine:
  “Yes. I sit on the toilet and take a dunk and my boyfriend sits right in front of me and plays his guitar.” (18:26)—to widespread horror and disbelief from the show; Jen jokes, “Does he incorporate the sounds of the dump taking into the song?” (18:38)
• Show devolves into more banter about relationships and bathroom etiquette, keeping things lighthearted.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Monica’s open vulnerability:

  • “We kissed a lot…it was nice, right?” (04:17, Monica)
  • “I just want to know what the deal is and move on.” (11:22, Monica)

• Mark’s uncomfortable honesty:

  • “She walked into the bathroom and didn’t emerge for about 15 minutes.” (12:23, Mark - caller)
  • “Girls…should be discreet about that…girls reading for 15 minutes on the crapper? …I’m sorry. That just…killed it.” (13:16, Mark - caller)

• Jen’s comic summation:

  • “A woman in the restroom needs to be like Chili’s. Get in, get out, get on with your life.” (13:21)
  • “Coffee does that.” (15:06)
  • “If you date a girl named Monica in Roswell, I would stay away from Indian food.” (15:36)

• The hosts acknowledging social double standards:

  • “I don’t think it has to be a guy girl thing.” (14:01, Jeff)
  • “Hold those things off until … it’s further along.” (13:38, Jen)

• The humor keeps rolling:

  • “Poop.” (16:13, Bert)
  • “Everyone does it.” (16:16, Monica)
  • “Not with a book.” (16:19, Mark)
  • “If she had to go … or risk getting a hug and then sharting—oh, come on.” (17:02, Jen)
  • “You’re not one of the guys? No. And, you know, I don’t even think guys should do that on the first date. I don’t want to think about you pooping.” (16:08, Mark and Jeff)
  • “Doesn’t everybody?” (18:22, Jen)

Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:38] Monica Introduces Her Story
• [02:12] Recap of the Date
• [05:03] The Morning After
• [06:43] Theories on Mark’s Radio Silence
• [08:43] Mark Is Called Live
• [09:50] Monica Asks for Honesty & Closure
• [12:14] Mark Reveals the Glamour/Restroom Incident
• [13:21] Panel Discusses “Dealbreakers” and Double Standards
• [15:02] Monica Accepts the Answer
• [18:26] Listener Call: Music in the Restroom

Tone & Language

• The episode is playful, unfiltered, and occasionally irreverent, in keeping with the Bert Show’s signature style. The hosts, and even Monica, meet an awkward conversation with good humor.
• While the revelation is embarrassing for Monica, she takes it in stride (“No, it’s okay. I asked for honesty and I got it.”).
• The group bounces back and forth between sympathy, teasing, and philosophical reflection on social norms and “bathroom boundaries” in dating.

Takeaways

• Even after a seemingly perfect date, small human quirks (or perceived social missteps) can be deal-breakers.
• The Bert Show’s approach turns uncomfortable real-life moments into opportunities for candor, laughter, and camaraderie.
• Ultimately, the show suggests everyone has their quirks, everyone has to “go,” and, as Monica’s story reminds us, sometimes the answer to ghosting is far stranger—and more human—than we’d guess.