Vault: She has a problem saying no

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: She has a problem saying no"

Episode Date: August 6, 2026
Host & Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & more
Theme: Why is it so hard to say "no"? Navigating people-pleasing tendencies, setting boundaries, and learning the art (and discomfort) of declining requests from friends, family, & colleagues.

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles the common struggle of being unable to say no—a classic people-pleaser’s dilemma. Melissa opens up about her lifelong habit of over-accommodating others, fearing that rejecting requests will disappoint friends, coworkers, or family. The Bert Show cast and callers share advice, personal anecdotes, social pressures, and even address gendered expectations around saying no. The episode is a mix of earnest encouragement, humor, and candid reflections.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The People-Pleasing Dilemma

• Melissa shares her struggle (01:01):
  • "I have been a yes person for all of my life...Even in my personal life, I'm very yes oriented. If a friend wants to go out to dinner...I'm always yes. Even if I don't have the time."
• Fear of disappointment: Melissa admits she finds it hard to say no because she doesn’t want to let people down, even if it comes at her own expense.

2. Why Do We Say Yes?

• Desire to be liked:
  • Bert Show Host (01:33): "Very like, overly accommodating."
  • Melissa (01:35): "Very much to be liked."
• Javi zeroes in on people-pleasing:
  • Javi (01:37): "Would you call yourself a people pleaser?"

3. Setting Boundaries and Building Skills

• Practical advice from Javi (02:10–03:07):

  • Use kind script: "I have got so much going on today. I would love to go, but I just can't today. But I'll try to make it up to you next time."
  • Emphasizes learning the language of refusal until it gets more comfortable: "The better you get at those, then the better it feels because you're protecting your own time... you’re not feeling frazzled and stressed out."

• Bert offers a time-buffer tip (03:08):

  • "The standard answer if you're a yes person is 'Give me 24 hours.' ... you can sit down and process whether or not it’s really worth what they’re asking you."

4. Do You Have to Give a Reason?

• Oprah’s advice discussed (03:47):

  • Bert Show Host relates that Oprah says you don't owe anyone an explanation: "You just. It’s a no."

• But sometimes friends expect a reason:

  • Bert shares a personal story (03:47–04:56) about being straightforward ("No, thanks") and how honesty led to a fractured friendship:
    • "He started emailing me and texting me, asking me why... he was so offended that I think that was the beginning of our fractured relationship."

• Jen and the cast discuss (05:47–06:12):

  • Jen: "You don't have to justify anything. Just say, I'm busy that night."
  • Melissa: "I have never been successful at saying no without giving an explanation."

5. Gendered Expectations Around "No"

• Caller Michelle & Jen (06:12–06:47):

  • Michelle: "Women are really bad at that. We've gotten to the point where it's okay to say no...to a random strange guy. But it's not okay to say no to my best friend."
  • Jen: Discusses how women are conditioned to not seem rude; men might have this too, but it’s noticed more with women.

• Bert & Host reflect (07:05):

  • "For me, it’s not a gender thing. The way I was raised, I’m always trying to get appreciation... you never want to let them down."

6. The Paradox: Saying Yes Can Be Selfish

• Bert’s unexpected take (08:15):

  • "Is that the inability to say no, and saying yes to everyone is actually a very selfish act... What you’re assuming is I’m the person that she needs to go with because she’s not going to have a good time without me. That’s not true."

• Jen & Melissa react:

  • Jen (09:19): "I didn’t even enter my head."
  • Melissa (09:20): "I didn’t even think about that part."

7. Consequences of Always Saying No

• Caller Mary’s Warning (09:32):

  • "I have no friends now because I said no to everybody every time. I had a very busy life and I said no. And now I really don't have any friends. So you might say yes on occasion, even if you don’t want to, but you don't have to say yes all the time."

• Jen’s take:

  • "If you say no, you should be allowed to say no to me. But if it’s constant, yeah, it impacts friendship. Guilt-trippers are the problem."

• Javi’s balance suggestion (10:45):

  • "You can say no to the little stuff, but be there for the big stuff... Go to your best friend's birthday dinner, attend the engagement party..."

8. The Elusive "Balance"

• Host sums up (11:02):

  • "You'll never find a balance in any of this. I don't know anybody that has balance...personal life, professional life, me time, being there for everybody else. I don't know one person that's figured it all out."

• Melissa closes earnestly (11:15):

  • "I’m really trying hard to figure it out, but I’m not doing so well."

• Host’s closing bit:

  • "When you get there, please write a book so I'll be the first to read it."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Javi (02:10): "Part of it is growing up...determining what’s important to you and setting boundaries."
• Bert (03:08): "The standard answer for everything if you’re a yes person is: Give me 24 hours."
• Bert (08:15): "The inability to say no... is actually a very selfish act."
• Caller Mary (09:32): "I have no friends now because I said no to everybody every time."
• Javi (10:45): "You can say no to the little stuff, but be there for the big stuff."
• Host (11:02): "You’ll never find a balance in any of this. I don’t know anybody that has balance..."

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:01: Melissa introduces her struggle with saying no.
• 02:10–03:07: Javi gives advice on boundary setting and kind refusals.
• 03:08: Bert introduces the "24-hour rule."
• 03:47–04:56: Bert recounts the hockey game/Oprha anecdote.
• 05:47–06:12: Can you say no without an excuse?
• 06:12–06:47: Gendered perspectives on saying no, with caller Michelle.
• 08:15: Bert discusses the selfish side of not saying no.
• 09:32: Caller Mary warns of always saying no and isolation.
• 10:45: Balancing “no” and real friendship moments.
• 11:02–11:20: The hosts agree balance is almost impossible.

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Episode Takeaways

• Saying "no" is challenging, especially for those who crave acceptance.
• It’s essential to develop scripts and habits that let you decline without guilt.
• Social conditioning, especially for women, makes this harder for some, but it’s universal.
• Always saying yes—or always saying no—can have unforeseen social consequences.
• Being selective (saying yes to big stuff, passing on the small) is a healthy middle ground.
• Even the Bert Show cast admits: no one’s got the perfect balance.

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For anyone overwhelmed by requests—at work, socially, or at home—this episode offers both empathy and practical wisdom, all delivered with The Bert Show’s trademark honesty and warmth.

Transcript

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[Melissa]

So I need to learn how to say no. I know it kind of sounds ridiculous, but I have been a yes person for all of my life. Saying yes to whatever in the workplace. Saying yes, I can work for you. Yes, I will do another task. Yes, I will add on to this. Even in my personal life, I'm very yes oriented type person. If a friend wants to go out to dinner or out to lunch, I'm always yes. Even if I don't have the time. I just say yes because I don't want to disappoint my friends and I don't want to disappoint people around me.

[Birch Show Host]

Very like overly accommodating.

[Melissa]

Very much to be liked.

[Javi]

Yeah. Would you call yourself a people pleaser?

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Javi]

You do it to please other people, not yourself.

[Melissa]

And I don't have the time necessarily to do a lot of things that I say yes to. Like sometimes I just want to stay home. But I feel like if I say no, I can't go to a dinner that night, then I'm letting that person down. Or I feel bad about it that I'm not out with them and I'm just sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing when I could be more productive in saying yes, I can go out and do that.

[Birch Show Host]

Sure.

[Melissa]

So I don't know how to say no. I mean, every time I go to say no, I feel bad. I just don't.

[Birch Show Host]

Javi, you can speak to this?

[Javi]

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I think that Melissa, you

[Birch Show Host]

can't

[Javi]

I can give you advice on the opposite. You know, I think it's, you know, part of it is. Part of it is growing up, and part of it is determining what's important to you and setting, you know, and setting boundaries on what's important to you. So if your time during the day is to accomplish your things and you have a friend who, you know, asks you out to lunch, you just say, you know what? I have got so much going on today. I would love to go, but I just can't today. But I'll try to make it up to you next time. And I think it's kind of coming up with tools and words to use and phrases to say that make you feel okay with saying no. And the better you get at those, then the better it feels because you're protecting your own time. You're not feeling frazzled and stressed out trying to accommodate everybody else. And at the same time, when you do go to lunch with that friend, you're going to be much more present. You're not thinking of your to do list that's a mile long that you haven't gotten to because you always say yes to everybody else.

[Bert]

Sony once said the standard answer for everything if you're a yes person is give me 24 hours. Give me 24 hours to every single question. Because then you can sit down and process whether or not it's really worth what they're asking you.

[Jen]

Sacrifice.

[Birch Show Host]

I'll tell you where Oprah Winfrey screwed me on this whole thing, okay? A couple of years ago,

[Bubba Wallace]

Right up the booty.

[Birch Show Host]

So I heard her in an interview. And, you know, Oprah has Oprah wisdom. So anything she says, you know, you gotta at least listen to after you

[Bert]

repeat it in a sing songy voice.

[Birch Show Host]

So her theory on the show one day was all you have to do is say no. Like, you don't owe it to anybody to really tell them why you're saying no. They don't really need to know why a no is. You just. It's a no. So let me tell you how this. I got screwed on this whole thing. So I was invited to go to a hockey game, a Thrashers game, years ago, right? And I had the night open and everything, but I didn't want to go to the game. I'm not a hockey fan. The person that was inviting me, I didn't think would fill the time space with, you know, great conversation didn't seem like a great time to me, so I just said no. He said, you want to go to a Hockey game. And I'm like, no, no, thanks. And that was it. And then he started emailing me and texting me, asking me why.

[Jen]

Oh, say yeah.

[Birch Show Host]

And I went the honest route. And I just said, you know, I'm just not a big hockey fan, man. Just doesn't sound like something I want to do. And he's like, but I got tickets to a hockey game. It's just. That's just not my thing, man. And he was so offended that I think that was the beginning of our fractured relationship, really. Y.

[Javi]

Well, so you can say no, but spare somebody's feelings. At the same time, though, you have to lie.

[Birch Show Host]

Like, I should have used my kids, you know, as an excuse or something instead of just saying because you get to a certain part in your life and your time is sort of compressed and you really gotta get very good at time managing, which I'm awful at.

[Javi]

And you have to schedule time for

[Birch Show Host]

yourself, which is for me.

[Javi]

You need a night home to sit down and pay your bills and go through your personal stuff and do your thing. Like, you have to set that out on the calendar like it's a date night with yourself. And so if somebody says, you know, if your BFF says, oh, my gosh, 10 Lizzies is doing this. We gotta go to.

[Bert]

Well, Bert will be there.

[Javi]

They've got two dollar margaritas. Oh, my gosh, Monday. We can afford it.

[Jen]

Let's go. It's gonna be so much.

[Caller (Mary)]

Let's go.

[Javi]

You just have to say, you know what? This is my night to sit down. I've got plans.

[Jen]

I say I got plans. I don't. You don't even have to.

[Melissa]

You don't have to justify anything.

[Jen]

Just say, I'm. I'm busy that night.

[Melissa]

I have never been successful at saying no and just no without giving an explanation.

[Jen]

And I fault Bert's friend because that's not fair. Like, if somebody says no to a night, you can't guilt them for saying no, you know, because then you're guaranteed that that person is not going to want to be with you ever again. So you know what I mean.

[Birch Show Host]

Good morning, Michelle. You're on Q100.

[Caller (Mary)]

Hey. I was just saying. My mom always used to tell me that you don't have to give a reason or an explanation for any no. You just simply say no, and they don't need to know and be justified in hearing that you're not gonna do it. And women are really bad at that. We've gotten to the point where it's okay to say no. I'M not gonna kiss you, you random strange guy. But it's not okay to say no, my best friend. I'm not gonna go out to lunch with you. We have to be okay with ourselves enough to say, that's just it. It's for me.

[Bert]

No, but the problem is Wendy will kiss a random strange guy.

[Jen]

Well, she doesn't wanna say.

[Bert]

Right.

[Jen]

I feel bad, but I am curious if it's a gender thing. Because I just. Because women, it's that whole rude thing. You don't wanna be rude. If somebody asks, you don't. And I think, like when Jen was saying, it's kind of part of growing up is that you learn to kind of be in your own. And you have the ability to determine what you really want to do and what you don't want to sacrifice the time to do.

[Birch Show Host]

For me, it's not a gender thing. I just think the way that I was raised, I'm always trying to get appreciation from other people. Acceptance from other people. And you never want to let them down.

[Bert]

Then why wouldn't you loan me your cup earlier?

[Birch Show Host]

I would have. I just didn't think.

[Jen]

Oh, you mean I thought it was

[Birch Show Host]

going to be too big.

[Javi]

Yeah,

[Birch Show Host]

Damn it.

[Bert]

Walked right into that one.

[Melissa]

And I think that's part of it. I just don't want to disappoint anybody. And I think by saying no or that I can't do something and then I just want to sit on the couch and I'm not doing anything. And where I could be doing something with them, but I'm letting them down by not being able to do something.

[Javi]

You're really not. I think if you tell a friend no to go out and hang out, like the hockey game thing. If that same friend came to Bert and asked him to go to dinner and he said no, and then asked him to go to lunch and he said no, at that point, that friend is gonna feel pretty rejected. And I think the fourth time, you're gonna probably have to ask them to do something. But I think every once in a while, no, it's fine. They're still gonna be your friend. And you gotta, like, practice it to see that the result isn't that your best friend's not gonna be your best friend anymore. Cause you told her you can't go out on a Tuesday night. It's that if you tell her no 15 times in a row, then okay, then you'll talk about it. But after one time, not a big deal.

[Bert]

The other theory that you could use to think about it and Follow me here. Cause I'm tired today and this is confusing to me, at least in my own head before it gets to my mouth. So good luck with this. Is that the inability to say no and saying yes to everyone is actually a very selfish act. Because what you're assuming, let's say Melissa invites you out and she got tickets to a Braves game and she said, wendy, do you want to go to a Braves game with me in a morph suit? In a morph suit. And you feel obligated to say yes because, oh, my God, Melissa invited me out, blah, blah, blah. Essentially what you're saying is I have to go with Melissa because she invited me and she doesn't have anyone else and I'm the person that she needs to go with because she's not gonna be able to have a good time without me unless I'm there. That's not true. Melissa Hatt. Let's use Jen.

[Birch Show Host]

Whatever.

[Bert]

Jen.

[Jen]

Jen invited me.

[Bert]

You know what I'm saying? Do you see the selfishness of you saying I have to say yes to everyone and everything means to. What you're saying to that person is I'm the only one you can have a good time with.

[Birch Show Host]

You're a selfish people pleaser. Selfish people pleaser.

[Jen]

I didn't even enter my head.

[Melissa]

I didn't even think about that part of it.

[Bert]

But.

[Javi]

And it may be an insecurity, like if you're not there, you're gonna miss

[Melissa]

something, I'm gonna miss something, or I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm being lazy.

[Birch Show Host]

Here's Mary. Good morning, mary. You're on Q100.

[Caller (Mary)]

Hello. How are you?

[Jen]

Hi. Good.

[Birch Show Host]

How are you?

[Caller (Mary)]

Very good. I have no friends now because I said no to everybody every time. I had a very busy life and I said no. And now I really don't have any friends. It's nice. I mean, I like myself, but. Yeah, I have no friends. So you might say yes on occasion, even if you don't want to, but you don't have to say yes all the time.

[Birch Show Host]

I think this is probably deeper than just saying no occasionally.

[Javi]

Yeah.

[Birch Show Host]

Like you're sort of living on this island by yourself because you're work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

[Caller (Mary)]

Right, right.

[Birch Show Host]

Yeah.

[Javi]

And I see, I. I think that's different.

[Birch Show Host]

I do too.

[Jen]

I think that it also makes you. To me, I think it makes you more efficient with the friends that are your closest friends. I mean, I do think that if you have a busy life, which you do, and you have friends that understand that and you do get to. And you work things out to where you do get to spend time together, but it doesn't have to impose so much upon your personal life, you know, like your private time, then that's a good friend. But if it's somebody that's going to guilt you because I. That is another conversation for another time. But the guilt friends, I mean, they have to be called out because that, to me, those are the selfish people. That's the rudeness right there is. If you say no, you should be allowed to say no to me.

[Javi]

You can say no to the little stuff, but be there for the big stuff. Go to your best friend's birthday dinner, attend the engagement party. Make sure you're there for the big stuff. That holds bigger meaning than, let's just go grab happy hour. You know what I'm saying? But you can say no to happy hour every once in a while. It's fine.

[Birch Show Host]

You'll never find a balance in any of this. I don't know anybody. It has balance in any of it. Like between your personal life and your professional life and your me time and being there for everybody else. I don't know one person that's figured it all out.

[Melissa]

I'm really trying hard to figure it out, but I'm not doing so well.

[Birch Show Host]

When you get there, please write a book so I'll be the first to read it.

[Bert]

Now she has to write a book. Nicely done. Well played.

[Javi]

No, There you go.

[Birch Show Host]

Done. She learned. Listen, it's the vert Show.

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