Vault: Segueway Scooter

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: The Bert Show

Episode Title: Vault: Segueway Scooter
Date: October 30, 2025
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & The Bert Show Cast (primary speakers in this episode not individually named in transcript)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show takes a humorous look at the Atlanta City Council’s recent decision to purchase Segway scooters for police officers stationed at Hartsfield Airport. With the news as a springboard, the hosts riff on the practicality—and comedic potential—of police chases on Segways, poking fun at the image of officers patrolling (and possibly pursuing criminals) on these slow-moving, quirky vehicles. The tone is light, playful, and classic “morning radio,” with spontaneous jokes, pop-culture references, and an open invitation for listeners to share their own Segway-related stories.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Segway Police Scooters Return

• The Atlanta City Council has voted to buy ten new Segway scooters for airport police.
  • [00:13] Host summarizes: “The Atlanta City Council's voted to buy 10 new Segway scooters. And now these are for the cops down at Hartsfield Airport… now the scooters are back and they're going to be at Hartsfield Airport.”

2. Skepticism and Sarcasm About Effectiveness

• The hosts express skepticism about how effective police on Segways would be during a chase.
  • [00:30] Co-host 2 jokes: “Yeah, that's comforting if you're a criminal because you could just outrun these guys totally.”
  • [00:36] The cost is questioned, with confusion over whether it is $5,000 or $55,000: “What are they, $55,000 to this doesn't.”
• The image of a “low speed chase” is a running gag throughout the discussion.

3. Pop Culture and Visual Humor

• Multiple jokes revolve around how undignified or goofy police might look riding Segways.
  • [00:40] Co-host 1 sings: “Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do? What you gonna do when they scoot by you?”
  • [00:48] Co-host 2 visualizes a “helicopter aerial shot” of a suspect outpacing Segways.
  • [01:11] Host: “I mean, yeah, you can't look tough on a Segway scooter.”

4. References and Nostalgia

• Comparisons to TV and sitcom moments, such as Seinfeld’s George on a scooter, add to the fun.
  • [01:13] Co-host 1: “You remember the episode of Seinfeld where George pretended to have the bad legs...and he just picks it up and starts running.”

5. Imagining Segway Accessories

• The crew invents possible Segway modifications for police, such as keychains and baskets.
  • [01:29] Host wonders: “I wonder if they're starting to make little Segway keychains… I hope they put a basket on the front.”

6. Playful Riffs on Police Gear

• More jokey suggestions, such as pocket sirens (“[01:45]”) and making their own chase noises, lampoon the seriousness of Segway policing.
  • [01:50] Host: “Now they have to make the noise themselves. Yeah, the guy's got the light that you put on top of a car and he takes. Well, where do I put this thing Right now?”

7. Direct Listener Engagement

• The hosts invite listeners to share stories if they’ve ever been chased or pulled over by police on a Segway, further leaning into the episode’s running gag.
  • [02:31] Co-host 2: “Call us now if you've ever been...”
  • [02:33] Co-host 1: “Pulled over? I mean, I'm wondering if the cops will call us.”
  • [02:36] Host: “Yeah, if. If you were part of a crime that was busted by a Segway, give us a call.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "[00:40] Co-host 1: Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do? What you gonna do when they scoot by you?"
• "[00:48] Co-host 2: You know how they always have that helicopter aerial shot? Can't you see the guy running down the street with his three segues behind him chasing."
• "[01:11] Host: I mean, yeah, you can't look tough on a Segway scooter."
• "[01:13] Co-host 1: Remember the episode of Seinfeld where George... picks it up and starts running."
• "[01:29] Host: I wonder if they're starting to make little Segway keychains. I hope they put a basket on the front."
• "[01:45] Co-host 2: You think they give them like pocket sirens so when they're chasing somebody they just put the little pocket siren on the handlebar."
• "[01:50] Host: Now they have to make the noise themselves."
• "[02:36] Host: Yeah, if you were part of a crime that was busted by a Segway, give us a call."

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:13: Introduction of Atlanta City Council's Segway scooter purchase
• 00:30: Sarcastic thoughts on Segways’ effectiveness for police work
• 00:40 – 01:11: Series of jokes and visual gags about Segway chases and police image
• 01:13 – 01:29: Seinfeld reference and Segway accessory ideas
• 01:45 – 01:50: Pocket siren and police chase sound effect jokes
• 02:31 – 02:36: Listener engagement segment: call in with Segway-police stories

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Conclusion

This episode blends local news with The Bert Show’s signature riffing, turning the topic of police Segways into a laugh-filled, fast-paced segment. Through spontaneous banter and playful listener engagement, the hosts showcase the blend of genuine chemistry and quirky humor that makes the show a staple for its fans. Even if you haven’t seen a police Segway in Atlanta, you’ll leave the episode with a vivid—and hilarious—mental picture.

Transcript

[A]

Get it?

[B]

The bird show.

[C]

I'm sure to the Atlanta Police Department that these Segways seem like a really good idea when they spent $5,000 on them. But try to imagine a low speed chase with a bunch of cops on Segways behind you.

[A]

Alright? Well, the Atlanta City Council's voted to buy 10 new Segway scooters. And now these are for the cops down at Hartsfield Airport. Now you remember the scooters were introduced to the downtown Atlanta police, police officers, but then they since kind of went away. Well, now the scooters are back and they're going to be at Hartsfield Airport.

[C]

Yeah, that's comforting if you're a criminal because you could just outrun these guys totally.

[A]

What are they, $55,000 to this doesn't.

[C]

Print on cops at all. Like a chase between.

[A]

Oh God. Oh my God.

[B]

Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do? What you gonna do when they scoot by you?

[C]

You know how they always have that helicopter aerial shot? Can't you see the guy running down the street with his three segues behind him chasing.

[A]

Oh my God. This is like a fre. Sorry laner. Officers, I know you'll do a fine job on those scooters.

[C]

These guys are going to ditch the Segway and just start running after the.

[A]

Guy, pick it up and carry it.

[B]

And run with it.

[A]

I mean, yeah, you can't look tough on a Segway scooter.

[B]

You remember the, remember the episode of Seinfeld where George pretended to have the bad legs so he could work, get the handicaps to all work. And he's riding around in the little Rascal thing, that motorized scooter and then he just picks it up and starts running.

[A]

You know, I wonder if they're gonna make little. You know how people who have. Have motor vehicles and sometimes they use keychains like I like I have a Honda, so I'm getting a little Honda keychain. I wonder if they're starting to make little Segway keychains. I hope they put a basket on the front. You know that like plastic basket with like the yellow. How about this?

[C]

You think they give them like pocket sirens so when they're chasing somebody they just put the little pocket siren on the handlebar.

[A]

Now they have to make the noise themselves. Yeah, the guy, the guy's got the light that you put on top of a car and he takes. Well, where do I put this thing Right now?

[B]

Right now there's a guy at Hartsfield putting a baseball card in spokes of his segue going. I think they're making fun of me.

[C]

He's so bitter.

[A]

He's tucking it behind one of those big billboard signs of the airport. Like, I. I'm not one of the cops with one of these things. Sorry.

[B]

You know what? Hold on, though. It's. Is there. Are there any criminals that have been caught by the Segway scooter?

[C]

Come on, you can outrun them.

[A]

There's gotta be.

[B]

What have the Segway scooters have they caught somewhere?

[A]

You know what they gotta do? They gotta get whips like the gladiators. Yeah.

[C]

Call us now if you've ever been.

[A]

Pulled over by a segue.

[B]

Pulled over? I mean, I'm wondering if the cops will call us.

[A]

Yeah, if. If you were part of a crime that was busted by a Segway, give us a call. Get it?

[B]

The bird Show.