Vault: She Doesn't Know How To Break Hard News To Her Boyfriend

Summary

The Bert Show Episode Summary

Episode: Vault: She Doesn't Know How To Break Hard News To Her Boyfriend
Date: March 11, 2026

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Episode Theme & Purpose

This candid episode centers on a listener, Tanya, who is struggling with how to honestly and sensitively tell a man she's recently "hooked up" with that she's not interested in continuing because of his small penis and off-putting personality. The Bert Show team—Bert, Jeff, Brittany, Sarah, Kat, and Tanya—engage in an open, often humorous discussion about sexual compatibility and the challenges of giving difficult, intimate feedback. The conversation also broadens to cover personal standards, body image stereotypes, and the importance of mutual respect and chemistry.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Tanya’s Dilemma: Breaking the News

• Tanya calls in to describe her predicament:
  • She “fooled around” with a man but found him lacking, both in size and in attitude.
  • She’s fielding persistent requests for another meeting and is unsure how honest she should be (01:07).
• The cast offers suggestions—some lighthearted, some practical:
  • Jeff proposes contrived reasons to avoid being blunt: "Say you like women now, or you're not ready to be in a relationship." (02:02)
  • Tanya clarifies she hasn’t disclosed the real reason yet, just keeps saying she doesn’t want to continue (02:24).
  • Tanya feels pressure because the man is persistent, and she’s tempted to be direct via text: "It's small and that's it. I think you should." (05:13)

2. Is Size Really the Issue?

• Tanya tries to explain the situation isn't strictly about size—his pushiness and ego are major turn-offs:
  • “He’s being really pushy and just aggressive…Why not? Why not? Why not?...That gets. That’s a turn off.” (10:41)
• The cast discusses whether size alone is justification for ending things and invites listeners to share if they’ve been “pleasantly surprised” by a partner who wasn’t well endowed. (03:56)
• Multiple callers chime in with personal anecdotes:
  • Sarah: “It’s the motion of the ocean…usually they’re willing to work a lot harder and try a lot more things.” (05:00)
  • Kat: Shares about a “two inch” guy who was “so up front about it” and still made it a good experience. (07:33, 08:54)
  • Brittany (caller): Agreeing that it’s not always about size and encourages Tanya to "give it a chance." (09:37)

3. Attitude and Compatibility Over Size

• Tanya re-emphasizes that the man’s personality is the bigger problem:
  • “It’s his whole attitude, right?” (11:27)
• The cast and callers agree that being pushy or arrogant can kill attraction no matter the physical situation.
• Jeff suggests the breakup reason should focus on his attitude, not anatomy: "You cannot tell a man that his junk is too small." (11:41)

4. Stereotypes and Humor

• The team jokes about physical stereotypes (short men, “averages”) and the not-so-serious concept of “small penis discrimination.” (10:26-10:36)
• Tanya, asked how small is “small,” quips: “My middle finger.” (12:31)
• The group keeps the tone light but supportive, emphasizing not hurting someone’s feelings over things they can’t control.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tanya: "He just nonstop…like, please, I just want to…And I’m like, no, I don’t want to get together. And I even did Jeff’s thing about we’re not compatible. He said, I’ve never heard of such a thing…Are you freaking kidding me?" (02:39)
• Brittany: "This guy has a huge ego." / Tanya: "A little. Yeah. Huge ego and a little thing." (03:10)
• Sarah (caller): "It is the motion of the ocean. No, it’s usually that they’re willing to work a lot harder and try a lot more things." (05:01)
• Kat (caller): "He was so upfront…He’s got a two inch fun time down there. But you’re going to have a good time and it makes other things a lot easier. So give it a try. Goodness sake." (07:54)
• Tanya: "He’s turned you off so much to where? It’s past the point of you even wanting to give him a shot because he’s so arrogant about it. So it’s not even about the penis size anymore." (10:58)
• Tanya (on being honest): "I’m just gonna…You know what? Maybe I should tell him face to face. Maybe that’ll do it." (11:58)
• Brittany (on Tanya’s boyfriend): "See, then that’s what you’re used to." (10:39)

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Noteworthy Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |:--------------:|:--------------------------------------------------| | 01:07-03:08 | Tanya outlines her dilemma and Jeff gives alternatives to direct honesty.| | 03:56-05:00 | Cast invites callers; Sarah weighs in on “motion of the ocean.” | | 06:35-08:41| Kat shares the “two inch” man story, and the cast debates effort vs. looks.| | 10:41-11:27| Tanya clarifies it’s not just about size—the guy’s attitude is worse. | | 12:31-12:49| Tanya gives a visual for “small” that shocks the hosts and callers. |

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Tone & Style

The conversation is open, irreverent, and supportive, blending humor with honest relationship advice. The Bert Show crew consistently brings in listener voices to offer solidarity and alternative perspectives, making for a lively, engaging episode that touches on sensitive topics with wit and empathy.

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Takeaway

Tanya’s situation reveals that physical compatibility is complex and can be compounded by personality clashes and communication challenges. While the cast and callers offer a spectrum of advice—ranging from tactful deception to radical honesty—the prevailing message is clear: kindness matters, and sometimes it’s less about what you say, and more about how (and why) you say it.

Transcript

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[Show Host]

Hey, the Birch Show.

[Burt]

Let's get back to Tanya. Here's the call that she made to us on Friday.

[Tanya]

The student I've hooked up with, his penis is entirely too small. I mean, we hooked up and I mean. But he talks too much, he's irritating, and he wants to do it again. I'm like, I don't want to. He said, why not? I just, like, just don't want to. But I'm just gonna finally tell him

[Jeff]

the reason why you're not making that up. Like, that's a legitimate reason.

[Tanya]

That's a legitimate reason.

[Burt]

Listen, all right, so I wasn't here on Friday. So the deal is he works his way into bed with her. Is he awful?

[Brittany]

They hook up once.

[Burt]

Okay, they hook up once.

[Brittany]

It's so bad. But the reason it's so bad is because of the size.

[Burt]

Okay, so he had some technique, but it's so small that even if he had the greatest technique in the world, it was still gonna be bad.

[Brittany]

And he was diligent about saying, baby, I can make it right for you. And she was going to, uh. And there was. He was so persistent. She didn't feel like there was anything else she could do but tell him that. And Jeff was saying, anything come up

[Jeff]

with anything else but that except tell him anything else come up with, I'm sorry, I don't. I think I like women now. I'm sorry. I don't know that I'm in a place to be in any sort of relationship right now. Anything.

[Burt]

But just so I'm clear, she told him initially, you have a small penis. And there's nothing you can do about it.

[Jeff]

She hadn't told me yet.

[Brittany]

She was just saying she wasn't gonna do it again.

[Burt]

Okay, here's Tanya back on the voice disguiser. Hey, Tanya. Did he work his way back into bed with you, or did you give him one more shot? Come on.

[Tanya]

No, I did not. And let me clarify. We never even slept together. We kind of fooled around, right?

[Brittany]

There's different definitions of hooking up.

[Tanya]

Yeah, hooking up.

[Brittany]

So you just messed around and you did the drive by?

[Tanya]

Yes, and I did, you know, the slight check, and it is very small. And. Oh, my God. I was just telling Tracy. He just nonstop this, like, please, I just want to ell it, you know? And I'm like, no, I don't want to get together. And I even did Jeff's thing about we're not compatible. He said, I've never heard of no such thing. I've never been told by a woman. I'm like, are you freaking kidding me? That's why you don't have one.

[Brittany]

This guy has a huge ego.

[Tanya]

Oh, my God. A little. Yeah. Huge ego and a little thing.

[Jeff]

I don't feel like it's a bad combination.

[Burt]

No, I think that there's. I mean, there's a certain stigma that goes along with being a short guy. I'm one of them. I think that most would think, okay, that's probably. His parts are all small all the way around. Is this guy a big guy with a small part, or is he a small guy with a small part?

[Tanya]

He's probably about 5, 10. I mean, good looking. You know, he's okay looking. It's just that, you know what I'm saying, I can't do nothing with it. And I know that without hurting his feelings, but I'm about to tell him because my text is getting bloated right now.

[Brittany]

Does he know you're on the radio?

[Tanya]

Huh?

[Jeff]

Well, no.

[Brittany]

Does he know you're on the radio?

[Jeff]

Then he would know the reason.

[Tanya]

I don't think so.

[Burt]

There must be some women listening. And we can use the voice disguiser for you guys. Also that you're glad you gave him a shot, even though he had a really small thing there. You gave him a shot and you were pleasantly surprised because he knew what he was doing. And at first you were probably just like, tanya. You're like, you're all grossed out. Because at first it must be shocking.

[Kat]

It's gonna be one of those things. If we get one call, I'll be surprised.

[Burt]

Serious?

[Radio Announcer]

Yeah.

[Burt]

40474, 1, Q100 maybe.

[Brittany]

He's very talented at other things.

[Burt]

I hope Stacy's in the gym. That's all I'm saying. I hope she's not listening.

[Brittany]

She's like, oh, sweet, I got the hotline. I know how to get right through.

[Burt]

Stacey. No, that's you. I'm just saying I think we will get calls from women here saying, yes, it was small and shocking the very first time that I saw it or touched it. And I just said, what the hell? And I gave him a shot and he made up for it.

[Brittany]

Brittany, we gotta keep track of numbers and stuff.

[Tanya]

Come on.

[Burt]

Go ahead, Brittany. Either one.

[Tanya]

They're all working.

[Sarah]

Yes, that's happened to me.

[Burt]

It has happened to me.

[Radio Announcer]

Uh huh.

[Sarah]

It has happened to me.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Sarah]

Cause it is the motion of the ocean. No, it's usually that they're willing to work a lot harder and try a lot more things.

[Burt]

But the problem with this guy is he doesn't think that his thing is small. Right, Tanya?

[Tanya]

Yeah, I think he knows it's small, but he's pissed off right now. Cause I want to see him. So I'm just gonna tell him straight up in his text, it's small and that's it. I think you should.

[Jeff]

You can't do that by text.

[Tanya]

I love you guys. And so y' all get me through my morning. But this is absurd. Is there really a good way to

[Sarah]

get that message though? Like, I mean, text, really?

[Burt]

If you're gonna get it.

[Tanya]

I'm joined the torture. I'm rejecting him. And like I said, also I have an open quote unquote relationship. And you know, I told my, my boyfriend, he's like, yeah, just tell him it's small. He said maybe he'll stop.

[Burt]

No, he won't stop now. It got strange.

[Brittany]

So you have an open relationship with your boyfriend?

[Tanya]

Yes.

[Brittany]

And he can do whatever he wants too?

[Tanya]

Uh, yes. Yeah, but he'd rather. He'd rather me. That's why I said this is probably a good story. But. And I, you know, I told him about this guy and when I told him how little he was, he said, well, just tell him it's too small.

[Jeff]

You may have just gotten yourself booked on the show tomorrow too.

[Burt]

Yeah, you can't ask your current boyfriend for how to tell your love her he's got a small penis.

[Tanya]

He don't love her. He just, you know.

[Brittany]

Well, he could have been had. He had something to work with.

[Tanya]

Yeah, that's. Thank you, Jen. If he would have had something to

[Burt]

work with, she's almost angry about it. Good morning, Aaron. You're on Q100, not on the voice disguiser. Unless you want to be.

[Kat]

Oh, no, that's fine.

[Tanya]

I don't care.

[Burt]

Okay, hold on one sec, let me get you off. Go ahead.

[Kat]

So I was dated this guy for about a year and a half and it was a couple months before we got intimate. He was a short guy. He was about 5, 3, 5 4. And so I just automatically assumed he was small. But when we finally did it, it was small. But damn, it was good. He knew what he was doing and he knew it was small. He did not give a damn. It was good.

[Burt]

I think this goes mate. Does this go along with the theory that we've had before that like average looking guys will try harder also rather than your good looking guys, Maybe you're short, short men, you know, your smaller dudes, maybe they try harder. Is that what we're saying?

[Jeff]

Because they step up maybe.

[Brittany]

And that's what Brittany's saying.

[Sarah]

Well, but I've had both experiences, to be honest.

[Brittany]

I've had.

[Sarah]

I sound like I get around on this show, don't I?

[Brittany]

For real?

[Burt]

No.

[Sarah]

I've had little experiences where I'm like, yeah, I wouldn't go back to that. But I've also had little experiences where it was like, oh, that was all right.

[Brittany]

Little experiences that were actually big. Yeah.

[Burt]

Good morning, kat. You're on Q100.

[Kat]

Hey, guys. All right. I about had a heart attack when I heard her say that she hadn't slept with the guy and she's judging him on his size alone without trying him out. Yeah, that's a huge problem. Just because a guy is not so well endowed as other guys doesn't mean it's not going to be good when you get him in the sack.

[Burt]

Have you had experience in this area, Kat?

[Kat]

I have, yes. And fortunately the guy that I was with, I mean, he was a sweet guy and he, he was right up front about saying, oh yeah, I've got a 2 inch fun time down there. He was so upfront about it and he was like, yeah, but you're going to have a good time and it makes other things a lot easier. So give it a try. Goodness sake. You can't just reject a guy thinking that you're not going to like something and that can't be the only reason. She might have other problems with the guy and that's just fine. Like, go ahead and dump him for other reasons but don't let that be the only reason. Goodness.

[Brittany]

Are you still with Mr. Two Inches.

[Kat]

No, I'm not.

[Tanya]

No.

[Kat]

This. Well, that was a fun experience for me, but I'm not. But it was a great. It was a great time. It was a great night.

[Burt]

It was one great night.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Well, if it was that great, then why don't you go back to him?

[Kat]

Oh, well, it was a one night stand with him and his girlfriend.

[Tanya]

It was so.

[Burt]

Wait a minute.

[Jeff]

He had a girlfriend and he's got a two inch package. He's got himself a regular girlfriend and he's picking up other girls.

[Kat]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Wow. Bring me to this two inch man.

[Jeff]

What's he doing right when he's not making love to women? Is he sitting on the top of a mountain giving advice out to people who come up and seek wisdom from him?

[Kat]

Well, he's not all that different from Buddha. Yeah, you're right about that.

[Burt]

Wow, that is impressive.

[Brittany]

That is impressive.

[Jeff]

Yes, it is.

[Burt]

Hey, Brittany. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Kat]

Good morning. AM I on the voice disguiser?

[Burt]

You're not. Do you want to be sure?

[Jeff]

Okay, you have to ask for it properly. Voice disguiser, please.

[Burt]

Go ahead, Brittany. You're on it now.

[Tanya]

Okay. Just wanted to say that I agree with the other callers. They apparently have had experiences with a smaller package as well. And I myself, there was a fella in my life a couple of months ago and he actually was the smallest package I've ever seen, but knew how to work it. She almost giggles, you know, Give it a chance, Tanya. That's all I'm saying.

[Burt]

Tanya, are you not even a little bit intrigued to see what this guy might have?

[Tanya]

No, I'm not. He's being nasty. He's mad because I don't even want. He wants to take me to lunch now.

[Jeff]

Okay, so just say. Say I don't want to date you.

[Tanya]

I. I did.

[Brittany]

And he won't leave her alone.

[Tanya]

No. Yes.

[Burt]

I think he can sue you.

[Brittany]

For what?

[Burt]

Cause you're obviously discriminating. Does your boyfriend have small penis discrimination?

[Tanya]

What'd you say?

[Brittany]

Dan?

[Kat]

Dan.

[Burt]

A lot of people call it spd.

[Brittany]

I was gonna ask you if your boyfriend is well endowed.

[Tanya]

Oh, yes. Yes.

[Brittany]

See, then that's what you're used to.

[Jeff]

Well, can't you operate with averages?

[Tanya]

And I will be okay with a. With a small, you know, package, but when you being really pushy and just aggressive and I said not today. Or maybe another time. Let me think about it. You still keep on. Why not? Why not? Why not? That gets. That's a turn off.

[Burt]

Yeah. He's turned you off so much to where? It's past the point of you even wanting to give him a shot because he's so arrogant about it. So it's not even about the penis size anymore. Good morning, Misha. You're part of the Burt Show?

[Kat]

Hi. I was calling to say I think she should give him a shot. The guy that I'm currently dating, he's smaller than what I'm used to. And the first time that we actually sat together, it was unbelievable. Right? And he's very handsome.

[Burt]

They're all telling you go for it.

[Tanya]

I'm missing the point. I'm sorry, I think you're missing the point. It hasn't to do with. Just. Look, it's his whole attitude, right?

[Jeff]

Okay, so then there's your reason for breaking up with him.

[Tanya]

But I'm not really, quote unquote, breaking up. He's just not going to get the real thing, right?

[Jeff]

So just tell him. I don't like your attitude. Whatever you do. You cannot tell a man that his junk is too small.

[Burt]

If this guy is so arrogant and he deserves it, then I think maybe.

[Brittany]

No.

[Jeff]

What kind of man are you?

[Burt]

Well, it depends how arrogant he's been.

[Jeff]

Why don't you be a little less open, a little more Tebow?

[Tanya]

Hey, leave Bert alone. He's right. I'm just gonna. You know what? Maybe I should tell him face to face. Maybe that'll do it.

[Jeff]

As long as you're telling him it's cause of his bad attitude, I'll tell

[Tanya]

him because of both.

[Jeff]

I don't want you got a bad attitude. If you tell a guy that you're breaking up with him because he has a bad attitude and a little penis, all he hears is you've got a bad attitude and a bad attitude.

[Burt]

I think some guys need it. Hey, Sarah. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Jeff]

Nothing you can do about it.

[Kat]

Yeah, I was just wondering, like when you say small, exactly how small do you mean? Because what's all to somebody might not be so small to somebody else? I'm just curious.

[Tanya]

My middle finger.

[Burt]

Your middle finger?

[Tanya]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

Oh, wow.

[Burt]

Yeah. That's too bad. Say that again.

[Kat]

So you're talking like three to four inches?

[Tanya]

Probably. That's probably. Be a nice Bob. Maybe. Probably about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Kat]

I'm right there with you.

[Tanya]

That's ridiculous.

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