Vault: She Cannot Figure Out Why She's Always Late

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault — "She Cannot Figure Out Why She's Always Late"

Date: May 19, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode delves into the all-too-relatable struggle of chronic lateness. One of the Bert Show cast members (Jen) opens up about how she is perpetually 5-10 minutes late to everything — from workdays to social dinners — and the rest of the team jumps in with their own takes, pet peeves, and psychological theories around habitual tardiness. The hosts humorously explore whether lateness is just poor time management or something deeper, sharing anecdotes, sympathy, and advice from listeners.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Daily Struggle With Chronic Lateness

• Jen's Confession:
  • Jen candidly admits she’s “little miss 10 minutes late to everything” and can’t figure out how to break the cycle. (02:07)
  • She shares a recent example: while going to friends’ new home, detours for increasingly thoughtful gifts made her 15 minutes late despite having left on time.
    • “Wine is nice, but I should really bring a potted plant. And I should really bring a card… Instead of getting there at 7, I pull off the highway…” (02:48)

2. How Late Is Too Late?

• Differing Tolerances:

  • Bert and other hosts express that 10 minutes late is “socially acceptable” (03:48), but anything beyond 15 minutes crosses the line.
    • Bert: “For whatever reason, for me, 15 minutes is a world of difference than 10 minutes.” (05:26)

• The Flip Side – Pet Peeves:

  • Some hosts (notably F) find any consistent lateness disrespectful, feeling it signals the late person values their time over others.
    • “If you’re supposed to be somewhere at 7 o’clock and you show up at 7:15, then you have just said, my time… is more valuable than the plans you have made.” (05:12 – E)

3. The Psychology of Lateness

• Self-Sabotage and Control:

  • The team explores whether habitual lateness is accidental or self-sabotage, a subconscious psychological quirk, or even a control issue.
    • “It’s almost like there is this mental sabotage you put upon yourself to make sure that you don’t get there on time.” (04:14 – F)
    • “I had somebody years ago say that it’s a control thing. If you’re always late, you control the start time of the event.” (09:29 – E)
    • “Dr. Phil… said it was a selfish thing. You could be on time, but instead you need to be more important than the other person… you make yourself subconsciously lazy.” (10:00 – D relaying listener Josh's message)

• Feelings of Guilt and Shame:

  • Jen and others admit they feel guilt or even self-loathing when they are late, but the pattern persists, suggesting it’s not simply a case of “not caring.”
    • “God, what a diva… Well then why do I irritate myself so much with it?” (10:14 – C)
    • “Because you can’t let go of the control.” (10:21 – E)

4. Coping Mechanisms & (Failed) Solutions

• Changing Clocks and Calendar Hacking:

  • Jen considers setting her clocks ahead, but others note you quickly learn to ‘do the math.’ (06:05 – C/E)
  • Listeners and hosts discuss writing down appointments for earlier times, but recognize your brain catches on to your own tricks. (11:32 – D/E/C)

• Outsmarting the Chronically Late:

  • Several admit to telling friends 'fake' earlier start times so they actually arrive when everyone else does.
    • Listener call: “Even when we send [my brother and sister-in-law] a formal invitation, theirs has a different time on it… Invitation says [party] starts at 5:30. Everybody else’s says it starts at 6.” (09:00 – G)

• Describing Moments of “Early” Serene Arrival:

  • Rare experiences of leaving early are universally described as “so much more relaxing.” (07:50 – D)
    • “It is so much more relaxing… you get a buffer… you’re on the phone, you make a wrong turn, there’s no problem.” (07:50 – D)

5. Solutions That (Don’t) Stick

• Despite passionate calls for “self-discipline,” most suggestions are met with skepticism or humor about their real-world effectiveness.
  • “You just have to stop trying to be the most important person in the room.” (12:07 – F)
  • “Who’s got the time to be changing all the times and writing appointments down? Pointless. Because you will just look [at] the clock…” (11:32 – D/E/F)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jen on Perpetual Lateness:

  • “If I had five more minutes, everything else would be so much better.” (02:11 – C)
  • “For whatever reason, it just drives me crazy. And I don’t know if anybody has gone through this … but I can’t ever do it.” (02:30 – C)

• On Subconscious Self-Sabotage:

  • “It’s almost like there is this mental sabotage you put upon yourself to make sure that you don’t get there on time.” (04:14 – F)

• The Etiquette Threshold:

  • “10 minutes late is still socially acceptable to me. It’s not an annoyance.” (03:48 – D)
  • “But after 10 minutes… we’re starting to get a little bit touchy.” (04:56 – D)

• Psychological Insight:

  • “I had somebody years ago say that it’s a control thing… you control the start time of the event.” (09:29 – E)
  • “You could be on time, but instead you… make yourself subconsciously lazy.” (10:00 – D, relaying listener Josh)

• Listener Hack:

  • “Their invitation says it starts at 5:30. Everybody else’s says it starts at 6.” (09:17 – G)
  • “That’s hilarious.” (09:27 – C)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |----|------------| | 02:00 | Jen’s opening confession about always running late | | 02:48 | Story: Running late to friends’ dinner due to gift detour | | 04:12 | Discussion: Is lateness self-sabotage or psychological? | | 05:12 | Respect and social contracts: when does lateness become disrespectful? | | 06:05 | Clock-hacking and outsmarting yourself | | 07:50 | The serenity (and rarity) of arriving early | | 09:00 | Listener call: sending “fake” invite times to latecomers | | 09:29 | Analysis: Is tardiness about control? | | 10:00 | Dr. Phil’s theory on lateness as selfishness | | 11:32 | Host pushback: calendar hacks seldom work | | 12:07 | The blunt solution: “stop trying to be the most important person in the room” |

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Tone & Atmosphere

True to The Bert Show’s style, this episode is energetic, candid, and peppered with humor and self-deprecation. The hosts are quick to tease each other and themselves, making the discussion relatable and lighthearted even as they confront a frustrating life pattern. Lucid real-life examples, lively banter, and listeners' stories underscore a shared human experience — that punctuality can be an ongoing battle, and sometimes the best we can do is laugh and try again tomorrow.

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Transcript

[A]

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[C]

The Bird show do you guys have stuff about yourself that drives you nuts?

[D]

Not one thing because I love it all.

[C]

Yeah, I'm perfect. I irritate myself in a lot of ways. But I irritate myself most often because I am little miss 10 minutes late to everything. Like five to 10 minutes late for my life. And I cannot figure out how not to be late anymore. Like, it just drives me to. Every morning coming into work, I'm like hauling butt so that I'm not, you know, the 10 minutes late. And I'm just running. If I had five more minutes, everything else would be so much better.

[E]

Now, what would happen though, if you got up five minutes earlier, you'd still be five minutes late.

[C]

I'd still be five minutes late because instead of getting out the door, I'd like, wash the coffee pot. So then when I. You know what I'm saying? Like, for whatever reason, it just drives me crazy. And I don't know if anybody has gone through this and like, been a reformed. I'm always late person to now a punctual on time person. But I can't. I can't ever do it. Like, here's a for instance. Some of my friends, this couple I know well, just got married and bought a new house, right? So they're so excited and they're like newlyweds. They're in love, and they bought this new beautiful home. So I'm going over there the other night and I buy wine to bring with me. I'm leaving. I have plenty of time to get to their home in time to be there. Dinner starts at seven, you know. But on the way, I think in my mind, I'm like, you know what? Wine is nice, but I should really bring a potted plant. And I should really bring a card that says, congratulations on your new home. So instead of getting there at seven, I pull off the highway, go to the Publix, get the. Get the plant, the potted plant and the card. And then I check out and then I get back in the car and I gotta sign the card and I gotta go. And then I'm 15 minutes late. Like, why do I do it every single time? I drive myself nuts with it every day. Is it 10 every day?

[D]

10 minutes late is still socially acceptable to me. It's not an annoyance.

[F]

Not if you're a friend.

[D]

Really doesn't bother me at all.

[E]

Late is not. Except I'm guilty of it too.

[F]

Cause it's one of my biggest pet peeves. And I'm trying to figure out if any of the people I know that are always late, none of them have ever changed. And it's almost like, I wonder if it's this mental thing, because they always throw in an extra. Like, they know they have to. Yeah, they know they have to be somewhere, but somehow they purposely throw in the coffee pot that needs to be washed, which it really doesn't, to get you to work on time. The wine, you didn't need to get the potty plant in the card and sign the card and make sure the card was right and everything before you. So it's almost like there is this mental sabotage you put upon yourself to make sure that you don't get there on time.

[C]

Isn't it weird there's some sort of strange psychology in it? Because I cannot figure it out.

[D]

I'm on the other end of this. Like, if you're 10 minutes late, to me, no problem. I would rather have you 10 minutes late than 10 minutes early.

[C]

Like if I was coming over to your house for dinner or meeting you at a restaurant. What if I was, like, meeting you at a restaurant and we said 6:30 and I show up by 6:40, I'm cool with that.

[D]

10 minutes is fine after that. Then we're starting to get a little bit touchy.

[F]

But after 10 minutes, you see each other every once in a while and you're hanging out. But if you're friends, or if it was Stacy that was always late, would that not drive you nuts?

[D]

I think we both have a problem, probably with. With that.

[C]

With being late. See, you're on my boat, so you're not as critical.

[E]

I'm on your boat too, and it drives me nuts because to me, if you're supposed to be somewhere at 7 o' clock and you show up at 7:15, then you have just said, my time, what I am doing, is more valuable than the plans you have made.

[D]

Yeah. And for whatever reason, for me, 15 minutes is a world of difference than

[E]

10 minutes or 10 minutes even.

[D]

I don't know why they're.

[F]

But for the person that's on time or early, like, that's 20, like 15 minutes late. Person who's going to be on time more than likely got there about five minutes early.

[E]

Five minutes early.

[F]

So you're talking 20 minutes of their time that they're just sitting, waiting on you.

[D]

Right.

[F]

And that's all they're doing. They could have been doing something. They could have been doing something. So it's kind of like what Jeff's saying. I think the irritation with people is in their mind. It's like, well, why is everything catered to you? Why can't you reward the people that got there early? You know what I'm saying? But that's not what you're asking. You're asking how to.

[D]

How to fix it, how to get

[F]

that just to pull that right.

[C]

I've considered. Last week, I actually considered maybe I will change every clock that I own.

[E]

Don't do it. Because then you just do the math in your head and the one in

[C]

my car and the one in my house. And I was even trying to figure out if I could change the BlackBerry, but I don't think I can because that's such a person.

[E]

You can, but the problem is you do the math. If you set the algorithm 15 minutes. Yeah.

[F]

You know, somebody else would have to do it without you knowing.

[D]

You start to give yourself a grace period. Yeah. That's really. Melissa, I think, nailed it. Someone else has to fix everything, change it for you, without you knowing for how long.

[F]

Because people lie to you now.

[C]

And I know it's. Yeah. I just. For whatever reason. And then, of course, in Atlanta, you can always kind of try to blame it on traffic, but everybody has to plan ahead on traffic in the city.

[F]

Do your friends lie to you about what time something starts? Because it gets to that point where you lie purposely. 15 minutes. Well, they should, because 15, but, I mean, you end up lying about to the person. Why?

[E]

If you have friends that you're consistently late with.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Then I guarantee you if they want you there at 7:15.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

They will tell you that it starts at 7:00'.

[C]

Clock.

[E]

They know. They'll never admit it to you, but they know that you're the one who's always 15 minutes late. And they adjust it. And like I said, I'm. Jessica and I are just as.

[F]

Because that way they're not waiting on you. They know you're not gonna show up to 7:15, so they're not sitting there, you know, getting anxious.

[E]

And that's what makes us feel terrible every time we're going somewhere where we know we're gonna be late because we do that to people.

[C]

Do you have any ideas on how to fix it?

[E]

No, because I would have done it already.

[C]

Really? But no matter what I did, I

[F]

wish I was hopeful because a. None of my friends, my sister's this way. We tease about my sister about how we're gonna hide her body and make her late to her own funeral if she dies before us. Because she's notoriously late.

[C]

How late is she?

[F]

I mean, she's. It varies. It's not just a 5 or 10. It just varies within the hour. So sometimes it's 5 and sometimes it's over 30.

[D]

There's so much comfort in it. It is so much more relaxing that the very few times that I've actually left the house early and didn't have to worry about the traffic because I've left that, that buffer. It's so relaxing.

[C]

Yeah, it's no stress.

[D]

It really is no stress at all. And it's actually enjoyable. You're on the phone, you get up. If you make a wrong turn, there's no problem. But I can't train myself to do it consistently hard enough.

[E]

Is there anything worse than when you're pulling in? Like, remember I met you last week at Taco Mac and I was five minutes late and I felt like crap. Cause even five minutes makes me feel like crap. You were 10 minutes late or 10 minutes late, however long I was. And I sent you. I knew when I was leaving cause I can't remember what I was doing, but I knew I was gonna be late and I sent you the text message or whatever. And then I got into that parking lot and there were no spots. And then the panic really starts to set in.

[D]

Then everything irritates you?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Everything is irritated.

[E]

Move, move. You know there's a, you know there's a 72 year old one legged man trying to put his wheelchair in the back of the car. Oh, come on.

[D]

There's a guy going 80 on 285.

[G]

Like can't you speed it up?

[F]

Yeah, but it's a subconscious thing. I don't. I mean obviously you're not meaning to do it, but there's some something subconscious that is sabotaging.

[D]

Hey Kee. Good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[E]

Hi.

[G]

Hey, good morning. I was just listening when she said that she tells her sister to be early. She always tells her the wrong time. My brother and my sister in law are constantly late for everything. So even when we send them a formal invitation, theirs has a different time on it.

[F]

Really?

[C]

A written invitation.

[G]

My son's birthday is next week. His party. Their invitation says it starts at 5:30. Everybody else's says it starts at 6.

[D]

And they don't know that. So they can't adjust the time.

[G]

Nope. I don't know.

[C]

That's hilarious.

[E]

You know what it I had somebody years ago say that it's a control thing. If you're always late, then you control the start time of the event.

[F]

I've heard that before.

[E]

That you are the one. And it's a subconscious control thing where you cannot let someone else be in control. So that means if you get somewhere at 7 o' clock or 6:55 that starts at 7 and the other person doesn't show up at 7. You subconsciously feel out of control because the start time was seven o' clock, but now it's not gonna start until they get there. If I got in here after 10,

[C]

it gives them the control position.

[D]

Yeah. Josh is saying he saw a Dr. Phil exactly like this. He just sent a message to me and it said. He said it was a selfish thing. You could be on time, but instead you need to be more important than the other person. So you make yourself subconsciously lazy.

[C]

God, what a diva.

[D]

You suck, Jen.

[C]

God, Jen. Well then why do I irritate myself so much with it?

[E]

Because you can't let go of the control. It's a subconscious thing because you know it's wrong. On the surface, you know it's wrong. Do you feel guilt?

[C]

That's way.

[D]

Hey, Meredith, Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[G]

Hey, Bert. Hi, everybody. You guys are wonderful.

[D]

Thank you.

[G]

This won a holiday gift card yesterday for $500. Thank you very much, Brittany. But anyway, I'll get to the point, Jen, and I'm sure you are so sweet and you're a wonderful person. But what I would recommend, because I used to do this all the time is, yeah, you have got to set your clock back like 40 minutes before the hour. Then you need to write whatever appointment you have on the calendar. Let's say it's for 6:30. You need to write it. And I don't mean to sound rude, but you need to write it down that it's six o' clock, drinks with Burke or whatever. And even if it's like 6:30, and then thirdly, you gotta follow it and you just got. It's self discipline. It's not, you know, it's not about. You gotta say, okay, even though I'm gonna be bored as hell waiting there 40 minutes early, I've gotta do this. Because you know what? On the other side, it's really annoying.

[D]

Who's got the time to be changing

[E]

all the times and writing appointments down? Pointless. Because you will just look the clock

[F]

in my bedroom because you know that it changed.

[C]

I think though, writing the appointment down because we have so many different ones,

[E]

you'll forget what time the real start is.

[C]

Don't forget what time the real start is because I'll put. I mean, I'll put, you know, drinks with a friend I haven't seen in three weeks. It's on my calendar for three weeks from now. So if we're supposed to be 6:30, and I consistently do it at 6.

[E]

Then you'll know it's 6:30.

[C]

Yeah, but I think three weeks out I would forget.

[E]

Not if you're doing it with all of your appointments.

[F]

You just have to stop trying to be the most important person in the room.

[D]

Jen, is there another option that's difficult

[C]

to do in here?

[D]

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[C]

If my teenager starts calling me Leslie,

[D]

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